Sensations
Neither the small single-manned ship she had acquired nor the planet it had crashed upon was particularly cold, yet Tali could not suppress the slight trembling her body had picked up. There was a large part of her that wanted to believe that her shaking was nothing more than her body coming down off of the adrenaline she had experienced attempting to land the ship upon this planet's surface without it ending in a horrific crash, but that wouldn't be true. It was perhaps more by sheer luck then skill that the energy-leaking piece of junk she had climbed into hours ago had only sustained extensive damage rather then just completely blowing apart.
These low-crew ships were always pieces of junk, just at different varying degrees. Creating a ship that had one, or at best two, people doing the work of an entire crew required a vast reduction of size, power, defense, and reliability as Tali had come to find. If she would have been in possession of a greater number of credits, she might have been able to afford the rental of a higher grade vehicle, but her current economic position had forced her to get cheap, so cheap, in fact, that the particular ship she had rented out was not even named. Instead the human Roman numeral 'VI' had been written on the side from where it sat in on the lot between ships 'V' and 'VII'.
VI's engines had a tendency to leak fuel suddenly and without warning, requiring almost constant attention from the pilot and the small drive core needed almost constant fiddling to keep the ship as a whole operational. Under normal circumstances these types of conditions would have been common work for a quarian; a people who had grown used to the constant care and upkeep of their ships as if they were their own children. Certainly there were times their vessels could be as needy and as helpless as a newborn. Anyone from her people would have been able to foresee the problem that she experienced and fixed it before it had become an issue; Tali, a mechanical genius even by quarian standards, should have been able to handle the ship's needs most of all, but these had not been normal circumstances and she was not in the right state of mind. As such, her thoughts had drifted and she had missed the cries of her temporary child until it was far too late to sooth them.
The right engine had been the worst culprit, seeming to almost enjoy trying to seize up and shut down. For some insane reason due to the ship's poor electronics, the left engine would then try and compensate by burning fuel at double pace which could send the whole ship suddenly and violently careening into a hard turn. Tali, lost inside of her own memories, had failed to complete her required diagnostics. It wasn't until she was thrown hard against the side of the tiny cockpit in which she sat that she realized just how long she had allowed her mind, as well as the ship, to drift.
She had passed by a planet of beautiful greens and blues. It reminded her so much of the world Shepard had sometimes talked about, the world that was the start of all human life; Earth. The planet Tali had happened across was not Earth, of course. She wasn't even in the right system; however this was a world that had acquired somewhat of a similar atmosphere. It was much smaller than Shepard's world and if it was currently holding any life, Tali very much doubted that it would span beyond a few mining colonies who's population would barely touch a hundred. Still, this was a sight to behold. Spending her life upon the flotilla endlessly cruising through the starts, it had become so easy for her to become complacent with such things. It had been Shepard who had opened her eyes and shown her just how beautiful this universe could be. To tell the truth, Shepard had opened her eyes to a lot of things.
Gazing upon this world, Tali's mind filled with thoughts of the human who had come to mean more to her than anyone else in her life. She had become lost inside of her own memories, the minutes had ticked by without her knowledge, the right engine had given out, the left had doubled its power output, and Tali was being hurdled into the gravitational pull of the planet.
She had allowed the ship drift far too close to the planet and by the time she had been able to pull herself off the wall and back over to the console before her, it was already too late to avoid what was going to come next. Her next few decisions, however, would effect whether the search mission would be picking up her or her body.
The right engine was not responding at all. If she had been drifting further away from the planet, than there would have been time to diagnose and fix the problem, but with her ship gaining speed and the ground growing ever closer, the best she was able to do was cut both engines all together. Pulling hard against the throttle, Tali striated VI out of its death spiral to bring it somewhat parallel with the ground; working fast, the difference between life and death now the matter of mere seconds, Tali had thrown the reverse thrusters into full force. This was going to kill what remained of her fuel supply, but such things had now taken a backseat to survival.
With thrusters roaring to dampen her fall while Tali pulled the nose of her ship upwards hoping to avoid face-planting into the ground, her body braceing for impact as the hull of the ship slammed hard against the planet's surface. Tali felt herself first being pushed down into her chair as if by powerful and invisible hands, before being thrown upward against her restraints. The ship began to plow its way through the earth leaving behind it a large crater littered with chunks of metal and glass before the friction finally caused them to slow and then stop.
For a long moment, Tali could only sit there; feet braced hard against the floor and hands feeling like they had been spot wielded to the throttle. Little by little she managed to force her hands to release from their death grip and relax, only then was the rest of her body able to follow suit.
She began to check herself over for any major injuries. Her suit had suffered some superficial damage, her neck was sore, her head ached, and she was positive that her shoulder was going to bruise from being thrown against the wall as hard as she was, but otherwise she was basically okay.
Don't think I'll be getting back my deposit, her scattered brain had said. Keelah, if Shepard had seen that he'd-
Tali's thoughts cut out at nearly the same horrific force that her ship had crashed into the ground. Shepard would never see how she had come within inches of joining her elders. He wouldn't be around to pull her out of the fire time and time again, to hold her when she was upset, to laugh with her when she was cheerful. Shepard was gone. Shepard was dead, and as much as she wanted to believe that the way her body was beginning to tremble was from surviving her crash landing, the practical side of her knew the symptom for what it was; she was going to cry again.
Tali pulled her legs up against her chest, placed her face between her knees, and wept hot tears that her mask would not allow her to wipe away.
The Collector Base; that was when it all happened. Even now Tali couldn't understand how things could have turned out so wrong even after Shepard done everything right. He had known his team so well; their skills, strengths, weaknesses. He had made his choices based off of this knowledge and because of it they had managed to move almost surgically through the base all while keeping everyone alive.
Tali had found herself beyond awe at the man; his steel determination, his unbendable will, his incredible heart. The sheer fact that she had met such a person in this universe let alone have been loved by him seemed almost like one of the fairytales she read as a child. At the end, it had been that impossible human along with Garrus and herself who had gone up against the collectors and their human Reaper. She remembered thinking how right it felt for the three of them to be fighting shoulder to shoulder. While she harbored no grudges against the others Shepard had chosen to bring into his team, the simple fact was that they hadn't been there at the beginning. They hadn't seen the things that the crew from the first Normandy had. In that moment she honestly felt that, if she was to die on that day, there were no other two people in existence she'd rather be with.
She hadn't died that day, but she would have rectified that outcome without a second thought if it meant brining back the one they had lost.
Her memories were all still a tangled mess. She remembered Shepard planting the bomb that would send this abomination to its destruction despite the warning of the Illusive Man. She remembered racing through the halls of the ship being followed close behind by Collector swarms. They closed in on the escape shuttle, its doors opened and Tali had been the first one through followed by Garrus several seconds later. As she turned she felt fear seize up her heart as she saw Shepard had fallen far behind them as he simultaneously attempted to run while shooting at the swarms, trying to buy the three of them enough time to get to safety.
Run, Shepard, her mind had screamed at him, Please run!
That was when the structural integrity of the Collector ship finally gave, sending large portions of the ceiling raining down upon them. A large mass of rock had fallen between the shuttle and Shepard, creating a large gaping hole that lead down into impenetrable darkness. He had seen this happen, but his pace did not slow. Instead the man lowered his head and sprinted towards them meaning to jump across the crater.
Tali watched as he made his way at full speed towards the end and for a second, for one wonderful second, she thought he was actually going to make it, but the ground had become unsteady beneath his feet and the bit of earth beneath his boots that should have propelled him forward and towards their waiting arms instead gave way. What should have been a leap became a stumble.
Tali reached out for him meaning to grab hold of his hand and pull him into the safety of her waiting arms where she would just refuse to let him go. If she could just get a hold of his hand she swore that she would hold onto it for the rest of her life.
She could no longer be sure, but thought that there was one terrible second where the tips of their fingers had actually brushed, and then he was falling, falling, falling. . .
She screamed and began to move forward as if she meant to jump down after him. Tali could no longer remember what she was thinking by that point, if anything at all. If Garrus hadn't been standing right there, if he hadn't grabbed her and pulled her back, Tali believe she might have very well jumped after the Commander.
"No," she had howled sounding more like a mad animal and her normal, reserved self. "No! I have to save him! I have to get him! Let me go! Let me go!"
"Tali, he's gone," Garrus had cried. "He's. . .he's gone."
He then gently turned her around, wrapped his arms around her and hugged her as tightly as he could without hurting the poor girl. Tali's mad wails turned into sobs as pressed her hands and helmet into the turian's chest.
Outside the ship, in a plain of existence that now seemed a million miles away, the Normandy barely manages to escape the blast of the collector ship as it explodes into pieces.
There were two separate funeral services that were held for Shepard. The first was a grand public affair attended by hundreds upon hundreds of people from the man's life: friends, fans, acquaintances, and those who had just heard of his exploits. The second was much smaller and more solemn; a memorial was held upon the Normandy with all of the crew in attendance, except for one.
Tali simply couldn't bring herself to go. She wanted to, more than anything in the world she wanted to if for no other reason than to pay her own last respect to the man who had been the only real source of happiness in her life, but in the end Tali found she just didn't have the strength for it. She had wept longer and harder then she had even at the death of her own father. She had loved her father, of course, and seeing him lying there on the floor had hurt in a way that she couldn't even describe. The only thing that had kept her together was the fact that Shepard had been there to hold her in his arms and tell her everything was going to be alright. He had always been there for her, had saved her life on more than one occasion and he never made her feel small about it.
Shepard had been the only person on her life that had ever actually seen her. When he looked upon her, he didn't see the suit like so many others did. She wasn't just some quarian to him, she was a living thing; a young woman who was desperately and hopelessly in love; a woman who wanted nothing more than to feel his skin brush against her own if only for a moment. Even if it had killed her, that one second of ecstasy would have been worth the risk.
She had been so afraid that night in his quarters as Shepard placed his hands against the sides of her faceplate and felt for the release. As she lifted her own hands to guide his, she tried not to think about what she would do if Shepard removed her mask and didn't like what he saw. She told herself that she was being foolish, that physically they were not really all that different from one another, that he wouldn't have gone this far with her if there wasn't something real between them. She had explained to him time and time again about how impossibly hard it would be for them if they were together. She had given him every chance for him to back out if he was even a little unsure. Her heart had cried out against it, but she wanted him to be happy even if the person he was happy with . . . was someone else.
Still, he had persisted and for every time she tried to explain that they wouldn't work, he would calmly explain that they could find a way. Eventually she had given in to him. She had never wanted anything as badly in her life as she wanted him and everything he could give to her. Tali's head swam, her heart raced, and her body ached as the dashing young Commander removed her faceplate and gently placed it aside.
For the first time he gazed upon her face, the pupils of his eyes moving to take in every single detail. The moment could not have lasted longer than a second, but for the nervous quarian girl, it seemed to stretch on for an eternity.
At last a smile spread across his face. It was filled to the very brim with love, but more importantly; acceptance. Tali, a girl who had spent every day of her life feeling like an outsider even amongst her own people, gave in the longing she had fought against for so long. She grasped at his shoulders, pushing him down in the bed, and leaping on top of him in the same instant.
Her lips pressed against his and for the first time in her conscious life, she had known the actual touch of another. The feeling was far beyond what she had imagined it would be. His kiss was somehow gentle and yet strong at the same time. It sent electricity throughout her body, stimulating her in a more pleasurable way then any nerve program ever could. His arms wrapped around her, pulling her in closer as their sweet embrace continued. One thing that she had never even dreamed there would be, even in her wildest fantasies, was the taste of his lips. Oh sweet Keelah, the taste! How it filled her mouth like the sweetest delicacy that she had ever known.
She had never realized just how alone and isolated she had been all of her life until that one moment and she knew with all of her heart that she would spend the rest of her life with this man. For as long as he wanted her, Tali was stand by this side, and may the elders grant mercy to whoever or whatever thought it could stand against them.
Then. . . then he had been taken away only a few short hours later. She could only watch as everything she had ever stacked her hopes upon, as the only man she had ever allowed close to her fell into the abyss. Now that the immediate grieving had stopped she had suddenly felt. . .hollow, like there was nothing inside of her. It was like she had somehow become a husk, herself. All of her emotions; the fear, anger, depression, hopelessness, all of it had left her. Now she just felt tired, like she wanted to lie down and sleep for days.
As the small, private funeral gathered on the upper level around a casket for which there was no body to place inside, Tali had retreated down to her station in the engine. She wanted to bury herself in her work, to block out her thoughts and memories with mindless tasks, but the process had been slow going. She was constantly forced to go back and re-do her mistakes. Even simple actions that she could have done in her sleep suddenly seemed too complicated for her brain to understand. With a deep sigh, she rested her hands upon the console and lowered her head, trying to clear her mind, to get some kind of peace and relief.
She heard the door behind her open, and the girl immediately turned around as a tiny bit inside of her swelled up as if it fully expected it to be Shepard that walked through that door. If this was true, however, then that last piece of hope was blown out like the flame of a candle as Garrus tentatively entered the room and approached her.
"Tali," he said, his voice soft and full of a kind of concernshe had never heard from him before. "Are you sure do don't want to come upstairs for a bit? Everyone's already started and I thought you'd like to be there."
"Thank you, Garrus, but no. I'm. . .I'm not feeling very well." This wasn't a complete lie. She was starting feel the effects from her time with Shepard. Her head felt like it was pounding inside of her skull, there was a tickle in the back of her throat that was causing her to cough, and she could feel her nose starting to clog up. She was going to get sick, but see was also going to survive. Hell, she didn't even think this was going to be a bad one; she'd gotten worse infections as a child. Once upon a time that might have meant something to her, but now it was only going to be a constant reminder of the thing she would never have again. If she had even the slightest idea of what was going to come, Tali might have gone ahead and ignored the antibiotics all together.
Garrus took another step forward and tried again to change her mind. "I know you miss Shepard. I do, too. I understand how you must feel-"
A rage like she had never known, and never even thought she was capable of exploded inside of her at his words. Before she was even aware of what was happening Tali swung her hand, smacking Garrus across the face.
"You understand nothing," she screamed at him. "You don't understand what its like to spend your entire life sealed off from the world, not being able to taste or smell or touch! All I can do is look at the world around me! Before Shepard no one even saw me! On the flotilla I was just 'the admiral's daughter' and anywhere else I was just some worthless quarian! I might as well not have even had a name! Tali'Zorah nar Nothing, that was me! Shepard changed that! He saw me, he liked me, he. . .he. . ."
Tali felt the numbness inside of her break and the feeling of complete hopelessness that filled her after extinguished the frustrated rage that burned inside of her. Her legs suddenly felt too weak to stand on and Tali had to grab hold of the console behind her to keep from slipping to the ground.
"Oh Garrus, oh Keelah, I am so sorry. I-I didn't mean to hit you or yell at you like that. I. . .I'm sorry."
He rubbed his left cheek with the palm of his hand for a moment before letting his arm drop. "It's alright. My face has taken worse abuse then that and I've still held on to my good looks."
Tali chuckled a little, in spite of herself.
"I think I'm the one who should apologize," Garrus continued. "You're right. I really don't understand. I would, if I could, but I don't think that's possible." The turian moved over to her and rested next to her on the console. "You really cared about him, huh?"
"Garrus, I loved him."
"Yeah, I know." There was a small pause. "He was a good guy. Best damn human I've ever seen."
"What are we supposed to do now," she asked. "With Shepard gone. . .what do we do?"
What followed was a much longer silence and when Garrus finally did speak, he sounded just as worried as she felt.
"I don't know, Tali. I really don't know."
After that Tali and the rest of the crew tried to continue on as normal, but it was hard going with out their Commander. Miranda, as the second in command, tried to step up to the challenge and while Tali truly did believe that her intentions were good, she simply lacked the same leadership that Shepard naturally had, but at the same time, there was really no one else who could do the job.
It was days later when they had made a stop for fuel and supplies that Tali decided to quietly exit the ship. They would be docked for several hours and the girl felt like she needed to take that time for herself; to breathe and maybe calm a little if that was possible. She couldn't handle the looks everyone onboard the Normandy gave her: a mixture of sympathy and pity that she guessed was supposed to help her, but instead filled her with anger and remorse. She needed to get away from their looks, their soft tones of voice, the way they tiptoed around her. It was all driving her insane.
Outside the ship, however, she found no more relief. Without Shepard by her side, Tali was once again only seen as some random and untrustworthy quarian. People gave her a wide birth, shopkeepers kept their eyes upon her as she drew near their shops, and the girl who used to get uneasy if she wasn't surrounded by a huge crowd at all times felt the need for as much solitude as she was physically capable of getting.
She had rented the small ship on a whim, thinking that she would just cruise inside of the star system for a few hours and try and gather herself. She'd be a one woman flotilla. Tali could only afford the lowest of low-end models and even then the human she spoke with demanded upfront that she proved she wad good for the credits before he allowed her to do anything.
Yes, without Shepard she was once again just an untrustworthy quarian.
Tali now had all of the solitude she could possibly want, didn't she? The ship was never going to fly again, but at least it had enough power left to send out a general distress signal. Of course, it could be hours before anyone picked up on it, let alone came for her. Someone onboard the Normandy would notice her disappearance, but since she had told no one where she was going it was highly unlikely that they would just happen upon her anytime soon. It seemed that Tali now had exactly what she wanted: a good long time to be alone with nothing but her own memories.
If nothing else, at least she had at least found a nice spot to crash upon. Outside of her cracked windows, Tali could see miles of grasslands that stretched across the rolling hills. Trees with odd purple leaves danced in the soft wind as clouds rolled above her through a blue sky. What was left of her equipment told her that the air outside was breathable and the gravity was about what she would be used to. All in all, it really was a nice place to land. She couldn't help but think it would have also made a good place for a home.
Maybe this could have been our home, she thought. We could have built right here, a small house for just the two of us. We could leave all of that Reaper stuff behind us and just. . .be happy. We would be together as many times as my immune system would allow and each time I'd use less and less of the antibiotics to build my tolerance. I'd teach my body to accept you just like you accepted me.
She had managed to calm herself with some restraint, but now the tears were flowing again. Tali never would have believed she was even able to cry as much as she had over the past few days. She just didn't think her body would have anything left.
These tears, however, were different. They weren't from misery, or self-pity, or even loss. These, she thought, where the tears you cried when you were lucky enough to experience something so beautiful that the body could only think of one way to react. Sitting here in this place with these memories. . .it was perfect. In that frame of time, everything was just perfect.
It would end soon, though. Eventually someone would pick her up and she would be taken back to the Normandy. After that would come the Reapers and after that. . .there would be a genocide of one species or another. Shepard had managed to rally quite the force against them, but would it be enough without him to lead it? If so, then it would only be just barely.
After she leaves this beautiful place she would stand witness as hundreds of thousands of lives are lost.
Would one more body really matter?
She thought about this, contemplated it like a great puzzle or a near impossible math equation. Shepard was all she really had and Shepard was gone. Soon the Reapers would be upon them and after that, well, either many will die or all will. Even if, by some slim miracle, they did succeed than what were the chances that she herself would survive?
By waiting inside of here she was accepting the loneliness and solitude that she had once thought to be the fate of all quarians. For so long she had been sure that this was the only path that they were able to take. Shepard had shown her differently. Within his company, Tali had learned that there were always options, always choices. They might not always be easy and they were rarely fair, but they were still available.
If she stayed inside then she submitted to the path she had always thought she would walk upon, but outside. . .outside there could be anything at all, and it wasn't a suit that separated them as Tali once thought; it was her own will. Shepared had shown her that, too.
The door had been warped and it had taken a tremendous effort, but Tali managed to force it open where it broke of its last hinge and fell to the ground. Moving with the same delicate care that one would use to handle something very valuable and extremely fragile, Tali stepped out of the wreckage of the ship and out into the this vast and, to her at least, new world.
She looked out at a land that she could not smell, taste, or touch. She was out of the ship, but she was not really 'outside'. Without Shepard, without the only man she had ever loved enough, trusted enough, to see her face, she never really would be again. For one night she had known life without the suit and with a heavy dosage of antibiotics and herbal boosters, she had lived to tell about it.
Out here, though, she had access to neither of those things. Out here it was only the suit that was keeping her alive until she was either rescued or starved to death, whichever came first.
So here she stood, right at the crossroads of her own path. She could stay with what she had known; a life of muted sensations seen from behind a wall of glass, or she could venture into the unknown. The events that would follow after were obvious enough, but it was the time in-between that called to her, that whispered all of the things she could experience before she was taken to her elders.
It was a choice that she did not make lightly, but one that once made, she did not regret.
Reaching behind her back, Tali first undid one strap and then the next. Gradually she made her way though each of her suits many locks and seals. Quarian suits were not meant to be something that could be easily slipped in or out of. To remove it entirely took quite a bit of time.
Tali smiled as she remembered how Shepard had fumbled with her suit, how she had to guide him and help him in removing it.
Taking off her helmet last, Tali allowed it to drop to the ground next to the pile of fabrics and armor that had once served to separate her from the world. It had done so to keep her alive, but as Tali had come to find, there was a vast difference between being alive and living. She had spent years doing the first and not until recently had she discovered the vast joys of the second with the help of one very special human.
"I love you, Shepard," Tali spoke aloud as the grass tickled her feet, the wind caressed her face, and the sun warmed her bare skin. "I'll be with you soon."
Tali stepped out into this strange new world of hers; a world made up not just of what could be seen and heard; but also what could be tasted and touched. The quarian girl tilted her head back and raised her arms as she walked, feeling everything this world brushed against her senses, and as she walked she wondered if this world had any flowers. If so, Tali thought that she just might pick one. She would caress its petals with her fingers. She would smell its bouquet, and inhale its pollen.
-cannedcream
April 3, 2010