I don't try to fool myself into thinking that I'm the mother of the year. In fact, I'm pretty sure that I have made some pretty big mistakes in raising my daughter. But in this life, my daughter is really all that I have.
Peyton Scott sat on the couch of her living room. It was early in the afternoon, and she had just gotten back from a meeting at her record label. Though after Sawyer was born, she, Lucas and the baby left Tree Hill, they returned only a few years later. It was okay, at first, for them to be gone from Tree Hill. But, as it always happens, Tree Hill is home. It's where Peyton knew she belonged. She wanted to be closer to Brooke and Haley and the rest of their friends and family. They traveled mostly in those years gone. They took road trips and stopped in historic places and just really enjoyed spending time with one another.
It had been twelve years since then. When she returned, she settled in to her record label and helped rebuild it after it experience several problems. Sawyer was put into day care and, eventually, school in Tree Hill. Lucas continued writing, but also took over a local garage, the one that once belonged to his uncle Keith.
Sawyer's sixteenth birthday is coming up soon, and I'm not quite sure that I know how to handle it. Lately, she's been asking more and more questions about what's going on with our family. She's been seeing it for years, but now she's finally questioning why we live the way we do. I wish I could just tell her the truth, but I want to shield her a little while longer from some of the more troubling things of my life. In all honesty, they don't matter. Only she does.
There was a knock at the door and then Brooke entered, a big smile on her face. "Hey P. Sawyer," she said. "I brought coffee!" Her best friend had a habit of always being cheerful. Her life had finally panned out the way she wanted it to. While she wasn't some big successful clothing designer, she had a husband who was absolutely crazy about her, and two little ones that adored their mama.
"Hey B. Davis," Peyton said, smiling as she put down her pen and paper on the coffee table. She took the offered coffee from her best friend and took a sip. "What's up?"
"Oh, nothing much, just got back from lunch with Julian," she said, giving a smile. Peyton just looked at her for a long moment. "What?" Brooke asked.
"I'm really happy for you guys, have I told you that?"
"Only every other week," Brooke said, laughing. "How's my goddaughter doing? I'm really looking forward to her birthday. When's the party?"
"Oh, Sawyer doesn't want a party," Peyton replied, giving a stifled laugh.
"Has she become a tortured artist?"
"Hardly, she's just starting to rebel a bit. She says a sweet sixteen party is overrated and pointless," Peyton gave a shrug of her shoulders. "I don't know, I guess she's just trying to be tough. I just wish she would tell me what she really wanted. When I was sixteen, I claimed to not want a party and then, when you threw me one at the Scott's beach house, I was thrilled. I guess I thought it wasn't cool or anything." She shrugged once more.
"Why don't you let me talk to her?" Brooke asked. "I mean, I can pick her up after school, and take her to get her nails done.. or something."
"Nails done? You really haven't spent much time with her. She'd rather gouge out her eyes than do anything extremely girly."
"Well, we'll figure something out. Anyways, what have you been up to lately?"
"We are putting on a concert in the park in a couple of weeks, so I've been going to meetings and making calls and plans for it. You know, normal label owner stuff." She heard the back door to the kitchen open and then close, and then someone rustling around in the kitchen. Brooke glanced through the main hallway to see Lucas, covered in grease walk toward the sink. The water turned on. Peyton's demeanor seemed to change a bit, harden some.
Brooke turned back to the conversation. "I heard you're going to have some really cool bands there."
"Yeah, from headliners to lesser known bands. I'm really excited to see it go up, you know." Lucas walked down the hall, pausing for a moment, then turning into the bathroom. The women heard the water in the shower turn on. Peyton's eyes rested on a low spot on the wall across the room.
"You two still aren't talking? I mean, I know I haven't been over in a while, but Peyton, this is ridiculous."
"It's stupid. He doesn't care, so neither do I."
"But Peyton, you need to tell him about your doc-"
"No."
"Peyton."
"I'm not telling him," Peyton said, putting an end to that. "Anyways, if you're going to get Sawyer, I'll have some time to go back to the office and do some final paperwork. I'm trying to finalize the big bands before I finish the paper work for the smaller ones."
"Okay. I'll have her back after dinner."
"Sounds good." Brooke stood from her seat on the couch and paused as Peyton picked up her paper and pad and continued writing.
"I'll see you later, P. Sawyer," she said and then exited the house. The brunette climbed into her car and set off for her house. She had a good bit of time before she had to get Sawyer from the school. Julian was picking up their twins from day care whenever he got done filming for the day. Luckily, there was a small film being filmed in Tree Hill. His work still took him to Los Angeles and many other locations, but any time there was something in Tree Hill, Julian was the first to sign on so he could be close to home.
Their journey together had been a long one. They continued to try to conceive their own children, but it didn't happen for them. Many years passed before they were finally able to adopt a set of twins. The mother was a teenager, not much older than Brooke the first time she had a pregnancy scare. The girl wasn't local, but they did keep her updated on the progress of the twins. Brooke hit the volume on her radio and rolled the windows down. It was a beautiful day.
A little while and then Brooke was at Haley and Nathan's house. Haley was mostly working with Peyton at the label, so she worked at home most days. Brooke tried to come over regularly to check on her. She knocked on the door and then entered without being let in-knowing that Haley wouldn't care if she just wandered in. "Haley? You home?" Brooke heard movement from the living room and rounded the corner into the room. She stopped, giving a light scream before covering her eyes and turning her head. "I. Am. So. Sorry."
Nathan and Haley adjusted themselves on the couch and then sat properly. "No, it's okay. It wouldn't be the first time this week," Haley said, wiping her mouth. Nathan smiled at his wife and then stood from the couch.
"I'm going to go back to work," he said, passing Brooke with a stupid grin on his face as he walked out. She turned to Haley.
"I didn't meant to just walk in-"
"We should have had the door locked. Like we should have had the door locked the other night whenever Lydia had a bad dream," Haley said, standing from the couch.
"She's still having nightmares?" Brooke asked. Haley nodded. "What about this time?"
"Who knows? Probably something silly, but to kids, it seems like the most terrifying thing in the world." Brooke nodded. "So, what's up? I'd like to know what the reason was behind busting up my lunch time love affair."
"Nothing much. I just went by and saw Peyton."
"Oh. And?"
"She's fine when I get there right? She was doing some writing or something, whatever, I don't know. But halfway through our conversation, Lucas walks into the house and she.. she changed."
"What do you mean?" Haley asked, slightly confused. While Lucas and Peyton had definitely not been the most social, they, especially Lucas, were rather nonexistent in the group.
Brooke shook her head and shrugged, "She seemed to stiffen up a bit, like she had to be on edge when he was around, like she couldn't talk freely. I'm worried about what happens in that house. You don't think-?"
"No, Lucas would never raise a hand to her," Haley said. "I may not have been as involved with him as I have in recent times, but I know him well enough to say that much."
"Anyway, I'm picking up Sawyer from school today. I think it'll be good for her, maybe give her someone to talk to. Peyton said she's started rebelling a bit, and if I know this phase, I would definitely say that P. Sawyer's mini me would need someone like me to talk to her."
"But what about Peyton? I mean, have you guys talked much at all?"
Brooke nodded. "She called me last week. She went to the doctor and wanted to just update me."
"What's going on?"
"She's had some health concerns, and so she's been trying to get it checked out."
"I hope it's nothing serious," Haley said, giving a sigh. "Maybe I should talk to Luke. We haven't seen him in weeks. Jamie misses him. He won't say much about it, but I know it bothers him."
"How's he doing?" Brooke asked. She, too, hadn't seen Jamie, but he was away at college.
Haley smiled, "Dean's list again. He's really happy there. I miss him a lot though."
"Maybe we should take a road trip up to see him."
"I don't know about that," Haley said, her tone unsure.
"Oh, come on, it could be fun. We could bring the kids. I'm sure he'd love that. We could surprise him."
"I'll talk to Nathan, see what he thinks."
"Okay, good." Brooke replied.
–
Peyton was in the kitchen, figuring out something to cook for dinner that evening. It had been a while since it was just she and Luke in the house. After his shower, he'd gone into their bedroom, and Peyton got in the Comet and headed to the record label to work on paperwork. She came back to the house to find Lucas was still in the bedroom, and that's when she decided to figure something to cook. . She stood with the freezer door opened as she tried to find something that she would actually eat for dinner. She heard their bedroom door open, but she did not look up.
"Where's Sawyer?" Luke asked as he walked into the kitchen. Peyton took a moment before responding.
"Brooke picked her up from school, she was going to take her and do something."
"Oh, okay." Brooke's words were weighing heavy on Peyton. She closed the freezer and turned as Lucas turned to exit the kitchen.
"Luke-" He stopped and turned to face her. His face showed hardly any emotion. It was more of an inquiring annoyed look than any other. Peyton felt a lump in her throat form as she thought over what Brooke told her earlier. She should talk to him about it, but she just-
"I was thinking of getting a pizza for dinner," she said. He shrugged.
"That's fine." He replied before he turned and went back into their bedroom. Peyton slumped a bit. She knew that they needed to talk. But how could they talk about things going on now when they couldn't talk about things that had happened ten years ago?
–
"What are you doing here?" Sawyer asked as she climbed into her godmother's car.
"Well, we haven't hung out in a while, so I thought I would come get you and we could have a girls day."
"Girls day? Come on, Aunt Brooke, I'm too old for that."
"You are never too old for a girls day, Sawyer Scott. Now, we can go shopping, or we can go get our nails done-" Sawyer scoffed at the suggestion. "Alright, then what do you want to do? I've got you through dinner." The teenager shrugged, her blond hair falling a bit into her face. It was blond like Peyton's, but straight like Lucas's. "Okay, well, we can just go somewhere and talk. I just miss spending time with you. That's all." Their eyes met and Sawyer saw a look of concern from her aunt.
"Okay," she said.
–
"So, your mom told me that you don't want a sweet sixteen party."
"Yeah."
"Why not?" Brooke asked, concern written on her face. She knew the type that rebelled. Hell, her best friend had been that type.
"It just seems overrated and stupid. Birthday parties are for five year olds."
"No, I happen to disagree." Brooke said. The two fell silent for a moment. Brooke's mind was on the party she'd thrown twenty years before for her best friend. "Your mom didn't want one either, and I surprised her with one. Turns out, she really did want one." Sawyer remained silent. "I guess what I'm saying is that you don't want to miss out on things. I don't want you to be old and ornery wishing that you had done the things that others do."
"But they're so uncool."
Brooke smiled. "You may think that now."
"I just wouldn't want for it to be all lame and pink and, you know?"
"Yeah, I know," Brooke said. "Let's say that you would want the party. What would it be like?" She was trying to get some clues, as well as trying to convince Sawyer into having a party.
"Something cool. Maybe a pool party, or a beach party. With music." She shook her head, her demeanor shifting for the sadder.
"What?"
"I'm not as cool as you were in high school, Aunt Brooke." Brooke didn't quite catch her goddaughter's drift; this was clearly shown on her face. "I don't have as many friends as you. I wouldn't want it to be just family. That's kind of lame."
"Okay, well," Brooke said carefully. She paused in thought, wondering what she could do for her goddaughter's sixteenth birthday that would be momentous and memorable. "Give me some time. I'll figure something out. It'll be amazing." She grinned at Sawyer and put her arm around the girl's shoulder. "Alright, are you hungry?"
–
Peyton sat quietly at the kitchen table alone, eating her pizza. Luke had come out, grabbed a plate and a couple of slices, and then went back into their bedroom, leaving her alone, as usual. She heaved a sigh and tossed down her half eaten slice. The phone rang, so, happy to have an excuse, she got up from the table and ran to grab it. "Hello?" She asked through a mouthful of food.
"Hey, Peyton, it's Mia," Mia said on the other end.
"Oh, hey, how are you? What are you doing these days?" Peyton asked. Mia had bowed out of the music business about five years back, opting for a normal life with a normal guy: Chase. They got married and moved out to Los Angeles to find what they really wanted out of life. Good for them, in Peyton's opinion. It was always good to go and get some worldly experience.
"Well, I've been hearing a buzz about a concert in the park in Tree Hill and I was wondering if you had an open slot for an old friend," Mia said, her smile evident in her voice.
"Hmm. I don't know. Let me check my line up.. Nope. Nah. Oh, maybe right- Nope." She said, giving a soft hearted laugh. "Of course, I do, Mia. You're the reason all of this is possible. The concert is next weekend, so I'll need you to be here like tomorrow."
Mia said, "You're kidding right?"
"Of course, Mia. You know I wouldn't spring that on you. Just try and be in by the middle of the week. I need to spend time with you, figure out how the hell you've been the past few years."
"Alright, I guess we could manage that. I'll talk to Chase and then get back at you with details."
"Sounds good." Peyton said, hearing movement in the bedroom nearby. She sighed. "It's really great to hear from you Mia. I've missed you."
"I've missed you too, Peyton. I'll talk to you later."
"Okay, bye." Peyton hung up the phone and listened once more for any sign of movement. When there was none, she crossed to the kitchen table and took her plate, emptying it in the garbage and then placing the dish in the sink. She took the pizza box and closed it, then placed it in the fridge. Her eyes searched the walls of the house. How had her life come to this? This place was once one of her favorite places to be. She and Lucas could spend days just locked up in here without the rest of the world and they would be just fine.
–
"Mom, I'm home," Sawyer said, entering the front door. She dropped her book bag on a nearby chair and then glanced around the living room, finding no sign of her mother nor her father. She shrugged and then walked into the kitchen. There was a note on the fridge from her mom saying that she had to go back to the studio. It seemed that her mom spent more and more time at work, and her father spent less and less time at home. She was sixteen, or at least, soon she would be, and this behavior just didn't seem normal to her. She had never known her parents to be like the rest of her friends' parents.
The door to her parents bedroom opened and Sawyer turned to speak to her mother, but found it was Lucas, instead. "Hi, dad," she said, a little disappointed that it wasn't her mom. She turned and walked to the living room to grab her bag so she could get homework done. Lucas paused, watching her as she went to take care of business. He ran a hand through his hair wearily and turned back into the bedroom after dropping his plate in the sink.
Lucas had taken off at lunch from the garage so he could work on his newest novel idea. While he hadn't produced anything of real worth in years, he felt like this may be what he needed. So much had happened since his last published work. So many events that he let consume him. He didn't write for years at a time, and all of that pent up energy was weighing heavily on him. So, now that he had broken through the wall of writer's block, he was going to embrace it and write as often as possible. He sat back down at the desk and began to write once more.
It's rarely ever easy to just come out and talk about the white elephant in the room. Most of my life was built on not talking about things. When I was a kid, I questioned the things happening around me, but as I grew older and more exposed to the world, we stopped talking about the things that really needed to be talked about. Even now, I fall victim to this behavior. I want, more than anything, to take my wife by the hand, and to try and make this work. But my stupid pride and the fact that I'm afraid of what would come of that conversation keep me from actually doing it.
So, this wasn't necessarily his next book. He had a separate file open for that. This file was a journal he kept. He didn't write in it regularly, nor did he keep up with it all of the time. When he felt the need, he wrote in it, and tonight, he'd needed to write about it.
I feel as though I'm a stranger to my own daughter. We can't hold a conversation. She doesn't seem to care that I'm not that involved, so I keep pushing forward. I've tried. I've tried to get her interested in things that I think she may like. I try to be a good father, but how do I even know what a good father is? Sure, I had Keith, but even then, he was my uncle, and I plain out knew that. Dan was the man who fathered me and should have taught me about being a man and, more importantly, being a father. Feeling like a stranger to Sawyer kills me more than anyone will ever know.
Lucas's marriage hadn't been all he dreamed for for about ten years. Things happen, people grow apart, that's to be expected. But he never expected that such a great love as the one he and Peyton had all of those years ago. It pained him to think it, but part of him figured it was part of them becoming parents. Each chose their focus area. Peyton focused on Sawyer and Lucas focused on finding his career. Things like that happened whenever people didn't move in their directions together. He knew that it could have been avoided, had he been able to overcome certain things in the past. But this was their situation. He just didn't know how to move forward.