Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters, right.
A/N: I really wanted to write some Bilbo/Kili/Fili. Why? Because I like them all. And apparently when I like them all they all should have sex together. Don't ask me how it works, all right!? It just does. In my mind, at least.
Warnings: Incest, mental drama, rough sex (all in the next chapter)
If there is anything Bilbo has learned of dwarves and their ways, it is that whenever Fili and Kili approach him he forgets how to say no. Though they have lived longer than him, they seem to mature at a pace of some who have a lot of time and are in no hurry. It sometimes makes him forget the years on their backs and treat them more like he does his younger cousins, especially when the two dwarves look at him with such genuine interest and will to learn.
Bilbo likes to think himself an academic, and doesn't mind teaching. He himself is quite fascinated by their cultural differences and gladly sits down to answer some questions and question in return. Plus, he is rather gladdened by how ready Fili and Kili are to laugh around him, taking his presence in stride which many of their older kin find not so easy to do.
So Bilbo is rather fond of Thorin's nephews, even adores them to some extent. But they can be an unbelievably amount of mischief and trouble. Sometimes they like to play childish little pranks on the members of the Company, convincing Ori to join them and trying to pin the blame on him when they get caught. And they do get caught, for who else would be responsible for braids of various owners being tied together or other such mild inconveniences? Thorin may yell and scold them all he wants, but the two of them will only continue to laugh the moment their uncle turns his back on them.
"We are on a suicide mission, Master Hobbit. Might as well have fun while we're at it," is their reason for not adopting the serious and brooding kind of princely nature Thorin would surely prefer them to sport. While Bilbo can't help the shudder that comes from their thinking of how this journey will end, as a Hobbit, he agrees that life is too short to waste on being anything more or less than who you were born to be.
But that doesn't mean he welcomes the trouble that comes with Fili and Kili. He can accept it, but he will also do his very best to avoid it. In fact, he has done so admirably for the last five days now after having noticed how the two of them had started to move as a snug pack, their eyes constantly on him even while somehow communicating with barely heard words and inadequate sentences.
"Whatever it is they are on about can't be anything good," Bofur said in his good-natured way on Bilbo's second day of what he was starting to call the Great Avoidance. All the other dwarves had noticed the little on goings of the three of them, more than a little amused by it. Some found the pity in them to help Bilbo by playing along with the hobbit's excuses of being too extremely busy to notice the growing attention, some purposely trying to leave him to the mercy of the two dwarf princes.
"I think you should go gather some firewood for us, burglar," Gloin had said on day three of GA, failing on subtle when he kept exchanging merry little looks with Oin. When Bilbo pointed out that the task had never been given to him before because, according to Dwalin, someone like him could manage to carry only a few twigs and branches, Gloin waved his hand in a dismissing manner and shooed the hobbit into the surrounding forest.
It was confirmed then that Fili and Kili were waiting for Bilbo to be alone before they approached, because as soon as the hobbit passed the first tree, the two of them stood up and followed. Using silence and his ability to go unnoticed, Bilbo returned to the camp three hours before the brothers did, carrying one twig, a branch and a rather self-satisfied smile.
So then, five whole days have passed in a similar manner, and Bilbo is either reaching the end of his patience or is starting to harbour the kind of delusion where this level of persistence should not be fought against.
But it's not Bilbo who gives in, nor is it Fili and Kili who give up. On day five of GA Thorin intervenes, standing in front of the two young dwarves with his arms crossed over his chest, looking all levels of sour and annoyed.
"What do you think you are doing?" Thorin asks his nephews who reply in synch with an innocent, "Nothing."
"Every member of this Company knows it's anything but that! Now out with it," Thorin barks in response, the king in his voice withdrawing when a parent takes place.
Fili and Kili share a look, one where both of them wonder whether or not Thorin should be told and if the other thinks along the same lines.
"We want the hobbit," Kili says finally, Fili agreeing with his little brother by nodding his head.
"Your actions have made that very clear," Thorin glares, not taking kindly how his nephews tried to play their way out of this. "What do you want him for?"
"Educational purposes," Fili says this time, a wide smile too quick on both of their faces. Bilbo hears this just as well as he has heard the rest of the conversation, and he cannot be the only one who fails to believe a word of what the brothers are saying.
"Then ask him as you have done so many times before. Sit by him in front of the campfire and have him tell you all the stories you want to hear," Thorin orders them, making Bilbo's heart swell by the thought that the King was actually on his side. "Just stop this lurking about that you have been doing for the past five days. It is vexing and all sorts of embarrassing."
Having said that, Thorin turns around, thinking that all had been solved. But the two youngsters don't quite agree, and they attack their uncle full force. Bilbo learns then that a combined force of Fili and Kili can be enough to make even Thorin yield. For sometimes the King acts like the two are the biggest bane he has to carry, and sometimes he acts like a parent who wishes for nothing else than to have those two children back at home where they would be safe from this mission the two of them call a suicide.
But Fili and Kili are here with them, and there has to be a reason for it other than Thorin's free will to have them join him.
And so the spectacle unfolds, Fili making the first move by grabbing a hold of Thorin's arm and forcing him to face them again. He widens his blue eyes so much that they start to water and with a panicked voice that children often use when their attempt to impress their parents had gone horribly wrong, he says, "We mean no mischief! Please!"
Meanwhile Kili has taken many a step towards Thorin, standing close enough to make the King's eyes go a bit cross-eyed. Clinging to the furs of Thorin's coat, Kili asks with desperation, "Do you not trust us, uncle?"
Bilbo knows that is the moment Thorin Oakenshield forgets how to say no as well. In fact, Thorin seems to forget mock stories of orc raids, lost ponies and almost-drownings as well. For a moment the dwarf is lost in the memory of being young and full of urge to prove himself somehow to those he looked up to, and that is when Fili and Kili gain their victory.
"Baggins," Thorin calls for Bilbo after having coughed himself back into the present. He looks at the hobbit while prying Kili's hands off his furs and says, "Whatever is occupying the thoughts of these two, for the sake of us all, empty their minds of it."
"But-" Bilbo tries to argue no matter how futile he knows it to be.
"It is an order," are Thorin's final words which make Bilbo shiver almost as much as the growing smirks on the faces of Fili and Kili do when they come to grab him and proceed to drag him away from the camp and into the forest.
"Think only of happiest times," Bofur hollers after them, voice full of cheer. "And find comfort in the thought that us eleven will come and mourn at your wooded grave!"
To Be Continued...
Read and Review! :D