A/N: I started writing this the other day but I wasn't happy with it so after a bit of re-jigging I worked it into something I was happier about.
Grief was a funny thing, Doug thought. Not ha ha funny but strange funny. It took over your entire being and no matter how much you tried to get out it would just pull you down further and further into the depths. This was the fourth time in two years that Doug had felt this way; like his world was ending and it never got any easier. It was all consuming and the only thing that was stopping him from going under was knowing that Leanne was being charged with the murder and he had to prove her innocence. He wasn't about to let one of his best friends rot in jail if she was innocent.
He was sitting on the sofa, thinking and trying his hardest not to give into the grief when he heard a gentle knock at the door. He almost didn't answer it. He wanted to pretend he wasn't in; ignore it and ignore the world but the knocking persisted and in the end he answered just to get whomever it was to stop. He hadn't been expecting anyone, he didn't even want to see anyone. Opening it, he saw John Paul on the other side.
"Come on," John Paul said. "You're not even dressed."
"What are you on about?" Doug asked feeling extremely confused. He had no idea what John Paul was saying.
"Didn't you get my text?"
"I haven't checked my phone."
"You need to get dressed. We have a train to catch. Why don't you get ready and I'll get Matthew's pushchair down the steps because it took me about ten minutes to drag it up. It's impossible, I honestly don't know how Will does it. I'll meet you outside in ten minutes." Doug didn't move. "Come on, we haven't got all day," he instructed.
Doug sighed but followed John Paul's instructions and met him outside where he was waiting for Matthew.
"Where are we going?" He asked. "You can at least tell me that."
"We're going to the seaside," John Paul replied.
xXx
It was rather a nice day; especially considering the poor start to the year. At least it wasn't raining, Doug thought. Although, he had almost wanted it to considering how he was feeling. It was almost as if the weather was mocking him being sunny and almost warm when he was feeling so down. They were sat on the sand with Matthew still in his pushchair. Doug had taken off his shoes and buried his feet in the sand, enjoying the gritty feeling of the cold sand against his skin.
They hadn't really spoken and now they were mostly sitting in silence but every so often John Paul would talk to Matthew. He turned to Doug and smiled.
"How are you doing?" He asked. They hadn't spoken much on the train, Matthew had been fussing and Doug was content to just sit there in silence whilst John Paul comforted his son.
"Some minutes are better than others," Doug replied, looking down at the sand and running his fingers through; drawing some meaningless pattern. "I just want to forget for a little while. I want to pretend that it didn't happen, that my best friend didn't die and that my other best friend is being accused of killing her."
"I think we should build a sandcastle. Here, take him," he said as he freed Matthew from his pushchair and handed him to Doug. Matthew wriggled in his arms before settling. "I can't believe how big he's getting. He was so tiny," he stroked his son's hair and Matthew giggled happily.
Doug didn't reply but he gave John Paul a sad smile. He didn't feel like talking although he did appreciate John Paul's attempt to cheer him up and keep his mind off things.
"I haven't built a sandcastle for years," he continued to babble as he grabbed the bucket and spade he had brought along. "What about you?" Doug shook his head. "Well, this'll be an interesting experiment."
Doug repositioned Matthew so he was sitting up and facing John Paul and they both watched him play in the sand.
"I don't know if you want to talk about this yet but tell me more about Texas. I know you two were very close but I never really knew her that well," John Paul asked. "She seemed nice."
"She was amazing," Doug said. "She was sweet and funny and caring. She was amazing when I came out, you know, really understanding. She was my best friend and I don't know what I'm going to do without her."
"You'll get through it. It might not seem like it now but you will."
"I know I will but there's a part of me that doesn't want to because I don't want to let her go."
"When my sister died I didn't think I'd get through it. It just hurt so much, you now? It hurt to think about her, it hurt just to breathe."
"I didn't know you had another sister," Doug admitted.
"Her name was Tina. She died almost five years ago now," John Paul's voice cracked as he remembered his sister.
"I'm sorry," Doug shifted Matthew in his arms so he could put one of his arms around John Paul's shoulder.
"Losing someone is the hardest thing in the world, isn't it?"
"Yeah," Doug agreed. "Knowing that you're never going to see them again, talk to them or hear their laugh. You always think about what you could have done differently. You think of them and you wonder that if you changed just one thing then they might still be alive."
"But you can't and that makes it hurt even more," John Paul finished. They both fell silent for a few minutes before John Paul spoke again. "I'm doing a really bad job of trying to cheer you up."
"It's okay," Doug smiled sadly. "Maybe we can cheer each other up."
"Sounds like a plan."
"Pass me the bucket, you're rubbish at making sandcastles."
xXx
It might not have seemed like it immediately but Doug ended up having a good time at the beach. Matthew had the time of his life as he watched the two of them build sandcastles, giggling and laughing the entire afternoon. Just hearing the baby laughing cheered Doug up slightly.
"I think that can be classed as a very successful first trip to the seaside," John Paul announced as they re-entered the village later that afternoon. "Matthew had the time of his life," he looked down at his son who was now fast asleep. He had fallen asleep as soon as they had got back on the train and he hadn't woken up the entire journey home. "He's exhausted now though."
"Maybe you should get him home," Doug said, not really wanting the day to end but knowing it was inevitable.
"Or we could go back to yours and have something to eat whilst he's asleep. We could talk more."
"I'd like that."
xXx
"Thank you for today," Doug said. They were both sitting on the sofa; Doug was resting his head on John Paul's shoulder. "I really needed it. I needed to forget for a little while and pretend like everything is okay."
"Do you want anything? I could make coffee," John Paul asked as he wrapped his arm around Doug's shoulder.
"If I drink any more coffee I'll be bouncing off the walls."
"Something to eat then, maybe?"
"Let's just sit for a while."
"Okay."
They sat in silence for what seemed like hours. Doug didn't feel the need to talk but he was just glad that John Paul was sat next to him. He welcomed the warmth from his body. It seeped into his skin and almost relaxed him.
"Do you think Leanne killed Texas?" He heard Doug ask eventually. "Everyone else thinks she did."
"I know Leanne can be a bit crazy but I don't think she's capable of killing someone."
"I need to prove that she didn't do it. I need to find out who did. I'm just so tired."
"You need to sleep. You can't help Leanne if you've passed out from exhaustion. I know you want to help her but you've got to help yourself too."
"I know, you're right but I can't sleep."
Doug's voice broke John Paul's heart. He sounded so sad and broken.
"I don't want to go through this again," he told John Paul quietly. "I've lost so many people and I can't do it again. I feel like I'm drowning. I feel like I'm being pulled under and there's nothing there to grab onto. It hurts too much, even to breathe."
Something inside Doug broke and the floodgates opened. He started to cry. John Paul pulled him closer. Doug buried his head into John Paul's shoulder as he sobbed. He didn't think he was ever going to stop.
"Shhhh, it's going to be okay," John Paul soothed and comforted. He held him until the younger man calmed slightly. "Do you want me to stay tonight?"
"What about Matthew?" He croaked and looked over to the sleeping baby. "I don't think he'll appreciate spending all night in his pushchair."
"I just don't want you to be alone."
"I'll be fine, really. You don't have to stay."
John Paul leaned in and gave Doug a kiss. It was soft and comforting and Doug never wanted it to end.
"I really don't want you to go," he sighed, finally admitting to John Paul and himself that he didn't want to be alone.
"How about I take Matthew home and then come back. I'm sure mum won't mind if I tell her the reason."
"You don't have to."
"But you need it."
"Thank you."
John Paul stood up and took hold of Matthew's pushchair. As Doug walked him to the door, he reached into Matthew's bag and pulled out a card. "Here, I forgot to give it to you earlier," he handed it to Doug. "I won't be long," he said and kissed Doug one more time before he left.
Doug sat down on the sofa and opened the envelope. He pulled out a simple sympathy card and opened it, smiling slightly at the message.
Any time at all.