The Colonel Vs. The Parson's 5 Snafus

5 times, Colonel Johnathan Ryan Casey wished he had never met Parson Annie Coburn, his current fiance.

1. She had a horribly busy weekend, and they saw little of each other either Friday or Saturday. He had planned to attend her church on Sunday, but the General had called his secure line and he needed to drive up to the Joint Base in Lakewood and fly back to Burbank by 4:00p.m. Sunday afternoon. They managed to slip in a delicious private barbeque on Friday night after her wedding rehearsal but by the time she had come home Saturday night after the wedding, they only had desert together before he headed for the hotel. So his only prayer for some decent time was that she would not have anyone trap her in her office for counseling after she preached. But sure enough, Lonnie, the proverbial whiner, caught up to Casey's parson, and by 12:30 after church, John was chopping at the bit, hands folded tightly across his chest, eyes glaring at her closed door. Finally, she opened it, noticed his body language, and scooted Lonnie out swiftly and effectively. She held up her index finger and then pointed it to the ladies room. She rushed in there to go to the bathroom, but the tall Marine just followed her into the restroom, and right into the large wheelchair stall she was going to use. Her eyes grew big, and before she could shooshed him out of the stall, he leaned over, straddled the toilet, pushing her until her back was on the wall, and hungerly kissed her. His tongue demanded entrance, and she groaned at his sexual force. His right hand clasped her head and pulled her even nearer to his body, and they stood trying to make sure neither one of them would trip into the toilet. Neither one of them wanted this madness to end, until a little girl, in the next stall, peeked under the partition, her brown eyes wide and her giggles echoing through the room.

"Pastor, why is Mr. Casey using your stall? Does he need to tinkle too?"

2. It was the parson's time to preach at the 24 hour drug church in town, but Casey was visiting that day, also. He was not comfortable with letting her go preach to these drug and alcohol addicted men, even if she told him that none of them had ever scared her, and that they loved to hear her sing. So he offered to carry her Bible and guitar into the building, but she balked at that, knowing they could pick a law man such as him out of a crowd of hundreds. He grudgingly let her go, realizing that he could not control this stubborn and called woman of his. But it went against everything he believed in about protecting those who needed his soldiering. So he went down to the 2nd hand store, bought some ratty overalls, a pair of dusty, busted size 13 boots, and a hooded jacket to cover his face. He parked the Vic about two blocks away from the drug church, and when no one was watching, he slipped out, bent over, and began limping heavily to the back door of the church. One of the main leaders, Mark, stepped out, stopping John, and tried to turn him away, but John, slurring his speech, demanded that he come in for a spell and here the words of Jesus from that there lady preacher. Mark tried to stare Casey down, but eventually, he allowed the huge man to enter, and showed him the back pew, in the darkest corner of the church room. Pastor Annie was already half way through, and she just nodded to the stranger as she continued to preach. At the end of her sermon, she picked up the worn guitar, tuned it up, and began to sing, "As a deer panteth for the waters, so my soul panteth after thee..." She got no further, when she was interrupted by two of the local police entering. They went right up to the stranger and before he could decide how to react, they slipped handcuffs on him and led him away. 15 minutes later, Annie was loading the guitar and Bible up in her Beetle Bug, and her cell phone rang out, with John Casey's picture on the screen.

"John, hi, honey, where are you? Everything, ok?

"I'm in the pockey, Parson. Come make my bail."

3. Pastor Annie Coburn was visiting the Colonel down in Burbank for the week, and she, Morgan and Alex were planning a surprise birthday party for the soldier. Chuck and Sarah, newly engaged, were in charge of the favors, Ellie and Devon were in charge of the food, and with some trepidation, Annie appointed Big Mike, Lester, and Jeff to provide the music. The courtyard of the apartment complex was resplendent with balloons, streamers, and Happy 55 Years Birthday Banners. Candles were lit around the fountain and a non alcoholic punchbowl sat along side the spiked punch bowl, courtesy of Jeff. The party was to begin at 8p.m. On Friday, and all the apartment renters were spilling out of Chuck and Sarah's place, laughing and talking. Annie had made sure John's home was safe to anyone who wanted to visit; his guns were all cleaned and hidden away, his computers locked and turned off, and his bonsei tree put carefully up on his fireplace mantel. All was ready, but the birthday boy had not showed up, and it was now 10 p.m. Annie tried to call him, but it went into his voice mail box instantly. She checked once more around his apartment, to see if he left a note or a clue as to his whereabouts. She called Greta at the Buy More, but after checking all over the store, Greta said he left to go home about 6 o'clock. Annie was beginning to get worried, but she was thankful that Big Mike and Jeffster were successfully entertaining the crowd with a combination of Earth, Wind, Fire and Rain hits, as well as classics from Neil Diamond. Annie had gone to check in with Alex whose arm was around Morgan, when Morgan dropped his class and his face went pure white. Annie followed his stare, as did all the other people. There, standing in the courtyard entrance, was a 6 foot 4 inch bloodied, cut, bruised man, barely upright, in boxers that scarcely concealed his front. His blue eyes were shockingly brilliant against the blood that dripped down his face, and he could only stare at Annie, his lips cracked, and his voice cracking.

"Hi, Parson, am I late?" he croaked out, and then promptly fell flat on his face in front of 50 people.

4. It had been a wet, and woolly winter in the Pacific Northwest, and Pastor Annie was dying to see springtime come. Her congregation was constantly sick with flu and bronchitis, and one by one, they would need a visit for her. Col. Casey watched her woman with respect, as she ministered tirelessly to each member, with compassion and grace. She got the ladies group to make meals for the sick, and the youth group to try and clean houses and yards. John went to mow several of the elder's yards, and they grew to love and respect the Parson's man. Even the high school kids loved the Marine, and often he found that they would ask him questions about the military, and his own teen years. But after several weeks of caring for the sick, Annie herself got so ill that she needed to be hospitalized. When the tests came back as pneumonia and dehydration, Casey called the Leadership Council of the church, and they got another pastor to come in and preach for four weeks, to give Annie a break. He spent all his free time up with her, taking care of her, fixing her soup, and holding her when the coughing caused her to vomit. Slowly, she began to recover, and the next time John returned to Southern California, she went with him to lay out in the warm sun along the beach. Team Bartowski had just returned from a small mission, and John was ready to relax at the beach with Annie. He unlocked the door to his apartment, but Morgan and he found a short note explaining that she had taken some books and went to read at the beach. John gathered some juice and sandwiches and he and Morgan walked quickly to their favorite spot. Sure enough the small pastor was lying out in her bright peach bathing suit, a little yellow hat pulled over her eyes, her Bible open face down on her tummy. Casey smiled at the peaceful scene and he crept up to surprise her. However, when he did, she reared up, slammed her fist in his nose, and flipped him over onto his back in the sand. Before Morgan could stop her, she was straddling the Colonel, and had a small pistol pointed in his now broken nose. He tried to stop the blood spurting from his face, but his eyes were twinkling, and he laughed loudly but painfully,

"Our self defense classes really are working, huh, Parson?"

5. She had been asked to direct the town's patriotic festival choir, and Annie was excited as she called down to her favorite Marine. Col. John Casey listened patiently to his woman as she rattled on and on about the details that needed to be ironed out, but he really wasn't listening until she needed someone tall and lanky to play Abraham Lincoln. Before he could stop himself, he had volunteered the Intersect as Lincoln, and that somehow Morgan could become Ben Franklin. So the next two months, Casey, Morgan, and Chuck traveled to Annie's home town to learn the parts and play the roles. Everything was going in the right direction; the choirs had memorized their parts well, and Annie had asked John to do the Flag Presentation. When the 4th of July was on them, the day started bright and clear. However, halfway through the outdoor cantata, the skies grew dark, and as typically in Western Washington, a deluge of water came down from heaven. Hurriedly, everyone ran for cover, and John helped Harry with the expensive sound equipment. Food was moved in doors, and the barbeques were making very wet hot dogs and burgers. Pastor Annie was clearly upset, and a mixture of rain and tears were streaming down her face. Then, John got an idea. He helped Harry set up a portable sound system, and got everyone seated and quiet. John wiped the rain from his dress uniform and put his dress hat back on. He winked at his favorite parson, and then slowly, and steadily, his baritone voice ringing out among the wet folks of his church, he spoke the words of the Declaration of Independence:

When in the Course of human events it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bands which have connected them with another and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature's God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation.

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness. — That to secure these rights, Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed, — That whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Government, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness. Prudence, indeed, will dictate that Governments long established should not be changed for light and transient causes; and accordingly all experience hath shewn that mankind are more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable than to right themselves by abolishing the forms to which they are accustomed. But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same Object evinces a design to reduce them under absolute Despotism, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such Government, and to provide new Guards for their future security.

The entire room was absolutely still, until Pastor Annie let out a huge sneeze, spraying the room with her spit and nose drippings. She looked horrified, for desecrating the sacredness of these words. Everyone laughed when Morgan, as Ben Franklin, stood up and said "As I always say, a sneeze in time saves nine!" Casey glared at him. And one snafu Casey loved best:

6. He had insisted she learn self defense. He had insisted she learn how to shoot various guns and how to tear them apart, clean them and put them back together again. He insisted that she learn to organize an overnight bag with everything a Marine's wife would need if she was called out on a spy mission. He even insisted she learn to trim his bonzai tree, and to make Morgan clean up after himself. But she insisted on making love in the morning, never going to bed mad in the evening, and she insisted that he make time for dates with his beautiful daughter, Alex. He gave her wild flowers on any day; she made him triple chocolate brownies whenever he had a difficult mission. He taught her to be a woman of great emotional strength, and she taught him to be a man of great spiritual strength. He helped Morgan move out to his own apartment, and she made new curtains for Morgan and Alex's new marital home. He handcrafted a beautiful rocking cradle, and she used it to place their newborn little girl in it. She held him when Chuck was shot up badly, and almost died. And he held her as she gave up her congregational call to become the N.S.A.'s chaplain. They worked seamlessly together, but she always let him go to Thursday night poker at the Buy More and he always let her go to Saturday morning spa day with the girls; Alex, Sarah, Ellie, and later with Dorrie Ann, their daughter. She held him back when he wanted to kill the boys that dated Dorrie Ann, and he held her back she wanted to kill them for hurting her daughter. And she cried when he, resplendent in his general's dress uniform, walked their beautiful daughter down the aisle. And he cried when he held his tiny grandson, John Alex, in his arms. And she held him gently in her arms, as the great soldier finally breathed his last breath this side of heaven. And he welcomed her home to eternity when she ran through those golden gates. She threw himself into his arms, and as they held each other, Jesus came up to them, blessed them, and together showed them around his beautiful home.

Love to hear from everyone about our couple's snafus. Hope you have a giggle or two. Please review!