Jeff Dunham's Halloween Special
Disclaimer: We do not own Twilight or Jeff Dunham or any of his puppets. We can only play with them. :)
Susannah: So, my mom had a majorly funny idea after watching Jeff Dunham's Spark of Insanity dvd.
Cheyenne: We get to have a little fun at poor Edward's expense, and we're going to enjoy it! (evil cackle)
Susannah: Edward and Bella get to go to a Jeff Dunham Halloween Special. Need I say more? Well, yeah, I should. If you haven't seen Jeff Dunham's Spark of Insanity dvd, you'll want to. We took a lot of the jokes from that and tweaked them to fit in here.
Cheyenne: oooh! Can I have Achmed when we're done? (sparkly-pleading eyes)
Susannah: Uh… I suppose… If you can get him away from Jeff.
Cheyenne: aw… oooh! I can ask him to make me my own Achmed! Then I won't have to steal his buddy! (grin)
Susannah: (shakes head) Let's get this story started. Enjoy!
).O.(
"Come on, I promise, it'll be fun…" Jacob coaxed, waving two tickets in our faces. Bella frowned at them and pressed herself closer to my side.
"What's the catch?" she asked suspiciously. Jacob shrugged.
"No catch, I just want to send my best friend to the funniest comedy show I've ever seen, and I know you won't go anywhere without your precious blood sucker, so I got him a ticket, too."
Bella glanced up at me, and I shrugged. "It's up to you, love," I said. I've never heard of Jeff Dunham, but really, how bad could it be?
).O.(
"Look at all the people!" Bella yelled to me over the loud din echoing around the large room. Indeed, the place was crowded, and I wondered idly if they'd sold more tickets than they had seats. We were, amazingly, in the front row. I had to admit, the mutt did well picking out the seat. These tickets must have cost a small fortune.
"Here, Bella," I said, standing next to my seat. I held my hand out to her and helped her keep her balance as she stepped over someone's feet. We both sat down, and she immediately grabbed my hand with both of hers.
The theater lights dimmed just moments later, and excitement buzzed through the air like an electrical current. The crowd hushed, waiting expectantly. 'Spooky' ghost sounds began to play and the stage lights came on, illuminating what looked like a parrot stand and a large, wooden suitcase.
"Now presenting, Jeff Dunham!" an annoyingly loud voice came over the loudspeaker, making my ears ring. Then I felt my mouth drop open in shock.
A middle aged man in a Dracula costume came running onto the stage, grinning like a madman, showing off his fake vampire teeth. His long black cloak billowed out behind him.
The audience jumped to their feet, screaming and clapping, and I flinched. One glance at Bella showed me I wasn't alone. She looked like a deer caught in someone's headlights, and I squeezed her hand reassuringly. Leaning over, I whispered, "I'm sure we can figure out how to get that mutt back later."
She gave me a slight smile, clapping her free hand against mine politely.
"Good evening," Jeff drawled in a very badly attempted Dracula accent. "Blood donors." I couldn't help it, I snorted. It was completely unexpected. Bella had asked me not to read his mind, to just sit back and enjoy the show, and I reluctantly agreed. If only that girl knew what she could make me do… I'd be in a lot of trouble if she ever found out the extent of her power over me.
"I would like to thank each and every one of you wonderful morsels for inviting me out here to Seattle, Washington. I'm not thirsty anymore."
Bella giggled next to me, and I twitched in my seat. A small ripple of laughter spread through the audience. I twitched again. The mutt would die. Very simple.
Jeff reached into his suitcase, and the audience roared. I frowned. The man hadn't even pulled anything out yet. I wished I could look into his mind, but I'd promised Bella… I slid down in my seat.
I sat back up when I saw a puppet. The man had… a puppet. At first glance, it looked like a raisin with feet. As he was set on the parrot stand, however, I realized it was an older man. He had a thin ring of hair that wrapped around the back from one ear to the other. His face was highly wrinkled and his lips were turned down in an angry scowl. The first thought in my head was 'Oh God, is that what Charlie will look like in twenty or so years?'
The puppet turned to Jeff and jumped, both eyebrows jumping to the top of its head. "What the hell are you wearing?" the puppet asked rudely in a somewhat gravelly voice. I jumped and turned to Bella. Her free hand was over her mouth; apparently she was laughing. Hmm…
"It's Halloween. I'm Dracula," Jeff said, looking at the puppet.
"Yeah, and I'm Santa Clause," the puppet retorted, turning to look at the laughing crowd. "Ho ho ho. Ha! That's what I want for Christmas."
The crowd roared, and I laughed quietly. I glanced at Bella to see her eyes sparkling as she laughed with the rest of the crowd. Maybe this wouldn't be so bad after all.
"But what about your wife, Walter?" Jeff asked, frowning. The puppet turned to look at him, raising both its eyebrows.
"She's the real Dracula," he said, sticking his nose up in the air. I felt Bella's hand drop away from mine, and out of the corner of my eye I saw her lurch forward in her seat to hold her sides. He wasn't that funny…
From the suitcase, I heard another voice. "He's right. She'll kill us!" Jeff turned to stare at the suitcase, then looked at 'Walter' as the puppet tilted his head back and laughed.
"Your wife isn't that bad, is she?" Jeff asked incredulously.
The puppet turned to look at him as he said, "She is when Aunt Flo visits."
I couldn't help it. I was laughing nearly as hard as Bella, and when I saw her cheeks turn pink, it just made it better.
A few puppets and many jokes later, Jeff pulled out a… purple monkey. What would this guy dream up next? I looked closer and groaned quietly. As if having a purple monkey wasn't bad enough, the stupid thing had fake vampire fangs shoved into its furry mouth.
"Hello, Peanut," Jeff said in that horridly fake accent of his. "How are you tonight?"
"Hiya Jeff!" the puppet shouted in a hyper, nasally voice. I groaned quietly again. Even the puppet was using that damned accent. "I'm… thirsty…" The puppet stared out at the audience as if looking for its next meal. It laid its bright green eyes on the seat beside mine. I narrowed my eyes slightly. I felt Bella shift in her seat.
The puppet's jaw dropped and its hand extended out towards Bella. "I want the pretty lady…" his voice was childish, like a four year old asking for candy from a store. I stiffened, barely biting back a snarl. I felt Bella press into my side. "Aw don't be like that! I won't drink it all!" The puppet whined, obviously seeing Bella's discomfort.
"Peanut! You can't just pull some poor girl out of the audience!" Jeff cried indignantly. "She hasn't seen the entire show yet." Another ripple of laughter flowed through the audience.
"But I need her!" The puppet whined again, stamping his sneakered foot. "Her blood calls to me…" Bella and I both stiffened again. "Please…?"
Bella shook her head vehemently, grabbing my hand in both of hers and scooting as close as she could get with the armrest between us. I glared at the puppet as I placed my free hand on top of hers.
"Aww…!" the puppet whined. "But, what about my snack?" The puppet turned its head to Jeff, pouting. "Make her feed me!"
"I can't make someone feed you, Peanut." Jeff said, shaking his head. "Why don't you wait until after the show? I'll… show you the good spots…"
"But but but but but but…" The puppet dropped its head down to its chest and sighed loudly. "You always take me out for Chinese or Mexican! I want American food tonight!" the puppet growled, thrusting its arm out toward Bella once more. "I. Want. HER!"
Bella whimpered. "I don't want to go onstage," she whispered to me, hiding her head in my chest. I put my arm around her and glared up at Jeff.
The puppet rapidly shook its head and pulled back, staring at me. It did it again, then its jaw dropped as it turned to stare at Jeff. "I think that guy stole my snack…"
I went to stand up when Jeff said, "Peanut, stop it!"
"What?" the puppet tossed back, turning to stare at Bella again.
"You are making the poor girl uncomfortable," Jeff said, frowning at the puppet. "Apologize. Now."
The puppet heaved a big sigh, then suddenly started bouncing. "Okay," he said quickly. He looked at Bella and said, "I am sorry, madam. May I please come and give you a hug to show how sorry I am?" It bounced again.
Bella pulled her head away from me as I stiffened again. Would this guy not take a hint? I watched as Bella nibbled on a fingernail for a moment, then slowly nodded her head. I stared at her. What on Earth possessed her to do that?
The puppet jumped happily and looked at Jeff. "WELL?"
Jeff blinked, looking confused. "Well what..?"
The puppet slapped its forehead. "I can't just WALK down there, you moron! Carry meeeee!" the puppet cried annoyingly. I bit back another snarl.
"Oh!" Jeff picked Peanut up and carried him to a set of stairs a little ways to my left. I wrapped my arms around Bella again, pulling her against me and glaring at Jeff as he moved closer to us. "Remember Peanut, no biting," Jeff said to the annoying purple puppet as they stopped in front of us.
"Right, right, whatever! Gimme my huuuuuug!" the puppet moaned, reaching its good arm out towards Bella. I dug my nails into my palms to keep from ripping the puppet off the man's hand and shredding it into little, tiny pieces that no one would ever be able to find.
"Um…" Bella chewed on her bottom lip, then reached up to tap my arm lightly with her finger. "Edward, I need you to let go for a second, please," she mumbled quietly, shooting me an apologetic look. I growled very softly and lowered my arms reluctantly. I wanted to kill that little puppet. No, wait. I don't want to kill the puppet, I want to murder the person who sent us to this hell hole. I growled again. That mutt would pay for this with his life.
Bella shifted forward in her seat, twisting a bit so it would be easier for the puppet to hug her. I resisted the temptation to roll my eyes. She was too… nice. The puppet looped its working arm around her shoulder and nuzzled into her neck. There was a moment's pause, then Bella squealed in surprise and jumped back in her seat. She clapped a hand over her neck and stared wide eyed at Jeff and Peanut.
"W-what happened to no biting?" she asked nervously, her hand still clapped to her neck. I hissed and pulled Bella to me again, shooting Jeff a glare that clearly stated how I felt about his puppet biting my girlfriend. Jeff took a step back and Peanut looked at me.
"She tastes good, good, goooood!" he cackled. Jeff smacked him and ran back on stage to avoid any bloodshed. Smart man.
"And that's about all the scaring time we have for today ladies and gentlemen! It's time for me to take my little vampire home before he tries to eat the rest of the audience. You've been a great crowd! Thanks for coming!" He waved and ran off the stage, carrying Peanut with him.
Once we'd escaped the mad house of Jeff Dunham fans and made it to the safety of the car, I reached into my pocket and handed Bella my cell phone. I heard her punching numbers on the keypad as I sped out of the parking lot and towards the highway. It rang twice before he answered.
"Jacob? Hey, it's Bella. Mind meeting me at my house in twenty minutes? Yeah. Okay, see you there." She snapped my phone shut and smiled at me. Apparently Jacob hadn't noticed the icy tones of anger in her voice. I smirked. The night was about to get much better.
).O.(
Susannah: (sparkly eyes) That was great, Cheyenne. Perfect ending!
Cheyenne: (glares at readers) Did you like it? Huh? Huh? huh? You better have! It took us forever to write this thing! And it's only six pages! Holy crap!
Susannah: It was worth it, though. (grin) I had a great time watching you write. –I had the fun part of editing.-
Cheyenne: He-ey! My writing isn't that bad, ya know! S'not my fault I kept making typos... (sniffle) I tried!
Susannah: (sigh) And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why I edit. I really hope you liked our joint effort! (grin) Please let us know?
Cheyenne: Yeah, go push the little purple-ish blue button and make us happy! REVIEW!