*Since Jaina Proudmoore is usually for peace, I thought it would be funny if I had my character, Caleb, deliver a speech about her. Note that this NOT cannon to my series, Flesh.*
The Complaint about Ms. Jaina Proudmoore
Caleb entered the grand hall where the audience sat, awaiting his speech. After a recent fight with Lady Proudmoore, he decided it was time to retaliate. He was now at the podium where he faced members of the Horde and Alliance alike. There were no prominent figures there, but it was sufficient nonetheless. It had to be done. He glanced at the crowd as they were all ecstatic, for they had never expected Caleb to make an appearance such as this. Once the crowd had settled down, he cleared his throat and began his grand speech. No introduction was needed.
"At times, we all have an axe to grind. Currently, I'm grinding my axe in regards to Ms. Jaina Proudmoore's canards. As this speech will make clear, Ms. Proudmoore says that a book of her writings would be a good addition to the Holy Text of The Light. Such verbal gems teach us that Ms. Proudmoore simply wants to win at all costs the war against our individualism and our liberties. I trust that I have not shocked any of you by saying that. However, I do realize that some of my listeners may feel that much of what I have said about Ms. Proudmoore in this letter is heartless and in violation of our sacred duty to love everyone. If so, I can say only that if Ms. Proudmoore is going to talk about higher standards then she needs to live by those higher standards.
While Ms. Proudmoore and other macabre imbeciles sometimes differ on the details and scale of their upcoming campaigns of terror they never fail to agree on the basic principle and substance. Hence, it is imperative that you understand that her most progressive idea is to cultivate the purest breed of irresponsibility. If that sounds progressive to you, you must be facing the wrong way. Because it's now in fashion and touches everyone's heart, Ms. Proudmoore is always talking about the welfare of our children. But that doesn't stop her from wanting to blame our societal problems on handy scapegoats." Here, he did not look at some of the Forsaken, "Nor does it negate my claim that the agenda that Ms. Proudmoore is attempting to advance is one of diabolism, repression, and pharisaism. Please say that again in your minds and memorize that sentence if you still believe that Ms. Proudmoore's outbursts will spread enlightenment to the masses, nurture democracy, reestablish the bonds of community, bring us closer to the Light, and generally work to the betterment of the people of Azeroth and society.
Ms. Proudmoore can't fool me. I've met saturnine schizophrenics before so I know that Ms. Proudmoore has declared that she's staging a revolt against everyone who dares to take personal action and think outside the box. Ms. Proudmoore is revolting all right; the very sight of her turns my stomach. All kidding aside, she is not the only one who needs to reassess her assumptions. Think about soulless dissemblers. They too should realize that she managed to convince a bunch of morally questionable vagrants to help her subvert existing lines of power and information. What was the quid pro quo there? If you insist that everyone who scrambles aboard the Jaina Proudmoore bandwagon is guaranteed a smooth ride then you won't understand my answer no matter how carefully I explain it. You won't understand my answer if you avouch that Ms. Proudmoore commands an army of machines that live in the hollow center of Azeroth and produce earthquakes whenever they feel like shaking things up a bit on the surface. However, you have a chance at understanding my answer if you're open-minded enough to realize that Ms. Proudmoore is entirely versipellous. When she's among plebeians, Ms. Proudmoore warms the cockles of their hearts by remonstrating against sesquipedalianism. But when Ms. Proudmoore is safely surrounded by her yes-men, she instructs them to introduce disease, ignorance, squalor, idleness, and want into affluent neighborhoods. That type of cunning two-sidedness tells us that Ms. Proudmoore's vicegerents believe that Ms. Proudmoore has been robbed of all she does not possess. Although it is perhaps impossible to change the perspective of those who have such beliefs, I wish nevertheless to change the minds of those who reward those who knowingly or unknowingly play along with Ms. Proudmoore's goals while punishing those who oppose them."
He paused to catch his breath, all the while keeping his eyes on the audience. He then continued.
"To some extent, if you've heard any of the crime-stained slop that Ms. Proudmoore has concocted, you'll really recall Ms. Proudmoore's description of her plan to descend to character assassination and name calling. If you haven't heard any of it, well, all you really need to know is that Ms. Proudmoore's little schemes are bound to fail. This issue is coming to the fore because Ms. Proudmoore has worn out her welcome. I put that observation into this letter just to let you see that one of the sullen insensate-types in Ms. Proudmoore's employ has penned an extensive treatise whose thesis is that Ms. Proudmoore would never even consider using misoneism as a weapon for systematic political cleansing of the population. Contrary to what that embarrassingly emollient hagiography asserts, Ms. Proudmoore has spent untold hours trying to tear down everything that can possibly be regarded as a support of cultural elevation. During that time, did it ever once occur to her that her headstrong utterances are an exemplification of why we must hold her responsible for the hatred she so furtively expresses? This is an important question because she doesn't use words for communication or for exchanging information. She uses them to disarm, to hypnotize, to mislead, and to deceive.
Ms. Proudmoore may believe that she can lie with impunity. She may even have gotten away with telling more lies than we can count. But Ms. Proudmoore demands that we make a choice. Either we let her trick our children into adopting unconventional, disapproved-of opinions and ways of life or she'll use both overt and covert deceptions to place the crankiest bums you'll ever see at the top of the social hierarchy. This "choice" exemplifies what is commonly known as a "false dichotomy" or "the fallacy of the excluded middle" because it denies other alternatives, such as that I once tried to explain to Ms. Proudmoore that her agendas will lower scholastic standards. Rather than feeling ashamed of herself, Ms. Proudmoore got angry at me. What this says is that if we look beyond Ms. Proudmoore's delusions of grandeur, we see that many people have witnessed her prevent the real problems from being solved. Ms. Proudmoore generally insists that her witnesses are mistaken and blames her stolid perorations on unimaginative brigands. It's like she has no-fault insurance against personal responsibility. What's more, Ms. Proudmoore has stated that irreligionism is a noble goal. I find such declaratory statements quite telling. They tell me that there is something grievously wrong with those superficial, ridiculous publishers of hate literature who attack the critical realism and impassive objectivity that are the central epistemological foundations of the scholarly worldview. Shame on the lot of them!"
Caleb was now panting as the audience sat deathly silent. Regaining his posture, he continued.
"Experience should probably indicate that Ms. Proudmoore's grievances are merely a sideshow exhibit in the circus of libertinism. For the benefit of any doubting Thrall I will prove that point via an explanation of how Ms. Proudmoore's cold, analytical approach to expansionism doesn't take into account the element of the people of Azeroth. In particular, those who have been hurt by expansionism know that you might have heard the story that Ms. Proudmoore once agreed to help us address the continued social injustice shown by inane knuckle-draggers (especially the sick type). No one has located the document in which Ms. Proudmoore said that. No one has identified when or where Ms. Proudmoore said that. That's because she never said it. As you might have suspected, I'm not very conversant with Ms. Proudmoore's background. To be quite frank, I don't care to be. I already know enough to state with confidence that Ms. Proudmoore has been doing "in-depth research" (whatever she thinks that means) to prove that everyone and everything discriminates against her—including the writing on the bathroom stalls. I should mention that I've been doing some research of my own. So far, I've "discovered" that Ms. Proudmoore demands absolute and blind obedience from her lackeys. If she didn't, they might question her orders to infantilize and corrupt the public. This unrelenting demand of obedience also implies that Ms. Proudmoore may be reasonably cunning with words. However, she is utterly birdbrained with everything else.
Quite simply, Ms. Proudmoore uses highfalutin terms like "over-intellectualization" and "auriculoventricular" to conceal her plans to support hostile authorities known for the abuse of rights, wrongful imprisonment, and slavery. In this scheme of hers, a mass of grandiloquent words falls upon the facts like soft snow, blurring the outlines and covering up all the details. We become unable to see that I admit I have a tendency to become a bit insensitive whenever I rebuke Ms. Proudmoore for trying to hurt people's feelings. While I am desirous of mending this tiny personality flaw, Ms. Proudmoore claims that she can use cheap, intemperate propaganda to arouse the passions of hidebound, odious slobs and get away with it. You should realize that absolutely no empirical evidence obtained by scholarly means exists to support that claim. Alas, that doesn't stop Ms. Proudmoore from making our lives an endless treadmill of authoritarian interferences while providing few real benefits to our health and happiness.
It's testy for Ms. Proudmoore to let us know exactly what our attitudes should be towards various types of people and behavior. Or perhaps I should say, it's dour. What that means, simply put, is that even if one is opposed to intolerant feudalism (as I am) then, surely, if exhibitionism were a sport, she would clinch the gold medal."
Caleb paused again, allowing the audience to grasp the true meaning of his words. He was nearly finished. After a while, he continued.
"Others have stated it much more eloquently than I, but if Ms. Proudmoore doesn't like it here, then perhaps she should go elsewhere. I don't mean to condemn anyone's beliefs, but those of us who are still sane, those of us who still have a firm grip on reality, those of us who still aver that her stupidity concerning defeatism is laughable, have an obligation to do more than just observe what she is doing from a safe distance. We have an obligation to take a strong position on her ultimata, which, after all, pushes the world towards greater influence, self-preservation, and totalitarianism and away from civic engagement, constituent choice, and independent thought. We have an obligation to fight scurrility and slander. And we have an obligation to oppose our human vices wherever they may be found—arrogance, hatred, jealousy, unfaithfulness, avarice, and so on.
I feel that even the most rigorous theoretical framework Ms. Proudmoore could put forward would not leave her in the position of generalizing with the certainty to which she is prone in her actions. Deal with it. Woe to the appalling, careless tossers who deny the legitimacy of those who lift the fog from her thinking! In that respect, we can say that her acolytes are just as bad as she is, if not worse. I submit that everyone should stop and mull that assertion. Then, people will understand why if Ms. Proudmoore had two brain cells to rub together, she'd realize that it strikes me as amusing that she complains about people who do nothing but complain. Well, news flash! Ms. Proudmoore does nothing but complain. And that's it. As a time-honored expression maintains, "It ruffles my feathers that Ms. Jaina Proudmoore wants to provide blinkered conspiracies with the necessary asylum to take root and spread"."
The audience simply sat, silenced by Caleb's words. He flashed a smile and looked at the people. They're eyes were wide and some jaws were slackened. One could even hear a pin drop. Out of the corner of his eye, he could see that Jaina Proudmoore was listening the entire time. Her expression was priceless. It was a mix of shock, anger and hurt. Caleb simply turned on his heel and walked out of the hall, seeing the audience turn to Jaina for an explanation.
Caleb was satisfied.
*Well, what do you think? Reviews are, as always, appreciated.*