Self insert , harry gets a life

I Do not own Harry Potter but I do own myself .

A self insert fic

I was bored and just looking around some old book shops and that when I came across a weird looking book.

"How to have a laugh and ruin a poor story"

I smiled and imagined it was a book about writing fan fic (be cool idea to write one them). I just shrugged and decided to buy it. I like writing but will be the first to admit my grammar and spelling and punctuation all need a lot of work. If nothing else at least I might get a laugh from it.

After paying for the book and leaving I carried on with one of life's most tedious things "shopping" (I am male its boring, buy what you need and go) and made my way home. After a cuppa and getting some pain killers I sat down to read my new book. It was not what I was expecting, it had spells and rituals and all sort of hippy new age weirdness in it.

Feeling the need for either headache tablets or a wall to bang my head against I just flicked through it. "Well "I muttered "nothing ventured nothing gained "with that I got Harry Potter and the Goblet of fire, as it one book that could have gone so much better. After setting all the stuff and thinking to myself I really had to much time to myself I set to work with the ritual.

Harry sat there stunned his name had just come out some poxy over priced beer mug...sorry and ancient and powerful device THE GOBLET OF FIRE yer it was said in capital letters it was that important. His supposed best mate Ron was calling him a cheat yet he himself wanted to cheat to enter it, at least Hermione was giving him and encouraging smile. He got up and slowly as if dazed what the hell he was bloody dazed he made his way forward, and into the side room. He didn't know it but he had made his first steps to a happy free life.

Harry woke and got up it had been a crap night people congratulated him others like Ron called him a cheat and others just plain insulted him for up staging Diggery in Hufflepuff. He made his way down when he was met with a semi smiling Hermione who held out some toast for him.

"Its not good they think you did it give them some time and they be okay." She looked upset and more than a little annoyed.

What she didn't know was she was making her way to girlfriend number one spot. In Ravenclaw a blonde girl at bolt upright got a dreamy smile on her face blushed red then redder and passed out. Luna knew someone had made the first steps to her getting a boytoy and a girltoy.

I smiled if I had worked it out right it should be lunch for Hogwarts the day after the drawing of names. Today I would make Harry a very Happy person. I had called upon Dobby when I had first entered the world and was glad he came, after I explained I was here to help Harry Potter and would need his help the little guy couldn't help fast enough. He did feel a bit guilty about some things but after stuff was brought and people contacted he was much better.

Harry's day had not gotten any better Malfoy had some how and Harry had no clue how as Malfoy was even bigger idiot than Ron but somehow he had made badges with two slogans "support Diggery the real Hogwarts champion" and the less happy one of "potter stinks" yer as you could tell the slogans could be Malfoy the charm work no way in hell. It was Lunch time as he and Hermione made their way into the great hall Ron had opened his cavernous mouth to insult Harry and spray food about.

When.

"BOOOOOOOM" the great hall doors blew open and a figure entered looked at him and smiled. "Well Harry looks like you did our school proud."

Harry who had never seen this person before blinked then decided yes blinking again might work so he did so. Nope some weird person was standing there and smiling at him.

I looked at the lost child and smiled at him if only he knew how his life was about to change.

Hermione blinked "our school?" What the heck did this person mean.

Dumbledore stood up and in his "I am more powerful and intelligent that you way" spoke "I am sorry but what do you mean YOUR school Harry Potter is a Hogwarts boy and Hogwarts does not belong to you."

I smiled and then laughed "Harry potter goes to my school so does Hermione Granger and Luna Lovegood they transferred there recently as this place is a dump a cesspit a crapper disguised as a place of education"

Dumbledore looked like I might have killed him as he was pale and trying to go purple and all sorts of things his pet moggy decided to speak up.

"How dare you Hogwarts is a premier school of magic in the world how how "she tried to carry on but was spluttering and dumbfounded.

Harry looked at me and I smiled "Mr potter since you came to my school have you been attacked bad mouthed or treated like crap by any the teachers or students?"

Harry who didn't know what the hell was going on shrugged his shoulders and hoped for once his luck was good and shook his head "nope never."

I smiled back at him "while in this dump have you ever been bad mouthed attacked or mistreated by any students or teachers?"

Now Harry could not lie to this "Yes. Yes I have loads of times."

The hall was silent and looked at the newest spectacle going on in the great hall.

Hermione just couldn't work out what was going on she looked at Harry then the Blonde girl who had came over to them and just couldn't work out what the hell was going on.

"Dobby" the small elf appeared in front of me and nodded. Get Harry's and Miss Granger stuff and put it in the school transport as it staying here while our student completes in this farce. Dobby nodded and then spoke up "and Miss Loveysogood?"

I smiled and decided to embarrass people and teachers "take her trunk to the transport and then come back" I spoke up "by the time you come back the thieves and bullies in Ravenclaw will have gone to their hidey holes and got her stuff back they have stole from her and returned it back to her if they haven't then I am going to allow Harry to curse the crap out of them."

Professor Flitwick spoke up in his annoying squeaky voice "My Ravens are not thieves and bullies any of that would have been punished"

I just looked at him and started to laugh "Luna are you wearing shoes today or have they been stolen once again?" Luna looked at me and lifted her dress to show her bare feet.

"you was saying you little tosser?" I called out.

Flitwick sat there stunned they wouldn't they couldn't he looked at some of the girls faces and he knew they had. He felt his temper rise in him but was to late.

I made my way to the Ravens grabbed cho by her throat and lifted her up "DIDN'T YOU HEAR WHAT I SAID GET HER STUFF BACK TO HER NOW YOU SCANKY COW" I think I might have gone overboard as it smelt she had peed herself. She and several others ran of I presume to get Luna's stuff. Cedric did not look to happy.

Luna smiled this was it she was getting her stuff back and going on an adventure. A piece of parchment was put in her hands it was stuck to a bit of board by some metal clip she started to read it then she smiled and signed it.

Harry was watching all this and smiled he hated bullies and so it seemed did this mystery person. He was roused from his thought as a clipboard was taken from Luna and put in his hands he read it and signed it as well.

Hermione wondering what Harry and Luna had signed read it over Harry's shoulder.

We the undersigned Harry potter and Luna Lovegood agree to enter into a news partnership I harry potter agree only to be interviewed and questioned by "The Quibbler" and it's representatives. I get to choose what photo's and stories about me they print for the price of one knut. I agree that I shall not lie to them and they agree not to lie about me.

Signed

Luna Lovegood

Harry Potter

witnessed by

She felt the board pass to her and she witnessed it "Hermione Granger"

Her mind going a mile a minute worked it out Harry was protected to a point from the press. She knew Luna and her Dad ran the joke called "The Quibbler" but this would get their sales up and do all sorts for them. She handed the clipboard back. The man smiled at her. She heard running feet and a group of out of breath Ravenclaw's carrying stuff from books and jewellery to clothes stopped in front of them and handed them to Luna who smiled at the mystery man. Dobby popped into place took the stuff and popped away.

Harry couldn't work out what was going on and could see the teachers where getting closer when the man shouted out again.

"Fred and George Weasley' if you still want to come to the "HARRY POTTER SCHOOL OF AWSOMENESS THEN GET READY HEADMASTER MOONY WILL BE HERE SOON." The man smiled or we could just have Dobby pick your stuff up and take it over their if you want?"

The twins looked at each other shrugged and called "Dobby" he came he listened and he went Dobby was going to be happy dammit and he and Winky would have kids.

Dumbledore hearing this stopped, Snape was ready to explode a school in that brats name. Sadly I didn't give them a chance and lead my new students out the hall and outside where a smiling and well dressed werewolf was waiting for them.

FLASHBACK

Lupin and black had been in hiding when a strange house elf had shown up with a letter after reading it Lupin had decided to go to England and find out what was what Black was going to stay laying low until he was called. Lupin had met this stranger and the mad elf then gone shopping. He had not been happy at the money spent on him but a kick to his nuts shut him up fast. Then he had helped as fast he could (it seemed old dogs could learn new tricks). Now he was standing next to something that seriously scared the crap out of him when he had learned where it came from he had been a touch angry.

The school stopped frozen in it's tracks before them was a snake not a little snake no a bloody huge snake so big that with its chin even on the floor is was still higher than the man standing next to it.

Harry froze he knew that snake he had nightmares about it at times the basilisk from the chamber.

"Hope you like the new school transport when we heard how you had killed this snake but wasn't using it we thought an amazing school needs amazing transport. Here is your new headmaster, Headmaster Moony. Shall we and your new girlfriends go in Harry?"

Harry shook his head pinched himself and just nodded when the snake did not vanish. Moony slapped it twice and it's mouth opened a red carpet like tongue came out and they made their way inside. The snake mouth closed and the eyes opened a minute later showing potter in one eye and the strange man in the other. The snake reared up swung around and shot of leaving a smell of urine and crap behind as student and teachers needed to learn or maybe relearn potty training.

The twins looked at each other and bust out laughing until they had their heads knocked together.

Yer I was not a fan of the twins but what they hell I would give them a chance unlike Ron.

Ron was not happy he was also confused and standing in a pair of ruined undies .

Harry and the others followed me back to a room what had a sign outside it saying "meet and greet room" they had noticed each door in the long corridor had a name on it. If they had not been in wizard tents before walking down a stomach of a snake could have freaked them out a little. Little did they know their headmaster was freaked out and he had help make it.

Once we had entered the room I smiled and sat down pointing to several chairs, "well kids I own the Harry Potter school of awesomeness and this is your new headmaster Moony of Padfoot Moony and prongs with if we could a side beating of Wormtail. Now you may wonder what's going on so I will tell you. I owed Lilly Evens a debt (I didn't but screw it I wanted this about her not James). So when I heard about this triwizard crap from my sources I decided screw it I would help her lad Harry.

Harry looked at me and I could see he had questions so I held my hand up. "I didn't know her well she just helped me a stranger at the time and as I am a person of honour I said I would help her when I could this is the first time I could help."

Harry nodded and I carried on. "The old bastard Dumbles has screwed up and given you something he does not want you to have …..a chance for freedom from the Dursley's. Harry was really paying attention now. So Harry me and you are going Diagon Ally the others can explore until we get back. Moony can help show them around to the main spots the bedrooms and the library and of course the dinner hall. So come on kid first a disguise then shopping and other stuff". A certain Headmaster looked at Harry and just told him if he wanted kids go shopping it was not good telling me no. They all got the idea Lupin aka Moony had said "no" at some point.

As they went of exploring I called Dobby and asked him to bring my disguise box and he was back in seconds. I asked him to sit down so we could talk with Harry and he smiled as he did.

Harry was lost as was glad the bloke whoever he was wanted him in disguise if he was leaving Hogwart's grounds.

As I opened the case Dobby had brought me I smiled at the second most unlucky kid in comic and book history as it was close between him and Umazaki Naruto.

"A while ago I found out about you and this tournament I called Dobby here and asked if he would help me, help you. As you can see he said "yes". This Snake and all this stuff in it belong to you. We got the Snake and sold what we could we also stole from you, we managed to get your vault key and use some of your funds." I held my hand up as he began to speak. " remember this was brought with your cash and is yours as in a mobile huge home fully stocked with a pair of house helpers in Dobby and Winky. Even though it was wrong to take this snake and your money unlike others we have told you also we are doing this for your benefit unlike Dark lord Dumbledore.

Harry was not sure how he felt this person just told him that they had stolen from him yet with it they had got him a home.

"Now the thing is your an adult this tournament is adult only, they made you complete they said you are an adult that means you choose your life not them. Oh I had his attention now. I smiled.

"Once we get to Diagon we shall find your parents wills as I find it impossible your Mother not leaving one, If the Goblins give us any crap well they will regret it. Next we need get you new clothes for the magic and the mundane world. The word "Muggle" is banned. Next we need to get you two girlfriends and teach you nope first we teach you how to kiss and make a girl feel special then we get you two girlfriends." The poor lads eyes bulged at that.

"Harry your head of the Potter family and a few others you need two women and Luna and Hermione are perfect for you. Unlike the tosser Ron, Hermione has helped you but she has a broom up her arse. Luna hasn't helped you but she is kind' funny and carefree also broom handle free. She would give you joy as well as Hermione but she would also give you rest not sleep rest but stress rest. Both will fill your life with joy by themselves it could be good but it would mean you have go shopping with one of them unlike if they went shopping together and you got to stay at home, also when one has women problems what's better you sorting it out or another women?" Harry's head shot up I had him.

"Now I have in your name hired Dobby to work here he has a wage and days off Winky is bound to the school she needs to feel wanted and a wage will not do that for her. The important thing is her happiness Okay?"

Harry thought about it and then realised it was her choice not something he was ever given and just nodded.

I had taken out what I needed and placed a wig and some contacts in front of him I also place skin coloured plasters in front of him telling him to use them to cover the scar and eye colour he did not need to wear the wig but it would help. He decided to use all three and with help he could soon see and after checking in the mirror Dobby brought him he was happy. We got up and ater Harry made sure he had his wand and his vault key we left.

Diagon ally was not busy when we turned up on the knight bus and I was really thinking of hitting the driver...hard.

We made our first stop the bank and the Goblins decided to be wankers Boy was I glad they did.

"Okay you little turd we want an inheritance test and all keys he is owed brought to him as you have failed to give them to him or make sure he got them on his first visit. Then we are taking all he owns out this crap hole and putting it somewhere safe...after all did you catch that thief from several yeas back? Harry here doa's not trust your skills. You failed to send him bank statements you failed to protect the potter property you failed to give him his parents wills when he is an adult so yer he is not using this crapper any more the gnomes of sweden will be a better choice.

The Goblin looked pissed but screw him.

"The law and treaty say you have to do this test when asked and as any thief is punished if Goblins have helped people steal from Mr Potter they have to pay it back. "

Harry was getting ready to run he really hoped this bloke who still hadn't told him his name knew what he was doing.

I smiled "well shit stain get on with the bloody test"

The Goblin was beyond pissed and made a mistake he gave the test and used a bit more blood than was really needed but he also over powered the spell rune. Then he feinted.

I smiled as the Goblin looked at the list and blacked out. The spell had worked I knew it was a fan fic spell but it had worked I had seen in several stories Harry casting a spell and claiming all voldys goods including his deatheater slaves. Then I had Harry just say none of his slaves were allowed any vaults as they were miss behaving and all vaults were to go to him. In fancier terms though.

The Goblin came to the third time I kicked him "oy shitstain stop wasting out time we have things to do now hand over his keys." The Goblin blanched as it activated key recall and a dish of keys turned up including the potters main vault the Slytherin/Gryffindor/Hufflepuff and Ravenclaw vaults and the Peverall vaults all three of them. Among the keys were also several rings I made sure to put them into a silk Pouch and Gave him the head of house potter ring for now. "well shitstain got to go need empty these vaults and make new account with the gnomes or maybe the dwarfs they cant be worse than you tossers" with that we left and went to get a cart. Behind us the Goblin had again feinted as it realized its whole family line would die due to him screwing over the potter family.

It took us hours to empty all the vaults and leave the best bit was not only was Harry rich we also had the bloody cup as well. The Goblins didn't want us to leave and had a surprise party for us sadly I was not a happy nice person and when they threatened us I pulled out a mini chain gun that had been modded to hell and stolen by Lupin and me. The US base we took it from was safer with them not having it. By the time they was 3 ft from us swords raised the barrels had got to speed and let rip with a crap load of tracer rounds. Yer it was a bit messy but we walked out unharmed and maybe 150 dead Goblins behind us. Harry was ill but a quick anti upchuck potion and he was well again. At least we had money for shopping now.

Harry just kept looking at the very scary man okay he had saved him from the thieving Goblins and yes he was well rich now and yes Malfoy's were broke...so where the other deatheaters including Snape...Fuck yer Harry smiled. "Vengeance you tossers" he thought to himself.

I had scoped out a place where the hookers were not to cheap and rank but would do the job I wanted, I hired two after telling them what I wanted, they looked at harry and smiled it was easy money for them and also risk free health wise. Poor Harry had two very well endowed very experienced women teach him the facts of life with some hands and tongue on instructions' he was glad to say he would be able to make a girls toes curl when he frenched them and he could also give back rubs and that if they got front heavy and needed help with back pain...mind you he also found out things like hot spots on women some he thought were jokes until the women played with the same areas on him who knew the back of knees and that could make you feel so good. He smiled at when he would Kiss Hermione and Luna. WE got back early in the morning and Harry went to bed I had an idea he may have had an ice cold shower first though. I did think about getting him another women but was not sure we would have to see.

Lupin and the others had explored had something to eat found out there was no pumpkin juice they could have fruit juice cola or some other fizzy drink or tea/coffee after their first iron bru they didn't mind. Hermione was shocked at the books and library size and the fact it didn't have a no go area had comfy chairs with floating desks in front of them. She was not going to complain.

The twins with a large bump on each of their heads had cornered Moony to find out about their hero's and where not happy with Wormtail to say the least.

After they had left Lupin went to his room and went to sleep in a comfy bed glad it wasn't a full moon. As he might have paid Dumbledore a visit along with a few other people.