Part I
The smell of paint and cigarette smoke hung in the air like a cloud of mist. When he had first arrived there it had bothered him, made his lungs burn and his eyes water. Now it didn't faze him, it would not be right for it to be absent.
Watery light filtered in from the windows as the sun peeked through the torrential clouds that lingered over the area like a plague. An ashtray was positioned between him and her, the cool grey of the ashes and the random splatters of colors on the old wood stood in stark difference. Much like the two people.
Flicking her cigarette into the ashtray caused plumes of opaque smoke to waft up towards the ceiling, dispersing before hitting the cracked paint. The scent lingered, unable to be brushed off with a few swipes of a hand.
"Why did you come here?" the woman asked as she gave the small white cylinder one last pull before crushing it out amongst rows of its cousins. She exhaled towards the window where a small crack of an opening allowed it to siphon out as the sun filtered in.
Tapping his now purple nails he stretched out his legs from under him, a few pops emanated as the girl looked over at him finally.
"I asked you a question."
"I needed to find myself a reason," he said through his dark bangs. With the hand on his lap he fumbled with his headband. She had forbid him to wear it inside her home. Sometimes he obliged and sometimes he didn't. Today he obliged.
"To most life is a good enough reason," she replied and stared out the window before standing and opening it the entire way. Warm, humid air filled the room, sucking out the monotonous smoke smell and replacing it with heavy moisture.
"Most are fools," he replied and picked at a stain of rather opaque blue, "And life is simply a phase, you yourself said that."
"So I did," she responded and leaned towards the window. Glancing over her shoulder at him, small wisps of her ash blonde hair floated around her face and grey eyes. She smiled and ran a hand back through the long floating locks. "Your eyes are so deep."
He smirked and looked away, "That's what they tell me."
She paused, going still before twisting her chair and sitting on it backwards. The moment wouldn't have warranted much attention, but it the sudden stillness was a gift of hers few could replicate.
"There is a bottom to every well," she said with her chin on her arms, "The question is, does the great Itachi Uchiha's end in tragedy? One great last act of villainy? Or a harrowing sudden swoop of heroism?"
Itachi's face went slack and his tapping stopped, turning his dark eyes to look at her. A tension had arisen that had previous not existed. The humid air felt thicker to breathe. "Why are you bringing all of this up Koa? Back to taunting me?"
Koa cocked her head to the side and smiled, but the act never reached her dead grey eyes.
"Because it entertains me."
"My self loathing entertains you?"
"Yes."
"How cold hearted you are."
"How pathetic you are."
He did not respond but did stare at her for a few moments. She still grinned and something glowed in the pit of her eyes. Throbbing like the last ember of a fire, it reminded him of the spark that kept Deidara alive. The constant thumming of life with no purpose clinging to anything that could move. Like a cat with a broken mouse, as long as it still moved, there was still hope.
"How many people have told you, you were crazy?" she asked, her pale lips forming every word as if she were caressing them. Of all things, her voice was one of the things she had the most talent with.
"Enough," he responded as he scratched his scalp and tousled his bangs. Koa tilted her head to the side, her eyes never leaving him. She was the cat, and he the broken mouse.
"And do you believe them?"
"No."
"Then why do you consider me insane? If I can deny it same as you doesn't that make us equal?" she asked as she dumped her ashtray out the window, giving it a few extra raps against the windowsill to make sure all of it was gone.
"I never said you were insane," he retorted with a smirk, his black eyes holding mirth.
"Sure," she drawled as she nudged him with a bare foot under the small table. The tension had eased some, Koa was tricky like that, it was hard to predict her. Itachi studied the worn metal of his headband before placing it on the table in front of them. Koa looked at him then down at the object, then back at him, emotion flashed over her eyes for the briefest of seconds. It was a sign she was upset, the slight tightening at the corners of her eyes and the sharpness the edges of her lips.
Koa got up and walked over to her easel, cracked the seal of a can of white paint then proceeded to white out the scene of the forest she'd been working on. Many such paintings littered the small cottage. Half painted, or fully, the all bore the white marks of her instability.
"Help me," she said with her back turned to him. The edges of her tattoo, the spiraling trio, peeking out from the hem of her tank. Muscles bulged and relaxed, she was a cat looking to pounce. Even with her mousing days behind her, she was threatening.
Coming up behind her she ran the brush over and over the canvas until the previous image was gone. Only then did she drop the brush, letting it clatter to the paint flecked floor.
"Why can't you do that?" she asked, "Why can't you let go of things, toss them away, move on?" Her voice began to get hysterical as she addressed him, grey eyes searching black in a well-repeated frenzy.
He caught her face with his hands and kissed her forehead, pulling away slowly. She trembled beneath his gentle hands.
"Because I'm already dead."
His eyes held a sadness that her face could only mirror with hopelessness.
She pushed him with one hand, making him fall back a few steps. Eyes narrowed to sharp grey slits that would gouge out his if given the chance. Turning away she began rooting through the scattered chunks of charcoal in her tray. He watched her shoulders heave as she could barely contain her rage.
"I don't understand." The words were tense and sharp. She smeared the charcoal in with the still wet paint unaware of what she was drawing.
He sighed and pinched the skin between his eyes. "You never do."
She threw a brush at him, dry and without a slather of paint on it. Her speed was almost on par with his. He had to force his sharingan not to activate.
"You can't let go of those who have been dead years, but you can let go of me. Someone who has loved you despite all of your faults.
"Cared for you when you could have cared less.
Taught you when you thought you had learned it all."
Koa simply stared at the canvas as the words tumbled from her mouth.
"Whoever said I was letting go of you?" he asked as he took the bit of charcoal from her and put in the line she was about to make.
She looked up at him; her grey eyes empty save for that spark.
"You don't love me," she stated with such blunt honestly it made him wince. She turned back to the canvas and began rubbing in shading with her thumb and forefingers. "You've never told me her name but I know she used to exist and part of you still wants her to but she won't. And even though you've never vowed to not love again you still can't let her go."
"Koa…please don't…"
"I've timed it," she said peering up at him again, her lips moving slowly and meticulously, performing ever word precisely. Sharpening it to hurt. "You could have never had time to tell her that it was for Konoha, you had to do your duty and you killed her just like everyone else save for your parents. As quick as you could so their frightened expressions of disbelief and fear didn't sit in your mind long. It's been a while since I've gone on missions but don't you dare forget I am your equal, in one sense or another. I am kunoichi, I am not stupid."
His eyes pulled from hers. Teeth clenched together and tongue running the length of the inside of them. He was trying to conjure words that weren't there.
"I've known in for some time," she said as she blended, "That the affection for me, or whatever you call it, the thing that kept you coming back…was simply concern for me. You are afraid that my…condition will harm me or…"
"Or?"
"That I will tell your brother what you have told me." Her eyes fell to the ground, "he means so much to you."
Itachi said nothing as he examined the bristles of the brushes she had scattered over her worktable. Each bore remnants of paintings past like scars.
"You do not believe me when I say my word is kept," she continued, "because I have seen the nobility and humanity in you. Something you have worked so hard to vanquish in his eyes."
"And you think I am just unstable enough to tell him. To make you a hero."
Itachi smirked and sighed as he ran his hands over the wooden handles of her instruments. Testing the edge of a palette knife on the sole of his palm as he contemplated her words. She was on the same track she'd been on since he'd told her. And as always he attempted to change the subject. "Do you remember the day we met?"
Koa looked a bit surprise at the turn of the conversation but continued with it, testing the waters.
"Of course I do, it was a monsoon out and the cat drug in a half drown, half beaten boy, whom I had no idea of," she responded lightly as she pulled open drawers of paints. Rooting through the colors with one hand and additives with the other.
For the time being her had her mind somewhere else, somewhere safe. Safety was all he wanted when it came to Koa.
"Your house was the first I came too," he reminisced, "I planned on running you out, but when I saw you were a kunoichi…"
"You tried to leave, yes, I remember," she mused as she tested an orange against a rag.
Itachi nodded and he looked out the window, looking years into the past.
Koa, against the words of her grandmother, sat up against the sill of the window. Watching the rain pound against the glass and ground. Stray limbs from trees and uprooted bushes danced in the wind and her eyes followed all of them.
The tin roof above them provided the words for conversations. Constantly drumming, constantly beating…
Koa's head jerked up as she saw a blur amongst nature's carnage followed by a weak, tentative knocking at her door. She looked over to her grandmother's room, the door was shut and the old painter would have never heard it.
Her sandals squealed as she walked across the wooden floor, she had forgotten to change out of her wet outfit when she had returned home. Too caught up in the rain to notice the wetness of her own clothes.
Cautiously she unbolted the door, a kunai held ready behind her back in case of stray intentions.
The wind buffed against the door heartily, trying to work its way into the humble abode. A figure, cloaked and hunched stood in the doorway. Koa opened her mouth to ask who they were when in a flash a watazashi was at her throat and the owner, with flashing red eyes bore down on her.
Her grey eyes blazed and her shadow doppelganger disappeared. She leapt down from the ledge above the door and threw an elbow into the stranger. With one foot she slammed the door shut and with one hand she held their neck and head to the ground, the other was holding down the hand with the sword with her knee on his other arm.
"Who are you and what the hell do you want?" she growled at him as her grandmother came rushing out into the room after hearing the commotion.
"Koa what in the world…Oh my!" she backed up against the wall and grabbed the nearest skillet she could get her hands on. It had been years since she'd met another ninja save for her granddaughter. The pair lived in relative solitude far out in Amegakure where the touches of war were minimal.
"Say something!" shouted Koa as she lifted his head and slammed it into the floorboards forcefully. The stranger gave a grunt. Glancing up at her grandmother she motioned her over and the old woman kicked the sword away from his hand.
Pinning him with both knees Koa went as far as to discard all weapons from his being before cautiously getting off of him, but holding his own katana to his throat.
He coughed a few times, he was soaked to the core and his wheeze produced not only harsh sounds but also hints of blood.
"Your name?" commanded Koa as she tapped the side of his bowed head with the sword.
"Uchiha…" he mumbled, "Itachi..." His red eyes then met hers and the condition he was in showed through. Blood gushed from his nose where she had bashed him into the floor and there were numerous scrapes and bruises littering his body. His eyes were dead inside.
"You seem to have come far, a ninja of Konoha," said Koa stonily as Itachi fumbled to his feet. The two women stared at him skeptically. "What are you doing here?"
"Running away," he said weakly.
"It was all chance," she said as she mixed her paints. A smudge of charcoal on her cheek and paint slowly stained her fingers.
"Yes," Itachi responded as he leaned back against his chair. "I joined Akatsuki only weeks after."
"And I joined two months after when I never saw you again," she said as she began blocking in color with her largest brush. Itachi rolled his eyes over towards her.
"A stupid move on your part," he commented as he lounged. Her presence made him want to move, and laze, at least when she wasn't goading him with sharp questions. He wished he had the time to slip away and see her more often. It was hard to ditch Kisame and the group without it seeming suspicious. Sometimes Itachi simply wanted to exist and most of the time Koa was easy to do that with. For a moment in time he could forget the outside world, see with different eyes, and remember what touching someone gently was like.
Koa laughed and ran a hand back through her bangs, sweeping them back and teasing them with paint. "I'm alive aren't I?"
"Madara will still want you," he said, "Being anywhere near any of them is a threat."
Koa shrugged, "Whatever happens, happens. There isn't much worse you can do to me, remember? Orochimaru tried."
Itachi shot her a look and she stuck her tongue out at him. "You know what I mean," she supplied. Itachi rested his head against one of his hands rolled his eyes.
"It was the right place for where I needed to be, not for you," he whispered between his fingers.
"Konan was nice," she piped in, "At least to me."
Koa hadn't seen him in months, unsure of where fate had lead him and in the wallowing depths of her grandmothers death she threw away all alliances and began forging herself a new existence. One she wanted the Uchiha in.
Her cloak was different than the ring bearers'; where theirs had multiple clouds hers had one stitched upon her back. She was part of the outer ring, where the man she wanted to see was part of the center. She was a sheep trying to find a wolf.
"Itachi?" came her soft voice as she watched a group of ring-bearer's walk down a dank hallway. They had their hats and cloaks on, looking fiercely over their shoulders at her they continued on without word.
"You are looking for Itachi-kun yes?" came a voice from behind her. Turning she came face to face with someone in an orange mask. Her grey eyes stared flatly at him.
"Can you help me find him?" she asked him over the collar of her cloak.
"But of course," replied the man as he put a hand on her shoulder and led her after the group.
"You should have never joined," said Itachi as he rubbed his temples. Koa shot him a look.
"I'm free to make my own decisions thank you very much," she said as she blotted on some color to the stark canvas, "Besides, lots of interesting things went on there I would be upset to have missed."
Itachi snorted, some memories were less than flattering.
A breeze picked up, rustling papers and soothing the humidity. The two sat in silence; the only sound was of the bristles of her brushes touching paint to canvas.
"I remember when we…" began Koa as she peeked over her canvas at him. Itachi looked like a statue of a monarch the way he held his chin in his hand and contemplated the brush in his fingers.
"Lost all of our innocence," he finished as his eyes came to rest on her, "that memory comes back to me quite often."
Koa snorted and returned to paining, "Glad to have made a lasting impression."
Itachi rolled his eyes but stood up. Out of the corner of her eye she watched him. His sly movements making her heart palpitate.
"I'm not going to strike you so you can stop acting defensive," he said as he returned the brush to its place.
"Learn that one from Orochimaru?"
Itachi glowered at her. "You know how I detest that man," he muttered as he wandered over to her stove and retrieved a tarnished kettle full of lukewarm tea.
"Who is that," he asked in a halfhearted attempt at a change in conversation. He hated when she brought up the Senin and what he and done to her.
"No one," she replied as she worked hints of plum into the person's hair. Itachi knew better. It was he…or Obito. She had a hard time sometimes dissecting the two from one. He feared it was because of the experiments that had left her with such a fragile mind, Koa was, easily swayed, easily broken. Itachi had one hell of a time getting her to answer his simplest questions on her worse days.
For a long time he wondered why her logic deteriorated. For the most part he blamed Orochimaru for it, Koa was not a normal human being and the treatment she had endured… Not that he could vouch for much better treatment. He hardly knew what to do with himself, let alone an anomaly such as Koa. More than once he'd studied her as she slept beside him, the lack of a swirled hair pattern, let alone a chakra pattern had put her at the focus of the Senin for too long. Her chakra didn't move left or right, it simply was, causing her hair to wave and curl, almost unnaturally.
She stopped painting as he thought. She walked back and forth in front of him. Collecting her haggard, but sharp thoughts.
"What now?"
"Women's intuition," she said as she looked upwards.
"Oh?"
"Why did you come here? You never come on Wednesdays."
Itachi shrugged, "I have my reasons."
Koa looked at him for a long time, quietly.
"Stay here with me this time," she said softly. Itachi blinked at her surprised at her gentleness.
"You know I can't."
"Why?"
"You know why."
A silence grew between them, Koa's arms went limp and Itachi was certain a storm was brewing beneath it all.
"Why are we so different?" she whispered.
"What kind of question is that?"
"I'll answer it for you then," continued Koa as if he hadn't said a word. Her words picking up speed and volume as she went.
"We are different because of one thing: Responsibility," she stated, "I am free, languid, and ephemeral. You are stoic, calculating and pensive. The root of all of it is your reasonability to things you deem worthwhile."
Itachi's eyes narrowed, he didn't like where the conversation was headed…again. "Koa…"
She held up a finger to silence him, "no let me continue, this is the answer to all of my pain.
"You think you are responsible for your death, your brother, your clan and…damnably…your country."
Itachi sat up, "You're beginning to…"
"What?" snapped Koa as she turned on him, "Irritate you? Offend you? Good. Great! Because that's all I ever get from you. Honesty isn't your forte Itachi. It's just your damn responsibility to Konoha; you're a one trick pony.
You know if you weren't so tight assed about it things wouldn't be like this,
Your darling little brother would be safe inside his parent's arms and old poor Koa might never have join the 'evil' Akatsuki! But no, your stupid village meant more to you than even the girl you loved. And you know the worst part?" screamed Koa as she pointed into his face as tears ran down her face.
"What," he hissed through gritted teeth.
"You feel responsible for me…and it kills me inside," she whispered with such malice Itachi felt his shagarin attempt to kick in. He contained it all though. Koa never spoke anything but the truth.
"My life isn't worth all of this," she ranted, "One meek human life, no, not even a nation of people mean that much. So why the hell Itachi, what's so damn great about the Village of Fire?"
"Because they're my people."
Koa threw her hands up in frustration, forgetting the tears that had been racing down her cheeks. Her eyes burning holes in him.
"Your people would rather see your head on a pike, you liar," she hissed, "They don't want you."
"They need me."
"The only people who need you are dead," she replied and grabbed his collar with both of her fists, "And the only living ones…they think…no…they know you don't love them"
Itachi's brows knit together and his frown deepened. He grabbed her by her sides, pulling her to him. The heat of her body soaking into his.
"What do you know about who I love?"
"I can see right through you."
"No you can't," he hissed though his pearl white teeth and soft lips. Ones she could still remember the taste of.
"Yes I can," she snarled, grey eyes more fearsome than any eye jutsu.
His mouth collided with hers in a silencing kiss. The Uchiha's mouth was relentless, demanding and overall, revealing. He poured all of his tension, hate, anger, frustration, sadness, hunger, lust…everything into the way his lips captured hers and feasted on every bit of her mouth.
This was the way they had been since they day they had met. Koa was all of the emotion he couldn't afford to put anywhere else, and Itachi was all of the purpose she'd never have.
When they broke apart they were both gasping. Their grips on each other turned into feral ties that held them to one another.
"That doesn't prove anything," she whispered, "I'm not a weakling to physical need. You of all people should know."
"You are the only one who I've ever laid with," he said, "Does that mean nothing to you?"
"Yes," she responded, "It means nothing when your heart isn't mine. I was simply the tissue, the muscle, for the phantom locked inside your head."
Itachi's eyes pierced though her. He let go of her in a flick; Koa ran a hand back through her hair and rubbed a bit of saliva from the corner of her mouth. Itachi sat down in one of the chairs and sighed, his eyes squinted closed.
"Why do you think I'm still attached to her?" he asked as he poured himself tea from her old kettle.
Koa took up the seat across from him. Her grey eyes staring into him, filleting him like a fish.
"Because she's one of your people," she spat as she took the small cup from his hand, downing it like a shot.
He glared at her, his red eyes unyielding. "You really need taught a lesson in manners," he commented as he crossed his ankles and poured more tea.
"That's what grams always said. You were such a respectable guy. So well tempered. She though you could calm me down, make me understand," said Koa as she stared down into the empty cup. Her eyes darted back up to his.
"What's wrong with me?" Koa asked as she stared at her dried bloody hands. Her body shook and tears fell out of her eyes.
"You went into shock," replied Orochimaru as he tapped the side of a hypodermic needle. Itachi stood behind Koa as she shook in her chair. Konan dabbed at the gashes all over her body, her teeth chattered and sweat poured from her pores.
"No…" muttered Koa as Itachi held her down as he sunk the needle into the taunt skin of her neck. In a matter of seconds Koa slumped forward like a fragile, broken doll.
"I…couldn't…see…w-who…" garbled Koa as she watched Itachi's form slide from view as the darkness and chill overwhelmed her.
She woke up in the next day in the arms of a man with yellow eyes. She tried to work the name Itachi to her lips, but …she panicked.
"But she was wrong about that one. Way off, you never calmed me down at all," she said pouring herself more tea. She sat ridged slowly her adrenaline was dissipating. "I don't blame you really."
"You don't?" he asked with a peaked eyebrow, "Even after everything I dragged you through, you don't blame me?"
She shook her head and made a face at the tea.
"No," she replied as she tried to push the taste from her mouth, "I chose this path. It wasn't your fault I chose to walk with you. For once Itachi let it be someone's fault other than your own."
Itachi stared at her, letting her compassionate words wash over him. She caught the look and stared at him.
"I do have a heart you know, I do care," she said dryly. The color in her cheeks betraying her embarrassment at the statement.
A breeze filtered through the window, the sunlight turned into a soft golden glow.
"I'll stay the night," Itachi whispered.
"You sure you're up to this," she taunted softly as he jerked at the white belt around her waist. Itachi snorted and rolled his eyes.
"Are you sure you are?" he whispered as he felt the soft warmth of her stomach against his knuckles.
"Of course," she responded with a smile as she pushed her body to his. Itachi gave out a strangled noise and tore the belt from its loops. With one hand Koa cleared off the desk he'd just been writing on, ignoring the spilling of inkbottles and the crunch of papers she leaned up against it. Content to watch him attempt to remove her pants.
"Having a hard time?" she asked as she tangled her fingers in his hair. His eyes glowing red glanced at hers then back down to the cursed belt, "I don't want to be patient." He finally freed her hips, exposing a few of the tattoos she'd gotten over the years. His lips collided with hers fiercely as she pulled the tie from his hair and threw his headband to the ground.
His pants were already undone as he guided them to the bed. The lights were out; the need to see was irrelevant. Itachi kissed is way down her neck, down her chest, down as far as he could go as her soft words egged him on just as much as the feel of her body did.
Deidara knocked on the door once the noise got a little too out of hand.
"I swear to any living God Deidara if you open that damn door I will kill you," snarled Itachi as he pushed himself as deep as he could go into Koa. Her laugh turned into a moan as she pulled his lips to hers. Regardless if Deidara heeded the threat he didn't open the door.
Itachi pulled her up against him later on, savoring the softness of her bare body against his. Their hair was tousled and clothing tossed about the room, both smelling like sweat. Koa tucked her head underneath his chin, kissing him tenderly. "Itachi?" she whispered.
"Yes?" he replied thickly. He grabbed a handful of her and pressed himself against the inside of her legs. Koa's eyes fluttered and she bit her lip.
"Itachi…I trust you."
"You shouldn't."
"Too bad."
Itachi kissed the tattoo on the back of her neck with carefulness as his hands ran down her bare sides with care. A friction and warmth between them neither ever expected to form. Koa let out a deep breath and eased into slumber.
Itachi leaned over her and watched the blood run down his cheek to drop onto her shoulder, the droplet rolling down over her tattoo. His vision blurred and he closed his eyes in pain.
Shuddering he emerged from the bed, a hand covering his eyes. He recovered his clothes with some difficultly and washed his face in the small bathroom. He stared in the reflection of the mirror. Seeing her peacefully sleeping in the reflection made him bow his head in shame.
She was right about the fact that he was too attached to his past. It held him like a vice, slowly deteriorating him. Tearing him to shreds.
"I am weak," he said to his reflection, "Weak."
He walked out into the room where her easel was propped up, her painting half finished. He stared at it now, and everything dawned on him.
With a small brush he dabbed some red onto the canvas. Giving Sasuke the red eyes his lineage gifted him with. Ice began wrapping up and around Itachi's heart at the sight of it.
He pulled his cloak on over his shoulders, and picked up his headband from the table, staring at it thoughtfully. He was leaving her with nothing, like every other time. Only this time she didn't have the faith in knowing he'd return. He was going to die and she would be left alone.
Alone in her madness, alone in her art, alone without him.
No.
He took the largest brush he could find and whited out everything on the canvas other than the eyes. Only they showed out through the whiteness. Then with red he wrote.
This is who I am. I am Uchiha; I can never be anything but that.
But trust me when I say this.
I loved you.
Because I loved my past and you are part of it.
Tying the headband to his forehead he strode out into the haze of twilight. His black eyes sharpening into the piercing red ones of his ancestry.
To be continued…