And After All This
Gabrielle feels certain things slamming home, finding a resting place just below her heart and just above her gut. Sometimes, she sees how much has changed.
And how much has not.
There have been times when she wanted to give up.
It would have been so easy to just stop it all and allow the tide take her away.
Xena has the guilt and the desperation.
Gabrielle gets the longing and the letdown.
Neither one is good, but Gabrielle wonders if her own torment is much more devilish.
A warrior must stand firm, even when the odds are against them. Gabrielle could never get the hang of that.
A bard must be sure, even when no one is listening. But Gabrielle was always too aware of rejection for that.
A person must go on living, even when life is hard.
And Gabrielle is too stubborn to recognize the difference between living and getting by, of living in awe of someone and struggling in their shadow, of loving someone so much and loving them too much.
Xena is asleep and Gabrielle is awake, waiting for the dawn.
Her jaw is still bruised from the strength of Varia's punches.
And, inside, past the ribs and the muscle, lies a deeper wound. One that has been healed and ripped off too many times. One that carries the name of Gabrielle's savior and damnation.
She might have called it 'greater good' or 'Hope' or 'purity', so many years ago.
But it has always been Xena.
The look in those hooded blue eyes, turning around and walking away on some muddy port... Always leaving me behind, setting me free when all I want is to be with you.
The dancing light of a sky-like gaze when turned upon an old lover... Ignoring my touch for another, cutting me off and breaking my heart.
The dark cobalt and steel reflecting assumed betrayals... and real ones... How long will you believe in others and not me? How long will I go on pushing my way into your soul?
The cut burns on Gabrielle's lip.
And Xena's apology rings in her ears.
I'll forgive her, even when I want to scream and shout at her. I'll set aside these thoughts, even if all I want to do is speak them. I'll curl around her and hold her, even if I want to stay away.
Xena reaches out and, after all this, Gabrielle goes to her.