Disclaimer: I only own the plot. I got many of these jokes from a website called onelinefun/insults so I admit to not owning quite a few.
A/N: Bonjour! So this is just little funny fic I thought of writing last night, it has absolutely no romance between Hermione and Draco just pure humour. The end may be a little disturbing for you and if you have or are suffering with Anorexia I hope that it is not painful to read. If you think you may be disturbed please don't read on, I don't want you to. Rated T for swear words and mention of illness. Read and Review!
Insults
"I'm really sorry, Malfoy, but I wasn't born with enough middle fingers to let you know how I feel about you."
The voice was loud and clear, ringing out clearly from the Entrance Hall to the Great Hall, where Breakfast was being served. Students and teachers immediately recognised the speaker as Hermione Granger, Head Girl, talking to the Head Boy, Draco Malfoy. Jaws dropped and all chatter ceased within a matter of seconds. Ginny bit her lip and turned to Harry with wide eyes, trying to hide her excited smile.
"I heard you asking yourself something earlier, Granger, so just to answer your question; no, those pants don't make you look fatter. I mean, how could they?"
After this comment everybody, including Crabbe and Goyle, dropped their food and listened intently for the comeback. The twinkle in Dumbledore's eyes were brighter than they had been in a long time.
"Look, Malfoy, just because you have one it doesn't mean you have to act like one."
Older students all drew in a sharp intake of breath as they immediately got the joke, and the younger students looked at each other curiously for a few seconds until they all seemed to get it at once and many smiled in disbelief. McGonagall pushed her knuckles up to her mouth to stop herself from laughing, but everybody spotted the unmistakeable shake in her shoulders.
"Please, the only way you'll ever get laid is if you crawl up a chicken's ass and wait."
McGonagall was afraid Hermione would pull out her wand after that comment. Many students shared a horrified yet amused look of appreciation.
"God, Malfoy, I just love what you've done with your hair today. How did you get it to stick out of your nostrils like that?"
"Were you born on the motorway, Granger? Most mistakes happen there,"
"If you really want to know about mistakes you should ask your parents!"
Eyes widened to the size of saucers. It was fine insulting each other, but when you bring parents into the mix everybody knew it meant war. The bell rang. Nobody moved a muscle.
"Hey, Granger, if laughter truly is the best medicine, then your face must be curing the world!"
"Malfoy, what language are you speaking? Cause it sounds like bullshit to me."
Somebody choked on a laugh, but the pair didn't notice as they continued to insult each other.
"Save your breath. You might need it to blow up your date later,"
Students and Professors could practically hear the blush on Hermione's cheeks.
"Come on, Malfoy, if you're going to be two-faced you could at least make one of them pretty."
"I'm blonde. What's your excuse?"
"Oooh…" Seamus whispered with a grin.
"How many times do I have to flush for you to go away?"
McGonagall's eyes danced with mirth and Snape looked pleased (a very rare sight).
"Oh, sorry, what? I was just trying to imagine you with a personality."
"Keep talking, Malfoy, someday you'll say something intelligent!"
"Shouldn't you be off eating marbles with all the other hungry hungry hippos, I mean, you already look the part…"
Of course, this statement was untrue. Hermione looked almost unhealthily slim.
Harry and Ron shared a look. They both knew that insults about hunger never went down well with her from experience.
"Is your family tree a cactus, Malfoy, because you sure are pricks."
Although she tried to hide it, everybody heard her voice break.
"When was the last time you could see your whole body in the mirror, Granger?"
"Did you- did you know they used to be called 'jumpolines' until your mother jumped on one?"
"You're so fat even your shadow casts a shadow!"
"Enough with the fat jokes, Malfoy." Hermione said quietly.
Eyebrows were raised as everybody strained their ears to hear what was going on. Hermione hardly ever backed down to a challenge.
"Or what, Granger? Are you going to cut yourself…another piece of cake? Will you fall back onto your fat arse and weep?"
"You just can't stop, can you?" Her eyes flashed with hurt and her voice portrayed many different emotions. "I'm ill, Malfoy. Now, just drop it."
"Ill on cake, I'm guessing?" Draco teased merrily.
McGonagall face-palmed and shook her head. He had gone one step too far. Dumbledore grimaced. All other students looked around curiously from their head teachers to the door.
"No. Ill on anorexia," Hermione said quietly, not meeting his eyes as she felt the tears well up at a surprisingly fast speed in her own.
"He's blown it." Harry sighed.
The great hall was in a state of shock. They looked around with 'did you know about this?' looks whilst still trying to process the information.
"Really?"
Everybody assumed Hermione had nodded and drawn a shaky breath.
"Shit!" Draco swore in disbelief. "Since when?"
"Beginning of last year." She whispered faintly, scratching at a long line of red scratched in her arm.
"Have you been cutting yourself, Granger?" Draco asked, looking at her arm.
A chorus of gasps was heard from the Great Hall and Hermione and Draco were finally aware that they had an audience.
"No," Hermione lied, her voice cracking completely as she finally lost it.
"You have!"
"Haven't!" Hermione said, pulling her sleeve over her wrist and trying to stop the tears streaming down her face.
Draco grabbed her wrist and yanked her sleeve up, making Hermione wince. Along her forearm were deep cuts, lines and gashes of red. Draco took her right arm and lifted it up. There was nothing there except a bloody elastic band and many marks on her wrist. Hermione was sobbing now.
"Why?"
A/N: I'm gonna leave it there, guys. I highly doubt there will be a sequel/epilogue but you never know. I had the idea of a kind of one liner insult-off but it just progressed into this. I'm sorry if the last bit brought up any bad memories and I'd just like to say that when writing this I didn't want to offend anybody. I hope you enjoyed it! I went from laughing to crying whilst writing it xD Read and review and tell me what you think?
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