Alive.

Chapter 1

Commander Spock was walking through he darkened corridor of the language wing when he heard a sound was coming from a room a little way ahead; its door stood slightly ajar. Spock's first impulse was to ignore the sound. He was not well equipped to deal with emotional displays and the sounds indicated there was a 87% probability that in that room there was a female attempting to control a bout of crying. Crying females were outside Spock's area of competence, but whoever was in the room was distressed and there may be something that he can do to assist. He squared his shoulders and approached the door.

Through the opening he could see a figure, in a red cadet's uniform, sitting with her elbows on her knees and head in her hands. Spock pushed the door open wider and paused in surprise. It was Cadet Uhura, Nyota whispered his mind, and he clamped down on the thought.

He stepped into the room and crossed to her. As he stood in front of the Cadet he remembered some advise from his mother when he had discussed the trouble he had talking to his students, "Don't stand and tower stiffly over them Spock, sit down, relax and speak softly they will feel more comfortable." So he perched on the edge of a desk in front of her and consciously softened his posture slightly.

"Cadet, you appear distressed. Can I assist you?" he asked keeping his voice soft.

Cadet Uhura raised he head and looked at him. He was correct, she had been crying. Her beautiful vibrant eyes were red rimmed and slightly swollen, her jaw trembled slightly. He felt the familiar surge of longing as he looked at her. She took another deep breath before speaking and when she did her voice wobbled.

"Thank you sir, I am alright."

With any one else Spock might have taken this as a dismissal and left. But this was Cadet Uhura, she had attracted his notice from first year. She was smart, beautiful and professional. Somehow when she was around he felt more alive, it was illogical but it was true. He found her …fascinating, he wanted to assist her and so he stayed.

"The facts indicated otherwise Cadet. You are distressed."

Looking down at her hands she nodded. He let the silence lengthen.

Eventually she said, "I was communications officer on the Kobayashi Maru simulation today."

Spock almost frowned. The Kobayashi Maru was a devious, almost brutal simulation. It was an exercise in team work and command in the face of hopelessness. The test was constructed so that every time the command crew being tested started to succeed something thwarted them; sometimes it was a small thing, a signal that was unclear and could be misinterpreted or large like a cloaked Klingon warships. Each challenge could be surmounted with ingenuity and fast action, every officer at every station was challenged and one weak link broke the chain. Repeatedly as success seemed possible it was snatched away again and again. The success of the command crew was measured by how long the crew kept the simulation running and how well they worked in the face of the accumulated stress and growing despair. Detailed statistics were gathered on every crew member. And they could never succeed. No-one beat the Kobayashi Maru. Spock had written it that way. The simulation weeded out the cadets not suited for the high pressure of being in the command crew. There were often drop outs after a round of simulations. Spock had always thought this was positive, that weeding out cadets that could not perform admirably under extreme pressure was logically and saved lives. He had never had to look into the tear filled eyes of one of the cadets.

Spock knew that the crew tested today had performed exceptionally, they had achieved one of the longest simulation durations on record but he had not known Cadet Uhura was part of the command crew.

Finally she spoke in a low voice, "The Kobayashi Maru was horrible, torture, no matter what we did or how hard we struggled we could not win, over and over we were knocked back , every time we succeeded we failed" her shoulders slumped, "I suppose that is what it is supposed to do." She looked up her face defiant, "We were good, we didn't fail because we did anything wrong.." she was shaking her head.

Spock should have been pleased this was exactly what the simulation was supposed to do, but he was not. He would never knowingly cause her pain and because of his simulation she was sitting alone and crying.

"The thing was," said Uhura, leaning forward slightly, "It was so real, it gets you in and you are really there. You forget it is a simulation." Once again Spock had succeeded in his aim, to totally engage the participant but he felt no satisfaction.

"And in the end, as the hopelessness grew, I knew I was going to die." She looked up at him and he could see the tears well up in her eyes and spill, before she lowered her head quickly wiping her face. "I felt it. I mean I know this is a dangerous profession and people die, I know it here, "she tapped her head, "but today I felt it here, "she tapped her chest.

Spock remained silent.

"I felt it," she said and wrapped her arm around herself, "in my bones, on my skin; immanent death." She was rocking slightly. He remained silent unsure of what to do, he knew he was not helping, he was causing more distress.

Uhura took a deep breath, "In that moment I could see my mama crying out when she heard I was dead, and I could see papa frozen with grief, I saw my sister hiding under her duvet keening, I saw my brother punch his fist though a wall the leaning against it sobbing and Nana in her rocking-chair her face wet with silent tears. And I felt their pain and knew they would feel it for a long long time even though I was gone, just dust floating among the stars. They would not even have a body to bury. And that scene would be repeated 100 times all over in a 100 homes," she looked into his eyes, "because we failed."

Spock was speechless. He had misunderstood the range of human reaction to his simulation had he committed a grave error in judgement.

Uhura whispered, "And there was something else." She paused and appearing to make a decision spoke in a firmer voice, "I thought of all the things I had never done and would never do, and one thing stood out. One thing I wanted to do before I died," she looked up at him then and stood up. She was still breathing deeply and shakily looking down at him where he sat. He cocked his head slightly in silent enquiry.

Cadet Uhura stepped forward. Spock was surprised into silence. How often had he wanted her to be this close or closer? She leaned forward and touched her lips to his, gently at first then harder. She moved her hands to cup his head and tilt it sightly to the right. She kissed harder and ran her tongue along his lips causing them to open then she ran that tongue over to inside of his lips all the time moving her head gently seeking. Her tongue touched his and the action caused him to jerk back in surprise.

When the thrilling and shocking contact of her tongue on his broke he spell Spock realised he had been sitting being kissed by a cadet for fully 34 seconds and he had been totally lost in the complex experience of feeling her lips against his. He had not thought, he had only felt and wanted. Now Uhura stood before him with her head down. He could not guess what she was thinking. He could scarcely tell what he was thinking. Spock stood suddenly and walked to the door.

TBC…