It was a quiet Thursday night at around eleven or twelve o'clock in London, England. At the Hellsing Organization's headquarters, Sir Integra was going through the day's minimal amount of paperwork. She had her new butler, Baron vanGouge, to thank for being able to decrease the amount of signatures and files needed to get authorization processed for different projects. The butler was currently in the kitchen preparing her top vampire executioners' brunch since they had to miss their breakfast for a brief meeting. Now, it is important to know that Integra hates meetings, but, this time and on the strangest occasion, Alucard, her top vampire hunter, filed a request for some new living room furniture. The claim was, and she felt the urge to quote...
"Master, it has been some time since I've spoken to you on casual terms, hasn't it?" the master vampire started. Before this, he phased through the walls to enter her office. Of course, by her having "Alucard" withdrawal for thirty years, she was caught off-guard more frequently than before when he would do this. None of this information answered his question or hers.
"Before or after the thirty years you've been gone?" she retorted, frowning.
"You're still mad about that?" Alucard questioned, raising an eyebrow. You would think she'd forget all about it.
"What d'ye want, servant?" Integra shouted, blushing from the realization that she held a grudge for a second there.
"I have a request my master."
Speaking of requests, the new Round Table members requested some footage as proof that Hellsing Organization was a trusted company that could handle vampires and their attacks. Integra thought about this for a moment then made a decision on what to do within that instant. She said, "And I have a...favor to ask of you, Alucard."
"Then enlighten me, master. What favor?"
"Well," Integra started, sighing, "due to the Round Table having replaced members, we have to convince these people to continue letting our organization hunt vampires until I retire."
"Or die," Alucard finished, grinning wickedly at the notion. Integra gave him a look that made him flinch a bit, seeing hurt emanate from her eyes and slouching back. He then said, "What? I'm just sayin'!"
"Yes, well, just for that, I'm not gonna listen to your stupid request," Integra argued.
Alucard went deathly silent for a moment then put up his hands resignedly and said, "My apologies, master."
"Yeah, yeah, we both know you don't mean it. What do you want? I still have work to do."
"You just wanna see my butler bend over backwards for you 'cause he's sexy. Admit it!" Alucard teased, widening his eyes and grin.
"Hey, know what? I'm flipping you off!" Integra spat, pointing her middle finger in the air.
"Oh, it's like that then?" Alucard questioned, narrowing his eyes at the vulgar gesture.
"You're the one who keeps provoking me!" Integra yelled back.
"You're the bitch with the grudge."
"Asshole!"
"Lady dick!"
"Fuck you!" Integra shouted more obnoxiously than before.
"Fuck you!"
Silence passed between them as they stared at each other, wondering who would fall first in the glaring battle, but no one actually won this round. In fact, all they saw was a lot of paperwork and junk on the desk. Now, the battle they had to fight was who could get rid of the most stuff on Integra's desk.
About an hour passed since Seras ate her brunch with Baron in the tea garden. She finally got a chance to simply talk with the man and got to know him a bit better. He was (above all else) a family man and loved barbeques with his kids. They drunk a few beers together, talked about life and how it treated them, and even planned out fun activities to do together. Maybe one day she could join them.
"Hey, Seras, are you okay?" the man asked, raising an eyebrow.
"Huh?" she chirped, blushing when she realized she hadn't paid attention to those last details in the conversation they were holding. "Oh, I'm fine!"
"You were spacing off again," Baron said, chuckling. He checked his watch then rose to his feet, saying, "Well, we'd better go check on Sir Integra. She'll have herself a cow if I don't finish the research for the new mission. Plus, she has more files to sign."
"I'll come with you, Baron. At least you'll have some company," Seras said, following Baron out.
Alucard was seated on his throne in the basement with his legs crossed a wide grin on his face as he watched Baron set up a camcorder. Earlier, the butler had caught him making out with Integra on the desk, but he seemed to be less upset about it than Seras. Perhaps he didn't care. Why would he? Baron cracked his knuckles, feeling the tripod was set up high enough, and then went to adjust the lighting in the vampire's dark abode. Alucard, of course, just watched. Humans could busy themselves with the smallest of things! When Baron finally turned to face him, he reduced his Cheshire cat grin to a simple smirk as the butler rested a tired hand on his shoulder.
"Alright, Mister Alucard, the recorder's time limit's been set so all you have to do is start talking. Once it recognizes your voice, it'll start."
Alucard nodded and watched as the man left. When Baron was out of earshot, Alucard whispered to himself, "Why are his pants so tight today?"
"Camcorder activated. Hello, Mr. Alucard," a mechanical voice sounded.
"Hello?" Alucard greeted in return, finding the exchange a tad impersonal. He much preferred someone actually being there. He ignored this thought then proceeded to say to the audience and readers, "Welcome to the Hellsing Organization. My master, Sir Integra, has ordered me, the great and powerful, bloodthirsty beast from the ravenous underworld who even Satan recognizes as a monster, to document my life and perhaps use this ungodly, English technology as a means of entertainment. This recorder, or whatever the hell you call this device, is my own private stalker and perhaps - dare I utter the damned words - my only closest friend. Of course, I have living snac - friends! Yes, I do have friends here in the organization. Our new butler since the passing of my old friend, Walter C. Dornez, has become a new favorite of mine. He's so full of life, that man! Baron vanGouge! Quite possibly the most interesting man I've met so far - always has a quip ready. Maybe next time I'll add him to another recording to show my viewers."
"Master," Seras called from a distance. "Baron will be coming soon with the blood packs and a mission."
"Ah, dinner time! That wonderful voice that you just heard was the police girl's. Seras Victoria. I found her on a mission in Cheddar Village. But you know, the funny thing about Cheddar Village is they're not famous for their cheese or luxurious lifestyle. I always thought towns, cities, or whatever were named after something or someone that was important at the time. How was cheese (cheddar, I might add) so important? Did they just run out of ham and mayonaise one day and go 'Sweet Sabbath, if I don't start eating something else soon, I'm literally gonna shit bricks from all this bread.' I wonder if some random newspaper boy went, 'Extra! Extra! A middle-aged farmer discovered grilled cheese sandwiches!' Bastard made a fortune outta that shit. Kids eat that up like a man eats out a - "
"Mister Alucard, your dinner and tea," Baron interrupted, balancing two trays in either hand.
"Tea? When the fuck did vampires start drinking tea? If this is master's way of getting me to - "
"No, no, sir. It's blood tea," the butler said, placing the trays down on the small coffee table next to Alucard's throne. He was having a hard time setting things down on such a small space, which is why Alucard wrote a file for more furniture to Sir Integra in the first place. Everyone else had better furniture. Why couldn't he at least have a dinner table or something? Baron continued, "My daughter learned this new recipe, so I thought you would like to try some."
"The redhead or the one I haven't met yet?" Alucard asked, knowing Baron hated getting his children involved in their conversations unless he's talking about fond memories.
"Yeah, that one," Baron responded, ignoring the topic almost completely.
"Oh," Alucard responded. Now, it's particularly unusual for Alucard to be attracted to other men when he was such a seductive tomcat himself, but Baron's pants were disturbingly tight on him today. The camcorder in front of him adjusted to Baron's shadows and alerted the master vampire to something. The camera was focusing on Baron's behind. The vampire then pushed Baron's hip gently and said, "Get your ass out of the stalker's eye, darling. You'll start another baby boom. This isn't a gay porn, you know."
"You're stalking me now?" Baron asked, chuckling a bit.
"You usually come to me. I say you're the stalker."
"Dude, I only come down here to feed you so I can make this money and bounce."
Alucard blinked at the butler for a moment then said, "That was gangster. You're not a gangster. When did you start talking gangster?"
"I don't!" Baron argued, rolling his eyes. "God, just shut up and eat. I'm trying to get away from your crazy ass!"
"What, you don't like my ass? Am I not good enough for you?"
"I'm just gonna ignore the gay-ness that just transpired in those few seconds entirely," Baron said, turning to the door. "If you don't mind, I'll be leaving."
"What, I thought we had something special."
"Just eat your dinner so I can go!" Baron snapped, turning to Alucard with an annoyed expression on his face. "I have paperwork to finish. Try the tea."
"So this blood tea... Is there blood in it or is it blood that tastes like tea?"
"No, I took a cleaning lady out to the backyard and shot her in cold blood. Her autopsy showed she drunk tea beforehand."
"As sexy as that phrasing sounded, I'm gonna have to say no to the tea. And when I mean no, I mean fuck no. I'm not taking the wrap for you just so master can bitch at me."
"If I spanked your ass hard enough, would you cover for me?" Baron asked, raising an eyebrow.
"How hard are we talkin'?"
"Oh my god, you're hard down there! Ugh, control yourself! You're a man, aren't you?"
"Not counting those fifty years ago when I turned into a woman and got really horny for our old butler, Walter, yes, I have been a man for about 500 years. I've been a horny bastard for twice as long."
"Well, do something to soften it up," Baron fussed, gagging. "I'm gonna go sign papers."
"Bye, honey."
"Fuck you!"
"In time, sweetie, in time. I have to order a box of condoms," Alucard commented, hearing the door slam behind the butler. "I should get a tent, too. Show those gay cowboys what real sex in the ass is about."
"Master, I'm going out on a mission. Will you be okay by yourself?" Seras asked.
"Is Sir Integra and Baron leaving with you?"
"Baron's staying here this time to get more research done."
"I'll be fine, police girl," Alucard yelled back, turning to the camera. "This is just our little secret. I actually just make myself hard on purpose to see Baron's reaction. This tea isn't half bad, though. Now, how it's actually done is for another day. We were talking about how I met the police girl. It was a pleasant, summer evening in Cheddar Village. Sir Integra had just given me my orders and, in the midst of the bloodshed, the young, dumb, full of cum police girl was trying her best to survive. She did well for herself 'til I blew a hole straight through the right titty. Boom, boom, biatch!"
"Alucard, Sir Integra wants you to join Seras on her mission," Baron called, not bothering to go in the basement a third time to see the vampire. "An agent's informed us that the RS3 are heading in the same direction."
"An RS what?"
"RS3."
"I believe you mean the PS3. Why do I care about a video game console?"
"Goddammit, Alucard! It's a codename for the Red Scare III."
"Oh, I have to go! My wifey's on a mission. Alucard out."
And that's how Alucard and Seras ended up in Toledo, Spain...