Dungeons and Stop It

by tmcanerin

Dungeons and Stop It, the adventureso f the worst DM and three players, none of whom know the rules or how character sheets work. THe thrilling adventure of a lifetime packed into one game Note: The writer of this story has not played D&D since age 5. As I learn more about the game, edits will be made to chapters as I catch things that make absolutely no sense. Thanks for reading!

1. Chapter 1

Alright guys, welcome to the table. Dave, BJ, this is our new guy Ian. What? Oh, you've played before? Great, this'll be easy. You all have character sheets? Great. Wait. Ian, this character has no back story... or name. Just, okay, fine, I'll name him, be cool. So we have Igvar the Dwarf, Ellen the Elf and Jack the... What? That's not a race in D&D. I don't care if it's a race in a book you read. No. Fine, you're a tiefling. Tieflings are people who have demon blood. No, you can't have a Gnome-dwarf-tiefling. I mean, you can, but let's keep it simple. No, you can't shoot fire from your tail. Alright, Dave, help him sort this out.

Alright, we have Igvar the Dwarf, Ellen the Elf, and Jack the Stripper tiefling. Great. Alright, You guys have 500 gold, you can save or spend it now. Igvar enters the store. Alright, Igvar spends all of his money on 50 mead. Igvar is carrying too much. Igvar sells half the mead for a quarter of the price. Igvar has 62 gold and fifty silver. No, you can't buy more mead back or you won't be able to move. No, you don't have enough for anything else but more mead or potions. Fine, you spend the rest of your money on a wooden sword and a feathered cap. Ellen enters the store. Ellen buys a Mystic Bow and 300 arrows. Ellen has 100 gold left. Ellen leaves the store. Ian enters the store. Ian attempts to buy molotov cocktails, but then realizes that this is D&D and he can't do that. Fine, you can buy a scroll of Fireball. No, you will not burn yourself if you open it. Ian has 50 gold left. Ian opens the scroll. The store explodes because I'm sick of dealing with Ian, and because he just opened a scroll of 'Fireball.' The story begins.

You're standing in front of a barracks. BJ, you can't go to the Inn. You don't even know if there is an inn! Okay, fine, go ahead. The inn is locked. You can't set it on fire. You can't bust down the door. Fine, you can bust down the door if you roll a 20. Son of a-. Fine, you break down the door of the inn. Ian, you still can't set it on fire. Would you guys just head back to the barracks? Thank you, Dave. Alright, so you guys are in front of the barracks. Jack the - ugh - stripper attacks the barracks. As the barracks is an inanimate object, Jack the stripper's effect does Jack-the-stop-it, and also he takes 3 damage. Yeah, well, that's what you get for attacking a building with your bare hands. Just get inside.

You are inside a barracks. A man dressed in silver armor and ornate golden inlays faces you, a mighty mustache upon an old and un-helmeted face. He stands with a regal air. Soldiers look at you warily, and seem ready to jump at the opportunity to protect this man. Jack the Stripper attacks the man. Ian rolls 7. Guard rushes to defend the man. Guard rolls 14. Jack the Stripper takes 32 damage. Jack the Stripper is knocked out. Yeah, well that's what you get for trying to attack the first person you meet. You would've survived if you hadn't punched a building. Ellen apologizes profusely to the guard. The persuasion is successful. Good job on the high diplomacy. Alright, Jack the Stripper is kicked out while Igvar and Ellen do the talking. No, you can't spontaneously revive. That's not how the game works. You know what, fine, Jack the Stripper gets up. Jack the Stripper leaves and goes back to the inn to get drunk. Jack the Stripper is ignored until we get back to the story. Igvar engages in conversation with the silver-armored man.

Silver Armored Man: I am Lord Benel.