Echoes
by Viola Ophichus
Disclaimers: I do not own Wolf's Rain.
"I wanted to take you to Paradise..."
-Tsume, Wolf's Rain
Paradise is a beautiful place. It's Heaven, and where all wolves want to go. Once you start the journey, you can never look back. You have to keep on going, until you reach the gates. If you stop, then your story closes in an instant. You can't turn back. That's the journey of Paradise, and the beginning of it.
I never wanted to go to Paradise in the first place. I lived contently, stealing from the trains. The humans worked for me, and I liked that superiority. I used them, and they followed me. If they died, it was their loss, and not mine. I helped them if they were wounded or in trouble, and they kept on thanking me like it was some great deed. Those were humans to me.
I didn't believe in Paradise. I had no reason to. But Fate must've had crashed its head onto something, and here I was, freezing my butt off in the cold, along with a white wolf driven to go to Paradise, a porky golden wolf who's head over heels in love with a half wolf girl, and you.
You annoyed me. That was the first impression I had of you. You reminded me so much of Gehl, that boy who kept on following me. I guess you were like him in the end, both stopping before you reached your goal. I guess I wasn't enough to save you both. I couldn't save you. You made me realize my sins again.
Remember the time you asked about how I got my scar? And I told you that I got it because I betrayed my pack? All of that doesn't matter, because they were no pack of mine. My pack was with you, and the others. But I never got the chance to say that to you. I never got the chance to say the things I wanted for you to hear the most.
I wanted to take you to Paradise.
We'd all go, including Blue, and the humans. We'd all frolic in the luscious green grass, and gaze at the blue sky for a long time. The air would smell like lunar flowers, and you could see them with your own two eyes. We could stop imagining, and start seeing. That would be the Paradise that I imagined.
I wanted to take you to Paradise. I wanted you to see Paradise. I wanted you to live in Paradise. There were many things I wanted. I wanted you to be happy. And I wanted you to know that I cared, despite the fact that I kept on ignoring you a lot of times. I wanted you to know that I cared about you the most.
You kept me going this far. I would've stopped if you weren't there. Heck, I would've never jumped from that bridge if you weren't with them. But you kept me going. You kept on saying all the things I wanted to hear, while I never said anything that you wanted to hear. You kept on satisfying me, making me happy at times, but I never did anything for you.
Like the time you got your first kill. Kiba and Hige both complimented you, while I said nothing. I was proud of you. I was proud that you became an adult. You were still a runt, and you still are the runt, but you became an adult in my eyes. I still am proud of you.
You kept on scolding me about how I treated the humans. I never liked the humans. I still don't. But you loved those creatures. You were a sucker for them. You loved them like they were part of your pack. You never had a single bad thing to say about them, while I had tons. To think you died trying to save that old man made me blame the humans again for a second.
You were brave, runt. You weren't the whiny brat of the pack anymore. You wanted to reach Paradise just like the rest of us. Your determination was something that kept me going as well. You always murmured stuff about Paradise in your sleep, runt. It annoyed the hell out of me. But it also gave me courage to go on ahead.
It's weird, isn't it? A runt like you giving me courage. Ha. But now that I think over, you aren't a runt anymore, are you? You're still a pup, but not a runt. I kept on thinking about how big you grew, even though you were the scrawniest pup I've ever seen. If you'd live a little longer, you could've grown bigger than me. You could've done a lot of things if you didn't leave.
You were stupid, runt. You should've looked up to Kiba, Blue, or even Hige. They were all brave wolves, kid. You shouldn't have bothered with me in the first place. I told you, I didn't need any friends. Friends were mere things that I was going to betray anyway. But you never gave up, and kept on staying by my side. I was thankful for that, you know. I was thankful for many things. I'm sorry I never got the change to say that to you.
You made me laugh a lot. Or at least smile. Probably not because of what you said, but what you did. It was funny, how you made an ass of yourself trying to be liked by Cheza. She liked you a lot. All of us did. If I didn't like you, I wouldn't be talking to you, would I?
I was ashamed, at first, runt. Not because I was friends with you, or because I cared about you more than I showed, but because my hard exterior was slowly cracking. I did care about you, kid. You were something like a brother to me. A runt who always got tangled up in a web, and the older brother always had to get him out. I guess I couldn't get you out of this one, though.
You asked me once why all the birds, humans, flowers, and wolves couldn't live together in harmony. I answered that it was because of the humans' fault, and you scolded me again. I wish we could've had more of those conversations. I wish we could've imagined those wonderful dreams, and that dream would actually come true in the form of Paradise. I wish you didn't have to die.
Now, runt, I knew that if you were going to die, you were going to die with the humans. You loved them so much. I never understood that. And I don't think I'd ever understand it. I was jealous, in one way. Of all you guys, having a motive, and a great love for something. It was something I never understood. I never understood your love of humans. But you loved those humans so much. It was stupid, kid. But I think you would've had it no other way, right?
When I told you about my past, I told you to keep it a secret. You nodded your head eagerly and grinned like it was the happiest thing you'd ever heard in your life. I remember that it was the first time I ever told that story to anyone. It was such a crappy story, but you said that it was a great story. You put a finger to your lips and pretended to zip it. I guess it's going to be kept a secret for a long time, since you're gone.
Remember the time I was pissed off because you three were eating rancid meat, and I ran off? Remember how you came looking for me? I was real happy. No one ever bothered to do so. But you did. I didn't care how I got shot in the calf. It was for you, and a cheap price to pay for you. You took care of me when I passed out, and even though I did yell at you for doing so, I was happy about that. Thanks, kid.
I need to go now. Kiba and the others are going to leave me here, and I'm going to be all alone with two bodies. Wouldn't that be great? I wanted to take you to Paradise. If anyone deserved to go to Paradise, it would be you, kid. If anyone should've died, it would be me. If anyone deserved to go on living, to go to Paradise, it would've been you. I only wanted to go to Paradise because, well, you were going. I always said that I wanted to see Paradise because I was working my butt off getting there, but it was actually because you were going along with me. I would've had a friend beside me for the first time.
It's only been a few minutes since you left. I can tell, since your fur is still warm. I can still here your high-pitched voice, echoing in my mind. It keeps on echoing the stuff you said to me, the ones that meant the most to me.
"Come on Tsume, let's go!"
"I believed in you."
"I won't whine anymore, and I won't run away!"
I know, runt. I know that. And I want you to know that I'm proud of you, kid. You shone just like the moon back there. And I couldn't have been any prouder.
I wanted to take you to Paradise.
I wanted to take you to Paradise.
I wanted to take you to Paradise, Toboe.
Tsume stood up, heaving his body away from the two bodies, lain close together for warmth. His lips were chapped, and his face moist from the few tears he shed. He had never shed any tears for anyone, not even the time he left his loved ones from the pack. He could've easily stopped his tears from flowing, but he chose not to. It was the last thing he could do for his fallen comrade.
Kiba said that he understood when Tsume asked to have a talk with Toboe. But he didn't. He didn't know what it fell like, to lose someone that was more than a comrade to him. Kiba knew that there were sacrifices to be made to go to Paradise, and he was willing to give them up. Tsume wasn't. This was the first time he realized that, and that he wanted to go to Paradise because of Toboe.
He wasn't like Kiba. He wasn't a wolf that was driven to go to Paradise. He would've been better off if he blended in with the humans and spend the rest of his life stealing trains. He would've been better off never trusting anyone, human or wolf. But Toboe had changed that. That little scrawny pup had changed everything about him.
Tsume had started to laugh, to smile, and to care genuinely about someone. If Toboe hadn't been with him, he would've never left the town. Kiba and Hige thought that Toboe was his little brother. That he only cared for the pup because he was the eldest, and because the runt looked up to him. But it was different. Tsume cared about the pup, not only because he was like a little brother, but a friend who never gave up. Toboe was the first friend he ever had.
Tsume stared at the bodies for a few more seconds. The pup looked more like a young wolf than a baby. He looked so peaceful, like he was sleeping under the warm rays of the sun. It looked like he would wake up any second from now, and start yapping away like he always did. He looked so content, with the man's arm on top of his.
The old man, his dusty clothes red with blood, looked content as well. Together, they looked like they were sleeping. Tsume wondered what their last thoughts were. Had their deaths been painful? Was it swift? He shook his head. Being a hunter himself, he knew that both Toboe and the man hadn't died instantly. They were alive, and slowly bled to death.
Tsume wondered. If he had been at the scene a few minutes earlier, would he have been able to prevent their deaths? Would he have been able to say a proper farewell to Toboe? Would he have been able to see the last moment of Toboe's life?
Tsume began regretting for the second time in his entire life. He regretted when he had his first fight with Toboe. It seemed so long ago, where he still lived in the broken apartment, where he would almost always sulk at the windowsill. His boys would come time to time, letting him know that they were ready, and they would go rob the trains. Toboe had slept over for the night, and in the morning, they fought over humans.
He never apologized to Toboe. He never thanked Toboe. There were countless things Tsume didn't say to Toboe. But he didn't care, and accepted him. He was his friend, while Kiba and Hige remained his comrades. He would fight alongside with his comrades, but he would fight for his friend.
Tsume shook his head again, trying to ignore the echoes of Toboe's voice. It seemed to ring on in his head, and no matter how hard he tried to ignore it, the happy voice played over and over. He felt tears welling up in his eyes again, thinking of how he would never get to hear that voice from the wolf again.
He remembered the times when he took that voice for granted. How he often told Toboe to shut up, or can it, or plainly hit him on the head for him to be quiet. Now he'd never hear that voice again. He was going to miss that.
A gust of wind blew, and for a second, Tsume closed his eyes. In an instant, he opened his eyes and put his hands behind him to protect something. When his hands didn't feel anything, Tsume realized that there was nothing behind him to protect. Toboe was gone, and he wouldn't have to anymore to protect anymore. Toboe would almost always run behind him for protection, and he would always put a hand on his shoulder to reassure him. It was like an instinct him to do so.
But Toboe was gone. He would never have to protect the kid anymore.
"Take care of him, old man," Tsume said before turning his back to the two bodies. His black shoes tapped on the icy ground, and several voices in his head told him to look back. But there was nothing before him anymore. So Tsume didn't look back, but continued to walk towards the large mountain.
Long ago, he used to leave the past behind him. He had no reason to carry the weight anymore. But this time, Tsume carried the past along with him. It was carved right underneath his scar. The echoes still haunted him, but not in a bad way. He could hear Toboe's voice, still encouraging him to go on. He would go to Paradise, and Toboe would be there, waiting for him. Together, they would see Paradise.
Toboe would get to sniff the lunar flowers as much as he wanted to, and Tsume would get to run around the vast land freely. Hige would be able to eat until he felt satisfied, and Kiba would be able to frolic all day with Cheza. Blue would be able to spend her days with Hige, and even that old man would able to come to Paradise. Why not?
Tsume walked towards the mountain, never looking back. Several times he was itching to do so, but he shook the thought off and continued. After a while, he did so, but he couldn't see the two anymore. A new feeling spread across his body. It wasn't disappointment that he couldn't see the body anymore, nor it was relief that he didn't have to see their sights again.
Turning away, he started to walk again. Slowly, his pace quickened, and he started to run towards the mountain. The happy voice in his head echoed, and when Toboe's laugh filled his mind, Tsume knew that the two were in good hands. They were in Paradise, and they were looking down at him. The Paradise they were in was one that only the good could get into. Even though Tsume highly doubted that the old man did good deeds, he knew that he would take care of Toboe.
It would only be a short while until he would be able to see Toboe again. Tsume assured himself as he continued running. There was a harsh pain in his stomach, and his breathing was jagged. But he continued running, just for the sake of reaching Paradise. He knew that the echoes of Toboe would keep him going. He would reach Paradise. He would reach Paradise.
"I'm going to Paradise, Toboe. I'm going to see you soon, kid."
"I'll be waiting, okay, Tsume?"
Tsume knew he was hearing voices. But those words echoed in his mind, and it motivated him again with a strong urge. He would go to Paradise, and Toboe would be there, waiting.
"Thanks, kid."
A/N: I saw the episode just yesterday, and seriously, I cried. It was so touching, how Tsume stayed behind because he wanted to talk to Toboe. It was so sad, seeing Tsume like that. And I knew that if the producers didn't care about Kiba and the others, they would dedicate the whole episode on Tsume and Toboe.
Tsume never got that many lines the series. Maybe I'm just thinking that because I like Tsume out of all the boys, but I think that the series didn't focus on him that much. He had things to say, but they were mostly ignored. That's why I was so touched about his talk to Toboe. It was great and sad at the same time.
I know how the series end, and I bet I'm going to start bawling like a baby next week, but I hope that the four boys and Blue get to reach Paradise. And I hope that Tsume would be able to see Toboe again.
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