A/N-This is something very new for me. Maybe it's even new to you, I don't
know, but I've never seen a piece from Dudley's point of view. It's
interesting if anything. And I know the language isn't Shakespearian; you
must remember it is Dudley speaking. It will be slightly repetitive in a
stream-of-consciousness way.
By the following I don't mean to say that Dudders is really a nice old, misunderstood, sweet, young boy. He brings up some interesting points, but if you really read it through, you'll see his hypocrisy and stupidity shine through. All I'm saying is that he has to be a little more multi-faceted than the way Ol' J.K.R. writes him. That's all, I swear.
Harry Potter: A Monologue By Dudley
I'm not jealous of Harry. Really, I'm not. I just don't think it's fair, that's all. He doesn't see it, but he's lucky.
Sure, his childhood was tragically horrible. It was so bad it's almost pathetic, and I'm not going to deny that it was mostly my fault. He was like bloody Cinderella; always so mistreated. I hate that bastard, I really do. That wasn't the only reason I was so hard on him, though. I beat him up all the time because it made us equals. He was smart and I was strong. I hit him and he'd say something cutting. He'd say something cutting and I'd hit him. It was fair. I was also mean to Harry because my parents were. They'd never stop me, even when I seriously injured him. Sometimes I think they encouraged it. For a long time I didn't know why they hated him so much, but I did it anyway. It seemed like it was the right thing. By that I don't mean that without my parents, I wouldn't have beat him all the time, because that's not true. All I'm saying is they never stopped me.
My last reason for using him as a makeshift, portable punching bag: It was fun.
Even though me bullying him like crazy made us equals, we weren't really. I was always one step above him: no one loved him and plenty of people loved me. I'm not spoiled or anything, but I got a lot more things than he did. The small pride in that, though, was taken away when that goddamn giant, hairy man crashed through the door of that godforsaken cabin thing.
The stupid fairy godmother had come to take Cinderella to the stupid ball so he could go marry the stupid prince while I, stupid stepbrother, sat at home, wishing I could marry the prince too. . .well maybe that's a bad comparison. I can really relate to those stepsisters, though. They were so ugly and had such big feet that no one would ever marry them. They didn't have magic on their side, either. Just like me. I'm too non- magical with such anti-magic parents that I can't be a wizard. I have no magic on my side at all.
I'm not really saying I want to be a wizard, but what kid hasn't had dreams of being magical and waving a great big, shiny wand and making anything you want happen? I bet even Mum and Dad did once, but then they just forgot. No, I don't really want that, but him being able to do magic and go off to this fancy school really beat my previous triumph of being able to go to Smeltings. Besides that it scares the crap out of me, magic probably isn't that bad. I bet that school's wicked. I bet you can curse people and poison them and stuff and the teachers wouldn't even care. It would be awesome.
Besides that, though, I really think magic is dumb. Those stupid wizards don't have to do anything. They just fly around on broom and cackle, probably. If they want money, why couldn't they just wave their wand and have it? And say a window was broken, us normal people would have to shamble out somewhere to a window-repairing guy and pay a load of money to have it replaced, but all they would have to do was sit on their fat arses and wave a stick around. Poof! The windows all fixed and they can go back to cackling and flying about like loonies on loon tablets.
Magic's dumb for another reason: there's no limit to it. Or at least I don't think there is. I'm pretty sure that they can do anything with it if they know how. Why couldn't they just say a spell and take over the whole goddamn world? They might have to invent it first, but once they did anyone could do it. It would be crazy and stupid, with someone different owning the world every second. It's retarded. There's no control or limitations. They could explode the moon or something crazy like that! It just doesn't make sense.
I hate Harry Potter. I bet all he does is feel sorry for himself. He doesn't realize that nearly anyone in the world would die to have magic for just a week and he has it all the time. He's married to the Prince and doesn't even appreciate it.
A/N-That was way shorter than I expected, but I hope I gave Dudley a little character. Please review! I don't mind criticism, but when you review you must remember that I was taking the ball and running with it when writing his thoughts. I KNOW this isn't the way JK meant him to be; I didn't want it to be.
I really love Dudley in my own special way. I think you do too, even if you don't know it. Hmm. . .I think today is officially dubbed I Love Dudley Dursley Day.
Happy Holidays! REVIEW!
By the following I don't mean to say that Dudders is really a nice old, misunderstood, sweet, young boy. He brings up some interesting points, but if you really read it through, you'll see his hypocrisy and stupidity shine through. All I'm saying is that he has to be a little more multi-faceted than the way Ol' J.K.R. writes him. That's all, I swear.
Harry Potter: A Monologue By Dudley
I'm not jealous of Harry. Really, I'm not. I just don't think it's fair, that's all. He doesn't see it, but he's lucky.
Sure, his childhood was tragically horrible. It was so bad it's almost pathetic, and I'm not going to deny that it was mostly my fault. He was like bloody Cinderella; always so mistreated. I hate that bastard, I really do. That wasn't the only reason I was so hard on him, though. I beat him up all the time because it made us equals. He was smart and I was strong. I hit him and he'd say something cutting. He'd say something cutting and I'd hit him. It was fair. I was also mean to Harry because my parents were. They'd never stop me, even when I seriously injured him. Sometimes I think they encouraged it. For a long time I didn't know why they hated him so much, but I did it anyway. It seemed like it was the right thing. By that I don't mean that without my parents, I wouldn't have beat him all the time, because that's not true. All I'm saying is they never stopped me.
My last reason for using him as a makeshift, portable punching bag: It was fun.
Even though me bullying him like crazy made us equals, we weren't really. I was always one step above him: no one loved him and plenty of people loved me. I'm not spoiled or anything, but I got a lot more things than he did. The small pride in that, though, was taken away when that goddamn giant, hairy man crashed through the door of that godforsaken cabin thing.
The stupid fairy godmother had come to take Cinderella to the stupid ball so he could go marry the stupid prince while I, stupid stepbrother, sat at home, wishing I could marry the prince too. . .well maybe that's a bad comparison. I can really relate to those stepsisters, though. They were so ugly and had such big feet that no one would ever marry them. They didn't have magic on their side, either. Just like me. I'm too non- magical with such anti-magic parents that I can't be a wizard. I have no magic on my side at all.
I'm not really saying I want to be a wizard, but what kid hasn't had dreams of being magical and waving a great big, shiny wand and making anything you want happen? I bet even Mum and Dad did once, but then they just forgot. No, I don't really want that, but him being able to do magic and go off to this fancy school really beat my previous triumph of being able to go to Smeltings. Besides that it scares the crap out of me, magic probably isn't that bad. I bet that school's wicked. I bet you can curse people and poison them and stuff and the teachers wouldn't even care. It would be awesome.
Besides that, though, I really think magic is dumb. Those stupid wizards don't have to do anything. They just fly around on broom and cackle, probably. If they want money, why couldn't they just wave their wand and have it? And say a window was broken, us normal people would have to shamble out somewhere to a window-repairing guy and pay a load of money to have it replaced, but all they would have to do was sit on their fat arses and wave a stick around. Poof! The windows all fixed and they can go back to cackling and flying about like loonies on loon tablets.
Magic's dumb for another reason: there's no limit to it. Or at least I don't think there is. I'm pretty sure that they can do anything with it if they know how. Why couldn't they just say a spell and take over the whole goddamn world? They might have to invent it first, but once they did anyone could do it. It would be crazy and stupid, with someone different owning the world every second. It's retarded. There's no control or limitations. They could explode the moon or something crazy like that! It just doesn't make sense.
I hate Harry Potter. I bet all he does is feel sorry for himself. He doesn't realize that nearly anyone in the world would die to have magic for just a week and he has it all the time. He's married to the Prince and doesn't even appreciate it.
A/N-That was way shorter than I expected, but I hope I gave Dudley a little character. Please review! I don't mind criticism, but when you review you must remember that I was taking the ball and running with it when writing his thoughts. I KNOW this isn't the way JK meant him to be; I didn't want it to be.
I really love Dudley in my own special way. I think you do too, even if you don't know it. Hmm. . .I think today is officially dubbed I Love Dudley Dursley Day.
Happy Holidays! REVIEW!