NOTE 2- This story was actually written and the authors note done back in late January/Early February 2004. I just didn't get around to posting it until now. So if there are any other Eternal Sunshine/HP stories floating around, then I assure you I did not copy them. I wrote this FIRST!!!
A Journey through the mind of a Marauder"How happy is the blameless Vestal's lot!
The world forgetting, by the world forgot.
Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind!
Each prayer accepted, and each wish resign'd"
Alexander Pope – 'Eloisa to Abelard'
*
"Remember the Alamo. Remember the Sabbath day…and keep it holy. But why remember a destructive love affair? Here at Lacuna, we've perfected a safe, effective technique for the focused erasure of troubling memories. Our patented, non-surgical, procedure will rid you of painful memories and allow you a new and lasting peace of mind, you never imagined possible. Don't forget, with Lacuna, you can forget!"
Remus Lupin finished frantically scribbling down the phone number, and rewound the videotape to watch it for the third consecutive time. His eyes widened in surprise and delight each time the aging doctor, mentioned erasing 'painful memories.'
The months since Sirius's death had been the hardest of his short life. Only thirty-six years old, he had seen more tragedy then any man deserved in a lifetime. Fifteen years earlier, he had endured the same distress when murder, greed and authority had ripped his friends away from him.
Peter Pettigrew…poor little Peter had greedily betrayed the group.
James Potter had been taken away from him through the sin of wrath.
Sirius…Sirius had lingered longer then the others. Despite being dragged into prison by the powers that be, he had returned for two years, before disappearing to his death in the Department of Mysteries.
Now was a chance to get rid of all the memories, all the pain. Muggles weren't as carelessly risky as magic folk, and the chance of the operation being successful was greater then if Remus merely pointed his own wand at his temple and screamed "Obliviate".
For the first time in his life, Remus had an opportunity to forget all his worries and revel in the bliss of forgetfulness.
3 DAYS LATERRemus sat quietly and cautiously in the Lacuna.Inc waiting room, tapping his fingers nervously against his knees. His clothing was suitably mugglish enough for him to pass as a normal man, and the technicians thought nothing unusual as they wondered past from time to time. Turning his head to observe a dilapidated pot plant, Remus could feel his heart begin to beat faster under his shirt.
"Mr.Lupin, Dr. Mierzwiak will see you now."
Remus looked upwards into the blonde receptionists eyes. She was about 25 years old, and wearing a pristine white lab coat.
"Oh…thank you."
Following the receptionist apprehensively, Remus allowed himself to be led through the hallway and into a conspicuously tidy, pallid office. The doctor from the commercial sat impassively behind a desk.
After glancing at his notes for a moment, he looked upwards smiling.
"Please sit down Mr.Lupin, would you like some coffee?" He asked kindly.
"I'm fine thank you." Remus replied quickly.
"Do you mind if I tape this conversation? We like to keep detailed records of our clients." Mierzwiak was smiling again.
"Yes, that's fine," said Remus.
Mierzwiak flicked on the tape recorder, and gestured for Remus to begin. "Take your time, Mr.Lupin."
Remus cycled through the thoughts in his mind. "Well, my best friend died a few months ago and I've been finding it very difficult to cope. The circumstances surrounding his death are still…. mysterious…. But, I guess, well…that's part of the reason it's been so hard, you know? If he had died like a normal person then it would have been far easier. I could have visited his grave and mourned, and all that usual crap. But when it's like this…it's not easy. He was my only friend left, you know, the only one. All the others left me years ago, I'm completely alone in the world. I haven't got a wife or a girlfriend or anything, because I can't get my mind off of Sirius, that was his name."
Mierzwiak nodded pleasantly, "I know how you feel, Mr.Lupin, we all lose people. I think we can help you, I really do. I need you to tell me absolutely everything about you and your friend. As many stories as you can, your feelings after the death…everything. Then we can start discussing the best way to ease your suffering."
"Okay…well…."
*
The following day, Remus returned to Lacuna, his hands grasping a battered black briefcase full of strange and obscure items. He strolled inattentively past Mary the receptionist and straight into Mierzwiak's office, slamming the door behind him and laying the briefcase on the desk.
"Okay, I brought the items you asked for. My house is completely empty of anything that might remind me of Sirius."
"Rather eager, aren't we Mr.Lupin," Mierzwiak muttered politely, "Your appointment for the memory erasure isn't until next Friday."
"I want it now. I didn't sleep a single hour last night thinking about Sirius, I'll pay you double…just get me in the fucking chair, comprende?" Remus yelled furiously, pacing around the room.
"Okay…calm down Mr.Lupin. You are lucky it's been a slow day, I'll lead you straight through."
With a flick of his wrist, Mierzwiak pushed open the door again. Remus stared out as light streamed into the room. Bright, dazzling sunlight.
Mierzwiak looked onwards, smiling. Remus turned towards him, as the painted walls began slowly to lose colour, despite being white, and tire despite being inanimate.
"Oh my God! The procedures already started, hasn't it? This is my last memory in which Sirius was discussed. I'm laying at home in bed…having the operation, aren't I?" Remus said anxiously, as Mierzwiak began to slowly move out of focus too.
"That's right. This is all just a memory, Mr.Lupin. Our techs are at work right now, erasing anything and everything to do with your friend. It'll all be gone by morning." Mierzwiak beamed.
"They are using the articles you brought related to Sirius, and are in the process of tracing a neurological map, to erase it all. Say goodbye to the pain, Remus."
A strange sense of tranquillity washed over Remus as the room, and Mierzwiak's voice began to fade. Slowly, a new memory came into focus. The volume increased, and Remus looked downwards to find a wand in his hand, and burn marks on his robes.
Much to his surprise, Albus Dumbledore stood opposite, observing him over the top of his half-moon glasses.
"We all lose people, Remus, its part of life. We just have to move on." Dumbledore spoke, as though in the middle of a long sermon.
Remus glanced at him, rolling his eyes.
"Why all the lectures, Dumbledore. They never help anyone out. This is just a memory. Trying to tell me losing Sirius didn't matter isn't going to help anything. You'll be gone soon."
"And so will he," Dumbledore replied portentously.
"I remember this conversation. You never said that? What the hell is going on?" Remus screamed in reply.
"It's a memory! I can do whatever I like!" Dumbledore said, exultantly, as he began knocking books of his lavishly decorated oak bookshelf.
Remus sighed and sat down on a chair, waiting for the memory to be erased. Dumbledore on the other hand continued to act like a child, gleefully throwing things around and dancing about merrily.
"I thought you were supposed to be the voice of reason?" Remus asked politely.
"Who cares about that, I am about to cease to exist! I might as well make the most of it!" Dumbledore replied in an exaggerated welsh accent.
He raised his hand to his face, as it began to slip out of focus.
"About bloody time," Remus moaned, "I'm not going to miss this at all."
As the out-of-focus Dumbledore, continued to frolic around madly, Remus felt his chair tip backwards. With no attempt to stop it, he fell back, finding himself lying on the cold stone ground of the department of mysteries.
Dumbledore was perfectly clear again, standing furiously at the doorway of the room waving his wand in the direction of the terrified Death Eaters. Various children and injured aurors were scattered around, watching as Sirius battled Bellatrix.
"STOP THIS RIGHT NOW!" Remus yelled at the top of his voice, attempting to pat out his singed cloak, which had been hit by a decidedly unusual spell a few seconds beforehand.
Bellatrix and Sirius both stopped and turned to face him.
"Can't you see we're busy, Remus?" Sirius commented, idly.
"Yes, fuck off, werewolf. This is family business." Bellatrix added.
"Damn right. Where were we?" Sirius replied, nodding his head in agreement. "Ah…of course. You were firing that annoying spell your father taught you that time, and I was busy trying to conjure up a snake to help me out."
Remus watched in astonishment as the duo began to battle again.
"Don't any of you understand? This is a memory? You're all going to die! Well…. die isn't the word, but rather *cease to exist*."
Sirius shrugged his shoulders as though this was completely normal. "And?" He said carelessly.
"And…don't you realise you are all going to disappear? I've had you erased. There's not much time left for you." Remus continued, confused as to Sirius' lack of understanding.
"Why did you have your memory erased?" Sirius said intriguingly. Bellatrix and the other Death Eaters looked at Remus, extremely interested.
"It doesn't matter." Remus contentedly replied. "You're all fading. And I don't miss this memory one little bit."
Remus smiled and waved, as the ceilings began to droop, and the various memories faded into oblivion.
"Goodbye, Sirius."
Through the fading memory, Remus could see Sirius smile and wave back.
"Sirius?"
The memory vanished, and Remus found himself falling forwards and landing painfully on wet concrete. A strong pair of hands helped him to his feet, and he was surprised to see Kingsley Shacklebolt, alongside Moody, Tonks and Sirius, standing with him.
"Are you okay Lupin? I think you must have slipped? Tonks asked kindly.
"I'm fine thank you." Remus replied, winking at her suggestively.
Tonks timidly smiled and continued her conversation with the others. "Anyway, where were we? I think we should just risk going in through the main entrance. We have *no* time. The kids are already in there."
Remus was staring in awe as Sirius agreed. "Yes, that's the best plan of action. I always liked taking risks."
"You shouldn't even be here, boy. If the aurors are around, and catch one glimpse of you, they'll abandon any Death Eater's in a second." Moody gruffly mumbled.
"The worlds most wanted fugitive, taking a night time stroll in London." Sirius said, chuckling quietly to himself.
Remus burst out laughing, much to the surprise of Moody, Tonks and Kingsley.
"Fugitive…. stroll…. London…. classic!" Remus laughed, leaning over to suppress his uncontrollable giggling. "God, I loved it when you made jokes like that. That's what I miss!"
Sirius eyed Remus cautiously.
"Are you okay, Moony? You're kinda acting odd? Do you need a slap or something?" Sirius said softly.
"No," Remus gathered his thoughts. "I'm fine."
"Then what's the problem?" Sirius continued, his voice beginning to slow into a controlled drawl as the Lacuna machine removed the memory.
"I just miss this memory." Remus uttered, with a sudden realisation. "Until you fell through the veil, I enjoyed it. I liked the fact you were happy again. Even though it was short lived, and you didn't have much time to truly enjoy it, I could see in your eyes that you were happy to be free from the house for once.
"I hated being locked up, you know that Moony. You wouldn't even let me leave as Padfoot. If anything it was worse then Azkaban. At least in prison the dementors suppressed my emotions. At my house, there was too much temptation." Sirius replied earnestly.
"What do you mean? I don't understand?" said Remus.
Tonks interrupted. "I think what he means, is that in Azkaban he knew escape was impossible, whereas at Grimmauld place, freedom was as simple as walking through the front door."
"Dumbledore never had any problem with Sirius leaving," Kingsley continued, "It was all you, Lupin. You were just terrified of what would happen if he got caught again. Some of us may not have noticed it, but you were the oppressive one. You never wanted Sirius to be more then one room away from you."
"Why are we having this conversation now?" Moody asked, irritably "We should be getting inside the Ministry."
"We don't need to get inside the ministry, Mad-Eye you idiot." Remus retorted. "This is all just a memory. One of my memories. There's nothing you can do other then stand here and wait to be erased.
"Oh…" A look of sadness fell over Moody's heavily scarred face.
"Cheer up, Mad-Eye!" Tonks said enthusiastically, patting him on the back, "Try not to think of it from a pessimistic viewpoint, huh?"
"Indeed" Kingsley continued, in his baritone voice, "We never existed in the first place, so it's hardly a great loss. I rather enjoyed this little chat we've had."
Remus guiltily looked at his feet, as the group began to fade.
The surroundings had sunk into the abyss, erased permanently from his memory. Sirius lingered a moment longer, before transparently disappearing into thin air.
"I need to stop this. I have to stop this! I can't have all of these memories destroyed." Remus cried, cupping his face in his hands and closing his eyes.
Realising his mistake, he opened them again instantaneously. He was back in Grimmauld place, sitting with Sirius by the fire.
"What are we doing in this memory, Sirius?" Remus asked suddenly, breaking the generally calm atmosphere.
"Just…sitting, having a drink." Sirius replied, sipping his firewhiskey. "If you remember correctly this was the evening before the memory you just had erased."
"How do you know about that memory? It was destroyed…its gone?" Remus said anxiously.
"The brain remembers some residual information until the procedure is complete," said Sirius coolly.
"Jesus, Sirius, you're talking like Mierzwiak!" Remus mumbled.
"Those memories have already been erased. Perhaps some of Mierzwiak's personality had become imprinted on me. How should I know?" Sirius continued ignorantly.
Remus looked at his hands. He too was grasping one of the small transparent glasses of firewhiskey.
"Cheers, Sirius." He raised his glass. Sirius did the same, and they both drunk deeply.
The liquid tasted strangely flavourless. Remus quickly remembered that he had refused to drink it at the time, and his brain obviously had no idea what firewhiskey tasted like.
He looked over at Padfoot, nostalgically remembering his friend, as he would have wanted to be remembered.
"Sirius…I don't want to forget all of this. It's being removed from my mind, but I don't want it to be." He said, slowly and almost apologetically. "I just want to forget the bad parts. Do you think there is any way that I can control the procedure, and only have certain memories removed? Memories I choose to have removed."
Sirius stared at him blankly.
"They trace a map of you across my brain, and routinely erase each individual memory you feature in. It will be as if I never knew you. I'll remember Peter and James and Lily…but not you. For me, the marauders will feel as though they were always a threesome. Is it possible to keep all my memories of us back then, and only lose the painful stuff?"
"But…the marauders would have been rubbish without me!" Sirius said, raising his eyebrows.
"I know that, I know that. I think you're missing the point, Padfoot; I just want to lose the bad memories. I made a mistake. I need to stop it now before I lose everything." Remus responded, tears beginning to emerge from his eyes.
"You said they traced a map?" Sirius said swiftly.
"Yes…that's right."
"Then why not hide me off the map. Where they won't be able to find me."
"Would…would that work?" Remus garbled, incoherently
Sirius began to decay, his entire body fading into transparency, the room alongside it. Only Remus remained opaque, staring in terror as his only friend disappeared from the only existence that mattered.
"Deviate from the map. Take me to memories I'm not in. We can hide there until it's over." Sirius voice droned, as he slowly vanished.
Remus considered the idea for a moment, before grabbing Sirius by the hand and pulling him out of the room. Running through the front door, Padfoot slowly began to come back into focus as they sprinted through the decaying landscape of unfocused memories.
Finally stumbling upon a familiar looking playing field, Remus stopped abruptly and looked around.
"I think we're safe, Remus. Wow, look what you're wearing!"
Remus glanced downwards. He was dressed in a scruffy Hogwarts tie, and some inexpensive robes.
"Oh God, not this memory!"
"What is it?" Sirius laughed, before realising he too was dressed in Hogwarts uniform. Both stood as adults, amongst several dozen playing children, ignorant to the facial age difference. Adults…but small.
"Bloody hell, Moony, we must only be about eleven." Sirius casually remarked.
"I know. This is our first year at Hogwarts. Look! Over there! Remember him!"
Sirius momentarily eyed a fat bald child, considering whether or not to start a fight. Remus noticed.
"Well, at least the memory isn't fading, Padfoot. I think we're safe. I've managed to hide you. Now try to stay inconspicuous. The machine they use to do this sort of operation is smart, if you start messing up my memories it will find you."
"I'm afraid I can't help myself Moony. You remember this first day…we didn't know each other yet, but you saw me give that kid the beating of his life." Sirius said apprehensively.
"Not now, Sirius, not now." Remus urged him.
"No…. self…control." Sirius strained to prevent the attack, but found himself running across the playing field and landing a left hook on the unassuming bald child's face.
Remus sighed as Sirius began to arrogantly mock the tearful youngster. They had only arrived minutes beforehand, and the background had already begun to decay and fade. Without hesitation, Remus dragged his friend away from the boy and out of the memory.
As they walked quickly through Remus' mind, the agitated protagonist felt it necessary to chastise Sirius.
"So, did you think that was funny, huh? You realise that you're endangering your very existence?" He said angrily.
"I'm just a memory. It doesn't matter what I do." Sirius replied, a hint of sadness in his voice.
"I'm sorry Padfoot, its just…you know…I'd rather you try not to do anything other then follow me. Its going to sound like I'm being a weird authoritarian bastard, but I hate the idea of losing you. Going into that Lacuna place was the worst mistake I ever made."
Sirius smiled and patted Remus on the back.
"Chances are they'll find me anyway. If it's my fate to be erased, then so be it. You made the choice to go there. You have to live with it, not me."
Remus stopped for a moment and stared into his friend's eyes.
"You think I'm the only one who has to live with it? Are you content to be destroyed…because you will be, I guarantee it. When I signed up to that procedure I basically signed away everything that was left of Sirius Black. James is dead. Peter couldn't give a flying fuck. I am the only person left aside from Harry who cares about you."
"Why are you trying to hide me?" Sirius retorted cautiously.
"Because I don't want to lose all those years of memories. Not just because you were there, but also because they make me, as a person. My flaws, my strengths…some of the experiences we have shared have affected my personality in ways not even I understand. To lose all of that would change me as a person. And I don't want that to happen. I like me. I like Remus James Lupin."
"I like Remus James Lupin too." Sirius replied, "And I have no intention of losing him by letting him lose me. Find a new memory. Hide me deeper."
"How deep?" Remus asked curiously.
"James was always the best at thinking up plans," Sirius said cautiously, "I was more of a risk taker, but he was the plans guy. Let's go and find him, he'll know."
"Go and get James? James Potter? Are you insane…he's…. dead!" Remus replied.
"He lives in your memory, Moony, find him…take him with us. He can help."
"He's not going to be easy to find, Padfoot, my memory of the 1970's isn't as fresh as it once was."
Sirius scratched his beard and grinned. "You did a fine job just there. Just pick a memory and get there…. quickly…. before the Lacuna guys find us."
"Isn't this kinda dangerous. I could end up erasing my entire childhood."
"I know you Remus, as a memory, I have access to your entire lifetime…and your childhood wasn't that exciting. You have nothing to lose."
Remus shrugged his shoulders and closed his eyes.
*
When he opened them, his vision was filled with black hair. He blinked, and realised that the back of James Potter's head was sitting in front of him. A quick glance to the side revealed several exam tables, one of which seated Sirius.
Hundreds of children speedily wrote answers to essay questions, as the NEWT exams played out in Remus' mind, just as they had once done in reality.
Nobody seemed to notice that two men in there thirties were amongst the children, wearing school uniform…but as a memory, the simplistic elements were irrelevant.
Remus tapped James gently on the back of the shoulder, causing the seventeen year old boy to swivel around and frown at him.
"Don't do that, Moony, I'm trying to write here!" James whispered, pointing inconspicuously at the professor monitoring the student's progress at the front of the room.
"We need your help, James!" Sirius shouted from the other side of the room. None of the students noticed, and the professor continued to glance around thoughtlessly.
"What sort of help?" James asked inquisitively.
"It's a fairly simple one, Prongs," said Remus, "Me and Sirius have got in a spot of bother regarding memory charms…we are trying to think what my most obscure memory would be."
"Well, obviously it would be when you were a baby." James said absentmindedly. "When you were really young, your memories would be fragmented anyway. If you are looking for something obscure, that's where you'll find it."
"Thanks Prongs." Remus replied, grinning.
"Now, Moony, can you please get out of here and let me finish my essay. I don't want to end up being erased like those other poor bastards earlier." James remarked.
"Hey! How did you know about that!"? Remus protested.
James winked, and turned back to finish his essay. "Memories stick together. We know what you know kiddo."
Remus turned back towards Sirius, who was flicking balls of paper in the direction of an increasingly irate Severus Snape.
"I guess it could be worse, I was kind of in the mood to watch children's television anyway." Sirius said sardonically.
Before Sirius could finish his sentence, his arm had been grabbed by Remus and dragged backwards swiftly, flying headfirst into a wooden playpen. Sirius desperately tried to suppress his laughter as Remus looked downwards, horrified, at their clothing.
They both stood, short adults, wearing full white cotton bodysuits. Remus garments featured a large blue, hand stitched bunny rabbit. Sirius was fortunate enough to have gotten away with plain attire, but his small hand gripped a soggy breadstick, and a line of mucous dripped from his nostrils.
"You have absolutely no concept how embarrassing this is." Sighed Remus, picking up a small red rattle, and inattentively shaking it.
"You look just like a baby!" Sirius giggled, taking a bite out of his breadstick and chewing it noisily, crumbs dropping to the ground.
"Where is Mummy?" Remus asked sincerely, glancing through the wooden bars of the playpen.
Sirius burst into laughter, dropping his breadstick and falling to the padded ground, in hysterics. Remus raised his hand to his mouth.
"Argh! I don't believe I just said that out loud!" He shrieked, "I couldn't help myself!"
Sirius continued to laugh.
"And you can shut up, or I'll leave you here indefinitely!" Remus threatened.
Sirius calmed down, climbing to his feet and gripping the wooden bars next to Remus.
"Reminds me of Azkaban, you know, or should I say it reminds you of me in Azkaban." Sirius said.
Remus glanced at him momentarily, frowning. "Now you're just being confusing, Padfoot."
"Sorry, I haven't gotten used to this whole memory thing yet, Moony." He replied solemnly.
"That's okay." Remus muttered reassuringly. "I think we're safe here, even if I do suddenly have an uncontrollable urge to play with that toy train over there."
Remus pointed in the direction of a plastic train, and strolled over to pick it up, squashing Sirius' breadstick with his bare feet on the way. Gripping the toy with his small hands, he hoisted it off the soft play mat, and began to roll it happily along the ground making exaggerated train noises. Sirius leant against the wooden bars and watched happily.
"This is so much fun its unbelievable!" Remus squeaked, as he rolled the train backwards and forwards. "I don't think I've had this much fun in years. It's just so…simple, you know? Sirius?"
He looked upwards. Sirius was gone, and the world had faded around him.
Remus sighed, his resolve broken. The world around him began to decay, but this time…for good. He had travelled too far back to find a new memory. The entire attempt had been futile from the beginning.
*
The following morning, a brilliant sunrise awoke Remus in his bed. The light crept in through the gaps in the curtains, hitting the back of his retinas and waking him. He unsteadily climbed to his feet and exited the bedroom, making his way out of the room.
Grimmauld Place had never seemed so empty, even though Tonks and numerous other members of the Order had moved in for the summer.
Remus staggered slowly and unsurely down towards the mail, his head throbbing with pain and his mouth dry.
Leaning over, he picked up and began to sift though the morning post. Amongst the various bills and letters lay a small white subscription card addressed to Nymphadora Tonks. Mildly curious, he flipped it over to read the printed black text.
Remus Lupin has had Sirius Black erased from his
memory. Please never mention their relationship to him
again. Thank you.
Lacuna Ltd.
Remus stared at the card for a moment disbelievingly, filing through his brain for an answer, before quietly muttering four significant words to himself.
"Who is Sirius Black?"
THE END
.