Disclaimer: I do not own How I Met Your Mother, nor any of the characters involved. This fanfiction is merely written for fun and do to the fact that Carter Bays and Craig Thomas have caused me undue post-finale stress and I need some Swarkles, T&T fluff. I also do not own Sharknado, nor Ian Zering.
"Barnin? RoBarn? Stinsky?"
"What are you doing?" Robin Scherbatsky questioned her new husband, Barney Stinson, as she joined him in their booth at MacLaren's. She set their two beverages on to the table where she noticed a yellow legal pad in front of her spouse, "Don't tell me you're making a Ted Mosby pro and con list."
Barney scoffed, "No. That's just stupid and pointless... I'm figuring out what our name is!"
"Our name?" Robin wondered aloud, already regretting her query when his eyes lit up.
"Yes! The amalgamation of our names; our identity as a couple. All the greats have them! Brangelina, Kimye, TomKat..."
"Who?"
Barney stared, shocked, at his wife, "How are you can you even call yourself a journalist?"
"I report on things that actually-" But, as it had happened all too often, Robin was interrupted.
"We should have one! Nay, we MUST have one. I cannot be beat by that insipid Tom Cruise again. The only reason he was cast instead of me in 'Mission Impossible' was because no one would have believed that the mission WASN'T possible for the Barnicle!"
"Did you even see that movie?"
"Yes, and it was sufficiently lacking in awesome."
Robin sighed dejectedly. She was going to have to entertain this insanity or she'd be hearing about it for much longer than necessary. She reached across the table and grabbed the pad of paper. Several words were crossed off, others were circled, some were written in capital letters, and in the margins there were a couple doodles- explicit, of course. "Are these my boobs?"
"I have a more detailed version on the next page."
Flipping over the page, her eyes widened. Her husband wasn't exaggerating about it being detailed. She looked up, then her lips were overtaken by a smile, "Thanks, baby!" The couple high-fived, then returned to the task at hand. "I'm nixing 'Barbin', sounds too much like Bourbon."
"We're Scotch people."
"True that. Starsky? That's not even an accurate combination," Robin argued, eyeing over the list.
"I know, but how cool would it be if it were and we got a dog and named him 'Hutch' and we could send out Christmas cards as Starsky and Hutch!" Barney enthusiastically explained, practically bouncing in his seat.
Robin shook her head, returning her attention to the names, "'BRo'?"
"RIGHT?! It's perfect!"
"No, it's not. It makes it sound like I'm a dude."
"You know, I always thought that if the General swung in towards the Men's department, I'd be with more of a David."
"Always comforting for a wife to hear," Mrs. Stinson mumbled, shaking her head.
"Baby, please. You know that I've been addicted to vagina since I came out of one. What up! High five!" The couple high-fived over the table again, with less enthusiasm from Robin this time around. After a couple minutes of debating one potential name after the other, they arrived at the bottom of the list- with no agreed upon title for their union.
Barney downed the last of his drink, slamming the glass onto the tabletop, "This is hopeless."
"Why don't we just drop it?"
"NO! We are Stinsons and Stinsons do not leave a challenge uncompleted!" He boasted, then grabbed his bride's hand and pulled her out from the booth, "We need a second and third and fourth opinion!" With his free hand, he pulled out his cell phone, hitting one number, "Ted! Suit up and get to Marshall and Lily's ASAP!" The one-sided conversation ended with a tap on the phone's screen and Barney returned the piece of technology back to it's home.
"Why does Ted need to suit up for this?"
"When DOESN'T Ted need to suit up? His 'style' and I say that very, very loosely, not unlike those awful, untailored pants he wears, is atrocious." Without another word, the Barney and Robin left MacLarens and headed straight for the apartment of their gang's favorite couple.
"Marshall! Lily!" Barney called out for after bursting in through the door of Eriksons' apartment, Robin trailing behind him.
"We're right here," Lily calmly responded, both she and Marshall sitting on the living room's sofa. Boxes filled the rest of the space, the pair preparing for their big move to Italy in just a couple of weeks. However, with Marvin taking a nap in his nursery, the pair decided to take a break from packing, to lay on the couch and study some of their translation books. This, in reality, was five seconds of studying and the rest of the hour being them watching Sharknado for the fifth time.
"My beautiful wife Robin and I-"
Suddenly, Ted appeared in the doorway, Tracy following him, not unlike Barney and Robin before them.
"Ted! It has been over a decade, more than ten years and you still do not understand what 'Suit Up!' means?" Barney questioned, exasperated, taking in Ted' ensemble- a t-shirt, jeans, and a plaid button-up over top.
"There's a difference between understanding and simply refusing," Ted replied, looking back at Tracy, who was eyeing him as well, "What?"
She simply shrugged, smiling coyly, "I bet you'd look good in a suit. Like a regular Teddy Roosevelt."
"Ted! Ted! Ted!" Barney exclaimed, trying to garner the attention of his best friend. Once he had it, he used his two fingers to motion between them, as he'd done many times in the past, encouraging Ted to focus on him, "NEVER let go of this girl."
"Or never do anything that makes her let go of you," Robin added, resulting in a glare from her ex.
"Seriously, Ted, you'll never find another one that even knows who Roosevelt is, let alone cares about him," Marshall noted, pausing the television, freezing on an image of Ian Ziering with a chainsaw.
"More importantly, she agrees that even blind men dress better than you," Barney praised, going over and wrapping his arm around Tracy's shoulders.
"Pretty sure I didn't say that," She tried to correct her new beau's overzealous friend, but it seemed futile.
Barney grinned, "Yup! I dare say she might be my second favorite gal in the group."
"Hey!" Lily yelled, insulted.
"Don't worry, Lil'. I haven't even seen her breasts yet."
"Please let go of her," Ted begged, grabbing Tracy's hand and yanking her out of Barney's grasp, walking them over to the armchair on the opposite side of the room; the female T.M. sitting on the male T.M.'s lap comfortably.
Robin began the discussion where Barney had left off before Ted and Tracy arrived, "Barney thinks we need a combination of our names and we can't decide on one."
"One of us is super picky and can't settle on one," Barney lied, pointing exaggeratedly at his wife who playfully swatted him in return.
"A combination of names? Like Brangelina?" Tracy asked and Barney's grin grew.
"Bro, seriously, was I right or was I right about her?"
"Anyway," Robin, directing the focus back to the original topic, "We have a few-"
But Lily quickly interrupted her friend before the Canadian could even reach for the notepad, that she had set on the coffee table, just minutes earlier, "Not necessary."
"Why?" The Stinsons replied in unison.
Lily looked nervously at own husband, who glanced back at their fellow married couple, "Because you've already had one for years."
Robin released a chuckle, "You guys named us as a couple? Okay, what is it?"
Marshall now looked towards Ted, who shook his head, pointing at Lily, "You're the one who came up with it!"
"They just got married! And we're leaving soon! It'd be funny any other time, but I just don't want to upset anyone right now," Her pregnancy hormones were interjecting themselves into the equation as she blinked away tears. Marshall kissed her head, lovingly, "It's okay, baby." He knew how much she hated being extra emotional due to the child growing inside of her.
He turned back to Barney and Robin, whose eyebrows were raised, waiting for an answer that everyone else seemed to be aware of except for them. "Swarkles."
"What? That doesn't even-"
"How is that-"
But Barney and Robin's laughter at the name ceased when they both came to the realization of what it meant.
"No!" Robin, disgusted, gasped.
"THAT IS NOT MY NAME!" Barney bellowed, not even bringing himself to mention the nickname from years past.
Lily sheepishly smiled, "We thought it made perfect sense."
"This is insane!" Robin concluded, collapsing onto the other available chair.
Barney stood behind her, looking near tears himself. "I told you, I hate it. I HATE IT. Sure, the part about Robin is funny, but Marshall, I am your BEST friend-"
"You're not-"
"-HOW could you let your wife be so cruel to me?!" Barney finished, still in a state of complete bewilderment.
"Hey, when do we get a couple name?" Ted asked, gesturing to Tracy and himself, gaining groans from the rest of the friends.
"Really, Ted?" Robin rolled her eyes, looking up at her husband who shook his head in disappointment.
"It's been TWO WEEKS, dude!" Marshall pointed out, "Please do not Mosby her!"
"Your last name is a verb, too? What's 'Mosby'?" Tracy inquired, Ted just mouthing a "nothing" to her. He had conveniently not gotten to that part of his life story yet. Tracy made a mental note to ask about that again later, but tried to steer it back to Barney and Robin, "Why is 'Swarkles' so bad? What does it stand for?"
The two other couples gaped at the bass player, who suddenly felt very self-conscious until she realized they were really looking at Ted.
"You haven't told her?" Asked Robin.
"I tell those stories to strangers," Lily said.
"I LEAD with those stories when talking to strangers," Marshall bragged.
"We just got to Wesleyan in the Ted Mosby story, okay?" Ted offered as an explanation and now the four really were looking at Tracy, this time with sympathetic stares, "Hey! She's only at sophomore year of high school."
"It was a big year. First period, I was a late bloomer, my hamster died, and severe acne," Tracy added and Ted stared up at her in adoration. The two shared a quick kiss, "So seriously, what's 'Swarkles'?"
"Swarley and Robin Sparkles," Robin gritted through her teeth.
Silence fell on the room until Tracy prodded again, "I don't get it."
"Fine!" Barney practically shouted, stepping behind the sofa, "If this tale must be told, I shall shed my shame and-"
"A barista in 2006 wrote Swarley on his cup instead of Barney and it was the highlight of the year," Ted swiftly said, leaving Barney annoyed.
"It's true, even Marshall and I getting back together didn't come close to that," Lily admitted, nodding her head.
Tracy giggled, "Swarley. Swarley Simon."
"Good one!" Ted praised, high-fiving his latest girlfriend while the rest of the gang, minus Barney, concurred.
As the laughter died down, Tracy turned to Robin, "So 'Robin Sparkles' must mean you. Were you some sort of Las Vegas dancer?"
"Worse, much worse: A Canadian popstar!" Barney revealed, a laptop suddenly appearing in his hands.
"You didn't even leave the room! Where'd you get that?!" Robin demanded, standing as he came around the sofa, handing the computer to Tracy.
"Please," He scoffed, "Just hit play."
Three minutes later, Tracy McConnell sat, mouth hanging wide open, staring at the screen, then Robin, then the screen.
"I was young and-"
"What else is there to do in Canada?" Barney interjected.
"Look whose talking! You're 1/4 Canadian!" Barney gagged as his wife reminded him of this disturbing fact. "Lily, I still can't even believe that you, my best friend, would be the one to come up with that name," Robin said, disappointment on her face.
"At first, it was just funny," Lily began to explain, standing up and walking closer to her friend, "But the more I thought about it, the more it made sense. I mean, Robin Sparkles was technically what brought you two together."
"And the other name?!" Barney breathlessly demanded.
"Oh, that was just for laughs," Lily dismissed, chuckling. She sobered before turning to Robin again, "I'm sorry. We can change it."
But Barney and Robin locked eyes from across the room. Aside from Swarley's part of the combination, which Robin secretly enjoyed, it really did make sense. Their first kiss, their first night spent together was after re-watching Robin Sparkles' "Sandcastles in the Sand" over and over. Also, a couple as legendary as them couldn't have a boring name made up with their regular names, it wasn't them. "No."
They met in front of the coffee table and shared a passionate kiss.
"Aw, I love Swarkles," Lily cooed, sitting back down next to Marshall, watching her friends with joy.
"So, do you have any aliases I should know about?" Tracy whispered to Ted, who lit up.
"As a matter of fact, I do. Say hello to T-Mo-"
"STOP!" "What's the matter with you?!" "Do you hate getting laid?!" "Why do you do this to yourself?!"
Because, while Swarkles was became a reality, "T-Moz" never would.