My Funny Valentine

The Joker awoke on the morning of February 14th to find that he couldn't move his arms. Or legs, or any part of his body, he noticed, as he opened his eyes to find himself chained to his bed. His slight sense of panic only increased when he noticed Harley Quinn standing by the foot of the bed, wearing a skimpy nightie and holding a whoopie cushion.

"Oh, you're awake finally!" she exclaimed, beaming.

"Uh…pumpkin pie…what is all this?" he asked, looking around warily. "Why am I all chained up?"

"Because I wanted to be safe rather than sorry this year," retorted Harley. "You always find some way to weasel outta spending time with me on Valentine's Day, so this year I thought I'd beat you to the punch. So I drugged your bedtime hot chocolate last night and chained you up this morning, and now you've got no choice but to spend all day in bed with me," she purred, climbing onto the bed and bending over to kiss him.

"Wow, that's…great, pooh," stammered Joker. Inwardly he was fuming, but he knew he was going to need all his charm to get out of this one, and truth to tell, he was kinda afraid of upsetting Harley with that crazy, needy look in her eyes, especially when he was at her mercy like this. "What a clever little girl you are! But…uh…y'know Daddy…sometimes has a difficult time giving repeat performances…"

Harley giggled. "Well, you won't today," she said, grinning. "I gave you some of Ivy's special formula."

"Ivy's…what?" he asked.

"Special formula," she repeated. "Ivy said she was sick of guys flagging when she was still gearing to go, so she invented this formula that'll…uh…well, it kinda gets guys really hard at random intervals. And it looks like it's working!" she giggled, gazing in captivation at the sudden bulge in the sheets in front of her.

"How are you…Harley, this is wrong on so many levels!" he gasped.

"Mmm hmm," she agreed, pulling aside the sheet and straddling him. "And I just love things that are all wrong for me, Mr. J."

She began moving up and down, and nature did its work. "Harley, you have to…stop this now," began Joker. "Harley…Harley…oh, Harley…oh…Harley!"

And then the doorbell rang. "I'll get it!" said Harley cheerfully, climbing off him suddenly.

"Harley, no, get back here!" he shouted. "Harley! Harley! Aw, son of a…" he muttered, struggling uselessly against his chains.

"Morning, Red! What are you doing here?" asked Harley, opening the front door to her friend Poison Ivy. "Doncha have some guy to spend today with?"

"There are more important things than men to deal with today, Harley," growled Ivy. "In some sick Valentine's Day joke, Gotham Botanical Gardens is allowing people to come in and pick their own bouquets of roses fresh from the 200 acre rose garden it planted a few months ago!"

"Aw, that's kinda romantic…" began Harley.

"Murdering defenseless flowers is not romantic!" shrieked Ivy. "And I'm heading there right now to put a stop to the slaughter! You should come with me."

"Uh…thanks, but no thanks, Red," said Harley, glancing toward her room. "It being Valentine's Day and all, Mr. J and I are kinda…busy in the bedroom. Y'know."

"Harley, you useless waste of space!" shouted Joker at that moment. "Get back in here right now and unchain me, or I'll break every bone in your worthless body!"

"He doesn't sound like he's in the mood for romance," said Ivy, dryly.

"But he is, Red!" protested Harley. "You just don't know him! Threatening me is one of the ways Mr. J shows he cares! It means he needs me, really needs me, y'know, desperately…"

"Harley, now!" roared Joker.

"Just hang on one second, Red," said Harley, rushing off. A few moments later, a series of loud, pleasurable cries came from the bedroom. Ivy sighed, taking a seat in the living room and turning on the TV.

"…hundreds of people have descended on Gotham's Botanical Gardens to take advantage of the special, romantic, Valentine's Day gesture. Here we have celebrity billionaire Bruce Wayne, spending Valentine's Day with a very lucky lady…"

Ivy turned the volume up, trying to drown out the sounds of enjoyment from the bedroom, which were becoming even more high-pitched on Harley's part. "Oh, puddin'! Oh yes! Yes! Yes!"

The final shriek was ear-splitting, and for a second Ivy understood the Joker's reluctance to bring Harley to that state. "Oh…puddin'! That was incredible! Just so good!" she moaned. "Oh, it's so nice that you're really in the mood for…"

Ivy heard a shriek, and then a thud, and then a door slamming. A second later, Harley emerged from the bedroom, limping slightly and rubbing her bottom. "Not one for cuddling, is he?" said Ivy.

"Yeah. I kinda thought he'd be different today, Red, 'cause of the drugs and all…" said Harley.

"What drugs?" asked Ivy.

"Uh…nothing," said Harley, hastily. "Should have kept him chained up, I guess. But I just thought he'd be more enthusiastic than usual today."

"At least you got sex on Valentine's Day," retorted Ivy. "That's more than most of us. Although maybe I'll give Harvey a call this evening. Now are you gonna come with me or not?"

"Sorry to disappoint you, Weed Lady, but she already came with me!" chuckled Joker, entering the room fully dressed in his usual purple suit.

"Very funny, J," sighed Ivy, rolling her eyes. "But I actually have bigger plans than a roll in the hay today. They're planning a mass genocide of roses at the Botanical Gardens. I'm going to put a stop to it."

"By massacring unarmed citizens?" chuckled Joker. "Sounds like a laugh riot! We'd love to come!"

"Nobody invited you!" snapped Ivy.

"Aw, c'mon, Red, it's Valentine's Day!" exclaimed Harley. "It's a day for couples, and me and puddin' wanna spend time together as a couple! I can't go anywhere without him today!"

"Today or any other day," growled Ivy. She sighed heavily. "Fine, you both can come."

"And we both already did, Plant Lady!" laughed Joker.

"If you promise to stop the sex jokes," finished Ivy. "And keep the PDA to a minimum. There is nothing worse than being alone on Valentine's Day and having adoring couples all around you rubbing it in."

"Oh Pammie, I'm sure you have weeds waiting for you at home!" chuckled Joker. "And if you'd like a warm body for a change, I'm sure you can use your special lipstick to drug a guy or two. Although there are laws against that kinda behavior…"

"Aw, Mr. J, Red ain't the kinda gal to let laws stop her doing what she wants!" said Harley.

"No, I've heard about this drug Harley gave me, and I'm sure there are laws against that," agreed Joker. "It ain't gonna do any permanent damage, is it? Y'know…down there."

"What drug?" asked Ivy. "You can read the warning signs on the Viagra box the same as I can, J."

"It ain't Viagra!" snapped Joker. "I don't need Viagra! I don't have any problem getting it up under normal circumstances, and I don't need your weird experimental drug to keep guys keen!"

Ivy stared at Harley in astonishment. "You stole the Man Up formula?" she gasped. "When I told you it was still in the testing stages?"

"I…I didn't mean to, Red," stammered Harley. "I just wanted to make this Valentine's Day really special, y'know? And I thought it would be just the thing to keep Mr. J interested in…"

"Do you know what it's going to do to him?" interrupted Ivy. "He's gonna have random boners all day long!"

"And they are long…" began Joker.

"Shut up, J!" snapped Ivy. "I'd better go get the antidote before we go anywhere, or this could be really embarrassing for you…"

She trailed off, smiling slowly. "Yep, really embarrassing," she murmured. "Well, let's head to the gardens. I can't wait to see the look on Batboy's face when he sees what you've got just for him!"

"Bats is gonna be there?" said Joker, beaming. "Lead the way, Weed Lady!"

"Mr. J…Red…no!" called Harley after them. "It's Valentine's Day! I gotta be with puddin'! Mr. J? Red? Aw, nuts!" she cried, racing after them.