You are seventeen when you first meet him.
It was after your first day of high school when the red head approached you, exclaiming loudly about how cool your hair was and asking if your scar was a tattoo. You just looked at him with furrowed brows. This was the first time that anyone has said that about you, and you were a bit perplexed.
"My name is Lavi Bookmen, pleased to meet ya!" He was grinning a lopsided smile and you felt your heart flutter.
"Allen Walker." You said, returning the smile and held out your hand.
He took it with a firm grasp and shook it, and right then you knew without a doubt that you would grow to love him.
You are eighteen and your world comes crashing down.
"Hey Allen, I have to tell you something."
It was the weekend and you were at Lavi's house since Cross was home and you didn't want to deal with his drunken antics.
You scribbled something down in your Chemistry notes and glanced up at him. "What?"
"So, you know Tyki? The Advanced Literature teacher?"He asked, eyes darting around the room nervously.
"Yeah, what about him?" You were skimming through a paragraph in your text book when you suddenly went stiff.
"We're dating."
You couldn't breathe for a moment and whipped your head around to stare at him.
"What?"
Lavi looked away, face red.
"I asked him out and he said yes. We're dating now."
You felt like screaming, or crying, mostly you wanted to do both. But you put on a smile instead.
"Just don't let the school administration find out."
When you got home that night you didn't eat, just went upstairs to your room and curled into a ball on your bed and let the tears finally flow.
A week later you cough up a blue rose petal into your hand and you stare.
Inhaling sharply, you crush the petal in your fist and throw it into the bin beside your bed.
It's Kanda who finds out first.
You are in Geometry when your chest seizes up and you clamp a hand over your mouth. Standing up abruptly from your desk, you rush out the door and to the restrooms. You could hear the shout of your teacher as you locked yourself into the nearest stall and throw up petals into the toilet.
Your lungs ache for air as you heave what feels like an eternity before you cough up a few more petals and you can finally breathe again.
You sit with your head resting on the cool porcelain, taking deep breathes to calm yourself.
"Beansprout?"
Shit. You were startled by Kanda's voice, body tense and you quickly flushed the toilet to get rid of the evidence.
Standing up on shaky legs, you opened the stall door to find Kanda standing outside of it with his arms crossed and face pissed.
"What in the hell did you run out for?" He growled, and you glared.
"None of your business, BaKanda."You hissed and moved to go past him but he grabbed your arm, stopping you. "What the fuck Kanda, let go－" you stopped when you noticed what he was looking at.
On the floor of the stall were blue rose petals and you froze. In your haste to flush the toilet, you didn't bother to look at the floor when your opened the door.
"Who is it?" He asked, eyes narrowing.
"No one, it's fucking no one you damn twat!" Yanking your arm out of his grip, you sprint past him and out into the hallway.
You leave school and don't go back.
Cross doesn't bother to ask why you haven't been to school nor does he ask why you've been holing yourself in your room. For once you are glad that he doesn't care.
Ever since Kanda found out, you've received many texts from him as well as a dozen missed calls from Lenalee and Lavi asking what was wrong.
1 missed text from:Kanda
U little shit what the fuck, do u understand that u r literally dying
1 missed text from:Kanda
Fucking answer me
1 missed text from Kanda:
U know what, i don't care go ahead and fucking die you asshole
1 missed text from Lenalee
Hey, where are you? You left pretty early, are you alright?
1 missed text from Lenalee
Allen, what's wrong?
1 missed text from Lenalee
Allen, please answer me, I'm worried about you.
1 missed text from Lenalee
Allen, tell me what's wrong, Lavi and I are worried sick about you. Even Kanda's worried about you.
1 missed text from Lenalee
Allen, Kanda told me. I know you're freaked out about it but you need to get help before it's too late. Please. We can't lose you Allen, you're very important to us.
1 missed text from Lenalee
I'm coming over.
You can't bring yourself to look at Lavi's messages.
You hear knocking on the front door from downstairs but you don't answer, you can't answer. You can't let her see you like this, like some pitiful creature suffering from something so stupid. You don't hear the front door open or the sound of footsteps coming up the stairs and into your room.
But you do hear the soft gasp from Lenalee when she see's the dozen of scattered rose petals on your bed spilling onto the floor. Most of the petals have dried blood on them and you wish you'd have locked your door. "Oh sweetie," Lenalee whispered horrified, hand covering her mouth and tears falling down her face.
You curl in tighter around yourself and let out a whimper then shaky sobs escape and suddenly you're crying too. You are breathing too quickly and can feel the painful pricks of thorns scraping against your lungs making awful wheezing noises come out of your mouth and to make it worse you start to cough.
Lenalee is beside you in an instant, hand rubbing soothing circles into your back and her other hand gripping your shoulder tightly. She begins to hum some song and rubbing your back until you begin to stop coughing and your sobs become soft hiccups as you gasp for breath.
She wraps you in a hug and pulls you close to her.
"Who is it?" She said softly, so softly that you wouldn't have heard her if you weren't hugging.
A few tears trickle down your cheeks.
"It's Lavi."
Lenalee tells you to get the surgery before it gets any worse than it already is.
You tell her you will after you confess to Lavi how you feel, despite knowing the pain that he doesn't love you the way you love him. You have to let him know.
You're not going to try and guilt trip him into breaking up with Tyki, you couldn't ever tear them apart like that. Especially since Lavi loves him so much.
You call the Hospital to make an appointment for the surgery (Lenalee making sure you did before she left to go home before her curfew) within the next three days. Which means you have three days to tell Lavi before time runs out and your feelings are taken away.
You thumb hovers over Lavi's number for a good five minutes before you chicken out and turn off your phone.
You don't call him that night or the next.
You feel stupid for waiting until the day before your surgery to do it.
More petals than ever litter the floor of your room and breathing now is difficult than it was before.
You muster up the courage to dial his number and sit anxiously.
It rings twice before Lavi answers.
"Allen! Oh my god, are you alright? I've been worried sick about you!" You hear the relief in his voice and feel horrible.
"I'm sorry. I've just been...sick." You answer weakly.
You hear someone murmur something in the background and Lavi reply something incoherent but you can immediately tell it's Tyki who's talking.
"Yeah, it's Allen," Lavi says before addressing you. "Mikk says you have a lot of homework to make up when you come back from school."
You don't even know if you'll ever be going back to school.
"I need to tell you something," You say shakily.
There's a pause.
"What?" Lavi asks, weary.
You inhale a deep breath and you tell him everything.
You hear the phone clatter to the floor and Lavi swearing as he picks it up again.
"I－you know I love you as a friend but I can't return your feelings－"
"I know," you breathe shakily. "I know."
You feel the thorns prickling and you struggle not to wheeze.
"I just needed to tell you. It would be unfair for you to not know the reason behind getting surgery."
The line is silent. For a moment you think he might have hung up but there's a sniffle and you realize he's trying not to cry.
"I'm sorry. I'm really sorry, Allen." He whispers and your heart clenches.
"I know." You reply. "Don't blame yourself, it's not your fault. Promise me you won't blame yourself if something happens."
"But－"
"Promise." You press and he quietly agrees.
You both say your goodbyes after a few more minutes and you lay your phone on the bed.
You feel as though you're suffocating and you begin to heave up blue rose petals, your throat burning with the strain of it.
The doctor says you have less than a 2% chance of making it through the surgery. With the addition of the thorns and the flower, things aren't looking so well.
You tell him it's alright and he looks at you with sad eyes as you ask him not to tell your friends.
He nods but tell you to say your goodbyes before he takes you in for surgery.
Lenalee is crying, when the doctor let's them come in. Kanda has a weird look on his face and tell you that Lavi wasn't coming, you lower your head.
You were expecting this, you understood that he didn't want see you in this state and you were glad.
Lenalee gives you a long hug, whispering that you have to live. You say nothing, because if you talk right now it'll be sobs. You hug her back just as tightly before she backs away and heads out of the room.
You look at Kanda and he stares at the blood pressure monitor.
"You better get better Beansprout, I'm tired of taking notes for you." Is all he says and he walks out of the room.
You knew that he was expecting you to make it through.
The doctor says it's time and you are rolled out of the room in a wheel chair. You pass Lenalee and Kanda, your eyes meet.
"I'll see you guys later." Your voice cracked.
You knew you wouldn't.
The doctors and nurses are only twenty minutes into the surgery before your blood pressure rapidly starts to drop and they all scurry to about to try and stabilize you.
But you flat line and they're unable to revive you.
Kanda consoles a crying Lenalee as the Doctor apologizes for their loss.
Cross almost doesn't go to the funeral a few days later.
But Anita convinces him too and he helps lower the casket into the grave.
Kanda is another pallbearer to lower the casket and he wishes that the Beansprout would just pop open the door and say it's all a prank, that he didn't die but he knows that won't happen.
All of the staff members and students from his school are there and most of them are crying and others are staring at the ground because they can't bear to see their precious classmate get buried six feet under.
Lenalee is bawling and her brother wraps an arm around her and she cries into his shoulder.
The preacher begins talking after the helpers are finished and the people have tossed their flowers into his casket. He blesses Allen's soul in heaven and prays for him and his loved ones to find peace.
Just like that he ends it, the helpers shoveling the dirt into the grave until it's filled and he says one last prayer before the funeral is over.
Lavi arrives late, heart heavy and eyes red and puffy from crying. Tyki is with him and squeezes his hand to try and reassure him. It doesn't.
He has no more tears left to cry and slowly, he walks up to the marble head stones and lays down a single sweet pea branch.
"I'm sorry."