HOW DO YOU MEND A BROKEN SOUL?

LYRIC CREDITS FOR CHAPTER ONE

Broken – lyrics written by Lindsay Haun

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CHAPTER ONE

AWAKENING

BELLA

Wake up to a sunny day... not a cloud up in the sky... and then it start to rain...

My defenses hit the ground... and they shatter all around... so open and exposed...

When you're broken in a million little pieces

And you're tryin'... but you can't hold on anymore...

Every tear... falls down for a reason... when you're broken...

After almost five months lost in the fog of grief that had resulted from Edward's abandonment, I found myself down at La Push with Charlie. It wasn't' the first time he'd attempted to pull me along with him—apprehensive I suppose to leave me unattended in my near catatonic state—but I had always managed to find some way to remain locked up within my grief. I'd drag out my homework; open up another book (preferably anything minus woods of love and romance or characters going by the name of Edward.

I guess I should be grateful that my father finally threatened to send me away to Renee for he finally managed to draw me out of my devastation enough to first draw an emotional response and prompted me to leave my zombie-like state behind me.

Still I was simply living day by day, and I'd agreed to come to come along because that was part of the new deal I had with Charlie—you know—mix and mingle, have social interactions outside the home and school, preferably with people my own age.

If it made him less worried about me, what could it hurt? And at least the prospect of time spent with Billy and Jacob Black beat the cold shoulders of Jessica and Lauren at school., and I really didn't wish to encourage Mike Newton's attentions beyond the current educational necessity.

I know the boy meant well, but Newton could get on my shredded nerves faster than anyone else I knew, and on some level buried deep beneath my unrelenting grief I appreciated his efforts no matter how much he frustrated me. Additionally school was not really conducive to forgetting about HIM. I couldn't eat in the cafeteria without expecting to see the entire Cullen clan sitting at their table. My advanced Biology class was sheer torment.

Anyway, like I said I found myself at La Push, it was raining as usual, but nothing that would daunt Charlie and Billy from hitting the lake with their fishing equipment. Still, I'd carried my backpack and was planning to escape reality yet again if possible. When we first arrived Jacob was out with Quil and Embry, and Billy apologized for his son being late, swearing that Jacob was very excited that we were coming.

It made little difference to me as I curled myself into a corner of the Black's couch and pulled a book from my backpack. I didn't achieve much reading, instead drifting off as the lack of sleep due my recurring nightmares caught up with me. So I drifted off to sleep, open book in my hand.

~*~*~

JACOB

Little girl don't be so blue… I know what you're going through…don't let it beat you up…

Hittin' walls and gettin' scars…Only makes you who you are…

"When you're broken…In a Million little pieces…And your tryin'…But you can't hold on any more…

Every tear… falls down for a reason…When you're broken…"

Our house looked extremely quiet and I'd noted that the boat was gone when we'd drove past the dock. I was afraid that maybe she'd decided not to come again. Damn the Cullens, I'd never forgive them for what they'd done to her. I'd defended them against my father's dumb superstitions, and while I didn't believe the legend, they might as well be what my father claimed. They may not have taken her blood like the legends claimed they would, but they still were monsters who'd killed her spirit and left her soul in unrelenting misery.

I would give just about anything to get Eddie boy alone for five minutes, I would make him think twice about toying with another girl like he'd done with Bella, promising her the world and the ripping her dreams out from under her. I'd prove that there was more to being a man than being "Mr Perfect" pretty boy.

And all of these thoughts were before I even set foot inside the house. I went inside and there she was—my heart rate accelerated momentarily at the first sight of her—but then it slowed again as my prior wishes about Edward Cullen magnified tenfold.

Bella had fallen asleep reading and she was hauntingly, achingly beautiful and clearly haunted even in sleep by her memories of Edward, as his name fell easily from her lips. So much pain and longing. So much love in the breathy murmur.

What kind of fool throws a gift like Bella away? I was part of the search party that night, I was there with Sam when he carried her back out of the woods, Bella murmuring Cullen's name over and over incoherently. I'd watched the relief in Charlie's face that she was found physically safe and my Dad and I had watched his devastation over these last months at his helplessness in helping Bella recover from that bastard's desertion. I'd accidentally overheard Charlie talking to my Dad a couple of months back about Bella's nightmares.

I wasn't sure what I could do in the long term, but I could do something about right now. She looked so uncomfortable and the dark circles under her eyes were proof that she wasn't getting proper rest. I could at least make her more comfortable. I mean really, what else could I do? I was barely sixteen, but I'd been head over heels for Bella from the first moment I'd seen her when she'd come back this time. I'd love nothing more than to take her in my arms, kiss away her pain and make her forget a certain family ever existed.

I moved closer, combing a stray lock of hair back from her pale face. I could look at her forever. She looked so tired and maybe a little cold, the skies were clouding up again, and there was always a chill in the air this time of year. I grabbed the patchwork afghan off the back of the couch and sat down beside her, gently easing her toward me, somehow managing not to wake her, settling her head on a throw pillow on my lap and draping the afghan around her. She mumbled something incoherent and then settled again.

I leaned my head back and closed my eyes as I inhaled the delicious scent of her, and my fingers combed absently through her hair. It wasn't much, but for the moment it was the best I could do.

BELLA

As I drifted toward consciousness I was warm, warmer than I could remember in months, I felt gentle fingers in my hair and I could hear rain falling against the roof. If not for the warmth I could almost believe it was HIM.

I struggled awake, trying to piece together what was so different, and the fact that I was clearly not at home in my bed. I stirred, my eyes fluttering open to ingest my surroundings. A familiar voice sounded very close to me. "Bella? You awake...?"

I sighed, mumbling his name in recognition, "Jacob?"

"Go back to sleep," he said softly, "You obviously need the rest." His fingers stroked through my hair again, and I finally realized my head was in his lap.

I wasn't about to go back to sleep. Jacob Black was the only reason I'd allowed Charlie to drag me out here. Here where there shouldn't be reminders of someone else, because HE wasn't allowed here. I would not look up at my surroundings and expect HIS presence. So, instead of following Jacob's directive, I pushed myself up, with a flush of red to my cheeks at the fact that I was sleeping with my head in his lap and had no recollection of how I got there. I let my embarrassment tumble from my mouth without much forethought, "I'm so sorry, Jacob, how inconsiderate of me to fall asleep like that."

He nodded somberly for just a moment, like he agreed with me wholeheartedly, but then a smile like fresh sunshine burst across his face as he pressed a finger against my lips to silence me. "No Bella, it was inconsiderate of me to keep you waiting. I wasn't offended in the slightest, I've often wondered what you would look like sleeping."

I did a double take, knowing what I did about Jacob and how he'd often hinted at more than just a friendly interest. If Newton had popped up with such a remark I might have slapped him-Newton's persistence despite his relationship with Jessica had been irritating in the extreme, especially when HE was still around.

Mike had, however, since my return from catatonia been no more than friendly and supportive, clearly sensing that I needed my space. Jacob's remark was done almost tongue-in-cheek, not that I didn't think he meant it, but I wasn't offended. "Sorry Jacob, hope you weren't disappointed."

"How could I be disappointed?" he laughed. "I just wish you didn't seem so exhausted. Are the nightmares really that bad?"

I didn't react with too much surprise, "My dad's been talking to your's?"

"Yeah, but my dad doesn't know I've been eavesdropping on his phone calls with Charlie…," his smile faded, concern filling his eyes. "I still don't understand how Cullen could dump you like that. Did he really just walk away?"

"I really don't want to talk about HIM, Jacob. It hurts too much. I thought he… I thought I meant more …. Well… I was a fool… how did he put it? I was just…. just… a distraction." I fell over the words, fighting the tears , the very same tears I'd sworn I'd never shed again.

"A distraction Bella?" Jacob sounded very angry. "You're not a fool. He is—if I had the chance you'd given him, well you could rest assured that I'd never walk away and leave your soul bleeding. What kind of heartless monster does that to someone?"

MONSTER. Those were HIS terms too. Over and over HE'D warned me that he would hurt me and all along I thought he was talking about physically. I never thought that mental anguish could be worse. HIS abandonment of me was worse than the brutal agony burning through my battered, broken body from the venom of the bite I'd received from James combined with all my other vampire induced injuries. If HE could just walk away from me like he'd done, why had he bothered saving me in the first place

After the attack by James all I'd wanted to do was succumb to the pain, for death to take me, but the voice of my angel kept me hanging on, HIS voice begging me not leave HIM. I'd held on for HIM. But when HE left me behind my pleas had fallen on deaf ears. He'd ripped out my heart, and left my self-esteem in shreds.

Bella didn't exist without Edward-but apparently Edward could do just fine without me. Well, enough self-pity, enough selfishness. I'd had a life before HIM I'd just have to find it again… I couldn't let HIM take my life away from me, despite that fact that I'd offered my life up to him time and time again. I should have realized he didn't really want me if he wouldn't turn me.

Bright red fury swam before my eyes, and I could hear the fresh concern in Jacob's voice, "Bella—are you okay? I didn't mean to make you angry. I'm sorry."

I met his anxious gaze, reaching up to touch his face. "No Jacob, I'm not okay…yet. But don't apologize for what someone else did to me. I'm not mad at you… for the first time I'm directing my anger where it should go. I'm glad to be able to call you my friend."

Jacob brought his hand up, curling his fingers around my hand. "Anything Bella, I'd do anything for you."