A/N: I'm re-uploading this because it got deleted. The Admins didn't like that I put swearwords in the summary. It's kind of ironic how I just wrote an entire scene of drug use in my other story, Wasted, but this is the one they deleted.
Anyway, no hating on the Admins. They're just doing their job and yes, that summary wasn't very family friendly. When I wrote it, I did worry this would happen. So, I'm sorry , it won't happen again and I changed the summary.
This was written a while ago, right after Sakura tried to join Sasuke's team. Waaay before the war. It had more impact when I originally posted it, but I do think it still follows the timeline. Enjoy (maybe again)!
. . .
Hope
. . .
I hate you.
I fucking hate you.
(Of course, I love you just as much, but that's not the point I'm trying to make here.)
I totally, completely, absolutely, irrevocably, wholeheartedly, without a single doubt hate you. Very fucking much.
You're despicable. You're scum. You're absolute bullshit. You're a dumb, selfish, cruel, idiotic douchebag of an asshole. You're rude, and ruthless, and... And mean! Ha!
I'll momentarily go over the fact that you're incredibly handsome, even when dirty, bloody and completely randy, that I miss you so very much and still wish so desperately to bring you home, just so I can hold you in my arms and give you the love I'm guessing you never (or very rarely) had, and that I feel I could forgive you even after everything you've done because I love you so much (you idiot). I'll go over all that because I fucking hate you.
Let's take a second and make a list of all the things you've ever done to upset (UNDERSTATEMENT) me to this point. We'll start by the ignoring, the insulting, the confidence crushing, the harshness, the rudeness, the total disinterest, and simply the douchebaggery you've shown towards me during our Genin year-and-a-half. Because I'll get back to that at some point in this mental discussion we're having without your knowing or consent of it, I'll just quickly mention The Night, also known as The Bench Happening or That Stupid Night You Stupidly Left Stupid Little Me On A Stupid Bench Without Even Clearly Explaining Why I Was So Stupidly Annoying To You. (TSNYSLSLMOASBWECEWIWSSATY for short. Just so you know, I think you're stupid.)
Then, of course, the complete lack of tact when it came to my love confession(s), the running away, the unwillingness to come back home, the hurting Naruto, the insults yet again, the cold, heartless stares while you were probably killing me in your head, the attacking, the trying to kill me in real life, numerous times at that, and finally, the threats to destroy Konoha (by the way, FAIL, somebody beat you to it). You'll have to admit, those are all pretty infuriating things to do.
However, as I've said before, I'd be ready to forgive you. Really. (Yes, because I love you. Get over yourself.) I wouldn't if you didn't do that little, teeny, tiny thing you always manage to do whenever we meet. Besides making me cry.
There's this really little, almost insignificant (well, to you, anyway) thing you do to me every time you open your fucking (delicious-looking) mouth and spit out harsh-toned words. I don't know why you do it, I don't even know if you're conscious of it. I'm guessing not, because you'd most likely stop if you knew. If you only knew.
What you do is the most infuriating, frustrating (yet wonderful in itself) thing I've ever seen someone do. It grips and tugs at my heart until I can feel it breaking, it pours butterflies in my stomach and makes them catch fire at the same time. It makes me laugh and wail all the same, and I sometimes get to a point where I can't even tell what I'm feeling anymore (is that how it is to you, not feeling anything?). It makes me want to jump around and do cartwheels and then go hide in my room and hang myself in my shower. And yet, I hold on to it like a drowning kid to a freaking lifeboat.
I'm aware that I'm pathetic, thankyouverymuch. But you're the one doing this to me. So stop it!
Stop giving me hope.
Every time you deign utter a sentence in my presence, you end up giving me hope in some sort of twisted, crooked, devious way. Best example, that very soft, very chill-up-the-spine-inducing, very whispered "Thank you" on That Night (TSNYSLSLMOASBWECEWIWSSATY, remember that). Do you have any idea what that said to me, what went on in my head after that?
No, of course you don't. You don't care, anyway.
Well, I'll tell you, just to annoy you (HA!).
That came to me as "Thank you for trying to share my pain, and for caring so much, but I really must leave" or "Thank you for loving me, I love you very much too, deep down inside, but I'm too shy and introvert to openly admit it, and I hope we meet again someday so I can marry you and make sweet love to you so you become the mother of all my children, who will constitute the new Uchiha Clan, just like in all your dreams, and yes I know of your dreams because I'm just awesomely powerful like that". (The first one was the most plausible, of course.) My point being that it didn't bring closure, as you probably wanted. Not to me. Instead, it started me on the idea that maybe, just maybe, you liked me at least a little, and I began hoping for your return just so maybe I'd hear you say it out loud. See how your attempt at breaking our bond worked out? Yeah, not that well.
Then, there was that dude's lair, what's his name again? Ah yes, Orochimaru. That cowardly bastard. When we met there (after two years and a half, and goddamnit were you hot in all your two-and-a-half-year-older glory), you said you wouldn't stop whatever it was you were doing until you killed your brother, Itachi, and properly avenged your clan. There again, perhaps unconsciously again, you implied that you'd come back soon. After all, Itachi wasn't too far away and we all knew you were strong enough to take him down. So, you gave me hope again, that I'd see you walk the streets of Konoha in a matter of days (depending on how long your wounds healed).
And now. Now. I tell you I'll leave Konoha and follow you, no matter what you ask me to do. Of course, my intent was to kill you once I had the opportunity, but instead of pushing me away, you... sort of agreed. Not entirely, but you did say that if I killed that red-haired girl lying on the ground (who is she anyway? Does she really deserve to die?), you'd let me go with you. And that gave me hope, hope that maybe you were a little bit more of that boy I knew years ago, hope that you'd finally let me in, and hope that you finally, finally valued me as worthy of your time, which I'd been waiting for since the first day I saw you (and was completely ignored).
As I lie in Naruto's arms, surprise and disbelief oozing out of my pores, watching you without your Sharingan, surrounded by your original team, just as taken aback as we are by Captain Dramatic Timing's arrival, I feel hope again, like the stupid little lovesick girl I am.
I'm here and I'm hoping. I'm hoping for change, a change of heart, of events. I'm hoping for both Naruto and you to come out alive of this battle (because of course you're going to fight, you're Sasuke and Naruto, for crying out loud), and Kakashi-sensei too. I'm hoping for you to realise how much of an ass you've been these past years and stop pushing us away.
I'm here and I have hope. Because of you, I have hope.
And I fucking hate you for it, because I know hope's not going to help us out here.
Unless, of course...
...
Naaaaah. I don't think that'll happen.
So I'll just fucking hate you.
(And fucking love you, too.)
. . .
A/N: And this came up while I was babysitting. I'm currently asking myself some serious questions.
Partially based on the lovely songs Ignorance and Brick By Boring Brick by Paramore, All You Need Is Love by The Beatles and I Hate Everyone by Get Set Go.
Amazing weather in Canada, over the past few days. Of course, Montreal isn't hosting the Olympics, so the weather here isn't as important as over in BC, but still. I'll probably lose the use of my feet by the end of the season.
Has your country won any medals? Tell me in a review!