A/N: Why, hello again. I know, I know, I should be working on my other stories, but I just had to write this! Did you know that today–June 4th, 2012–marks the day that 9 has been out for 999 days? Yeah, I know I'm crazy. Well, I was bored writing serious stuff, so I had to take a chance and write my first AU/Crack-fic. Well, I don't know how insane this is going to get. It's just human sized-stitchpunks in the modern day world. Well, enjoy.

Happy 9-Aversary!

The morning had started as most of them did, grey and dull, with a long line for the oh-so slow coffee machine. 7 suppressed an enormous yawn and stretched out her arms. She sighed and looked around. Everyone was chilling in the front room—except for 9.

"Hey, does anyone know where 9 is?" she finally asked, mainly just to break the awkward silence that was usually filled by 9's voice.

As if to answer her question, 9 walked in, looking a little bit giddier than usual. "Does anyone know what day it is?" he asked loudly, so as to alert all the others of his presence. However, he was greeted by a roomful of blank stares. As if he couldn't contain it anymore, he burst yelling, "It's my 999 day anniversary!"

5 blinked once or twice into his mug of coffee. "You don't say…" he mumbled.

"I know, it's hard to believe it's been almost a thousand days since my movie came out!" 9 happily cried again, gripping the back of the white couch where the twins and 6 sat.

The twins didn't have a need for coffee; they had enough energy on their own, but this morning, they were busy looking at political jokes in a magazine.

6 was slurping noisily from a juice box (he wasn't allowed to have coffee ever since "the incident") but also didn't seem too interested in 9's words. He was still in his usual dreamy and abstract state, but too busy making sure that he got every last drop out of the tiny box to draw.

The other five were either in line or gathered around the coffee machine, eager to get their morning boost that kept them going for the day.

"And," 9 continued, his voice building with each word, "To celebrate, I bought us all tickets to see our movie! In theaters! Later today!" He hyperactively waved a wad of tickets high in the air above his head.

"Why, that's… delightful, dear boy…" 2 tried to manage a smile, but failed. His coffee hadn't quite taken effect yet. "I suppose that will be a grand way… to spend our afternoon…"

"Seeing that blasted film once was enough for a lifetime," 1 snapped. Oddly, he seemed to have more energy that most of them, probably just because he was so angry towards 9. "But of course, we had to see it again."

"And again, and again, and again," 9 continued for the leader. "We watched it 752 times so far. I can't wait to see it again, though!"

8 only grunted. Throughout the past thousand days, he'd remained passive, not really revealing much emotion on how he felt about the film. However, he was like this about many things. Maybe he was just too magnet-drunk to care.

"Well, it's your day, 9," 7 stated. "We'll come watch it with you. What time is it showing at?"

9 squinted at the tickets. "It's at… 4:30 PM." He glanced over at the clock, which read 6:56 AM. His jaw dropped open. "What? Only nine and a half hours 'til it starts! All the good seats will be taken! Let's go!"

He sprinted out to the van the 'punks had rented for he week. It was just about the only car big enough to hold all of them. 1 insisted on driving, but 7 was convinced he didn't know his way around town good enough, and it ended with 1 in the driver's seat, and 7 riding shotgun.

Behind, there were three rows of three seats. 5, 9 and 2 sat on the front row, the twins and 6 in the second row, and 8 taking up the entire back row.

The ride was long and rough. The entire time, 7 was screaming into 1's ear. Mainly, it was things like, "I told you to turn left at the last stop sign, you moron! Left is that way! Do you even know where we're going? You should've let me drive! What the—this is someone's driveway! No, that doesn't classify as a shortcut. Well, turn around, then! You're making this harder than it needs to be!"

The others tried their best to block out 7's cries. 2 immersed 5 in a deep conversation about mathematics and weather, and 9 turned around to see what the twins were doing.

Every few minutes, he'd hear a chuckle from 6, but whenever he turned around, the three of them blinked innocently up at him. This continued, and 9 began to feel like a dork, turning around and staring at them so much, so he tried to distract himself by reading a pamphlet on some travel insurance company.

Partway through the drive, 8's thunderous snores began to reverberate through the van. How he managed to fall asleep with all the noise and his mug of coffee was a mystery, but no one dared question it. Hands down, 8 was much kinder when he was asleep than when he was awake.

9 got tired of reading the travel pamphlet after the fifth time and chucked it out the window onto the highway. He looked over at 2 and 5 (who'd finished their conversation moments ago) and simply asked, "20 Questions?"

They played it until the van finally came to a stop in front of what must've been the movie theater. They all ran out, eager to get away from the confines of the van. 9 doubled back to see what the twins and 6 had been doing, and found the back of the first row of seats covered with swirling black designs. He couldn't help but groan. "You guys, this was a rental."

The twins shrugged, and 6 continued to smile, not knowing what a rental was. He happily asked, "Are we getting popcorn?"

1 groaned. "I suppose so."

When they entered, the snack line was humongous! 1 snapped his fingers, summoning 8, who proceeded to body-slam the person at the back of the line. This caused a domino-like effect, and the entire line was toppled momentarily. The 'punks took their rightful place at the front of the line as the humans struggled to pick themselves up.

1 ordered them each a small popcorn (which was really no more than three kernels each) but strictly told them: No sugary drinks. He said they ruined your mind and stained your fabric.

However, while 1 was ordering for the group, 6 had slinked off to another cashier. "Could I get an extra extra extra large popcorn with butter, and some sour patch kids? Oh, oh, and a bag of Skittles?"

The cashier stared at him funny for a moment before ringing in his order and handing him his snacks. The triple-extra large popcorn was bigger than his whole body (and cost a fortune, too) so they had to wheel it out on a forklift.

6's face lit up when he saw the huge popcorn coming towards him. He couldn't help himself; he dove in headfirst and began swimming through the buttery goodness. He hadn't a care in the world; all that existed was him and the popcorn.

However, he was snapped to his senses by 9's sharp voice. "6!" The stripy one poked his head out of the popcorn sheepishly. 9 continued, "I can't believe you'd do this… without me!"

9 dove in, as well; the two 'punks swam around until 1 commanded them to get out. It turns out that triple-extra large popcorns cost $1500, so they had to send it back, now, a combo of butter and stitchpunk flavored.

However, 9 had managed to slip 6's Sour Patch Kids and Skittles into his chest before 1 noticed the sugar.

Of course (since they were still nine hours early for the movie) they weren't allowed in the theater. They all sat down on the floor.

9 sat near the twins and 6. He produced from his chest 6's snacks and a bottle of Coke. If there was one thing 1 hated, it was Coke. He was convinced it degraded their brains, and he was strictly Pepsi. 9, however, had managed to smuggle it in.

He pried the cap off, and the four of them savored the fizzing sound that fresh pop made when you opened it. 9 ripped open the Sour Patch Kids and Skittles, and poured half of each bag into the bottle.

Looking carefully at the twins, he said, "You see, kids, the trick is to let them dissolve. Then, you get the greatest burst of sugar possible. Some shaking will help, though." 9 proceeded to rapidly shake the bottle up and down, causing the candies to dissolve faster.

Once he was sure it was thoroughly dissolved, he held it above his head, angled downwards, and popped the top off.

The stream of extremely carbonated liquid shot straight into his mouth, most of it dribbling out the sides and spilling onto his chest. After he choked the entire bottle down, he stated, "Ta da!"

The twins and 6 applauded, loving all of 9's sugar related antics. But, their thrill was short lived.

They began to find other ways to pass the time, like chucking Sour Patch Kids at passers-by. Unfortunately, someone told security about a "band of rogue rag dolls throwing candy." A muscly security guy barged over and snatched the bag right out of 6's hands.

The little stripy one began to bawl, since he lost his candy. This happened to draw attention to the group again, people staring. 9 tried to calm him down, make him laugh, shut his mouth, but nothing changed it. He was beginning to get desperate as 6's cries became louder and louder.

5 rolled his eyes. "Amateurs," he scoffed, then simply produced his iPod from his chest and handed it to 6.

The little one stopped wailing instantly, and snatched the iPod out of 5's hand. 5 looked smugly at the others. He'd always been the one to stop 6's tears.

After fussing around aimlessly, 6 set up a game of Truth or Dare for the nine of them. 6 shook up the iPod, and 2's number was the first to show up.

"All right, 2," 6 called. "Which do you want, truth or dare?"

"… I'll take a truth," 2 replied.

"Do you have any scars or interesting marks?" 6 read. "You get bonus points for showing."

"Well, there's my arm…" And 2 went off on a long story about how he got all his scars.

6, eager to move on again, shook the iPod.

3 came up next. "Ok, 3," 6 held the iPod over to him. "Truth or dare?"

3 replied by clicking the dare button. He couldn't help but silently laugh as he read the dare.

"What is it?" 9 asked eagerly.

"It says "Close your eyes and reach around 'til you feel someone's nose!" 6 exclaimed.

"Small glitch," 7 pointed out. "We don't have noses!"

"He can go find someone else's nose!" 9 yelled.

3 wandered blindly into the crowd of people, groping blindly around until his hand came in contact with some stranger's nose. His eyes popped open and he punched the air in triumph.

6 shuffled it, and 3 came up again! "Which one this time?" he asked.

3 pressed the truth button, and read, "Can you cook anything?"

He thought for a moment. Does microwaving macaroni and cheese count? he asked. Cause other than that, I can't cook anything.

"All righty, 5, it's your turn next," 6 stated. "Which will you take?"

Still freaked out by 3's dare, 5 stuttered, "I-I think I'll take a truth."

"If you lost your sense of smell but could still smell three things, what would they be?" 6 recited.

5 thought for a moment. "Buttered popcorn, 7's vanilla-chocolate hand cream, and green-apple Lysol."

"9's turn!" 6 exclaimed, after some thorough shaking. "What'll it be?"

"I think I'll take a dare," he replied.

"Open dare!" 6 happily read. "9 goes away and we all think of a dare for him!"

9 obliged and turned away, and the twins, 5, 7 and 9 all huddled up. "I think we should get him to hop around singing the national anthem," 7 suggested.

They welcomed 9 back and 7 told him his dare. You see, when you're leaving the movie theater, the only thing weirder than a human-sized burlap-covered rag doll is seeing a human-sized burlap-covered rag doll hopping around singing the national anthem.

After he was done, 6 decreed that it was his turn! He decided to take a dare, and got "Do a cartwheel." He stood and tried to do his best cartwheel, but fell down in mid-turn. He leapt up cheerfully, saying, "Ta da!"

He shook it, and it was his turn again! He chose truth this time. He got an open truth, and left while the others discussed it. They finally settled on one, and when he came back in, they could hardly conceal their laughter. "Which male player has the best legs?" 7 asked him, fighting back giggles.

"Me," he simply answered before taking the iPod from her and shaking it was clear he hand't understood the question.

When he saw who it selected, he chuckled. "This'll be good," he grinned. "It's 8's turn."

He took a dare, and got, "Choose someone to blow a raspberry on you. They choose where."

No one could conceal their fits of laughter anymore, and he finally picked the twins. They raspberried him on his big fat belly, laughing the whole time.

Finally, it was 7's turn. She took a dare (no surprise there) and was relieved when she got "Do ten sit-ups." This was an easy feat for her, and once she started, she couldn't stop! Everyone chuckled at how perfectly her dare fit her.

Once she'd stopped, the game went on. 4 got "If you were forced to eat a hamster, how would you cook it?" and simply replied, Deep fried and dipped in gravy.

The game continued on for a few hours; every once in a while, a really crazy dare would come up. This led to laughs from all (except for 1) and passed the time easily. One of the randomest ones received was for 5 to "serenade someone with the ABC song." Since he refused to do it to another of the stitchpunks, he ended up singing to a random girl passing by. She took one look at him before slapping him in the face and storming off.

7 arched her back off the wall, yawning. "My butt hurts," she angrily stated. "When's this movie starting?"

9 squinted at his watch. "Um… about six and a half hours left."

7 groaned and fell back against the wall. She looked over at 2, who'd gotten out his E-Reader. "Wha'cha reading?"

"I'm reading IQ 84," 2 simply answered.

"Which is…?"

"Some crazy Japanese novel," 2 answered.

"Can I see?" 7 asked.

2 shook his head, and 7 sighed, "Ok."

6 had fallen asleep sometime in the past, and was now gently snoring. "He has the exact right idea," 9 stated. "We should sleep on it!" He let his head fall back and was instantly asleep.

- "9! 9, wake up!"

Someone was shaking him violently. He lazily opened one eye. "Whuh…"

"The line's moving!" 7 cried.

9 leapt up, wide awake. They all grabbed their candies and whatever else they needed and ran to keep up with the line. In the past six hours, many more people had arrived.

"Run!" 9 yelled. "Before all the good seats are taken!"

They shoved their way past other people and took the nine best seats in the theater, in the exact middle.

The theater slowly filled, and people quietly talked amongst themselves, even when the pre-show started.

When and advertisement for The Source appeared on screen, 6 leapt up, hollering, "THE SOURCE!"

9 crossed his legs and loudly slurped from his neighbor's sprite. She narrowed her eyes. "Do I know you?"

9 smiled sheepishly and said, "Probably not. Thanks for the soda, though."

However, there was no shame in his eyes when 6 stretched over 9 and grabbed a handful of the girl's popcorn. He shoved it in his mouth, little bits of popcorn falling out onto 9's lap. "Mmm… buttery," he whispered.

The girl narrowed her eyes and scooted over a seat, muttering under her breath, "Jackass."

6 indignantly pouted. "Well, that wasn't very nice!"

9 rolled his eyes. "Humans. I tell ya, the lot of them are just like that."

The pre-show was boring as ever. Commercials for the same old movies. And then, the lighting dims.

9 began to gasp excitedly. "The movie's starting, everyone! We're all gonna see my movie!"

Someone loudly shushed him from behind. He took his seat again and hung his head a bit in shame.

The second the Scientist came onto the screen, 6 squeaked, "Daddy?" then bursted into tears.

9 elbowed 7 in the gut. "Is that one me?" he loudly whispered, pointing at the Scientist.

7 rolled her eyes, looking slightly amused. "No, 9, that's the Scientist."

9 sat back down in his seat. "Oh. I see."

When the Scientist held up 9's limp body, 9 leapt to his feet and onto his chair and yelled, "That one is me!" He looked down at 7 for reassurance. "Right?"

7 sighed. "Yes, that one's you."

9 pumped his fist at his victory, then slumped back into his chair, putting his feet up on the chair in front of him. The little boy sitting in the chair stared up at 9's coppery feet.

"Mummy, the man behind me is crazy," he complained to his mother.

His mother glared back at 9. "Look away, Johnny."

They all regained enough sense to remain silent soon enough. But when the Cat Beast leapt onto the screen, an ear-piercing shriek rang out through the theater.

7 narrowed her eyes. "Really, 5? Really?"

5, to be honest, was mortally terrified. "But it's so scary!"

9 suddenly leapt up on his chair, pointing to the screen. "LOOK OVER THERE!" he hollered at the top of his lungs. "Look at the hole in the can! Did you see the bit of burlap there, did you? That was how I hurt my arm."

2 chuckled slightly. "Yes, 9, we all know."

Wait, wait... hold it... 3 and 4 held up their iPhones and instantaneously shot pictures of the Cat Beast. Perfect! This is so going on Stitchbook!

6 looked over at them. "What's a stitchbook?"

Well, it's a social media website–

"SHHHH!" 1 loudly shushed. "I'm trying to get some sleep."

9 kicked his chair. "Just 'cause this is my movie doesn't mean you have to ignore it!"

7 elbowed 9. "Shut up, ok? I'm trying to watch the movie."

9 sunk lower into his seat. 7 was really scary when she was mad. He decided to take her advice (for a change) and maybe lay off the comments for a little while.

7, pleased with 9's progress, turned her attention to 5. She doubled back. "What are you doing?"

Well, 7, 5 was smiling like and idiot, hands clasped in front of him. "Here comes the best part..." he whispered excitedly. "OOOOOOH, I can't wait!"

"Wha..." 7 trailed off as 5 grabbed her arm and shook her violently.

"IT'S ME! YAY!" He froze in mid exclamation. "Oh, wait. This is a boring part."

6 squinted at the screen. "5, why did you look through a telescope?"

5 shrugged. "Well, I actually thought it was a kaleidoscope, because I kept seeing all this colorfulness, but then it turned out I was having a migraine."

"Oh," 6 quietly stated. He didn't know what a migraine was. It almost sounded like sandpaper! "Ok then."

9 suddenly slammed his foot down, standing angrily. He shook his head, slowly (but loudly) saying, "Shameful."

2 eyed the audience of annoyed 9-fans carefully. "9, I'd sit down if I were you..."

9 whirled to face 2. "No, I WILL NOT sit down! Because everyone in this theater needs to know, I AM COLD!"

There were a series of annoyed groans, followed by someone throwing their popcorn at 9. He lashed out and caught it, smiling and waving while yelling, "THANK YOU!"

6 hugged onto 5's arm, riveted. "When am I gonna be in this movie?"

5 petted his head. "You were all ready in it once, 6. Remember, the throne room?"

6 crossed his arms and pouted like a child. "I wanna bigger part."

"Maybe if there's a sequel–"

"No, 'cause I died!"

"Shhh," 2 quietly shushed the two boys. "We're just getting to my favorite part!"

5 raised a brow. "But 2, this is where you die."

2 chuckled. "Exactly! Isn't it..." he trailed off, checking over his shoulders before leaping to his feet and screaming, "SMASHING!"

7 dug her fingers into the arm of her chair. "Yes, 2, we all know about your love of... that word. Now could you please SIT DOWN?"

2 sat down, smiling. "Nothing like a good smashing to liven up the old matinee, eh 5?"

5 looked shyly at his feet. "Sure, 2." He didn't like all the attention being drawn to them.

3 elbowed 4, pointing silently at 8. He's asleep, the elder flashed, producing a purple magic marker from his backpack. Let's draw on him!

"Hey, hey 5, look!" 6 pointed up at the Fabrication Machine. "It's my bestie!"

"Really, 6, you don't say," 5 rolled his eye a bit in annoyance. During Truth or Dare, the twins had dared 6 to say that everything he feared was his bestie. It was working pretty well so far, since he'd mention it for 8, the Cat Beast, the quote-unquote "Big Needle" that 5 had used to repair 9, 7, the map, and now, the Fabrication Machine.

9 stood up again, waving the empty popcorn bag in the air. "Thanks again to whoever donated this lovely popcorn," he yelled. "But, it was a little soggy… it sort of tasted like arsenic. Oh, man…" He clutched his stomach feverishly before passing out.

7 laughed, elbowing 5. "9 got poisoned! That's what he gets for eating random popcorn."

6 looked up from his spot on the ground where he was stuffing his face with floor-popcorn. "Wha?"

"WHAT WILL IT TAKE FOR YOU DINGBATS TO BE QUIET?" 1 hollered, leaping up.

7 pretended to consider this. "Well, I would quite enjoy some lime Orange Crush, with a hot dog on the side–" 1 grumbled something under his breath that sounded surprisingly like "blasted female won't ever shut her big mouth."

5 sighed. "I could go for some Chinese food right now."

"Really," 9 asked nonchalantly, retrieving the handbag from the girl sitting next to him. "That's a shocker." He fished out a pocket book and read aloud, "June 4, watch random doll movie." He turned indignantly to her. "That's not very nice! It has a name, you know." She only scoffed. In returned, 9 threw the pocket book at the screen.

"Hey," 7 stated, an idea forming in her mind. "That looks fun!" She grabbed her diet water and threw it at the screen, spilling it all over the movie.

6 grinned dementedly, suddenly producing a vial of ink from behind his back. "FUN!" he hollered, sending the black liquid onto the screen.

The nine of them (excluding 1) began throwing whatever they could find at the screen. Some of the more memorable items were a fish, a dictionary, 6, half a bologna sandwich and a flaming bottle.

When the screen burst into flame, everyone in the theater turned to face 5, who looked very suspicious, standing with his arms still out.

"Nice going, 5," 7 stated as the fire began to lick away at the rest of the theater. "Now we're gonna have to be evacuated."

All the humans began to flee, madly scrambling towards the one tiny exit. 2 sighed. "Well, I guess that's that. Come on, all, let's go."

"6, it's time to leave," 7 told the stripy one. "Or else you're gonna get burnt. You don't want that, do you?"

"Just a minute," 6 gathered up a huge armful of floor popcorn. "Ok, we can go."

They all fled, the fire still raging, the alarm blaring in their ears. Once outside of the theater, two mean-looking security guards filed through the people, questioning them. The girl that had been sitting next to 9 pointed toward them, while saying something that looked an awful lot like "It was their fault."

"Ok, time to go," 1 stated, rushing off. The security guards followed the group in hot pursuit.

"Come on, " 5 stated, wringing his hands. "We can't let them catch us… Can we hurry up?"

"Excuse me, sir," one of the guards yelled. "We have to ask you some–"

7 whirled around, bottle of coke in hand. "Eat this!" She popped about fifteen Mentos in the top, replaced the lid and chucked the bottle to the two men. "Now run!"

The nine of them piled into their oversize van just in time to see the entire theater explode in a wave of coke and fire. "Good timing," 2 sighed. "I only wish we would've gotten to see more of that beloved film…"

9 grinned. "They're showing it again for the 9999 day anniversary, too! We should line up now!" The others groaned, and 9 laughed. "Just kidding."