A/N: Watching this scene my boyfriend told me that he believes, Sawyer doesn't feel the pain. I think he's wrong, I think he has a different motivation for not stopping Sayid and Jack and, well, here it is. / I've not even finished the first season, so if later something arises that proofs my characterisation shit, I'm sorry ;)

Chapter One: Hollow Inside

Sawyer woke up for a reason he didn't even know. For a second he couldn't remember where he was. Then he recognised the man standing in front of him. Sayid. Yeah, right. He was still on this fucking island.

He saw the lips of the Iraqi moving, but the words didn't get to his mind.

In the next moment something hit his head and everything went black.

A splash of cold water helped Sawyer regaining consciousness. He blinked. And had to realize he was on his knees and tied to a tree. His shoulders didn't hurt, so he couldn't have blacked out for long. He shook his head to get the wet hair away from his eyes.

And looked for the second time today directly at Sayid. He could definitely think of nicer views but it seems like he wasn't in the position to complain. And there were also worse sights, he had to admit.

Thinking of the little... conversation he and Jack had in the cave, he already knew this was going to be about the inhalers. Why else should someone here tie him to a tree? Well, maybe because he was an asshole, but that wouldn't be Sayid's style.

"Well, ain't you the brave one, jumping a guy while he's napping." He stated, just to see what would happen.

Of course, he could tell them that he didn't have the inhalers, but, well, he was curious what the Iraqi was going to do in order to make him speak. A second later he spotted Jack a little bit behind. As a reflex action he smiled without meaning it. Now, this was going to be really entertaining.

"Uh-oh, I'm in trouble now, ain't I?" He was pretty sure that they'd hurt him. Well, he didn't care. In fact, he was looking forward to it.

Jack came closer and crouched down beside him. Of course, the hero had at least to try to ask nicely. And of course, the whole thing was about the inhalers.

The grin faded from his face, he was already preparing for the pain that would surely come soon - in what form ever. Jack's words didn't scare him. He'd almost laughed. They'd stop - what exactly? They hadn't even started yet.

"Stop what, Chico?"

He followed Jack's glance at Sayid who held some rather unpleasant looking, wooden spikes in his hands. That would be interesting. He was wondering what they were going to do to him. He just hoped Sayid would do whatever torture was waiting for him. He wouldn't give the doctor the satisfaction to make him scream. And telling from the looks on their faces, he would scream. But until that happened he, again, had to suppress a bitter laugh at Jack's words.

"It doesn't have to be this way." As if. They had started the thing, so they would damn sure have to end it. Sawyer wanted to see what they had planned.

"Yeah, it does." They wanted him to tell them where he had the inhalers he hadn't? Here we go.

Jack stood back and Sayid took his place.

"We do not have bamboo in Iraq, although we do have something similar - reeds. But their effect is the same when the shoots are inserted underneath the fingernails." Finally they were getting to something. That definitely did sound everything but nice. At least he knew what was waiting for him now. Still he couldn't resist provoking Sayid.

"You know what I think, Ali. I think you've never actually tortured anybody in your life." Maybe it was self-destructive. Maybe he was kind of mad. He knew he was wrong and just wanted to see what reaction this was going to arise. He looked closely at Sayid's face and didn't miss the little change in his expression. He couldn't tell exactly what it meant - was it sadness? - but his eyes didn't leave the Iraqi's during his answer. If the bamboo spikes hadn't been indication enough he knew at least now this was going to hurt. It was going to hurt so badly. He could just tell them he hadn't got the inhalers, maybe they'd believe him. But he stayed quiet.

He kept his eyes on the ground while Sayid went around him, knelt behind his back, and grabbed one of Sawyers hands. It could have been a surprisingly pleasant feeling, if there hadn't been the bamboo spikes. It was impossible for him to see what was going on behind him so the first pang almost made him scream. He had known that this would be excruciating, but it was even worse than he'd expected.

As the first shock was gone, he had almost smiled. He had seldom felt so alive. It fucking hurt. It was fucking great.

He had needed this. Sometimes he needed some pain, some hate to remind himself who he had become. Sometimes the letter wasn't enough anymore to show him consistently how disgusting he was. How disgusting he had become.

"That's it? That's all you got? Splinters? No wonder they kicked your ass in the Gulf..." Again, he couldn't keep himself from provoking Sayid - and was immediately rewarded. The bamboo was driven further and further under his fingernails and he couldn't help screaming. Part of his mind was wondering how far they where from the beach, how many people would hear him. The other part was occupied with processing the pain. He knew he deserved it. Maybe this was the reason why he always acted like an asshole, no matter what. He needed the hate. He needed to punish himself over and over again for what he'd done. Not that he would ever admit it...

Suddenly the doctor stopped the torture. Couldn't he hear him screaming like this? Couldn't he stand knowing that he had agreed with what was happening here? Did Saint Jack feel a stab of conscience?

He felt Sayid standing up again behind him. The bamboo had been removed, the sharp pain had ceased to a dull one. A second or two passed as he was trying to breathe again.

"No. Don't stop now." He could hear himself how desperate he sounded.

"I think my sinuses are clearing." He added hastily.

They shouldn't think he enjoyed this. No one should ever know how sick, how insane he actually was. They would only feel sympathy or compassion for him and he certainly didn't want that. That didn't help him. He was a fucking asshole that had ruined more than one family, so they could as well treat him like this.

"What the hell is wrong with you?" Jack asked.

Well, that was the question, wasn't it? There was no doubt that something was wrong with him. For example the fact, that he hadn't felt better since a quite nice time. The hollowness inside him was gone. Only for a moment, he knew, unless he could draw out the torture a little longer, but it was gone. The hollowness where once everything had been, that had made him who he was, the little boy writing a letter he'd never hand over to the man it was addressed to. It had gone long ago and all it had left was Sawyer.

Sayid stood next to him now. He had grabbed a handful of Sawyer's sandy hair and jerked his head back. A nice little pain shot through his body again. The blade of Sayid's knife - surely Locke had given it to him - came closer to his cheek.

"Perhaps losing an eye would loosen your tongue?" The Iraqi asked.

Now, that would be a step too far, he decided. He needed his eyes a little too much to let one being cut out just for inhalers he didn't even have. Though - the cool metal pressing against his skin did not feel too bad.

"Okay!" He shouted. "Okay."

He felt somehow relieved when the sharp tip of the knife didn't leave his cheek instantly. God, what a freak he was. For a second he had actually wondered how it might feel to loose an eye, but especially on a lonely island you better not risk an eye for a little pain - let alone out of curiosity.

He felt Sayid's breath at the top of his head, he had to be almost touching his hair. Sawyer couldn't see him as he looked up.

"Where is it?" He could almost feel the Iraqi's lips moving. The back of his head was still pressed against his chest. And something inside his brain decided Not bad.

For a second he thought about telling Sayid he didn't have the inhalers, but the he remembered his deal with Kate. Oh, yeah, he had wanted to annoy the doctor.

"The only person I'll tell is her." He first glanced at Sayid, then looked over to Jack, who had already figured out who he meant. Does it bother you, Doc? He had smiled hadn't there still been the knife in his face threatening to cut him.

"Kate?" Jack asked. As if he didn't know.

"That's the deal."

oOo

Sayid had taken the blade away from Sawyers cheek after a couple of extra seconds. Then both, Jack and Sayid, had left the clearing. A few minutes had passed until Kate had stepped into sight. Obviously she hadn't told the men about their deal and as a result not waited somewhere near in case he'd prove stubborn. Too bad, he'd hoped she might tell Jack. Would have been fun. But there would be enough opportunities to make him find out.

He had gotten his kiss, nothing special. He more wanted to annoy Jack than to actually kiss her. But it had been quite nice nevertheless.

After he had told her, that didn't have and never had the inhalers she had punched him. But again, nothing special. Especially not if compared to the pain Sayid had inflicted to him minutes ago.

He had heard them arguing not too far away - Sayid's voice was quite unmistakeable - but he had unfortunately been unable to understand what they'd said. Only seconds later, while he had just achieved to loosen the bonds around his wrists, Sayid came storming onto the clearing, Locke's knife gripped tight. He had hastily untied the rope and managed to push the knife away from him and its owner on his back on the ground. A little struggle had followed as no one was able to overpower the other until suddenly a sharp pain had erupted from his right upper arm. Sayid had fucking stabbed him.

The doctor had pulled out the knife - part of Sawyer had wondered why he had done this before having something to stop the bleeding - and sent the Iraqi getting his things from the cave.

He had struggled most of the time while Jack had done whatever he had done - he only knew it had been painful.

Some time had passed until he was able to think straight again. He looked up at Jack, who was still holding him down together with Kate.

"Let go. I know you want to." He said quietly. Seriously, he wouldn't mind if they'd just let him die. He wasn't afraid of death, he hadn't been for a quite long time. There was just nothing he feared to leave, nothing he left behind. Nothing that held him in life. And given their current situation they would all die here sooner or later.

"Shut up. And stop moving." Jack demanded.

He didn't listen, kept moving, and started talking again. He just couldn't stop provoking the oh so great Jack.

"You've been waiting for this, haven't you? Now you get to be the hero again, because that's what you do - fix everything up all nice." His eyes moved away to Kate. "Tell him to let go, Freckles. We already made out, what else I got to live for?" The way Jack suddenly turned his gaze away from the bleeding arm to the woman was fabulous and he had almost smiled. You hadn't expected this, had you? Sawyer's eyes returned to the doctor.

"Hey, Jack, there's something you should know - if the tables were turned, I'd watch you die." He wasn't quite sure if he'd really done it, but for tables weren't turned he could just say so. Just to let Jack know how much he detested him.

To bad he didn't stay conscious long enough to see the reaction - the second after he'd said the last word, he blacked out.