Amazing
a numb3rs song-fic
by elessar 73
Disclaimer: I do not own the song or the TV-Show ´numb3rs´
there were times in my life
when I was going insane
tryin´to walk through
the pain
when I lost my grips
and I hit the floor
yeah I thought I could leave
but couldn´t get out the door
I was so sick and tired
of living´a lie
I was wishing that I
would die....
Charlie couldn´t stand it anymore, he had tried his best to assure his brother from the accuracy of his results, but Don hadn´t been listen to him.
Four years of a very succesfull collaboration and lots of improvement in their personal realationship meant nothing.
Don refused to listen to Charlie´s thoughts, called them crazy and had left him in a hurry.
The other agents who catched part of the scence dropped their heads, looking very busy at anything possible, avoing the brothers, pretending to be deaf.
Charlie stood in the breaking room, abandoned and set his jaw stubbornly.
`Okay, when Don thought he could make it on his own fine- he didn´t need his brother and his FBI-problems.
He had his own life, his own work at CalSci, so what...´I could do without him.´-Charlie only fooled himself, deepinside he knew how much he needed his brother.
He shut down his computer and headed for the door.
In a rush he reached the elevator, stepped in and pushed the buttom for the 1st floor.
He wasn´t aware of the glance Don threw his way saying ´Sorry.´
Charlie was gone and Don felt bad, this wasn´t a fine move, but he couldn´t change it anymore. The words were said, the demage was done.
He would fix it later, somehow he would find a way to make it up to Charlie.
Don sat down at his desk and started working, there were still a few traces he had to follow and hopefully something would show up, there must be a clue, that would lead them to the kidnappers..
He looked at the file his brother had given him,including possibly hiding places and ignored it.
The places were impossibly....unlikely...
He was a trained agent who could trust his gut feeling, it had never failed him, right?
But somehow he wasn´t sure anymore.
He ignored his unsteady feeling stubbornly and faced his computer.
In the meantime Charlie reached the hall and crossed it without noticing Megan,David and Colby, his brother´s co-workers.
Megan called his name, but Charlie didn´t react, didn´t hear, he was so caught up in his thoughts, there was no room for anything else.
The three of them gazed at him with concern, noticing his furious look and decided to leave him alone.
There was definitly something going on, maybe a break in their case.
They were going to ask Don about the development.
Charlie drove home, he entered his house and found it abandoned and silent.
His father wasn´t there, he was on a trip to San Diego with his partner Stan.
The silence was strange and somehow dangerous. It surrounded him completley and gave his dark thoughts place to grow.
Charlie dropped on the sofa and laid his head down on a cushion.
He was so tired.
He had worked for almost two days and nights on that search-algorithm without getting much sleep and Don just said:" No.".
His thoughts were whirling, he wanted them to stop, but he couldn´t make them go away.
He always wanted his brother to be proud of him, he fought for every little bit of inclination, wanted Don to say ´I love you´,just once.
Therefore Charlie would have done everything, but in the end he failed.
Sometimes he seemed to be close, Don slightly touched his arm or said something like good work, but that was it.
Charlie never got what he wanted, what he needed to go on.
And today he had reached his breaking point.
Don had refused to even listen and send him away.
Suddenly he felt like a child again, unable to manage his life.
He was down, had lost his grips of life and had hit the floor.
This all must stop....´I couldn´t go on like this, it must stop, maybe the best thing would be to leave forever.´
His first coherent thought, since he had left the FBI-building, hit him hard....was that the answer, all his pain and fear would disappear, he could be free.
No more struggeling for his brother´s love, no more...no more what?
He could get rid of everything.
Slowly he came back to a sitting position, that was it, he just had to do it.
His uncertainty was gone, he knew what he had to do.
Driven by determination he got up, entered the kitchen to grab a bottle of beer from the fridge and finally climbed the stairs to his bedroom.
He entered his room, aware of this was the last time he would see all of this.
He looked around and his glance felt on a picture of his mother and him, sitting at the koi pond.
It was taken a half year before she died and the signs of her horrible illness were clearly evident on her face.
But her smile was still genuine and so was his.
It seemed like the both had forgotten the reality and the fact, that death was creeping just around the corner.
At that point Charlie was still full of hope, he believed in his mother´s strength to fight of death, he needed her so much, needed her more than anyone else, she was the only one who understood him.
She couldn´t die, but he was wrong. His mother lost the battle and he couldn´t do nothing about it.
In fact, he failed her, he left her alone, he couldn´t watch her die.
He hid in the garage doing his maths.
And Don was the only person who could reach him in that state of mind.
He dragged him out of the garage, away from his chalkboard and back into life after their mom´s death.
He thought Don loved him, cared about him and tried at least to understand him, but he was wrong.
Don just played along.
And Charlie couldn´t even blame him, it was always him who assumed that they loved each other, Don never told him.
A tear rolled down his cheek, his dark brown eyes filled with grief.
`I can´t make it without you, mom...I´m just not strong enough...I love you.´
With that he reached out his hand and touched the picture of his mother gentle.
´See you soon...´.
Finally Charlie´s eyes moved on to find a picture of his dad, surrounded by his two boys.
A five year old Charlie sat on his father´s lab, looking absent-minded into the camera, a faint smile on his face.
And a ten year old Donnie stood there, carrying his baseball bat like a sword, proud and brave like a knight, looking up to his father.
Alan glaced at him with proud in his eyes.
If you could say so, Donnie always was Alan´s favorite son, of course he loved Charlie too, but had a hard time dealing with Charlie´s extraordinary mind.
Alan and Don spend hours watching baseball together, something Charlie never enjoyed.
At that time Alan and Don were very close,still they are.
Today Alan and Charlie came along very well, they even lived together, they loved each other.
But Charlie was pretty sure that his dad could handle his disapperance with Don´s help.
He was caught up in his sadness, didn´t realize how much his father really cared about him,loved beeing arround him.
He was surrounded by dark clouds absorbing every positive thought that maybe able to save him.
He had to go.
Slowly he turned to the door, stepped into the floor and headed for the bathroom.
He was pretty sure that he could find some sleeping pills in there.
His father had get a prescription for them after his wife´s death, but he refused to take them.
So they must still be there.
He opened the medicine cabinet and grapped the pill container with slightly shaking hands, he felt unsure, but just for a moment, in a wave the hurt his brother had caused returned and he tightened his grip.
There was just one solution.
The pills in one hand, the bottle of beer in the other he walked into his brother´s old bedroom, assimilated the scent of his big brother.
He felt silent tears falling down.
Charlie dropped down on Don´s bed, poured out the pills in his hand, counted 12 , and gulped them down with a big swig of beer.
Suddenly he felt nausea rising, he fought to keep the pills down, swallowed hard and than he felt a warm sensation flooding through his body, dragging him down and away from the hurt and pain.
He tilted over, and caught a last glance of his brother´s face, smiling at him from a picture, situated on the nightstand.
´I´m sorry´and with that he drifted into sleep...near death.
That one last shot´s
a Permanent Vacatin
and how high can you fly
with broken wings?
Life´s a journey
not a destination
and I just can´t tell
just what tomorrow brings
Megan, David and Colby entered the bullpen, they were curious about finding out what had had Charlie left in such a hurry.
They found Don brooding in the war room.
He had just received a call, that L.A.P.D. had found the kidnappers and the victim.
Though this were good news, they left a bitter taste, because they were found in a place Charlie had figured out.
While Don had ignored Charlie´s results, Lt. Walker decided to give them a try; with success.
Now Don was frustated, didn´t know how he could fix had defenitly no idea.
The three agents stepped in, taking in the scene saying nothing, waiting for Don to make the first move.
Since Don didn´t react, Megan decided that she couldn´t stand it any longer, she wanted to know what was going on.
"Hey, Don, what´s up?"
Don, who hadn´t noticed his co-worker startled by the sound of Megan voice.
" Wow, I´m sorry Don, I didn´t mean to shock you."
Don fought for composure, tried to push his sinister thoughts away.
" Nash..it´s alright."
The three agents didn´t look convinced and waited for Don to carry on.
Don finally found his voice and faced them, sadness shown clearly in his eyes.
There was defenitly something wrong.
"Our case is solved."
"Wow, that is amazing, did Charlie´s algorithm find something?",Colby asked furious, his blue eyes shining.
The words hit Don like a sledgehammer, Colby would always trust Charlie, always believed in his maths, but he hadn´t.
"Yeah, he found something, but I ignored his results, they seemed so unlikely,I..a gosh, I screwed up, send Charlie away."
Megan, David and Colby stood there, their mouth dropped open, unable to comprehend what was going on.
" Since the case is solved, you finally must have found your faith back in Charlie, so everything is okay, right",David tried to cheer upthe situation.
Don shifted uncomfortable in his seat, he didn´t want to talk about that, he needed to find Charlie to make it up to him, but he realized, that his friends have a right to know what was going on.
So he continued:" No I haven´t, it was Lt. Walker´s team who found the hostage and the kidnappers."
The words made theit point, it seemed unbelievable. But they didn´t say a word, they wanted Don to continue.
He finally did:" Well, somehow I could´t believe Charlie´s results this time, I could´t say why, it just felt wrong, I didn´t know, what was going on in my head.
Fortunately somebody listened to Charlie." Don´s words dripped with sarcasm.
With that Don rose from his seat, and turned for the door.
His friends stared at him speakless, trying to understand what just had happen.
Again it was Megan who found her voive first,:" So an apology seemed appropriate." She clapped Don on the shoulder and turned for her desk, facing at least two hours of paperwork.
David did the same, but Colby felt the need of saying something,:" Charlie will understand Don, everything will turn out fine, he can´t be angry for always. He loves you and will forgive you."
Don looked stunned, he never thought of Colby as a sensible man.
He nodded in agreement, felt the hope rising, that Colby was right.
He left the breakroom, crossed the bullpen and caught an elevatore-ride down.
Colby had to face his own nightmares, the paperwork.
Don reached his SUV, thought about where to go, he needed to find Charlie.
Where would Charlie go, there were two possibly places CalSci or home.
He considered the option and decided to go to the Craftman´s house.
He climbed in the car and turned the ignition and headed home.
The drive seemed endless, giving him a lot of time to come to grips with what he had done.
He couldn´t hardly recall, why he had react this way, Charlie had done nothing wrong, indeed he had done his best, like always, to come up with a solution and
he was, like most of the time, successful. ´Damn it´, why couldn´t Don turn back the time, he would never forget the sorrow in Charlie´s eyes, as he chucked him out. He hit the steering-wheel with his hand.´I´m sorry buddy.´
Don was determind to fix it, come what may, he would take everything Charlie throw at him, he deserved it, but after that Don would get his chance to tell him, that he loved him, that he needed him by his side.
Don stepped harder on the gas,tried to increase the speed. Suddenly he was impatient to get home.
An odd feeling had setteled in his stomach, everything must be okay.
But I just couldn´t listen
to all that righteous talk
Finally Don reached Charlie´s house and a smile appeared on his face as he noticed his brother´s car standing in the driveway.
So Charlie was home, or at least in the garage,the place where he used to turn, when he was upset or felt the need to think or be alone.
He opened the front door, calling out Charlie´s name. But everything remained silent, which wasn´t at least believed that he would find Charlie in the garage, engaged in a math problem.
On his way out, he stopped by the refrigerator, grabbed two bottles of beer and headed for the garage.
Over a beer the situation will turned out much smoother, especially when Don thought about the effect the alcohol would have on Charlie.
By the thought of it Don´s smile grew.
He reached the garage, but he couldn´t hear anything, that was disturbing and concern creept in his mind.
At least he should hear the sound of chalk scribbling on a board.
He remembered his brother working feverish on a math problem after their mother´s death.
P vs. NP-Don hadn´t had an idea what that was about, but it had absorbed Charlie completly and had left him weak and broken.
But there was always this scratching sound of chalk, and no matter how hard it was to see Charlie that way, this sound ment -Charlie was alive.
But this silent was odd, Don´s heart skipped a beat, there was something wrong, he knew for sure.
With fear of what to find in the garage he opened the door, holding hhis breath while he did so and stepped into darkness.
For god´s sake, Charlie wasn´t even there.
His breath left him in a wush,he turned on the light and took a look around, but found nothing, so Charlie must be in the house.
Careless he let the bottles of beer drop to the floor.
He turned on his heels and rushed back to the house.
Since Charlie wasn´t downstairs, he had to be on the 1st floor.
He raced up the stairs to his brother´s bedroom, didn´t bother to knock on the door and stepped in, to find again nothing.
He must be here, Don called out Charlie´s name, again, no answer:" Oh come on Charlie, I´m here to apologize, give me a try."
Nothing; Don felt panic rising, in a rush he started his search.
His father´s room and the bathroom were empty.
Thoughts played through Don´s mind,had he hurt Charlie that bad, that he would do something stupid?
He couldn´t imagine that, okay Charlie was always a little sensitive and his good heart had often caused him a lot of pain, but he was never in danger of committing suicide.
No Don couldn´t allow himself to think that he caused such a reaction he couldn´t go on, he could never look his father in the eyes again.
His heart was beating fast, he grapped the doorknob of his old bedroom, the fear ran through his body, with shaking hands he opened the door.
´Damn it Eppes, everything will be alright, there´s nothing to fear about, Charlie just played you, for what you done, so take it easy.´
He tried to soothe himself, but wasn´t very successful.
On wobbling legs he entered the room.
The picture of his brother lying there, absolut silent, hit him like a bat.
Charlie laid on his belly,the face turned left and a mob of unruly hair covered most of his face.
But what Don could see looked almost transulent,bloodless,lifeless.
Charlie´s right arm propped on the nightstand, his hand seemed to reach out to touch the picture standing there.
Don couldn´t move, this couldn´t be true, Charlie would never leave him, not this way.
After a few secondes Don´s FBI-instincts kicked in and he took in the scene to find a pill container lying on the ground, empty.
With a start he lost his numbness and he rushed to Charlie´s side, reaching out a hand, searching a pulse.
"Charlie, oh my god, what have you done? What have I done." His voice was just a whisper. He got hold of Charlie´s wrist and sighted with relief as he felt a pulse, faint but it was there, steady.
"Thank god...come on buddy you gotta move,no time for sleeping jet."
He grapped Charlie´s shoulders and tried to bring him to his feet.
I was out on the street
just tryin´ to survive
scratchin´to stay
alive
By now Don´s tears were on the loose, covering his face and making it hard for him to see clear.
Somehow he got a hold of Charlie and brought him to a more or less standing position.
His arms tight around his brother´s chest he dragged him to the door, fearful hoping to make it to the bathroom.
" Come on Charlie, I could use a little help on that one."
A soft moan escaped Charlie´s mouth, it was the best thing Don had ever heard. He looked in Charlie´s face, struggeling to hold tight, as he saw a small movement of the eyes.
" Yeah, that´s good buddy, fight this, open your nice, brown eyes for me,please." His voice was a plea, full with emotions.
And that finally reached Charlie´s fogged mind.
Charlie was moving,that was odd,felt wrong, he was supposed to lie on the bed,sleeping, drifting into an other world...dying.
Somebody dragged at him, extracted him from his sleep, where everything was peaceful and silent.
´And there was a voice´, Charlie noted,it sounded familiar, but he couldn´t make sense out of it, he was tried hard to ignore the sound around him, but he couldn´t stand it for long.
The sound of the voice changed into a plea and with a hit he recognized the voice of his brother Don.
´What, Don was her?´The thought accrued in his hazy mind.
He must know for sure and in an attempt,that took all of the strength Charlie had left, he opened the eyes, well at least he tried.
The eyelids were heavy, but he managed to open them to small slids and saw a blurry vision of his big brother, who was here to save him,like always.
But it felt wrong,´ Don shouldn´t be around, Don didn´t love him, Don didn´t care, so why couldn´t he just let go, like he did a few hours ago in the office? ´ Charlie was unable to think straight, the sleepnig pills had covered his brain with soft white clouds and he wanted it to last, he wanted to lay down again, wanted his peace.
He struggeled hard to break free, started to fight the arms that surrounded him, but he was to weak.
Meanwhile Don had a hard time holding on to Charlie´s body, who had started a hell of a fight to break free.
" Stop it Charlie, I´m here to help, I will not let go, no matter what, try as you may, but this time I hold on....I promise."
Suddenly Charlie´s body got limp, all of his remainig strength was spend. Don stared at him, fear in his eyes.
" No Charlie, not that way."
Don made every effort to get Charlie into the bathroom.
Carefully he lowered him to the ground,leaning his body against the wall for support.
Than he reached for the faucet,therefore he had to let off Charlie. He threw an uncertain glance at him, but he had no choice.
Loosen his grip on his brother he opened the faucet and the cold water streamed into the bathtube.
Without Don by his side to hold him up, Charlie couldn´t sit straight and with a pop he crashed to the floor, hitting his head hard.
" Auah....", escaped his lips and Charlie felt nausea rising, he struggeled to come to his knees.
He started to retch, felt bile in his throat and with a convulsion the pills and beer found their way out again.
By the sound of Charlie´s cry Don turned in a rush, with concern he watched his brother stunned, but just for a second.
He reached Charlie just in time to hold his head up, while he vomited all over the floor.
After minutes of retching without bringing anything out, Charlie was spent, more than he ever thought possible.
He leaned heavy against Don´s chest and Don wrapped his arms around him protectivly.
Don wanted to sit there forever, just holding his brother, feeling that he was alive, that he hasn´t lose him.
But he couldn´t, Charlie had fall asleep again and his face seemed to be paler than before.
Don´s arms still wrapped around Charlie´s chest he brought them both to a standing position.
Charlie swayed on his feet, leaned his head against Don´s shoulder for steadyness.
It was just than, that Don realised the swelling on Charlie´s forehead, his fear started growing again, as he pointed out, that perhaps his brother wasn´t sleeping, but unconscious.
Don clapped Charlie´s cheek,:" Hey, Charlie, please open your eyes for me again."
But he got no repley, the eyes stayed shut.
So there was just one way to know for sure.
Don lifted Charlie´s thin body in his arms and dropped him slowly into the cold water.
A coldness swept over Charlie´s body,snatched him up from his peaceful sleep.
Why couldn´t he just sleep,why couldn´t he find his peace?
He had tried his best to find his way back to silence, after Don had pulled him of, and he almost made it.
And now that, that was unbearable, the cold water drove away his semiconscious state and brought him back to life.
On top of that he felt hands clapping his cheeks and a familiar voice prompted him to open his eyes.
" Come on Charlie, open your eyes, please do me the favour...you can´t leave me, not that way...no way, that I will let you go...I love you."
Don´s voice was thick with emotions and he couldn´t retain the tears that came to his eyes.
The words sank into Charlie´s mind,´Had he heard right? Don loved him?´
He needed confirmation, slowly he opened his eyes,his head was aching, his vision was blurry, he blinked a few times to clear his view.
Charlie took in the figure of his brother sitting on the edge of the bathtube, holding his shoulders,though he wouldn´t dive into the water, his eyes shut.
Charlie was frightened as he saw tears squeezing through the closed lids.
´How could he been so wrong, not seeing how his brother had he done?´
With a great exertion he raised one of his arms and passed lightly over Don´s arm.
Astound Don opened his eyes, finding Charlie awake- brown eyes met brown eyes.
" Hey, buddy." Don couldn´t restain and he embraced his brother, pulled him tight, so happy to have him back.
" You scared the hell out of me, you know that?"
Loosen his grip just a little , so that he could see his brother´s face he continued.
" Never ever do that again, I can´t lose you, I need you, I love you."
There it was again, the three words Charlie had waited to hear his whole life.
And now Don said it,as it was the normalst thing in the world.
Charlie was stunned, so many impressions crashing down on him, his foggy mind couldn´t process all the emotions flooding through him.
´What was he thinking,?´
He felt his own tears streaming down his face, he fought to find his composure.
"I´m sorry, Don."
Charlie´s voice was hoarse, barely a whisper.
Don tightened his grip around Charlie´s chest, he would never let go.
" Don,please let go, I can´t breath."
Charlie´s voice was so low, that Don could barely hear him, he just got ´let go´.
`What? No? He would never let Charlie go.´
Although it seemed impossibly Don pulled Charlie even closer to his chest.
Charlie gasped for air, he couldn´t get enough air in his lungs, his mind got dizzy.
In an last attempt Charlie tried to raise his voice again.
" Don, please, I can´t breath."
The sentence ended in a cough.
Suddenly Don´s brain understood what he did, cutting of Charlie´s air supply.
He let go of him and looked horrified at Charlie.
HIs brother was pale, eyes shut he took in deep breaths and fought to get rid of the dizzyness in his head.
" You´re okay, Charlie? I´m so sorry."
Don´s anxious voice made Charlie opened his eyes.
" Yeah...I´m fine." Charlie tried to soothe his brother.
Don wasn´t convinced and as he realized,that his brother was shaking greatly, he didn´t wait any longer.
" Okay, come on, I help you out."
Charlie still a little breathless, managed to come to his feet and Don grapped his arms to help him out.
Charlie reclined on his brother and on wobbly tlegs he made it to his bedroom.
There he sat down on the bed,freezing in his wet clothes.
Don grapped a towel and laid it around Charlie´s shoulders.
Than he sat down beneath Charlie,silent.
Don finally found his voice.
" Charlie....!", he couldn´t think about what to say, " I´m so sorry, I failed you, I didn´t want to hurt you.."
Charlie was dumb, thought about what to mind was reeling and his aching head made it even harder to think straight, but somehow he found the words, he needed to say.
"You haven´t failed me, you saved me, because of you I´m sitting here,right."
Don dropped his head, he felt ashamed.
" But I have brought you in this situation.."
"Stop it have done nothing wrong...it was all my fault , I didn´t think straight, didn´t understand how much you love me, how much you cared.I was just.." Charlie stopped for a moment, took in a deep breath.
" I was just hurt, because you didn´t listen, I don´t know, it was all too much."
Charlie looked up at Don with his dark brown eyes, sparkeling with emotions, saying more than thousand words.
Don could´t stand it. He pulled his brother close and hugged him, hold him tight.
" I love you, buddy."
Again these words. Charlie felt a warm sensation flooding through him, drove away the coldness of his body and mind-, feeling warm and safe in his brother´s arms.
" I love you, too."
It was amazing......
The end.