Author's Note!: Co-written by GOTHALIE! FEAR OUR SUPERIOR KNOWLEGE!
Other Author's note: Don't listen to her and her misspellings. We are every bit as…um…I can't find the right adjective to put here so I'll just distract you with my hand puppets of DOOM! Well, I doubt you can see them from here, so they are now my invisible hand puppets of DOOM! MWAHAHAAA!
Author's NOTE!: FEAR MY WET COUGH!!!! CHICKEN!! Now, on to other things, like shoes and ships and ceiling wax and CABBAGES AND KINGS! But, really, we're sitting here, it's the middle of the…nighty-morningy thingy and we're eating CAKE!!!! OF DOOM! I'm gonna sing the doom song now! Doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom…
Other author's interruption: Um, Nights in a City, how about we just let them read our story? We worked hard on these "owls", we both took on our characters, a simple NNY and Snape relationship…kinda sorta…a tad one sided if you ask the Snape representative…
Author's Note: Yeah, well, it traumatized MY side…Nny'll never be the same. Really, Snape is SUCH a FLIRT!
Other author's note: I'd think that my Snape owls represent more of a pedophilic-creepy-stalky-conceited soul within our beloved greasy haired friend. Nny, on the other hand, is far too defensive for his own damn good and if…well…there is no if…just trust the newcoming author on this one, okay?
Author's Note!: He's not THAT defens—well, yeah he IS that defensive, but he has his reasons! Edward Scissorhands! YAY!
Other Author's Note: That is a good movie, and since we have stated our opinions of DOOM! No, what I was going to say was our opinions of our respective characters, it's time for you, the reader(s), to form your own opinions.
Author's NOTE!!!: ON TO DA STORY!!! I warn you, some of these are slightly graphic…
………………
Johnny Dearest,
You can certainly rock your body
You sexy beast you
Love
Your secret Admirer cough Snape cough
……………………
Philip...?
Blech!
EWWW
I have a backstreet boys song stuck in my head...
Feel sorry for me!
DO NOT TAUNT THE ALL MIGHTY NNY!
……………………..
You're not all mighty
You're almighty
That's how you spell it hu-NNY bu-NNY
Love,
Your Sevvy Wevvy
……………………
Sevvy Wevvy,
For the last time, it was a one-nighter! I'm NOT INTERESTED!
God, how did you even get my adress?
Yours Truly,
Johnny C. Proud Creator of Happy Noodle Boy
……………..
I don't care how much you deny it
I can see right past those dashingly dark, sometimes trapezoid shaped eyes.
You are digging The Sev.
Yes you are.
You know you are.
lovingly,
The Sev
…………………..
The Sev,
I don't care how much YOU deny it!
It was a ONE NIGHT STAND!
ONE TIME!
FUCK, really!
It was a quicky!
Dear LORD!
STOP SENDING ME OWLS!
It was YEARS AGO!
I was young and foolish!
God, how the fuck do you still remember the color of my eyes!?
Yours truly,
Johnathan C.
PS: Send em one more owl and you DIE!
……………….
Well its very good that I don't know anyone named "em"
Or else I might accidentally owl them and then die
Which would be depressing.
But anyhow
You jest
It was last week
I'm sober enough not to fall for your lovable tricks
And you were quick, not me.
But I came back anyway.
Intriguingly yours,
I am Smex
…………………
It wasn't last week!
God DAMN YOU
YOU JACKASS! THERE NEVER HAS BEEN AND NEVER WILL BE ANYTHING BETWEEN US!
FUCK YOU!
Johnny The HOMICIDAL MANIAC!!!!!!
Z?
……………………
You jest
I promised myself I would never reveal this
Alas
I shall for you 3
I slipped a few drops of Tempus Amnesia in the cognac
You weren't even in the magical world years ago
Only two weeks ago
There is no excuse
You are and forever will be my hu-NNY bu-NNY
Adoringly yours,
Smexerus
…………………….
I refuse to believe you!
NEVER!
You're disgusting!
EWWWWW
You make me squirm with icky-ness!
I am not your hu-NNY bu-NNY and I NEVER WILL BE!!!1!!!
Get over it!
We are not meant to be! We never were!
You admitted it yourself! I was drunk!
I don't hold my liquor very well!
NOW STOP OWLING ME!
You disgusting excuse for a human!
You make me sick!
Johnathan C. loves only Devi D.! 4eva and 4always!
…………………………
Nny, Nny, Nny.
Have I taught you nothing?
Never trust your enemies.
However
Trust the Smexy one on the other end of this owl.
Indeed.
Persistently yours forever and ever,
Snape, Snape, Smexerus Snape. (O/A/N: DUMBLEDORE! Ron, Ron, Hermione, Ron Weasley, Harry Potter, Harry Potter, OOH, Harry Potter, Harry Potter, YEAH!)
…………………………
If you send me even one more owl, I will personally make sure that you never see any form of light ever again! I only have eyes for one person!
DEVI D.!
I am hers not yours!
You sick twisted man!
You are not, have never, and will never be SMEXY!
I'm the only smexy one here! NEVER YOU!
GAHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!
Now you have me saying that damned word!
It's almost as bad as the W-word!
I'll make you pay!!!!!
JOHNATHAN C. ONLY HAS EYES FOR DEVI D.
and Harry P.
……………………
Silly ni-NNY,
You should know by the near gray complexion of my skin that i don't get out much.
As for Harry,
You shall be mine
Else little Harry will be
Take your pick
It's you or him
You're both smexy enough for me
I take what I can get
……………………………
Fine,
go ahead, take him,
it won't bother me!
Do you really think that I have ever had any feelings for you????
EWWWWWW
That's so icky!
It makes me want to throw up!
Really, for all I care take Harry.
Sure, I love him, but in my eyes, I come first!
You will NEVER get me!
But, maybe you'll get Harry!
The One And Only,
Johnny C.
Proud Creator of Happy Noodle Boy
Z?
…………………….
We'll see how much you care
My lovely Nny
When I carry out your tradition
Before you get the chance to
Take your chances with Smex if you dare
………………………..
Huh what?
……………………….
I know you, Nny.
Anytime you get too close to someone
They die.
Just like Edgar.
Now take your pick.
Save some Nny for me
Or lose your dearest Rry.
That rhymed!
Damn I'm good!
Your wildest fantasy and worst nightmare...AT THE SAME TIME!!!!!
………………………
I'll give up Rry...
……………………..
As you wish
My tenacious and smexy avoider
Don't try and stop me
Because...
Ba dada dum. Da dum. Da dum.
Can't touch this
STOP! Smexy time.
Smevvy
………………….
I never WANTED to touch that!
GOD DAMNIT!
YOU DISGUST ME!
TAKE HARRY AND LEAVE ME ALONEEEEEE!!!!!
BLECH!!!!
See, now you've made me throw up!
Fucking sicko
Johnny.
………………………….
You see, Johnny?
Even when I'm far away I can affect your mood
That shows a deep connection
That was no one night stand.
A one night stand is an end table with a lamp and perhaps an alarm clock on top of it.
What we had was...
Was...
MAGICAL AND SMEXY!!!!!!
You can be magical, I'll be smexy.
……………………….
It WAS a one night stand, you mail stalker!
Please, leave me alone.
Johnny
PS. How about I'm NEITHER!?
………………………
Fine.
You can be neither
and I can be...
hmmm...
Harry's nor Devi's?
In fact,
You should be that whole thing.
Neither Harry's nor Devi's.
I'm perfectly happy being smexy.
And you should be happy that I'm smexy
Otherwise this whole discussion would probably creep you out.
HA!
Imagine that...
I am Smexy, you are neither...HARRY'S NOR DEVI'S!!!!! MWAHAHA! Oh, I'm bad. So bad.
……………………….
DON'T YOU DARE TOUCH A HAIR ON DEVI'S HEAD!
DON'T YOU SEE!?
GOD YOU SICK FUCK!
YOU'RE WORSE THAN THAT FUCKING PEDOPHILE I KILLED!
AND IF I FIND OUT THAT DEVI HAS BEEN WILL BE OR IS HARMED IN ANY WAY, SHAPE OR FORM I WILL KIIIILLLLLL YOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
YOU WILL KNOW NOTHING BUT PAIN FOR THE LAST FEW WEEKS OF YOUR LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!
I BELONG TO DEVI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
NOT YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
………………………..
I never said I would hurt Devi
I only said Harry
But now that you mention it...
She may prove as much better leverage than that infectious brat Potter...
Let's go with that.
Or
You can avoid this whole thing and keep both of your "friends"
And simply add me into the picture!
I will soon be a victim of wizard photo-shop when I am placed in the picture...be sure to paste me in the front so we can all enjoy the smexiness of me...yes, that will do very well. DAMN THESE SIGNATURES ARE LONG!
…………………………….
NEVER!
How's about...
I leave you out of the picture and I give you my boots so you can lick them clean?
Filthy piece of scum!
…………………………….
It fits perfectly though!
You can be Nny
Harry will be Rry
And I shall be...
Be...
VVY!
Perfect!
I can join the two consonants plus a y at the end as a nickname club! (The TCPAYATEAAN for short...well, more like medium length...)
Vvy
………………………..
But that doesn't work!
1. Harry and I can STAND each other's company, while NEITHER of us can stand yours!
2. Harry and I both have messy hair. You have ICKY GREASY HAIR!
3. Neither of us want to have an orgy!
4. Harry and I are both angst filled! You're just GRUMPETY!
Not to mention that there IS NO CLUB! It's just nicknames that we've taken on!
………………………..
In reply to your smexy thoughts...
1) Ask Harry how much he enjoyed my company in February of last year
2) My hair can be messy at times as well, and yours is equally greasy as mine at times.
3) Everyone wants an orgy. EVERYONE.
4) I am SO angst filled! If I were a teenager I would have probably committed suicide by now.
And I don't care. I'm now the third co-founder of the nonexistent TCPAYATEAAN club. Good enough for me.
My black non-greasy angst-filled heart belongs to you 3
………………………..
FINE!
Whatever!
I quit the club!
I'm gonna be happy go lucky!
I'm gonna get a perm!
I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU DID WITH HARRY CAUSE WE DON'T TOUCH EACH OTHER!!!!
AND NO FUCKING ORGIES!!!!
GODDAMN YOU SON OF A BEEATCH!
…………………………
Well just to clarify...
My aunt was Beeatch Prince
My mother was Eileen.
Silly Nny.
Trix, as well as being happy go lucky and perming two greasy tufts of hair, are for kids.
And if you two refuse to touch each other
Just you wait
Harry's got this strange habit of...
Well...
Maybe that was a special Rry-Vvy thing
He can tell you that himself
The receiver of such habits, the all-smexy Vvy
…………………………….
Your mom fucked your aunt and they created you!
AND I'M NOT SILLY!
MY HAIR IS GROWING BACK!!!!!
GRRRR!1!!11!!!!!!!!
WHY WON'T YOU JUST LEAVE ME BE!!!!?????????
I HATE YOU!
And I HATE TRIX!
WHY DO YOU THINK HARRY DOESN'T LIKE BEING TOUCHED!???
IT'S CAUSE YOU TOUCHED HIM!
YOU SICK PEDOPHILE!!!
GAAAHHHH!HJH!H!!
YOU ARE NOT ALL SMEXY!
WE'VE BEEN OVER THAT BEFORE!!!
STOP SENDING ME OWLSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!
STOPPPPPP!P!!!!!P!P!P!!KBKJWDNFO:"ILQ
……………………………
Even someone such as me cannot be born from two women
Silly Ni-NNY
And if you hate me
Why aren't I dead yet?
Huh?
Answer that.
And Harry asked ME, not the other way around
It was HIS habit, not MINE
I didn't want to spoil my good record
But he INSISTED
It's not my fault
Sometimes I think you can't read my script
And you know I'm smexy
You said it yourself
I have proof right here!
This owl has a sound attachment, so listen:
click "you are so BEEP ing smexy" click
Sorry, I must have gotten the censored parchment.
My bad.
I am SO Smexy!!!
………………………………
Dear Professor Severus Snape,
That wasn't his voice.
You know that you just wish it was. But that's okay, we all like to live in our fantasies if only for a little while. We understand. We really do. You posses something that Johnathan shall never have, the ability to admit love. But you don't love Johnny, you just think you do. If you are ever in need of any advice feel free to contact us.
Yours Truly and Sincerely,
Reverend MEAT!
……………………………….
Nice try, Nny. I know that that's still you.
There is no one at Hogwarts named Reverend MEAT
You can't fool me
I love you.
I KNOW you.
Although you have changed your handwriting and now have proper grammar
I can see through your charade
And I appreciate the compliment.
You learned to speak English JUST FOR ME!
Eeeeee hearts galore! 3 3 3
The Giver of Crappy hearts
……………………..
WHAT THE FUCK ARE YU TALKINGF ABOUT!???
that wasn't me!
Rev. MEAT is a plastic bob's burger boy who talks to me!
GAHHHH!!!
Leave me alone!
Please?
I don't know how you think that that's me, it's not!
Please just let me be?PLEASE?
I'll do whatever you want, just please stop owling me and leave me alone!
………………………
Oh dear...I never meant to make you distraught
I only wish you could see
Me and you, and you and me
No matter how we toss the dice
It had to be
The only one for me is you, and you for me,
So angsty togetherrrr...
That wasn't me either
That was a song
And I disagree with your burger boy
I DO love you 3
Serious(ly in love) Black...I MEAN SMEXERUS!!! Gaah... now I'm confusing myself with unimportant one nighters...unlike ours ;-)
………………………
Stop it.
Please.
Just stop.
I have to deal with enough.
Why do you keep this up?
Why?
I told you, I'll do whatever you want.
Just afterwards, leave me alone.
………………………….
I don't mean to depress you. sniff
I just thought...we had something special.
That's why I'm persisting.
I don't want to lose you.
Perhaps I was wrong.
I really wish I could make it up to you.
I do care about you, you know that.
Smexy is my first name, but Sincerity is my middle one...
………………………
You're lying aren't you!
GODDAMNIT!
FUCK YOU!
I'm gonna KILL YOU!
WHAT THE FUCK!
YOU WOULDN'T KNOW SINCERITY IF IT BIT YOU ON THE ASS!
You don't care! You never did!
If you cared so much you wouldn't have persisted!
But NO! You only care for yourself!
You are NOT a Vvy. You are a NOBODY!
NO ONE!!!! You don't matter to me!
And if I mattered so very much to you, you would have stopped the first time I asked!
I HATE YOU!
……………………….
Well then I suppose sniff that you're sincerity…
sniff sniff I thought...BWAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAAAAA!
How could I let this happen?
I don't hate you
I LUVVVVVVV YOOUUUUUUU!!
JOHNNYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!
WAAAAHAHAHAAAAAA!
sniff
Sniffelus, your teary-eyed admirer
PS: If I am nobody, I am perfect. And even in my tears, I AM STILL sniff SMEXYYY!!! WAAH!
……………………..
YOU'RE SO COCKY!
GOD!
REALLY! IT'S LIKE TALKING TO A WALL...I SHOULD KNOW!
REALLY! Come ON! You don't actually expect me to believe that load of bunk, do you?
You're playing me for a fool!
You're nobody to ANYONE!
You're NOT SMEXY!
Never have been!
Good lord, you're hideous! Really!
You are going after me only because when I was wasted I let you take advantage of my body. Just because my body wanted it doesn't mean that I want it!
Now, LEAVE ME ALONE!
…………………………
What does your mind want, then?
You're not the beacon of good looks
You're not exactly nice or forgiving
You talk to walls and non-existent burger boys
You kill people
And you're in split relationships
Between a goth girl and a scarred brat
AND I LOVE YOU ANYWAYS!
That should be enough for you!
sniff WAAH!
I would relinquish my smex for you
I don't think you understand that!
You really may be smexier than me...I CAN ACCEPT THAT!!!!
…………………………
Rev. MEAT EXISTS!!!!!
I'm not meant to be nice or forgiving!
You fucking ass!
I WANT you to DIE!
You're going to have to pardon him, he's trying to become cold, still. As you can see, it's not working very well. It is making him rather irritable.
MEAT LIES!!!
I HATE YOU!
YOU ARE THE REASON I CAN'T DO ANYTHING RIGHT!
YOU'RE FUCKING STALKING ME!!!!!!!
GODDAMNIT!
LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!!
…………………..
So kill me, Nny.
Without you I am nothing.
Not a nobody
Not an ass.
Nothing.
As dead as can be, for you, my Nny.
…………………..
FINE!
I'LL KILL YOU!
GODDAMN YOU TO HELL!
……………………
I don't believe you.
Prove it.
Smex never dies
…………………..
Your name is not Smex.
I will prove it eventually.
But first, I must tell you what happened yesterday.
Yesterday, I went over and appologized to Devi.
After that, hot, make-up smex occured.
As I write this, Devi is helping me to plot your murder.
Yours Truly,
Johnathan
PS. Devi says 'Hi'
…………………..
Hi Devi!
Anyhow...
Smex is an adjective, not a verb
You cannot smex someone
But you can be smexy
Or in my case
Be smex
You have quite a good deal of smex
And I just have to keep telling myself that
My self esteem has suffered enough throughout my life.
I guess smex isn't all it's cracked up to be...
…………………….
You have no smex!
I just said Smex because I didn't want to say the other word!
GRR YOU!
And, yes you CAN smex someone!
But you wouldn't know.
Anyways, Devi thinks that I should just tell Harry to kill you.
Really, she is very supportive of me.
Unlike you.
I know I have a great deal of smex.
But, thank you for that compliment anyways.
Looking forward to watching you SQUIRM in Heaven!!!!
Johnathan and Devi forever and foralways 3
With alittle bitta Harry on the side.
…………………….
I'm not going to heaven
I'm a bad boy
And of course I support you
And I have nothing against you and Devi
At all
And you must admit that I have some smex.
Just a smidge :)
A smidge of smex
………………….
You don't have a smidge!
You don't even have a dash.
You don't support me and Devi!
You want me to yourself.
You you you!
It's ALWAYS about YOU!
When will it be about me!?
What did I do that you get all the attention?
See? Now I'm CRYING!
That's not fair!
………………….
Well sure I want you to myself
Who wouldn't?
But I'm willing to make sacrifices
From this point on I do not care
And everything I'm saying is for you.
What will make you understand that?
Will it help to not call myself Smex?
………………
Maybe...
But NO ORGIES!
I don't DO orgies.
They're nasty. Real, real nasty.
Really, I'm willing to put this whole thing behind us...
Respond soon, my love.
Johnny
PS. I Love you
…………………
I have waited so long to hear...wait...
Please tell me you're not joking
My heart can't take it if you are.
I trust you though.
And no orgies.
I can live with that easily.
Happy is my other middle name
……………………..
Aw, why would I be joking?
Vvy, I love you...
Don't you trust me?
I'm YOUR Nny.
I even killed Devi.
Love and such,
Johnny Your Love
…………………
You DID?
Oh my...
Nny!
I will never doubt you again!
Your everlasting Vvy
…………………..
Yes, I did.
But, I must inform you that I feel...unworthy of your love.
Of anyone's love. That is why I have decided that it would be for the best if I were to kill myself.
Goodbye, my love,
Johnny
………………..
WHAT?
Nny, listen to me.
If anyone deserves my love
It's you.
Don't do anything drastic
PLEASE!
You were my first in over a year!
PLE-E-EASE! Don't do it Nny! I beg of you!
If this owl reaches you before you do it
LISTEN!!!
PLEASE DON'T!
NNYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!
Vvy loves you...PLEASE DON'T DIE!!!
……………………
Now, we know what you must be thinking, 'OH EM GEE, Like, Johnny, TOTALLY killed himself!' but, we have to inform you, it was but an elaborate hoax.
Johnny tried to thwart the tenacious Sev with intimidation, which failed miserably. He also attempted submissive action, which also failed miserably. He stopped for a midday snack of chicken, but that wasn't helpful to him at all. He finally decided that the only way to rid himself of the pestilent potions master was to trick him into thinking that he committed suicide.
Of course, he was going to actually do it at first and just annoy Senor Diablo to send him back. But Devi convinced him that that was just totally moronic.
When Johnny sent his final owl, he was sitting in a homemade crop circle on the Hogwarts grounds with both Harry and Devi, each and every one laughing their angsty teen asses off to no end.
But, since Snape is afraid of the sun, he didn't know. To this day, that idiot believes that Johnny killed himself out of love for him. And each year we go to the memorial of his 'death' and giggle into our champagne glasses. Teehee.
The best part of the story? After Johnny's 'death', Snape's self esteem was at an all time high. I mean really! To think that someone much younger and, in his language, smexier, than yourself committed suicide out of love for you, well that's just the biggest morale booster available for sleazy, pedophilic, sun-and-shampoo fearing teachers. He is just as bad as…well…we can't even describe it.
Author's End Note: Well, yeah, anyways…that's pretty much it…we've gotta write the one night stand now. But nothing graphic kiddies. We don't do that…besides, it's sickening enough just thinking about it.
Other Author's End Note: It really is sickening. Truly. Funny as hell, but sickening. Enjoy your fanfiction readings, people. Enjoy.