Keep the lamp burning

Author's Note: A strange piece, that evokes a whole lot of feelings and memories for me. It's slightly based on a story i wrote about a faery child who was taken in by an old woman who lived by the sea. Instead, the old woman became Chihiro and the ageless boy became Haku.

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The wind picks up as I trudge my weary way through the sand dunes, undulating silver sculptures in the moonlight, my thoughts scattering about on the black glass sea like the frothy, white bubbles on the surface of the water. There is an ache in my bones that comes with old age, and the passing of the seasons. But I have lived and my life is full. Sighing, I glance at my silent companion who walks by me faithfully every night. His face is relaxed and peaceful, not much emotion behind his smooth, calm facade. In appearance he is only a boy, not quite a teenager, somewhere in the difficult stages between boyhood and adulthood. Yet, his eyes are ageless, timeless, reflecting an immortality that dances like flame in his deep, sea-green eyes. He has not changed a bit since we first met, and I have grown both in body and spirit. I sigh, thinking about what I have to tell him…

"Haku?"

The boy turns his deep, fathomless eyes to me, a certain emotion tugging up the corners of his mouth.

"Are you truly happy with me…?"

As if he senses my insecurity, he takes my gnarled bony fingers in his, a smooth, white clasp. "Of course Chihiro," he says mildly, pressing my fingers with his. "Why would I not be?"

I sigh again, thinking of the strange existence we have led these past few years. He had come back to me at last when I was already old and fading. His eyes had grieved as I explained the passing of time and the aging process on Earth. He begged me to come back with him to the Spirit World and I had laughed saying I already had one foot in the door… We had sat on the veranda watching the sunset every night, played games and sat holding hands while the world slumbered around us. The few people who also frequented the beach thought he was my grandchild and I was wise enough to let them think they were right.

Again I turn to watch him, his pale, beautiful features sad and somewhat puzzled, his dark green hair blowing softly, obscuring his face. I think that it is a lonely existence for a child, or rather a child spirit god, for that is what he is. Still a child in terms of the Spirit World and yet ageless as a human. I laugh as my thoughts jumble around in my mind.

Haku stops and turns to me, his eyes watchful. "Your spirit is restless tonight," he says in that uncanny way of his. "I fear there is something you are not telling me…"

I stop and look down at his sweet face, my fear resurfacing.

"Haku," I say gently. "You knew this day would come…"

Immediately I regret saying anything at all as tears come unbidden into his eyes and spill unashamedly down his cheeks.

"Oh Haku…" I sigh, gathering him to me.

"But I only just found you." His voice is angry, sorrowful, bitter all at once, more emotions than a boy of twelve would ever show.

"I know…" And this time there are tears on my cheeks.

"Haku… you have to let me go… I cannot stay here forever…"

"Chihiro, I lov-"

"I know," I say somewhat ashamed of his fierce devotion in light of his youthfulness compared to my frailty. In that moment I am awkwardly aware of my aging spots compared to his beauty, my weakness compared to his vitality…

The words are on the tip of my tongue and I wish to the gods I can say them.

I love you too…

But I am too ashamed of my appearance, our differences… my oldness, my frailty…

He stares at me as if he has read my thoughts and says in a fierce whisper. "It is your soul I love, and that remains ageless…"

I look at him and his sweetness melts my heart. I know he is right but I just can't feel it.

"I will come with you." His head is tipped back, and I can see his determinacy etched into his face against the silver of the waves. The world seems to hold its breath as the wind and the salt spray tingle our faces.

"No Haku," I say finally. "This is one journey I must do alone…"

He stares at me in defiance, and there is an unspoken challenge there in his eyes. We stand there silently, watching to see who will break. Finally he looks down and turns away in tears, his face filled with adult fears and darkness… a look so black it's almost painful to see on a child's face.

"Haku, please," I whisper gently. "You know I… love you…" My voice is trembly and I catch a glimpse of the day we first met, a young, vibrant river god hand in hand with a small girl with pink shorts and a ponytail.

He turns, almost absentmindedly and gently presses his cheek to my hand.

"You have already made up your mind…what can I possibly do…?" I hear his voice form afar, soft and almost pleading.

A thought comes to me, random and almost painful as it brings back memories of my parents. "You can keep the lamp on the windowsill burning."

"The lamp…?" His voice is confused and tearful and I almost laugh at the look on his face.

I smile. "It's an old family tradition. When someone passes away, a member of the household leaves a light on in the house, so their spirit will find its way home…"

"So… you will come back to me …"

I sigh sadly. "I honestly don't know Haku. But I promise you, I will never be too far away…"

"Chihiro…" he whispers earnestly into the night and I cling to him; an old lady and a green-haired silver boy, our hair mingling light and dark in the shadowy night, torn apart by forces too strong for us to counter. "I will find you Chihiro. I promise. I will bind my spirit to you… I will come for you…"

I weep silent tears at his fierce devotion.

"I know you will…"

And finally he lets me go and I walk into the waves, not looking back but sensing his pain. And that is the last memory I have of him, my only love, standing ankle-deep in the dark-lit water, his hair obscuring his face.

Goodbye, my love.