Hey everybody! I'm new here, this is my first fic although not my first time reading them. You have no idea how long it's taken me to figure this site out! What is with all the confusing buttons? Or is that just me? Probably, I'm a weirdo! Yah, so please give this a chance because I know some people don't read new author's fics. I won't be able to post stuff regularly, I kinda have a lot going on at the moment! Still, if you like this then please leave a review cause I appreciate them so much! And don't hesitate to PM me or anything if you have any questions about anything! Thanks! Bye! ~Anna xx
Disclaimer: I do not own Rizzoli and Isles, no matter how nice it may be :P
You have no idea what to do.
It's a question that has been swirling around your head ever since he asked: what should I do? It should be easy, right? You should know what you want, you almost always have. Yet this is different. Completely and utterly different. It's not simple as the question of four words makes itself out to be. It really isn't.
It's not a matter of what you want. There's also the matter of your career, of your best-friend, of your family, of your friends. It's not just you who will have to deal with a big change if you say yes. Every time you close your eyes and think about what to do, you see your best-friend's face when you told her, you see how her big brain was trying to analyse what you had just said. How she was trying to make sense of what you were saying. And (even if this seems a little selfish) how this would affect her.
When you were little, you never fantasised about getting married. You thought of it sure, but it was a fleeting thought, occurring once every few months when you saw a picture of a bride and tried to imagine you in a flowing white dress. You thought about it as often as you thought about being a mother, which was just as rare. Yet now you're older, you no longer keep putting it off because one day, you'll run out of time.
Perhaps you already have.
You love him, you really do and your head is screaming marry him and you're not quite sure you want to ignore it. Your heart, however, is telling you something entirely different and the two voices in your head shouting opposite things makes you want to scream or sob into a pillow. Why oh why can't your heart and your head ever work together and say the same thing.
You've never really lived by one or the other. With your job, it's a combination of both that gets you through the day, helps you solve cases and makes you successful. With your personal life, you almost always rule with your head. Your head is safer. It's sensible, logical and much more reliable than your heart. It's much easier to break your heart than it is your head.
Why can't your life ever be simple? Of course, to be fair, your life has not been that tragic or that disturbed. Lots of people have to deal with cheating fathers and overbearing mothers and little brothers who will not stay out of trouble no matter what you do. The only deeply tragic and disturbing thing you have faced is your run-in with a serial killer who you will not even think about his name because bile creeps into your throat otherwise.
And then there's this. This mess of emotions and logic. You can almost hear your biological clock ticking away, counting down the seconds until you have nothing left. Saying no would be so easy, you could almost move on and pretend nothing ever happened. Yet could you really do that? Could you really throw away what could be a perfectly lovely, happy and stable life?
You don't know, and not knowing has never, ever been more terrifying.