Disclaimer:
Guess what?! Fujin, Seifer,
Raijin and any one else I mention from Final Fantasy VIII are not mine!!! They belong to Square. I just took them out
for a test drive… but don't worry I did not make and money off them and
returned them all nice and neat! Oh and
The Once and Future King by T.H. White is not mine either… I don't own a
thing… except my Seifer key chain, but that is not really worth much so please
don't sue me… the lawyer would cost more than the key chain!
Author's note:
This is a little experiment and our first Saifuu, well sort of a
Saifuu, so please give us a review and
tell us what you think!!! Thanks!
Oh! And Thanks
to Megs and the Muse for the edit!!
YOUR GUINEVERE…
By The Pink Apocalypse
It was quiet in our little hotel room in Balamb. The glow of Seifer's reading light gave the
entire room a soft, almost ethereal glow, but I hardly noticed. Staring out the window, I watched the
reflection of the moon dance over the tops of the waves and was content to be
alone with my thoughts. Allowing my eye
to slide closed, I placed my head against the cool glass of the window and
sighed. Behind me, I heard the rustle
of Seifer's coat as he turned the page of his novel. I opened my eye and stared at my reflection in the glass. Against the black back drop of the night, my
silver hair and pale skin stood out starkly causing my image to look more like
that of a ghost than any real creature of flesh and blood. I sighed again, allowing my reflection to be
swallowed in a gray mist when my breath touched the cold windowpane.
How long have we been living like this? I guess time really doesn't seem to matter
any more. Days turn into weeks and
weeks seem like months. It almost feels
like we are stuck here, waiting, in a constant state of anticipation. I keep thinking that if I just keep waiting,
something will happen, but, in my soul, I know nothing will. I think Raijin finally came to that
conclusion, and that was why he had to leave.
He just couldn't be still anymore.
At first, when we came back to this place after Ultimacia's defeat, we were
happy. We had each other, but I guess,
for Seifer, that just wasn't enough. He
had us, true, but he didn't have his dream any more. There was nothing left for him to strive for, so he just waited. Before, when he would read his romantic
stories of kings and queens… and knights, he would recite each tale over and
over, as though it where a prayer, and tell us how one day he would be a knight
- chivalrous and true, like his beloved Lancelot. He would grab Raijin by the arm and tell him how he would be a
hero like the world had never seen. Then, he would turn to me, with his
arrogant little smirk, and add that he would be sure to get the damsel,
too. Now, having lived his dream and
failed, the stories no longer stir his soul.
He just sits there in the corner, curled up on the couch, reading, and
when he finishes one book, he simply picks up another, even though it seems the
words have lost their meaning.
I remember when Raijin left he asked me to come with him. He acted as though our friendship with
Seifer was some type of military service we had enlisted for, and that we had
served our time. He said we had tried
to help Seifer, but that maybe Seifer did not want our help any more. He said that we had given up so much to help
Seifer have his dream, and even though Seifer still clung to it he was done
with it. I said that we had given
Seifer our word and that I was prepared to follow him to the ends of the planet
and Raijin said we already had. I
remember him giving a defeated laugh and saying he was done with Seifer's quest
and Seifer's dreams and that he was ready to live his life. When he left he looked me in the eye and
said, "When ya finally realize there is no Holy Grail, you come find me, ya
know." So he left and I waited. I don't know how long it's been since Raijin
left anymore, but it has been a while.
And every day it seems like Seifer and myself become more and more like
shallow reflections of the people we used to be.
A loud crash shattered my train of thought and I spun around
to see Seifer had knocked over the couch and thrown his book at the wall. Seifer's lamp lay on its side on the floor,
causing odd shadows to stretch across the room. Slowly, I rose to my feet, bracing myself to deal with another of
his outbursts.
"SEIFER," I said moving away from the window, "WRONG?"
"It's not supposed to end like this, Fuu!" he
shrieked. Not quite sure if he were
referring to the events in his own life or the novel he was reading I allowed
my eye to dart over to the book lying limp on the floor. It's tattered cover read The Once and
Future King, another of his tales of Camelot. Still not sure just what he was referring to my ruby eye met his blazing
green eyes as I waited for him to continue.
"The knight is supposed to triumph, rise above everything and
win!" Still confused, I remained silent
and let him speak. He cast his eyes to
the ground for a moment before continuing.
"Guess, what? Camelot crumbles
in this one too!" As he angrily kicked
a pillow at the book I stared at him in shock.
He was acting as though if he read the book again he expected the ending
to change, as though if he thought about it hard enough he could alter the
events of the past.
"CALM. REAL NOT."
" 'Real not,'" he sneered, "Just like my fucking
dream! Oh, yeah Fujin, for a
moment I forgot that you don't give a damn about anything but the practical
shit! What the hell does my broken
dream mean to you? You just sit there
and stare out the window all the time like nothing matters anymore!"
"UNFAIR. UNREASONABLE."
" 'Unreasonable', my ass!
At least I still have fucking feelings! You haven't been the same since
we left Garden!"
"ME? YOU!"
"Oh, blame it on me!
Real mature, Fujin!" he spat, turning my name into a curse. I stood there in shock. What was he talking about? Me, immature? He was the one sitting there trapped in his own little fairy tale
world, reading the same book over and over, as though reading it would bring
back a piece of him that he had lost. I
walked over to him and placed my hand on his shoulder, hoping to give him the
comfort I could not find the words to convey.
Angrily, he shrugged it off. "You don't know what the hell I've been
through!!" he hissed.
"UNDERSTAND"
"No you don't, you
left while the getting was good. You
said I could always count on you and Raijin.
We were a posse!"
"LEFT…. NECESSARY.
NOT SELF!"
"Sure," he said with
venom dripping from his voice.
"RETURNED," I said,
casting my eye to the ground. I was still ashamed for what I did in Lunatic
Pandora, but I thought I had explained myself to him.
"I have nothing! No honor, no dream, and I am sitting in this
shit hole hotel room with no idea where to go next."
"ALIVE!" I shrieked
in annoyance, "You've had your fairy tale, grow up!! You went after your dream… and it didn't work out. You tried.
That was noble, " I looked away from him for a moment, "but you can't
live for a dream forever, or, before you know it, that's all you'll have." I fell silent and waited, hoping for a
response that would never come. He just
stared at me, like I had spoken some sort of sacrilege, like I had dishonored
his religion. Without a word, he
turned his back on me and stormed out the room, slamming the door behind
him.
For a moment, I just
stood there. Silence settled over the
room once more. I cast my gaze over to
Seifer's book, his tattered bible.
Sadly, I knelt down and retrieved it.
I ran my hand over the old cover, worn with years of love. The binding was broken and several pages had
fallen to the ground. For a moment, I
thought wistfully that that old book had received more love over the years from
Seifer than me and Raijin combined.
Despite all that, however, its former glory seemed faded now - like
Seifer's dream.
Wistfully, I opened
the book. As I skimmed over random
pages my attention was drawn to a dog-eared passage about Lancelot:
"But the
curious thing was that under the king-post of keeping faith with himself and
with others, he had a contradictory nature which was far from holy. His word was valuable to him not only
because he was good, but also because he was bad. It is the bad people who need principles to restrain them…one
reason why he fell in love with Guinevere was because the first thing he had
done to her was to hurt her. He might
never have noticed her as a person, if he had not seen the pain in her eyes."
I wondered if that was how he saw himself. A "bad" person in need of a dream to restrain him. Maybe that's why those tales meant so much
to him. He tried so hard, but he felt
in the end none of it ever really mattered.
Doesn't he realize that he is my knight – that he is my Lancelot? Both he and his idol always sought after
something they could never really have.
They pushed themselves to be the best, never realizing that, in striving
for heavenly perfection, they condemned themselves on earth. Seifer tends to forget, in his hero worship,
that even though Lancelot did untold noble deeds he was, in the end, the one
who opened the door to Camelot's ruin with his love of Guienevere. "Traitor Knight", is what they called
Lancelot in the tales and traitor is what they call Seifer still, but both
followed a dream to its end, no matter what price they paid.
Turning back to the window, I lowered the book to my
side. Staring at the moon again, my
thoughts began to wander. It was like
everyone had their place in Seifer's stories.
Squall seemed to me to be an Arthur of sorts, stumbling into a grand
destiny he had never imagined or even wanted.
Rinoa, obviously, played the role of Guinevere, fair princess to be
quested after. But what about Raijin
and me? We had no real place in such a
tale. Maybe that's why Raijin finally left – he finally realized he didn't
fit in Seifer's story.
I walked over to the lamp and picked it up off the floor. Then I tipped the couch back upright. I sat down on the couch and began flipping
though the book again. For some reason,
another passage caught my eye. This
time about Elaine, Lancelot's wife - but not lover:
"Poor
Elaine. You always seem to be nursing
me back from something. You never seem
to have me, except when I am half alive"
"I have you for
good now," she said radiantly.
"Elaine," he said,
"I want to talk to you..."
I let my eyes slip off the page and gently closed the
book. I knew what Lancelot would
say. I did not have to have the tales
memorized like Seifer. Lancelot was
leaving, going back to his shining Camelot to chase his elusive dream; leaving
Elaine alone with her false hopes and broken promises. Whenever Seifer told me these stories he
never spent more than a few sentences on the girl, but, for all of Lancelot's
exploits I have forgotten, I remember the few words he spared for Elaine. She dreamed of nothing but her love for her
knight and in the end he left her for all her troubles. Seifer always said she died of a broken heart
and then, forgetting her and all she suffered for the man she gave her soul to,
Seifer always went on to say how Elaine's death caused so much woe for the
beautiful lovers Lancelot and Guinevere.
For a moment, I almost felt sorry for her.
Stupid. Stupid
girl. To give until there was nothing
left. Stupid to die for love - no,
stupid to die for a love that never existed.
Sighing deeply, I lovingly placed the book back on the shelf and turned
my back to it, allowing my thoughts to turn inward.
I gave my life to pursue Seifer's dream – but I could not do
it any more – I could take no comfort in the fairy tale. I closed my eye for a minute and then
quickly rose and went to my room.
Hastily, I grabbed a bag and threw what little I had into. As I headed to the door I paused and turned
back. I went back over to the bookshelf
and grabbed the book, a pad of paper, and a pen. Reluctantly, I put the pen to the pad and scribbled my
goodbye. Taking a deep breath, I placed
the book on the couch with the note on top that read:
Seifer,
I can't wait for you any more.
I won't be your Elaine, but what I would have given to be your Guinevere…
~Fin~
