Hey!
This is set as a stage production (or skit) as this is what I initially wrote it for. I also performed it in front of 150 school chums for the cultural festival at school. I was the doctor (go figure…). It tends to add to the hilarity if you can imagine the doctor on stage doing this
Anyways, this is just a bit of bizarre fun, or maybe a crack fick (Hee hee)
Enjoy!
Chloe
Mr Smith & Supertemp
DOCTOR dives on stage as if thrown, door offstage slams shut. At the noise, he looks up from the floor and with a shout scrambles up.
Doctor: No, No, NO!
He scrambles towards offstage left.
Doctor: The key's still in there!
A door is rattled and grappled.
Doctor: Oh, come ON!
A few groans are heard before a flustered looking doctor enters stage right, looking up and around at his surroundings. Looks stage left and groans in frustration, grabbing his head in his hands.
Doctor: It wasn't that bad, really! Oh come on, that was nothing compared to the storms you get around the medusa cascade! There were only two dimensions involved with the distortion! And we got out of the void without a scratch!
Under breath
Weeeeeeeeeeell, maybe a bit of distortion in the relative projection…
Flipping time warps!
Paces.
Trust a time storm to upset the TARDIS' mechanics! A Time storm! We can fly through from one end of the space time continuum to the other, squeezing through black holes (and trust me that's quite a squeeze) dodging Daleks and everything else under the stars, but when there's a little drift in the space-time continuum it does a bunk on me!
Honestly, a time storm certainly doesn't warrant this!
Kicked out into… goodness knows where… and look. Great. No screwdriver, TARDIS' locked me out, and I'm lost! The last of the time lords lost!
And… hang on where's Donna?
Yells DONNA! DONNA?
Sighs.
Should be round here somewhere, she can't have been teleported too far…
Looks around
Where is this?
Scoops up some dirt off the floor and tastes it.
Hmm, organic compounds, and… weird! Plutonium and Einsteinium! Both in the first stratospheric layer!
Looks up to the sky.
Brilliant!
Sighs and sits down.
By now my screwdriver could be half way to the Satan's pit for all I know… or worse, it could have been stolen by a Dalek!
Screws up face
Nothing like a Dalek with something sonic to screw up your day…
Donna suddenly enters stage right, looking breathless.
Donna: YOU!
Doctor: Ah, hello Donna! Was wondering when you'd show up!
Donna: looks around
Where the bloody hell have you taken me now? What are we doing here?
Doctor: We got caught up in a time storm somewhere near the asteroid belt-
Donna: sarcastically:
Wait, a time storm? How are you supposed to be able to have a storm in time?
Doctor: People usually think of time as a linear regression of cause to effect, but from a non-linear non-subjective viewpoint, time is really a big ball of wibbly wobbly, timey wimey…stuff…
And anyway, the TARDIS doesn't like time storms, silly git, so it landed here and locked us out. As for where here is exactly…
Investigates the stage props
I'm not completely sure; I was hoping to figure that out before you got here. Kinda looks like planet…
Inspects a trash can and wrinkles nose
Exonet… or maybe… Clom…
Stops, and almost to himself,
Wait, no; the sky's the wrong colour… looks more like…
Gasps in horror
Sudopler III…
Donna: What? What happens if it's Sudopler III?
Doctor: Imagine how bad things could possibly get, and then add a whole other suitcase full of bad.
Donna: What? Why?
Doctor: It's the Sontaron holiday destination.
Groans in frustration
This is exactly why I need my screwdriver! IfI had it I could use sometrans-temporal extrapolation methods to neutralize the residual electronic pattern, and effectively-
Donna: In English please?
Doctor: Sorry, didn't want to say "magic the TARDIS door open to get us out of here"
Donna: looking around
Well so what are we gonna do now?
Doctor: I've got to find my screwdriver. You, in the meantime, could try pleading with the TARDIS to let us in. Might work.
Donna: Sarcastically: Oh yeah, just brilliant!
Doctor tinkers around, tasting some props, much to Donnas incredulous expression, and muttering about trans- temporal shifts.
Pulls out a stuffed dog
Wait a second… This is Sarah-Jane's first K9 prototype… it's been lost for years! No-one, not even me could find it… like it just disappeared from the time-space continuum…
Shows Donna.
What's it doing here, with the rest of this junk…?
Reaches in and pulls out some junk from a trunk, strewing it over the stage…
Gloves? Lost childhood teddies, blankies, old lockets and… bananas?
Pulls off glasses dramatically as he does when having made a great discovery.
Doctor: Oh, YES!!! But wait-
Stops and gesticulates randomly, torn between a million thoughts whirring around that head of his, before brushing it off and running off stage left
TARDIS door is grappled, a side latch is unlocked and the doctor talks over the scuffling of pulling out something heavy
Donna: Doctor! What on earth are you doing? What's going on?
Doctor: Just a… minute…
Donna: Oh no you don't! You tell me what's going on this instance!
Doctor appears on stage left trailing a stereo thingy grinning
Just a future word of advice: if you're attacking a man with a sonic screwdriver... don't let him near the sound system.
Donna: Yeah, figures…
He sets it on the ground, and scans the dog. With a look of glee, he also scans the other items
Doctor: YES! It is!
Donna: What is?
Doctor: judging by the tetramorphosing sonatrabinging images resonating from these-
Looks at Donna
Oh, right, English…Lucky I had this resonance grapher in my handy TARDIS side compartment, otherwise I wouldn't have been able to figure it out. We must be on the lost moon of Poosh!
Donna: outraged: lost moon o what?
Doctor: Poosh, Donna, Poosh! The lost moon of Poosh is legendary for its mystical properties… its virtually the sinkhole of the entire universe, every lost belonging that stays lost for too long ends up getting somehow teleported here… much like those tip things, you never know what you'll find there on a good day! But that's what makes the lost moon of Poosh so, well…mystical. It's… lost. That's sort of the point. But we found it!
Donna…
Doctor, excitedly jumping about, rummaging.
Which means chances are that my sonic screwdriver ended up somewhere here…
Donna suddenly feels a bulge in her shirt.
Donna: What's this...?
Pulls out screwdriver.
Doctor turns and sees it, then grabs it from a stunned Donna.
Doctor: GRRREAAAT! Thanks Donna! Now we can ace this place… whoops, sorry, been watching reruns of Kim Possible a tad too long…
Stoops over and grabs a banana, twirling it in his fingers
Doctor: Oh and Donna, always take a banana to the party, bananas are good.
They go offstage left, Donna shaking her head and the TARDIS leaves.
The end