I remember when life was simple. I'd get up, go to work, come home, realize I forgot my house keys at work, drive back to work, ask my boss if he saw any keys, my boss would laugh and pour hot coffee over my lap, burning through my pants and revealing the keys I had just realized were in my pocket, thanking my boss, drive home listening to Mushroomhead to get into the Halloween spirit, crash into the car ahead of me because I was dozing off behind the wheel, call my insurance company, get the cops to come and frame it on the guy ahead of me, put him behind bars, go to the auto shop to fix my car, drive home, turn on Netflix searching for a scary movie in anticipation for Halloween, drink some Capri-Sun laced with LSD and then fall asleep. Yessiree bob, I was just your average shmuck living off $40,000 a year on a dead end job. Every Halloween was the same too. I would buy a bunch of candy, put it in front of the door to my apartment with a sign saying take one, and these asshole kids would gulp down the entire bucket in thirty seconds. I put LSD in all of the candy so there were a few angry emails, but that didn't bother me.
But that isn't my life anymore. About a week ago, something happened that would change my October for years to come. My name is Larry Renters, and this is my cautionary tale.
Chapter 1: One Week Ago
My job had to be the lamest job in the history of Somalia. Luckily I lived in Ohio, so this didn't bother that much. I was a prison guard at Half-Minute Homicide Correctional Facility (HMHCF). Like I stated before, I didn't make very much money, and I had like one day off the entire year. All of my co workers would call me names like 'Correctional Officer Renters', and the inmates treated me even worse. I had to have three kneecap transplants because they would always stare at them and I don't like being judged. Finally, my conditions got so bad that I asked the warden to give me a day off the next day. He said I would have to come in on Halloween but I didn't mind since I was running low on LSD anyway. So, the next day, I didn't come in, I just watched a documentary about how to make a documentary cause I wanted to make a documentary on the HMHCF so that I could be rolling in money coke cars and bitches. Unfortunately, my fat ass slipped and hit the channel button on the remote, changing to the local news station. I was about to grab the remote when suddenly out of nowhere I decided not to as I stopped paying for newspaper and still wanted to learn about current events. Weirdly enough, that hot asian chick was talking about HMHCF, a look of mild interest crept across my T-shirt, and I listened to the TV: "So there was this weird thing, like there's a bunch of blood in the Jail and all of the inmates and staff are dead." Oh my god she's hot. "In fact it seems the only one related to the prison that is still alive is Larry Renters who-" I couldn't remember what she said after that because I was too busy wiggling me stiffy round in th' air like a balloon 'cause lemme tell ye, this chick was hot!
Unfortunately the phone rang and I had to scramble to get my pants back on. I answered the phone as casually as I could, "Wow I would legitimately have sex with you if you presented yourself naked in front of my doorstep."
"Wut." shit it was a guy!
"Sorry I was thinking about that hot Asian chick on the local news channel."
"Mr. Renters, I could give a rat's ass about that woman, my name is-"
"No dude seriously like she looks really hot I'm not even kidding."
"No, Mr. Renters, please stop interrupting me, I am Agent Wiat Wellboth from the CIA. I need you to come in front of the correctional facility for questioning."
"No, fuck you it's my day off."
"Fine, can you come tomorrow?"
"No I have work tomorrow, idiot."
"No, you don't. Your workplace was destroyed. And I think you might have caused it." Shit, this guy thought I was a domestic terrorist! I needed to find a way to try and convince him otherwise.
"Yeah prolly I dunno what happened last night see I was on a ton of LSD. That seems like something I would do." He didn't believe my story.
"Yeah, ok whatever just come by tomorrow." Goddammit now I'm gonna have to miss work.
Chapter 2: Five Days Ago
So I tried to drive to the prison but my car wouldn't start so I had to find another way to get there on time. Luckily I spotted my neighbor's bratty kid on his bike and I pushed that little twerp off and started hauling towards the prison. I can do that cause I'm protecting the country from dirty criminals. Sadly I never learned how to ride a bike because my dad never taught me because he was too busy chasing down demons and ghosts and nazis in Connecticut with my uncle Derek. He wasn't actually related to me, he just stole me from my house and tried to sell me until he realized that slavery was illegal. He gave me to the first 16 year old he saw so that she wouldn't feel guilty about the abortion she wanted to have for the thrill. Yeah, her boyfriend was a dick, so I appealed to get him in prison for child molestation. He was found innocent but still sent to jail because the inmates were getting bored with each other and wanted to make new friends. Our judge, being the criminal loving liberal pussy that he is, allowed it. Oh God, did this get sidetracked. Okay, so I'm on the bike and I did alright for my first time, it kinda irritated my transplants though.
After twenty minutes of awesome threading the needle gta style that you can see at this link here
watch?v=RYbNQeRG_Le
I arrived at the prison. Some beautifully sculpted man walked over and I could just tell it was Wiat Wellboth. I reached out to shake his hand. He shoved it down his pants and stole my wallet. Turns out it wasn't him. Instead, another guy comes along and says that he's in fact Agent Wellboth. I tried to steal his wallet but he smacked my hand away like it was a minority's tailbone shooting towards him at terminal velocity. "Okay, Larry, I'm convinced you didn't do it, because our scientists say it was like ghosts and demons and shit. You're the only surviving member of the staff, so you're the only one who knows the layout of the prison, so on Halloween you're going to lead a crack team into the prison to kill all the ghosts and demons."
"WHAT!?" I yell out in stimulation, "YOU MEAN I HAVE TO MISS HALLOWEEN?! NO WAY!" Missing Halloween wasn't an option.
"C'mon." He gave a good argument, so I decided to join him.
"So, EUGH, whose on my team?" I ask.
"Well there's me. And then there's those three." He points over to where a black guy, a white guy, and a sunburned guy were standing in front of a brick wall. He points to the black one, "That's Dr. Dreake. He's a rapper and completely unqualified for the job but we got a tax break for hiring him." He then pointed to the white guy, "That's John Fist. He fought in the Gulf War where his best friend died and he lost an eye and his wife turned out to be a double agent for the chinese all the while fighting the illuminati in a bid to rid the world of it's oppression. His daughter became a cyborg programmed to kill him by Nazis and his son was turned into a super soldier for the Russians so he had to kill both of them with nothing but a film reel and the script for a shitty fanfiction." I was kind of confused because John Fist was 12 years old but I didn't question it. "What about the sunburned guy?"
"That's XX666NATAS666XX. He runs the nearby pizza cemetery. Word of advice, don't let him in his zone. You wouldn't like him in his zone." I will always cherish these words. So I said goodbye to Agent Wellboth and head back home to plan my method.
Chapter 3: Halloween Day
Oh shitshitshit I totally forgot about the thing I was supposed to do today. Ya see I was gonna plan my attack and I seriously started to but then before so I had to go to rowing practice two days in a row(lel) then I had to go home and shower then do homework then I swore I would work on it but then I said 'hey might as well watch some Walking Dead before I start' so I did and I pretty much watched all of season 3. I was supposed to do a group project but I didn't and my group got an F but fuck them it's not like that was there only chance to get into Harvard or some shit. Anyway I had to write the entire fanfi...plan on my way to the prison so it didn't come out great.
So I show up and Wiat Wellboth is all decked out in Kevlar and guns and grenades and looks totally macho, John Fist was dressed up as Rambo, RPG and Machine Gun and everything, Dr. Dreake was dressed up as Taylor Swift which I found kinda facetious, and XX666NATAS666XX was dressed up as Micky Cape Cod from that one fanfiction that no one seemed to like. I forgot that it was Halloween but luckily I had glued a cardboard cutout before I left so I was able to convince them I was dressed up as Keeanu Reeves.
"Okay so here's my plan." I say trying to sound sincere, "There are 10 rooms in the prison. The lobby, the Cell Block, the boiler room, the cafeteria, the armory, the infirmary, the recreational room, the showers, the home theatre, and the warden's room. We need to go to each room and kill all the spookies and save anyone who is still alive."
For some reason I actually sounded cool for like 2 seconds so they followed along. We each pulled out our weapons and entered the prison.
Room 1: Lobby
As soon as I entered the room I knew something was up. There was no blood or bodies or ghosts but the music was strange. It was Bruno Mars! The prison couldn't afford the rights to that mainstream music, and could only afford crap like Rage Against the Machine, which could only mean...
"DUCK!11one11!"
Everyone dropped dat booty narrowly avoiding the explosion. Then they revealed themselves as their true form, GHOST MUSIC PIRATES!
"Yo ho, yo ho." one of them said, failing to match the level of monotone as Kevin Conroy, "If you wish to continue, first yeargh must solve arrrr riddle."
I forcefully accepted the challange, ripping off my cardboard with such gusto that I saw John Fist's nipples tingle. "A man who lives on the tenth floor takes the elevator down to the first floor every morning and goes to work. In the evening, when he comes back; on a rainy day, or if there are other people in the elevator, he goes to his floor directly. Otherwise, he goes to the seventh floor and walks up three flights of stairs to his apartment. Can you explain why?"
To long didnt read, next room.
Room 2: Cell Block
This room was was creepyer cause coming up from the ground there was tons of rotton human flesh and the walls would ooze hyper realistic nicktoon slime as the bodies of a ton of the inmates were tied to gravestones on the ceilings that said RIP Rest DIE Pieces. I was getting spooked but not as much as the Doc who started to screem as the slime tried to eat him oh btw the slime eats people but we shot it and it just got more slimy hardening into a slow and instantanious form of the lead singer of One Republic. I kinda like them but I didn't want anyone else in the group to know my guilty pleasure so I blew the whole thing up with one of Wiat's grenades.
Room 3: Boiler Room
That last room was a close call, but we luckily were able to get to the boiler room without any trouble. We looked around and saw that the room was clear, so we decided to sit down and have a drink. "You know, at first, I was gonna say that I was pretty scared," John Fist started but never finished cuz his head was cut off blord started swooshing from his neck and filling the entire room. I tried to open the door but it was jellied, so we were stuck in this small room with the blood getting higher. Eventually it reached waist level and we weree freakin out cuz we didn't want to drown. So I decided maybe if we turn on the boiler super high it will evaporate all the blood. instead the blood got super hot and melted Dreake's skin white. luckily it also caused the door to expand so that we could escape.
Room 4: Cafeteria
We lost John, but luckily KKK won't feel ostracized by reading this anymore. The cafeteria was eerily loud because there was a chef with no mouth screaming at us all like "YEAHYOUTINKYOUGOTITHARDBROIGOTTAGIVEUFGTSFOODWHIL EISITBYUNABLETOEATITCAUSEOFMYLACKOFAMOUTHYOUKNOWAC TUALLYIMNOTTHATMADJUSTKINDOFFRUSTRATEDASIGETPAIDMI NIMUMWAGETOKEEPPEOPLEFROMSTARVINGTODEATHWHILETHOSE MAGGOTSINCONGRESSSTILLGETPAIDTOSTOPTHECOUNTRYFROMG ETTINGFREEHEALTHCARELIKESERIOUSLYWAKEUPTOTHE21STCE NTURTYGODIHATEREPUBLICANS!" I shot him but he deflected it with his rolling pinned me to the ground and started beating up Wiat. Sadly while he wasn't looking I took his apron and he got so much grease on his chest that he eventually shriveled up into a Cape Cod Potato Chip which I then proceeded to eat and then step on.
Room 5: Armory
Nothing went wrong here actually.
Room 6: Infirmary
We tried to sew on Wiat's arm which was ripped off by an enraged Serj Tankian in the last room, but NATAS needed at least 40 seconds to put it back on, so me n Dreake fought off 5 waves of evil ghosts and demons using only needles and bullets and explosive bullets and incendiary bullets. During the process Dr. Dreake turned black again, and realising that he wasn't the first to die in a horror story said that he could keep his head high knowing he beat the stereotype and killed himself. NATAS FINISHED sewing on the arm and the three of us killed the rest of the ghosts in the room.
Room 7: Rec Room
The Rec room didn't look like much at first but them Zumbies came out of the kinect and we became incredibly frightened. Zombies were bad enough, but zumbies were following the Zumba program and had incredibly toned butts. Every shot we fired would be deflected by their sheer ability to believe that they can get physically healthier and improve their overall life but they cant because they're undead and I think that's the sheer tragedy of it. In order to kill them, we had to turn the kinect off. Sorry, it actually wasn't as hard as I orignially made it out to be.
Just kidding! They had an early version of the Xbox One, so we couldn't turn the Kinect off! Luckily the NSA saw that we were in trouble and sent in an abyssal missile. It killed all of the zumbies and we moved on.
Room 8: Showers
I'm going to do this entire segment without a rape joke. Okay... here we go.
We arrived in the showers when the doors closed and we were locked in. There was nothing to do but grab all of the Axe deodorant that the prison left behind and spray ourselves just in case there were any women zombies and we wanted to look as pathetic as possible. Then NATAS turned on the showers, causing smuckers strawbelly peanut butter to come down and bury NATAS quicker my masturbating session when looking at that hot asian chick on the news. We rushed over to help him out but soon all of the showers shat out the stuff. Luckily I had smoked a joint before I entered and was incredibly hungry, eating all of the stuff before NATAS had the opportunity to involuntarily die. Sadly I dropped the rest of my weed when so I bent over to pick it up when NATAS decided to enter my asshole with his cock in which I scremed so loud that my mouth expanded faster than a pretty inmates asshole I'll tell ya when it happened I dropped quicker than a young girl getting chloroformed jeez it was so rough it was similar to being thrown into a pedophiles van and not being able to escape and makes you so disoreinted that you may think that no means yes.
Room 9: Home Theatre
The only scary thing here is how Chris Nolan got snubbed for the Oscar for TDKR amirite?
ROOM !): WARDENS ROOM!:
It was empty. Wtf i wanted a cool boss fight or something so I sat in the warden's chair and then blood dripped on my head and i look up and i see a bloody wording saying XX666NATAS666XX'S ZONE and i screm
-hte edn-
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