Author's note: This piece takes place throughout various sections of The Catcher in the Rye. It is written in second person, from Jane's perspective

You realize now, that there's something funny thing about Holden Caulfield. He says something to you one moment that makes you want to scream, but feel him holding your hand and it all changes. And you don't know exactly how or why he works the way he does, but you want to. When he asks you if it was your stepfather, you somehow know that you shouldn't tell him. So you lie. You say no. You become the phony that he hates in everyone. Only, he doesn't know. He loves you.

You don't know why you say no though. Maybe it's because you don't want his sympathy. You don't want to give him everything because then he would have enough to break you. And he's so crazy sometimes that you can't help but feel scared. He rapidly places his lips all over your face and you shudder. It makes you cry. It all does. Even the idea of him makes you cry. You don't understand him or why you love him. But at the time being, you do. You really do, as he would say. He stand up and sits next to you. Well, on your lap really. Your love him.

It's the times like these, you can tell that Holden has the capacity to love. If he would just face himself instead of nitpicking everyone else he sees he would see that if he just let people in, and showed them how he sees, they'd like him too. The boy sitting on you, he's trouble. But you love him anyway. There is something that draws you to him, and you follow it.

Holden always acts like everyone has something to hide. And he feels like he wants them to show him those things. And that's the thing about Holden. He wants to know the wrong details. And you won't let him get to your lips though. Even though you love the boy that holds your hand you understand that he is in a downward spiral, that can't be stopped. You try to never think about that. So you don't let him kiss you, and he doesn't. An unspoken yet mutual agreement that will stay forever.

And even if you are not in love with him, you know you'll always remember the day that he showed you his brother's baseball mitt. Those are the things that make him irresistible to you. He sees you like nobody else does. And somehow, it's enough for you. He makes you forget your stepfather, and his hands all over you. That's how you know. That's your way of knowing that you love him. He makes you forget, sometimes. Even when he's away, at another school. With other girls. You understand that, physically, they might be his, but emotionally, you'll always be his.

You know that you have a place in his heart. You understand, too because he has a place in yours. He stops kissing you. And then you make the decision not to tell him about your stepfather. Though he means a lot, you sense that if you tell him, you'd be giving away part of yourself. A large part. And you could never explain that your stepfather does to you. Ever. How could you? You could never tell anyone. But this is the closest you ever got to telling everyone. And yet it's never enough.

And thats the closest you ever got to Holden Caulfield, too. That summer passed, and so did your relationship. Maybe he could tell that you lied. You don't know. You miss his presence. How could you not? You spent a lot of time with him. You miss the smell of cigarettes and alcohol even. And his red hunting hat. You wonder if he ever took it off. He probably did.

You miss bittersweet feeling that he sometimes gave you. Well, for him, it was just plain sweet. He hates most people... he's even told you. But with you it was different. Just like with Phoebe. He would never hate her. Only, Pheobe can be there for him forever. You won't be. You don't have to be. You may understand Holden Caulfield more than anyone else in the world, but you still know nothing compared to the person who he is.

Author's Note: This part of the piece takes place immediately following Salinger's ending of The Catcher in the Rye. It differs from the book slightly because in this version, Holden dies in the hospital, where he wrote the memoir that makes up the book.

And you found out just what happened to Holden Caulfield has been up to lately. It saddens you. You will miss him. Even though it was almost set in stone that he'd die early like this. He had nothing going for him. A sad truth that rips you apart. You cry. Only the tears aren't that, of your stepfather. They belong to Holden. And you almost forgot about him. Almost. You see that besides a memoir, he also left a letter. For you. Existing, tangible proof of that special place for you in his heart.

You are alone. You packed breakfast, and are now sitting in the grass by the stone that bears his name, with the unopened letter. There's no good time to read it. So why not now? You almost believe that he's able to see your reaction. You wish that you could be the one in his life. The only one to tell him you love him, because as it seems, you were the only one who truly did. Which is a coincidence because you were one of the few people he really loved. You open his letter and begin to read.

Jane-

You knock me out. And you aren't a phony. I don't have any goddam time anymore. I shoulda given you a buzz while I could. Or gone down to see you when you had that goddam date with Stradlater. Damn phony. Anyway.I never even said how much I like you, to your face. It depresses me. I wish I did because I think about you often. Even now as my life is being taken away from me. I think you'll remember me too. Cause I'll sure as hell I remember you, Jane Gallagher.

Love, Holden