My addiction
DeathNote story by moocowhero
I watch you out the corner of my eye, hoping that you are watching me too. I need your attention for once, I want to be noticed by you. But there you are, looking beyond me, beyond this room, into the space in which your mind works constantly. I know you are only here for a short visit, the people in this place are not what's important to you. It's their minds you are so focused on. Who will succeed you? Me or Near? I want to be chosen, just so I know, you saw me, it always falls to pieces when Near gets a higher grade, when he figures it out just a second before I cannot get you to notice me through my grades, I need to try other methods.
Its late, near has already left to bed, but you are still working. L, your mind, I know, is a dangerous not bestowed on you, in the wrong hands, it could be dangerous, but such is not the case, so I can breathe easily for one more night. I don't want to disturb you in your work, but this may be the only chance I have to confront you alone. I take a step forward and I am overcome with sudden fear! What will I say to you? I haven't fully thought it out. My intentions just to be noticed. There was no other goal. Would I just look like an idiot then? Just looking at you, choking on words that did not exist! Why should I bother you when you are so hard at work and I have nothing to say to you? Dropping my head at my own mistake, knowing that once again, my heart was in the way of my head, just as Near had told me so many times already. When I next raise my head, though, you are looking right at me. My one step was enough to alert your attention away from your work.
I cannot say how I was feeling at the moment, for it was a moment of mixed feelings. I could not suppress the joy that exploded in my heart when you actually looked at me. I was your distraction from your work. But the fear still remained as you looked straight at me. Your face was lit by the light of the computer and you had your thumb between clenched teeth, an image that I had quite often seen while passing you as I headed for my room. But your eyes looking at me, searching for what reason I was there, waiting to hear what I had come for.
I could only stare at you. Even though I was capable of words when others were in my presence, you took away all sense. Gritting my teeth, telling myself inwardly to speak, but I failed to do so. I did what little I could do in that moment, run. Run from that room without a single word to you L. My heart was hurting as it never had before. I did not know the true reason for this pain but blamed it on being embarrassed. My quest for attention was a success, but with the terrible after taste of embarrassment coming almost too soon to enjoy my achievement.
Once in my room I did what felt right. I hid under my blankets and cried until sleep eased the pain and stole my mind away from the subject of L. This sleep did not come quickly, but when it finally did, I felt a moment of peace from the turmoil in my heart and sleep seemed to only last a short second as I was awoken by the click of the door knob being turned. In my suffering, I had forgotten to lock the door, another stupid move. I sat up and jumped off my bed, failing to get to the lock quick enough when the door was opened.
Again I could only stare at you. But this time it was in shock. After I had painstakingly tried for your attention, it was you who came for embarrassment returning, I frowned and tried to make you leave, not wanting to be embarrassed yet again. But despite my words L you stayed. You stayed and you looked at me, with searching eyes yet again. Had I not known why I was so desperate for your attention or why it had hurt so bad to make a fool out of myself in front of you before, I knew now. I knew why my heart was beating like a drum in my ears whenever you were close by. I am in love with you L. No other words could explain it. And, unfortunately you have the brainpower to figure that out on your own. There is a change in your look that could mean my end. Before I had wished for you to look at me, but now all I want is for death to take me away from your eyes and rid me of all the feelings I have for you. You looked thoughtful and frowned when it finally came to you.
But you did not yell at me. Instead you took several steps closer to me and looked at me with a softened gaze. I could feel heat rise in my face and somehow I knew that you were not disgusted in me for loving you embraced me, I was amazed that you were so warm and when we kissed it felt more like a dream. My first kiss, gone to you L, a feeling I will never in my lifetime forget. Your lips were soft against mine and I could not help but recognize the taste of chocolate on your lips. I could never eat chocolate again without remembering this closeness. Our lips separated to gain a quick breath before they came together again, your taste soon becoming a favorite of mine. You finally let go of me and kissed my forehead. I did not mind you letting go due to the fact that my head is still spinning from our kiss.
"Mello. I love you. Don't ever change." you said to me quietly and hugged me one more time before leaving my room to pack your things. I could feel nothing but pure love and happiness. I doubt I will ever know that feeling again.
You left and I missed you more than before. This I was okay with because it was a sign of my everlasting love for as expected, I became addicted to chocolate. Having one on hand every moment of the day. The taste reminded me of your lips and our first kiss. I was even more excited to have you come and visit. Each time, you greet me with a warm smile and open arms only so that I would return my love and hold you tight.
But after awhile, you stopped visiting. I asked if you would be visiting soon and I was always told the same thing. You were busy working on the Kira case, you didn't have time to stop simply, you were too busy to come and see me.
I became even more worried when you finally visited could not stay for the whole day, but you were checking mine and Near's grades very carefully. We were both doing very well, but you would not choose yet. After going over our grades, you went to your old room. I found a moment alone with you when you could tell me what was going on. You promised me that you would catch Kira and I had every bit of confidence in you. You then left so abruptly I had no time to say goodbye.
After that you disappeared forever. We were notified of your death one day and I was heartbroken. I was not ready to lose you L. So why did you let yourself die when you had promised me you'd defeat him? I left Wammy House once you died. I couldn't take being bested by Near all the time. I couldn't be in that house anymore. Everything, even my own room, caused me to think of you. Near didn't need me, Wammy House didn't need me, so I simply left. There were countless times I cried during my traveling out of loneliness. I missed you. I missed being in your company. All I had was the taste of chocolate to remind me of your love.
(And that's it. I wonder if it came out any good. -.- I hope so. I've been killing myself over this one idea. Well anyways...ITS OVER!!)
(p.s. I will be more careful with grammar. Thankyou!)