Title: A Little More Heart
Summary: Esme never told her husband how deeply meeting him at sixteen impacted her. She never really regretting putting her human life, meeting Carlisle included, behind her, until Edward came home and demanded that the family leave Bella in Forks. Carlisle has always been a man of reason. As a human, he was not quick to judge like his father. Instead, he asked for evidence, expected proof, and followed facts. This lack of blind fervency caused many a villager to wonder about the well-being of the preacher's only son and his father a little more than frustrated. This odd trait stayed with him into his second life. It was what made him resist humans as a newborn and decide to become a human doctor against all conventional thought. It led him into having exceptional control over his bloodlust and made him into an excellent doctor. Esme knew Carlisle's reason was, throughout his years, what he relied upon when a decision was needed, including was the best course of action regarding Miss Esme Platt, sixteen-year-old tree-climber and avid reader. Edward gone to find Victoria, her family unhappy, Esme can't help but wonder what would have life been like if Carlisle had been able to follow his heart just a little bit more in 1911?
Although story is AU, characters are to cannon as developed in My Family is Odd and Cosmology Shifts.
Rating: T for mild language and relationship elements. Relationship elements contain adult themes like being parents and being married. Consequently, this story may not be suitable for younger teens.
Disclaimer: Obviously I am not Stephanie Meyer (SM). The story is mine apart from the parts she created. When other writers' stories are referenced, credit is given to them at the top of each chapter.
In this chapter Edward's behaviours in this point in cannon comes from Saudade by Haemophilus Leona, and the imagining of how Esme handled Carlisle turning her was inspired by Miki in Blue Jeans story Faith & Love.
Beta: kiwihipp I cannot say thank her enough for her keen eye (any remaining errors are mine, as I have a tendency to fiddle), thoughtful questions, attempts at keeping me historical accurate, and inspirations. This would not look the same without you.
(Chapter updated with edits: 3 Nov 2017)
Chapter 1: Strain Between Us
I was never so in opposition to my husband as the day that our first son had come home and had said that we needed to leave my newest daughter, Bella, behind. It was for the best, Edward had claimed. She was human and we were not, he had argued. Her life would be better off, less dangerous without us in it, he had insisted. He had implied that us leaving her was what she wanted.
After the votes were all in, Carlisle had made the final decision for us to leave Forks. I might not have agreed, but that didn't stop me from doing my part and packing our belongings. Carlisle planned on staying for the next few days, so I left his personal things for him to take care of. It would give him something to do when he was not at the hospital. Each couple were in their rooms packing and I had no idea where Edward had gone off to when Carlisle came to find me.
"Esme?" he asked hesitantly as he came into our bedroom.
It was all in his voice–his love, concern, confusion, doubt.
I didn't look up at him, a rarity, and although my motions slowed, I continued packing.
He came closer and stood only a few feet away from me.
"Esme, please, love," he whispered softly enough that only I would hear the desperation filling his voice, his cadence very much the Englishman of the era he was turned. I had not heard that manner of speech since he talked about his decision to turn Emmett.
Stopping, I turned towards him.
"You are asking me to leave one of my daughters behind," I whispered softly back. There was no anger or frustration in my voice. I had let go of those emotions already. They hadn't even really settled in me to begin with. But there was pain and there was hurt.
"She is not ours, Esme. She is human and she is Charlie's." His voice was softer than the gentlest breeze, the cadence of old only marginally there and the doctor tones of present more prominent.
A part of me wanted to snarl and growl and argue and fight, but this was not my way. I was not headstrong or tenacious like Rosalie. I wasn't coy and single-minded like Alice. I was strong in my own way, but fighting was not how I did things. Yet, I could not agree with Carlisle. She was mine as much as she was Charlie's. There was a bond there what went beyond her connection with Edward or the fact that she was still human. I saw so much of my sixteen-year-old self in her. And even though Bella wasn't me, I believed that I saw her the most clearly out of all of us Cullens.
The pause between Carlisle and I, along with my thoughts, was palatable and heavy.
"How long will you stay?" I asked unwilling to argue.
He took a deep breath his continence indicating that he knew I did not agree.
"A few days and then I will come," he confirmed sounding much like he has for the last decade or so.
I nodded and looked into his eyes. He needed me. He was lost and I was his anchor.
Standing up, I grabbed him and pulled him into my arms holding him tightly. He body was vibrating almost as if he were a human afraid, but at a much subtler level that without the embrace it would have never been noticeable, even to my eyes. He took another deep breath taking in my scent.
"I love you, Carlisle. Nothing will change that." I said these words loud enough that I knew my children would hear.
Certainly Carlisle's and my differing votes would not have gone unnoticed. I didn't want to consider what Jasper might have picked up from Carlisle since the vote. Our children needed my reassure as much as Carlisle did.
"And I you, Esme," he stated with equal clarity. "Love," he whispered into my ear his old English accent strong in this one word, "we need to talk about this."
"Are you going to change your mind before you arrive in Alaska?" I asked quietly enough that only he would hear.
"He is decided. I don't want to lose him. I'm scared we'll lose him completely this time." His whispered confession spoke to his deepest fears, his voice sounding almost exactly as it had when Edward had left us in 1927.
"Neither do I wish for him to leave our family, but I am more afraid that we will lose them both by this path," I confessed back.
He retreated from my arms a little so that he could look into my eyes.
"In Alaska then?" he confirmed in a breath.
Nodding, "Yes," I agreed.
After all these years as a couple, there was no doubt that a few days would make no difference in the conversation. In truth, nothing really could change the bond between Carlisle and I, but it was the most strained it had ever been, and we both knew it.
He looked at me and I did not see the confident husband and father that he usually was, nor even the heartbroken father he had been without Edward. I saw the lost, beaten young man of his early years full of doubt but determined to do the righteous thing. He had that look briefly when he had changed Rosalie and Emmett, but this was deeper rather than a fleeting glance.
I pulled him into my embrace once more.
"We have time," I breathed into his ear.
His continence shifted, the vibration gone. He would follow through with his choice. He would guide and direct us and keep our family safe. That was who my children needed him to be. They were all scared. They needed us to play our roles and be who they had known us to be. These other parts of ourselves, the parts that only Carlisle and I saw of each other, they would have to wait. We knew that was what they needed, and we were glad to have one another.
So, I did my role. I packed and comforted my children as they required and helped them move, even though I was certain that we were making a grave mistake. When Edward was not home and my family did not need me I allowed my mind to review the contentious discussion and vote. Reviewing the past was an activity I hadn't permitted myself to do since Edward had returned to us in 1931, as I had learned that doing so didn't help change it. Despite this lesson, my mind seemed intent on trying to suss out where I had gone wrong as a wife and mother.
Edward had lied. Not blatantly. Not purposefully. No. He had been lying to himself.
I knew all my children well, but none as intimately as Edward. Perhaps because he was my first child in this life; perhaps because he, along with Carlisle, had guided me through my newborn stage; perhaps because he was caught at the age of seventeen and had not properly had the opportunity to grow into himself; or perhaps because he was single and thus the odd man out. Whatever the reason might be, most of the time, I knew him better than he knew himself.
Edward loved Bella; that was abundantly clear. His love caused him to passionately hold the belief in his need to protect her, which mostly stemmed from being raised in an upper-middle class home in the Edwardian era. His behaviours, based on his intentions, as noble as they were, spoke from his own limited point of view. Stuck at seventeen years old, he tended to see the world as right or wrong, black or white, as he had not yet been forced to face the world of grey before Carlisle turned him.
Edward refused to allow himself or our existence to hurt Bella. The very abhorrence of that thought was what had kept him from draining her, despite the call her blood made to him. Hurting her was simply unacceptable. From a perfectly rational point of view his desire to keep her safe and his willingness to sacrifice himself to make it so made perfect sense. Consequently, as he had spoken, I could see and understand all that had brought him to his insistence that we leave, including the lies he was telling himself. The major problem was that he did not see the bigger picture. His view was limited, had always been limited, and would probably always be limited. In moments when it was only Carlisle and I, I teased him that turning a teenager might not have been the greatest of plans.
The problem with Edward's limited point of view was not so much that it was limited, per say, although certainly that did not help matters. No, the root of the problem on this matter was really with Carlisle, as that was where Edward's perspective originated. Even if Carlisle had never implied that leaving Bella was best, the beliefs that had caused Edward to draw those conclusions had originated in Carlisle's choices. Carlisle had walked away from me upon our first meeting when I had been sixteen, and thus Edward, when he walked in and demanded that we leave Forks, asked us to consent to him making the same mistake Carlisle had with me. I could not agree, even in the face of the cost that I would pay and that our family would pay for Carlisle and I being in discord.
My pondering of the role I had played in our desertion of Bella was put aside temporarily once we came upon the Denali's (our cousins of a sort that have a place in Alaska), where we had decided to land initially in order to regroup. When we arrived Tanya, the leader, along with Kate, Irina, Carmen and Eleazar, Carmen's mate and a former member of the Volturi guard, our self-appointed rule enforcers, greeted us. They were hospitable as always. It was actually Carmen, the quietest of the women, who eventually brought up the subject of what had caused us to leave Forks.
"Edward fell in love with a human girl. We felt it best to leave before anything untoward happened," I explained while Rosalie and Emmett attempted to remain neutral.
As soon as we had arrived, Alice and Jasper had left claiming a need to hunt. I knew that given the recent events they needed time as a couple. Alice would see with her gift of precognition when to return.
"Edward did? Really?" Tanya was shocked. "I don't suppose it was the reason he was up here last January?"
"Actually, yes, Tanya, it was," I confirmed.
"Only Edward in love could cause him to flee in terror," Tanya giggled. "Perhaps he should take a page out of our book, then, and learn to enjoy a human's company?"
As a family we had agreed that it wouldn't be kind of us to expose them to the reality of our situation with Bella, since her knowing what we were, according to the law, could have meant her and our deaths. There was no reason for our cousins to be connected to this. At the same time, it was possible that Laurent, who had seen us with Bella last March, had mentioned her to them. If that were the case, then we would simply confirm what they already knew. Holding my wish not to lie to them, while wanting to protect them made the conversation tricky to navigate.
"No, Edward is still much a man of the Edwardian era. He held no wish to change her, so he thought it best for us to leave and let her be. We left upon his request," I told them.
"Such a shame, a woman would do him good," Irina put in.
"Where is Laurent, Irina?" Rosalie asked too sweetly.
If they noticed her tone, they did not indicate so.
"He finds it difficult to stay with us all the time," Irina explained. "He was a nomad all his years. We understand. It took us many centuries to stay settled in one place. Sometimes he will leave for a few days and then return. He just left. He should be back within the week."
That was good to know. Personally I hoped that seeing Laurent again could be avoided.
"When will Edward and Carlisle be joining us?" Kate asked obviously trying to get the conversation onto something else.
"No later than Saturday," I informed them. "They are wrapping up loose ends. We will begin looking for a new place in the mean time. We did not intend to stay long, despite the company."
"You know you are welcome to stay as long as you wish," Tanya put in.
"Yes, thank you very much, but given our plans it would be better suited for us to settle into the new place sooner than later."
"So, what are your plans?" Carmen asked.
"Rosalie and Emmett intend to travel. Jasper wishes to go to college. Alice wants to research her human history. Carlisle will work, and I will redesign a new home."
"What is this about Alice's human history?" asked Irina, but Eleazar, who had a gift for knowing when someone was gifted and about how his or her gift worked, looked as equally curious.
"We learned from Laurent's former coven member, James, that Alice had been committed to a mental institute as a human. Evidently James was after her when she was human, but another vampire bit her to save her from him. In retribution James killed Alice's maker, which was why she woke up alone."
"She had the gift of sight as a human?" Eleazar asked astonished.
"It would seem that way," I acknowledged, "although we are not sure and she hopes that her explorations will tell her more. It might be good for her to have details about where she came from."
Everyone nodded thoughtfully.
"What a dreadful way to find out though," Carmen said glumly. "We assumed James is no longer with us."
"Unfortunately, he left us no choice," I explained simply. He would have never stopped hunting Bella otherwise.
"What about the other coven member, Victoria?" Kate asked.
"We never did come across her. We suspect she has a gift for evasion and James had a gift for tracking."
Eleazar looked thoughtful. "Yes, I presumed as much from Laurent's tales of his time with them. Although he didn't seem to be with them long. A few decades perhaps? A deadly combination those two gifts together would be, even for a group as large as yours."
"Well, fortunately they separated. James went to Phoenix and Victoria stayed in Forks. Edward, Emmett, Jasper, Carlisle, and Alice were able to take care of him in Phoenix. They might have not been so lucky if Victoria had gone with James."
The Denali's nodded solemnly.
"Do you think Victoria will come looking for you?" Tanya asked.
"With a group of our size, it would not be wise, but it is possible," I reluctantly assented.
"Perhaps we could ask Laurent his guess," Irina suggested.
"Yes, perhaps," I agreed.
Fortunately the conversation moved on and Bella was forgotten.
It didn't take long for the family to decide on Ithaca. Carlisle and Edward voted via a phone conference, and no news from Alice meant they had no objections.
While we waited for Carlisle to join us, I found myself alone ruminating once more. I knew my husband as well, if not sometimes, better than I knew myself. It took only a few sentence, a few choice statements for me to know that the rationale and mental constructs supporting Edward's choice were based in Carlisle's moral reasoning and compassion. Humans speak about doing the wrong thing for the right reasons. Carlisle's choice fitted that category perfectly, and I watched stunned as Edward attempted to repeat the same wrong thing. What my son was trying to say and to do I understood without words. He was trying to live up to Carlisle's model; except, the model was flawed.
As tempers had increased and my children had come dangerously close to ripping each other apart had not been the time to explain these things. Alice, who loved Bella like a sister already, had stood vehemently against Edward's request that we leave. She believed that Bella's future paths were either an early death or to become like us. I trusted Alice's visions implicitly; I trusted Alice. Nevertheless, I had never needed Alice's visions to know those were the only two options available to Bella. This reality was blatant once Edward had saved her from a van crushing her, if not from the first day they had met, because those were the only possibilities fate had handed me. History was repeating itself, except with Bella and Edward as the players rather than Carlisle and I. Bella would not be able to escape her fate no matter how much Carlisle or Edward might wish to think otherwise.
Jasper had also stood against leaving Bella, no doubt supporting his wife's love of Bella along with his dislike of the risk associated with leaving someone behind who knew our secret. By law, he had argued, we were responsible for her. Yet, there was something more there than even those two reasons. If I were a betting woman, I would have put money on the fact that Jasper trusted Alice's vision, despite everything, to keep them and us out of danger. Not once in the fifty-five years they had been with us had I ever witnessed anything but utter and complete faith in his wife's gift and trust in her judgement. His faith in her over-rode the fact that, unfortunately, he had been, somewhat, the catalyst for the very conversation dividing us. I had been grateful each time he had sent out the faux calmness generated from his gift helping us all keep our frustration, irritation, and fury in check. Without his influence, certainly, at least one of my children would have ended up in pieces that night.
My other two children had voted to do as Edward had requested. Rosalie had voted in agreement of Edward's plan because she disliked having a human in our life and the risk Bella inherently brought with her. These emotions, in light of recent events and Edward's words, overrode her previous refusals to move. She had been afraid for our family and thus herself, and, if I had to guess from some of her behaviours, probably a little jealous. Emmett's vote had been out of brotherly love and a desire to support Edward, not to mention that Emmett would go where Rosalie went, no matter his affection for Bella.
In the moment, when the decision had been made, my priority had been to ensure that each of my children saw the next day. Tempers had run high, and although they had never before hurt one another in anger, I was too much aware of how easily an argument could turn deadly given our natures. Yes, the decision had been voted upon, but nothing was set in stone. I hadn't been worried for my children individually, even Edward. No, my concern had been what they could do to one another, and the cost our family would pay if something serious were to happen.
No matter how my mind turned over the events, I could see the vote as little more than an exercise for Edward to publicly justify his actions and ensure Carlisle's support. Because, when it came to Edward, his natural tendency, when things got bigger than he could control, was to run. Thus, I was certain that once this crisis had settled that he would do just that. Consequently, the vote, indeterminate of the outcome, contained some risk of him coming to harm while he would be away from us. The facts were that he had fled from Carlisle and I years ago when it was only the three of us. He had survived then. He was an even more skilled fighter all these years later. I knew the likelihood of him running, and I still couldn't agree to leave Bella.
I would not sacrifice one child for another, especially given the fact that even though Edward ran, he always returned. No, Edward wasn't where the greatest risk lay. That was with Bella. Bella could easily be snuffed out of this world. I didn't want to consider the cost for that possibility. My only hope was that fate would protect her as it had me, but it had almost been too late on my part, not to mention the cost I had paid in between. I wouldn't wish the pain of what I went through my last years of being human on my worst enemy, so I certainly would not wish a similar cost to befall my daughter.
Ever since James, Edward had been too protective of Bella to the point that he had nearly smothered her. I knew this was in part due to the mating bond between them being new and in part due to Edward's personality and upbringing. He would defend those he loved with his life. I had watched time and time again the agony he went through to open his mind to the thoughts of those around us, so we could make sure our façade was believed. He suffered more than any of us at times and carried the secrets of hundreds of thousands of individuals. I knew the lengths my son would go to keep Bella safe and Bella was a particularly fragile human. Until Edward came home and asked us to leave Bella behind, I had believed that Edward, with our help, would keep her safe until Carlisle turned her. Not that Edward would want that for Bella, but the writing was on the wall and with Alice's vision it appeared to be only a matter of time.
As Edward had spoken, it was apparent that he could not be reasoned with. Sure, he had used logic and clear arguments, but he had fought dirty. He had used his gift as a telepath to leverage Carlisle's own beliefs regarding his choice to leave me, things never spoken, in order to wear Carlisle down and convince him to see things the way Edward wanted him to. Carlisle was a rare creature that could admit when he was wrong and change his mind. The arguments Edward used were more than that. They spoke to Carlisle's conviction that he had done the right thing by leaving me when I was sixteen, and Carlisle wasn't ready yet to see that he had made the wrong choice, even if, despite everything, we were together in the end.
When we went around the table and cast our votes it was the first time in the history of our marriage that I voted contrary to my husband. Customarily, I voted and he decided for us all, but each and every time we were on the same page, except this time. He had looked at me trying to understand why I had voted against us leaving Bella, but I could tell that he didn't comprehend. Perhaps his confusion was, in part, my own fault. We had talked little about the first time I had met him, when I was sixteen, and how our few hours together had impacted me in ways that I still cannot describe adequately. Since Carlisle saved me by venom, I have desired to live my life by letting the past stay in the past and being adaptable, having faith in our love, and following my heart, although I had not been able to completely do so until after 1931.
That night Carlisle had looked at me baffled, uncertain as to why I had voted no. He looked at Edward and chose to give Edward his request. I understood Carlisle's vote. It was a vote to allow Edward to do what he himself had chosen to do. He saw it as the noble choice then and he did in that moment. Carlisle and I had worked out in the end. Carlisle counted on the same outcome for Edward and Bella. However, Carlisle had failed to consider the cost that I had paid for that choice. In the moment of the vote, I had hoped that the cost wouldn't be too high for Bella, but I had a foreboding sense.
At the end of the last day that Carlisle and Edward were in Forks, according to Carlisle, Edward went to say his last goodbye to Bella, but did not return as he had told Carlisle he would. Edward ran, as I had predicted. Thus, when Carlisle arrived in Alaska he was glum and guilt-ridden, which our children had never witnessed before, and caused the whole home to be unusually tense. Alice called, in her usual optimism, informing us that she would find Edward. It was clear in her tone that she believed that bringing Edward home would improve the mood of the family. Thus, she and Jasper in tow tracked him down forcing him to join us in Ithaca.
My conclusion as we closed up our Alaska home was that perhaps, in retrospect, my silence hadn't been for the best.
When Alice arrived with Edward the mood of the house shifted from glum and worried to sour and touchy. It was like everyone was walking on eggshells. I had lived that life in my first marriage and wasn't keen to repeat it. Consequently, it was the tone of the home rather than Edward's actual behaviours that concerned me. We were all dependent upon each other in many ways, including emotionally, but something about this situation made me feel as if I were on high alert and I did not like it. I had to consciously remind myself that my first husband had not returned and the circumstances were not the same. Each time Jasper sent out his faux calm I allowed it to do its work.
Edward blamed himself, as I had suspected he would, for the events at Bella's birthday party as well as the mood of the family. His own grief and pain from leaving her obscured him from seeing that we all missed Bella in our own ways. His own sorrow and self-loathing consumed him. It prevented him from seeing beyond what he was inflicting in Jasper, and our own thoughts. I attempted to make his burden lighter by focusing on the task at hand and not allowing the strain between Carlisle and I or my grief of leaving Bella to enter into my mind, but sometimes my thoughts circled round to them. I was uncertain how much of these thoughts he was taking in, but I knew from the past that it made a difference.
Carlisle was frustrated with his incapacity to reach Edward, just as he had been unable to do so right before Edward had left us in 1927. Carlisle seemed to recognise that his family was falling apart and that he didn't know how to fix it. As a man, a father, a husband, and our family's leader he was failing and his lack of capacity to solve the problem only exasperated him, leading him to try harder to reach Edward. It didn't take long for Edward to run. His excuse was to hunt the vile creature that might harm Bella, Victoria, just in case.
After Edward left, I found myself behaving very much as I had after I had been turned. I sat on the ledge in the window of my room my legs tucked under, me my eyes watching the elements in the natural environment change, while mentally I was lost in my thoughts. With Edward in our household, I had not been able to drown in my own thoughts for so long. Perhaps it was a good thing, because my thoughts tended to contain the 'what ifs' when left to their own devices.
I thought about a great many things: about those early years, about the years when Edward had not been with Carlisle and I, about those first difficult years after Rosalie was changed, but before she found Emmett. But more than anything, I thought about how different things might have been if Carlisle had been more willing to follow his heart than his head all those years ago in 1911.
It had just turned December, so we would all be gathering together at the end of the month. I expected that Edward wouldn't show, when my dear Alice came up to spend time with me. She settled herself on the floor under my perch.
"Was it like this when Edward left before?" she immediately asked.
Looking at her carefully, I wondered what her question was all about.
She just sat there expectantly as if starting in the middle of her thought was perfectly acceptable.
"Yes and no," I finally answered. "Yes the house was morose, no because it was just Carlisle and I then."
It seemed that Jasper was also listening. Perhaps Alice knew that he needed to hear my answers.
Carlisle wouldn't be back for hours. He was managing how he knew best–fixing problems he could at work and going even longer between feeds. I understood why he was acting in these ways, so said nothing, but similar to the last time Edward had left, it caused me to feel very alone and helpless in my capacity to ease the pain my husband felt.
These weeks since Edward had left, Alice had been an incredible support, and I suspected this was one of her schemes to help me.
"Tell me about him before he ran away," she insisted.
So, I did.
Perhaps none of our children really understood the changes, both positive and negative, that being away from us had done for Edward. Alice might have seen Edward's actions in her visions, but even she wouldn't have comprehended the complete ramifications of what she had seen. I barely did. Perhaps she was looking for faith in my stories. After a little bit, it became apparent that hope was what Alice needed. She probably was feeling responsible in some way for how things were in our family. Whatever it was, eventually Jasper joined her in my room.
Thus, Alice and Jasper sat on the floor together while I remained on my favourite perch telling stories of the sweet, tender, considerate, thoughtful, yet innocent young man that had been Edward in those early years.
I came out of my memories when I heard the familiar sound of the Mercedes coming up the drive.
"Perhaps you'll tell more tomorrow?" Alice asked gently.
"Let us see," was all that I could promise her.
Shortly after they scattered, Carlisle came into our room.
"How was your day?" I asked my husband while I kept my eyes focused on the outside world.
"Nothing terribly gruesome," he answered.
He showered and changed coming over afterwards and holding me in his arms.
After the sun had risen and nearly reached its apex he said, "Alice and Jasper were in here today?"
I looked up at him wondering why he would ask. Unable to find a suitable answer I told him, "Yes, Alice asked for stories about Edward before his rebellious period." I seemed to be unable to rid myself of the monotone pitch in my voice that has plagued me since the table conference.
He nodded.
We needed no words. Nothing had changed since our conversation in Alaska.
We had gone out hunting together, as much as for privacy as anything else. Neither of us were the big predator hunters like our boys, so it never took very long to find something we were willing to drink. Afterwards, we had sat in the snow on the mountainside holding hands and enjoying the view.
"Talk to me," I had finally requested knowing that he was lost in his thoughts.
"I can't lose him," was all he had said with anguish enough for the both of us.
"We will not," I had replied mutedly.
"You can't be certain," had been his retort.
"I can feel it in my heart. I have faith." All my words came out even and dry.
"I feel like God doesn't hear my prayers," he had stated in humiliation and guilt.
"Is that because you're not getting the answer you want?" My question was as even and dry in tone as my statements had been.
I could feel the shock coming from him. Never before had I been so bold, nor had I ever before questioned his relationship with his God like this.
"Perhaps," had been all he said in a small sad voice.
He had been at his breaking point. He was becoming undone in that moment and my usually gentle, compassionate, hopeful husband was scared. It had not been the time to explain my reasons for voting as I had. My children needed him.
"We will be okay, Carlisle," I had promised him. "Your God didn't give you all of us to take it all away from you. You are worthy of His gifts. Edward is struggling and handling things in his own way. He will return. He is not lost to you."
He had nodded sadly, but I could tell that my words had done their trick; they had assuaged his worst fears. It wasn't a cure, but it was enough for the time being. For better or worse, all of our lives were irrevocable tied together.
The memory of this conversation played over and over as he held me until it was nearly time for him to return to the hospital. Both during that conversation in Alaska and while sitting on my perch, I wondered if I should have said more to Carlisle.
"Do you need me to stay?" he asked, as was now his habit.
I shook my head. "No, you go. Save those you can. I will be here when you return, Dr. Cullen."
Despite my lack of intonation, he knew he could trust my words. He nodded and went to get ready.
"I love you," he reminded me before he went out the door.
"And I you," I reminded him.
Eventually Jasper and Alice came back and I picked up where I had left off. After a few days of this routine there was nothing else to tell.
"He'll come back," Alice spoke authoritatively. "He's always come back," she stated, her tone firm.
She was right. I just wished I had her capacity to speak so assuredly. I turned to Jasper.
He appeared contemplative.
"How are you holding up?" I asked him as had become my custom.
"As well as can be expected" was his reply, as it had been each previous time I had asked.
"I hope I'm not adding to your burden," I told him sincerely.
I didn't want to imagine if my struggles were adding to his. A certain amount of that was unavoidable, but since he joined our family and became my third son, I had always attempted to be considerate of how I might unnecessarily burden him and often waited until he was out of the house to focus on how I was feeling.
He shook his head. "No more than anyone else."
I nodded. It was the best I could hope for in times like these.
Alice had been keeping a close eye on Edward. I never asked. She would let us know if she saw something worth sharing. I couldn't imagine the burden of her gift, seeing so many possible futures. I did not want to conceive of all the terrible possibilities she has seen before Edward would have talked himself out of it. So instead I looked over at her and smiled in a way that I hoped was comforting.
Maybe it was telling the stories of Edward before he left or perhaps the fact that I was free to think my thoughts without considering the burden they would have on Edward, I could not be certain. But with me on my perch and Jasper and Alice sitting on the floor quietly simply being with me, I began to imagine what Carlisle's life was like when he met me, and what would have happened if he had followed his heart just a little bit more.
A/N: For readers interested in my version of the voting scene to leave Bella in Forks, it can be found in Chapter 1 of Cosmology Shifts, and is told from Alice's point of view.
So, I have to admit that I was very nervous about this story despite kiwihipp's incredible support. This AU might be described as a re-imagining of cannon, particularly because it goes so far back in time. It is the butterfly effect. Simultaneously, this is the first story I wrote focusing on Carlisle's or Esme's lived experiences. If that were not enough, this story contains content that reflects what it means to be married with children as apposed to being a teenager, which were my two previous stories. That all said, I would greatly appreciate to hear your thoughts. Your feedback helps me immensely and I greatly appreciate it.
I hope you enjoyed the first chapter.