BIRD: The Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manual
CONGRATULATIONS!
You are now the proud owner of a BIRD unit!
Follow the guidelines in tHer manual and your BIRD will give you decades of quality performance.
INSTALLATION
When you receive and unwrap your BIRD, make sure the temperature isn't too cold. She was born in the north, after all, and isn't accustomed to chilly weather. It is not necessary to remove any clothes at this time, unless you just want to. Perhaps a physical examination SHOULD be in order, just to make sure you weren't issued a faulty unit.
Your BIRD should arrive fully assembled and charged. Please check that you have all her accessories (see below) and that you have been issued with the correct edition of the BIRD unit.
(a) BIRD (copyright McElroy/Horvat, 2010)
TECHNICAL SPECIFICATIONS
Name: Jessica Bird
Nickname: Bird
Position: Chef/Second Medic
Warship: HMAS Hammersley
Country: Australia
Parents: Mr and Mrs Bird
Height: insufficient data
Weight: insufficient data
Hair Color: Dark Brown
Eyes: brown
OPERATING PROCEDURE
Your BIRD unit has been designed to be user-friendly. Her controls are voice activated. Please state your commands clearly in Standard.
Remember that your BIRD is not just aesthetically pleasing; he has multiple functions.
Intelligence Quotient:
As one of the Navy's most brilliant Second Medics, the BIRD unit's IQ is far above average! He can recall the scientific names of illnesses, as well as their corresponding symptoms and cures on cue.
Combat:
Your BIRD unit is programmed with only a basic knowledge of defense. As long as she has her browning handy, he should be fine. However, if he ever had to, say, fight off a gun-weidling fisherman with only her hands for a weapon, you're in trouble! Call for the battle-tested BUFFER and CHARGE units immediately to save her!
Emotions:
Your BIRD can offer the emotional point of view on any matter that happens to be troubling you. The odds are her intuitions are right. Feel free to confide in her about any relationship problems – she's a great listener.
Doctor's Notes:
Need to get out of a test or skip out on a lame evening with the parents of a prospective boyfriend/girlfriend? No problem! Your BIRD unit can give her medical signature of approval so that no one is the wiser about you playing hooky. Isn't he just handy like that? The 2DADS unit certainly thinks so. Not that he's ever done anything of that sort… *snort*
Medical Supplies:
The BIRD unit has a large variety of medical supplies on board the ship, and may use them at the most inopportune times (like when you're trying to chat up a hot guy/chick). Be sure to tell her to ask first before administering a needle in public. Especially if you might be allergic to it.
However, there is a silver lining to this. The BIRD unit's supplies cure hangovers. The end.
COMPATIBILITY WITH OTHER MODELS
You will find that your BIRD is compatible with most other humans. If you would like to breed from her, consult the RYAN model. Even though relationships on board ships are a no-no. The maintenance of a BIRD unit when socializing with others is generally not problematic after the first few hours. However, some minor adjustments might be necessary. The BIRD model has three modes of interaction:
(a) Friendly
(b) Determined
(c) Angry
ACCESSORIES
The items with which your BIRD comes with:
BIRD: Wears the standard Navy DPNU's. Pistol, radio and a medi-ket.
CLEANING
Depending on the uses to which you put your BIRD, you may have to clean her on a regular basis. Trust me, she usually enjoys this ritual quite thoroughly.
LUBRICATION
To ensure that your BIRD remains in good working order, moving parts should be lubricated regularly.
RECHARGING
After long periods of use, your BIRD's energy levels may become depleted. Use the following procedures to recharge your medic:
Food:
Your BIRD likes to set a healthy example for the rest of the crew and usually eats a balanced meal of grains, dairy, poultry, fruits, and vegetables. However, I also hear from a reliable source that she enjoys Australian delicacies, such as Meat Pies and sauce.
Drink:
Your BIRD is too busy lecturing the other members of the crew about the benefits of drinking enough water, that she often forgets to drink enough for herself. If she swears she's had enough water, give her coffee.
Sleep:
You may be surprised by the minute amount of sleep your BIRD needs to function. She's had to look after half the crew when they all got sick, so she's used to not getting as much sleep as the rest of us. I'd recommend making her get seven hours of sleep between shifts, unless there's a major pandemic on board the ship.
SECURITY
Thanks to the popularity of the BIRD unit, it essential that you observe the following security procedures for the safekeeping of your unit.
* Have your BIRD micro-chipped. (She can even perform the simple operation on herself!)
* Do not leave your BIRD unattended in public.
* Do not lend your BIRD to anyone
FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS
Q: My BIRD keeps "forgetting" to sleep between her shifts in the Wardroom. She simply refuses to leave her patients, even when I remind her she is going against Navy regs. What do I do?
A: Tell her you're going to mention to the XO unit that the BIRD unit is refusing to cooperate and needs a Navy 101 on how much sleep medic's need. She will be frightened that much, that she will rush to her quarters and have some sleeping pills.
TROUBLE SHOOTING
Problem: Your BIRD continues to loudly sing bad 80s hits such as in the shower, and it's interfering with your sanity. You've asked her to STFU in the shower, but she won't listen.
Solution: Tell her that if you're going to let her sing in the shower, she has to read one page of "Twilight" for each time that she does it. Your problem will be eliminated in less than a week – guaranteed!
ADDITIONAL INFO
For questions or concerns not addressed in this guide, please feel free to contact us at mailing address:
NAVCOM
PO BOX 1701
CAIRNS, QLD
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