*** I don't any of the characters contained herewithin nor do I own any rights to the song used. The song I use is "Voices Carry" by Til Tuesday (an old 80s band). It's a one-parter (but that doesn't mean that I won't follow it up if the mood strikes). It's PG-13 for language and allusions to sexuality. I hope you like it. Please review. ***
Trish Stratus' POV
// I'm in the dark,
I'd like to read his mind //
His eyes looked stunned when I helped him to his feet. I thought he might be a little shocked when I came to cheer him on during his match against the Big Show, but the completely stunned look caught me off guard. He looked so vulnerable. I had known him for nearly two years and he had never seemed vulnerable.
So I kissed him. Maybe I thought it would make him feel strong. Maybe I thought it would keep him vulnerable. Maybe I just wanted to kiss the little boy he had never shown me before. I honestly don't know why I kissed him. The kiss was a shock to him too. I could feel him tense. But then he softened and almost returned the kiss...but then I broke away.
I won't say it's the best kiss I've ever had. But it was the most special kiss I've ever had. I'll remember that kiss for the rest of my life. I can only hope Jeff will too.
// But I'm frightened of the things I might find.
Oh, there must be something he's thinking of to tear him away //
His eyes seemed to look through me when I finally found him in a bar later that night. I had to call everyone I could think of to find him. Most of them thought I just wanted to ruin Jeff, make his life miserable. Not too many people were willing to help me. Luckily, Edge and Christian do not consider themselves friends of the Hardy Boyz.
"Jeff," I said softly, placing my hand on his arm.
He didn't move, not even to shrug away from me. He looked at me and then looked away. I felt my heart hammering in my chest with fear. "Please talk to me," I pleaded.
"How could you do that to me?" Jeff asked.
"I couldn't help myself Jeff," I explained helplessly. "I had never seen that look in your eyes before and all I could think of to do was kiss you."
"That look?" Jeff asked, finally looking at me. "What look was that?"
"You looked scared, well, not really scared," I said, trying to choose my words carefully. "You looked vulnerable, like I could destroy you if I wanted to."
"Do you want to?" Jeff asked, his eyebrow arched in a way that I find very appealing.
It was my turn to be completely stunned, "I thought you knew me better than that."
// When I tell him I'm falling in love,
Why does he say... //
I traced patterns on his bare chest. He had finally forgiven me for kissing him. We had a couple of drinks and then left for the hotel. He wrapped his arm around my waist and I felt like I was going to burst with joy. I'm sure everyone in the world knows that I'm no stranger to relationships, but when I'm with him I feel like a schoolgirl.
Who would have ever thought Trish Stratus was having a secret relationship with Jeff Hardy? Four months ago I would have laughed pretty hard myself. Four months ago was when Matt and Lita were getting pretty hot and heavy and I was getting rid of Vince McMahon after he humiliated me. Jeff was always trying to avoid Matt and Lita, both because they were into public displays of affection and because he was attracted to Lita. Shane and I had just begun plotting how to get even with Vince. I would run into Jeff in bars and hotel lobbies. I guess we began to talk on a pretty regular basis. Jeff was the only other person who knew what was going to happen at Wrestlemania X-Seven.
After awhile our friendship became something more. Jeff would sleep in my room because he didn't like hearing what went on between his brother and the girl he had secretly had a crush on. And then he kissed me one night. It felt so right to me that I couldn't pull away.
I bit my lip, looking up at his face in the dark. It had been a little over a month since I had fallen in love with him. But I couldn't tell him. I didn't know how he might react. Actually, I did know. I just didn't want to have my heart broken so soon.
// Hush, hush
Keep it down now,
Voices carry //
"I love you," I whispered when I was sure he was asleep. Everyone deserves to hear that from time to time. And I did love him. I couldn't just keep that inside. At least he's heard me say it in his sleep.
I woke up halfway through the night and I was no longer in his arms. He was on his side, with his back turned to me. I couldn't help but feel a little hurt. He probably had no clue I even said something. But I have this childish need to be in his arms.
I got out of bed and put on my robe. I went and brewed a cup of coffee and then went and sat on the balcony. I love looking out on the lights of a city at night. It reminded me off when I was growing up. In my wildest dreams, I never imagined I would be a WWF Diva. But I never imagined I would be a slut either. I can look out at the lights and pretend that I'm happy with what I've become.
I heard a rustling of sheets in the room and plodding footsteps walk toward the balcony. Jeff slid the door open and softly called, "Trish?"
// I try so hard not to get upset,
Because I know all the trouble I'll get. //
"Yeah?" I asked, taking another sip off the now cold coffee.
"What are you doing?" Jeff asked, coming out onto the balcony. He had pulled on his boxers. He rubbed his arms even though it was still warm outside.
"I couldn't sleep," I answered. I could see the first rays of the sun. I must have been on the balcony for a long time, lost in thought.
"Why can't you sleep?" Jeff asked, kneeling down next to my chair.
"I don't know," I lied. I wanted to tell him that he confused me. One minute I could swear he was so close to loving me, the next minute he can make me feel like crap. I wanted to tell him that I needed him to love me if I was going to stay with me.
He took the cup of coffee from my hand and took a sip. A look of disgust crossed his face. "Well, you've been out here a while I guess."
"I guess," I agreed, raking a hand through my hair.
"How about you and I go visit that queen-sized bed in there for a little while," Jeff whispered in my hair, "then I will take you to breakfast."
I looked into his eyes. There was a definite look of affection in them. I nodded and let him lift me out of my chair. I softly kissed his lips.
// Oh, he tells me tears are something to hide,
And something to fear //
Hours later I was in the bathroom of my hotel room. I looked at myself and wondered when I started valuing myself so little. I had never let someone keep me as their dirty little secret. Even Vince McMahon had been more public about our relationship than Jeff was.
But every time I looked into Jeff's eyes, I found a reason to hope that things would change. I couldn't help but hope that Jeff would realize how good I could be for him. I was pretty sure he was over Lita, but I didn't know. He'd never let me inside his head or his heart.
I know that for my own sanity and self-image, things needed to change soon. But I couldn't let Jeff now the power he had over me. I've used the power of emotions against other people and I know the devastating effects those emotions could have. I refused to allow someone, even someone I loved, to treat my emotions like toys. I knew it was hypocritical, but sometimes survival requires hypocrisy.
// And I try so hard to keep it inside,
So no one can hear //
Jeff smiled at me when I came out of the bathroom. He took my hand and pulled me into his lap. "I'm sorry for overreacting to the kiss last night."
"I'm sorry for kissing you like that," I lied. I was so glad I had kissed him. I stood half-a-chance of convincing Jeff that our relationship could be out in the open because of that kiss.
"It kind of put me in a tight place there," Jeff said, nodding. "I don't know if people are quite ready for us yet Trish."
He took my chin in his hands and kissed me lightly. I wrapped my arms around his neck and he took the kiss farther. I was breathless when he pulled away from me.
"So you understand why we have to make it seem like we don't already have a relationship?" Jeff asked, nuzzling me neck with his lips.
// Hush, hush
Keep it down now,
Voices carry //
"What?" I asked, pulling away from Jeff.
"Trish," Jeff sighed. "I'm ready to start having a public relationship. But I don't want people to know that we have been sleeping together for two months."
"Oh," I said, standing up. I pretended to be busy packing my clothes. I tried to block the tears forming in my eyes. We were only sleeping together? With those two words, Jeff had managed to cheapen our entire relationship. "I see."
"Don't pull this shit," Jeff said, as he moved to stand behind me.
"This shit?" I asked, turning towards him. I was pretty sure my eyes were dry. "What shit would this be?"
"Don't play the martyr here," Jeff said, rubbing his hands up and down mine. "I'm ready to be with you. What else do you want?"
// He wants me,
But only part of the time //
"Nothing," I finally said. I turned away from Jeff again. I felt like I needed some distance. I felt like I was forgetting who I was.
"Great," Jeff said happily. He was completely oblivious to how upset I was. "Then we can play that kiss off tonight. Any plans?"
I smiled brightly at him. "Of course I do."
"You always do," Jeff said. He pulled me to him again. "I like that about you."
"Anything else you like about me?" I asked flirtatiously.
"I like the way you scream my name," Jeff whispered in my ear.
"Hey," I said, gently pushing him away. "We have things to do."
// He wants me,
If he can keep me in line. //
"I was just caught up in the moment and..." I said, trailing off as I looked up into Jeff's eyes.
"Trish, I'm not mad that you kissed me," Jeff said. He wasn't doing this like we had planned. I mean, he was saying what he supposed to do. But he was acting a lot more interested in me than he was supposed to. I felt my inside turning to liquid as he looked at me.
"You don't?" I asked, just before Lita and Matt interrupted us.
When I walked away a few moments later I could feel Jeff's eyes still on me. I looked at the tape later and saw the very interested look that had been in his eyes as I walked away. I wanted to go to him then and ask him what was up. I had no idea why he was changing things.
But I knew better. Golden rule number One: always do what Jeff wants or the relationship will end. Golden rule number Two: never let Matt and Lita know how serious things are. Golden rule number Three: never, ever tell Jeff you are in love with him.
// Hush, hush
Keep it down now,
Voices carry //
Pure, unadulterated rage. I had never been so angry as when I saw that slut Torrie Wilson with her MOUTH on Jeff. And he didn't pull away!
I left the arena right after. Two straight nights of problems between Jeff and I. But he wasn't going to get off the hook easily this time. I could not believe he let that, that whore kiss him.
Lita had been pretty angry too. Maybe even more angry than she had been when I had kissed Matt. I know everyone thought I kissed Matt to help Show, but it was a plan to throw people off the path. One or two people had suspected that Jeff and I were getting cozy. But who kisses their boyfriend's brother? I have to tell you, I was pretty disgusted with myself afterwards.
I locked myself up in my hotel room that night. I didn't answer the phone or the knocks on the door. After a while they stopped. Until about three in the morning.
Then he was banging on the door.
// Hush, hush darling
She might overhear.
Oh no - voices carry. //
"What?" I hissed as I opened the door. It was restrained by the security chain.
"Let me in," Jeff demanded. He was very, very drunk.
"You're dreaming," I answered. "Maybe after you sober up. And maybe not even then."
"Damn you Trish," Jeff said. "I try to make you happy. I try so damn hard to be around you. What else do you want from me?"
"I want you to care enough for me to not let someone else kiss you!" I exclaimed. "Now get out of here, someone might overhear."
Jeff snorted at the irony. "You wanted our relationship to be public, here we go!"
"You aren't ready for the kind of relationship I want little boy," I replied.
"What do you want?" Jeff asked.
"Love," I answered, slamming my door closed.
// He said shut up
He said shut up //
The next morning I walked out of my room with my suitcase in hand. I felt so much better about myself. Sure, it was weird to spend the night alone, but I had finally told Jeff what I was worthy of. I was worthy of his love.
The coffee I drank was better than normal. The grapefruit I ate was delicious. I was a human being and I had worth damn it. Please stop me when I start sounding like Vince McMahon. I could admit that I loved Jeff Hardy to anyone who asked. But I could also tell Jeff Hardy that I could walk out on him if he wasn't going to try and love me.
Girls dig us? I laughed mirthfully when I thought about what Jeff had said after Torrie Wilson had kissed him. No way, they just hated me. Well, they would get their's. Lita was going to kick Stacy Kiebler's ass. I had no problem stripping that blonde bimbo Wilson to her underwear...maybe more. It is national television after all.
"I'm sorry," a voice said behind me. I turned to see Jeff looking like a school boy that had missed a homework assignment. He still wasn't ready. I could see it in his eyes.
"Give me a call when you grow up Jeff," I said. With that I left the hotel restaurant. I felt Jeff staring after me again. Let him stare.
// Oh God, can't you keep it down?
Voices carry
I wish he'd let me talk //
Later that night there was a knock on my door. I opened the door to see a red rose lying in front of it. I picked up the flower. There was also a note.
Dear Trish: I won't pretend that I'm in love with you. But I'd like to try if you'd like to give me the chance. I know I haven't been fair to you. I deserve for you to walk out of my life. You are a special person and I'm sorry if I've ruined everything. Yours, Jeff.
I sat on my bed. Jeff had grown about ten years in one day. Maybe I was important to him. Maybe he would let himself fall in love with me. Or maybe we were both fooling ourselves. I couldn't know for sure.
He was stunned when he saw me. But I expected that. The kiss stunned him too. But after a few moments he eagerly returned it.
"I promise to try," Jeff said softly.
"That's all I ask," I replied.
Maybe he isn't perfect. Maybe I'm not perfect. Maybe he will never love me. But I love him and I'm willing to give him another chance. Maybe he'll show me it was a good risk.
Trish Stratus' POV
// I'm in the dark,
I'd like to read his mind //
His eyes looked stunned when I helped him to his feet. I thought he might be a little shocked when I came to cheer him on during his match against the Big Show, but the completely stunned look caught me off guard. He looked so vulnerable. I had known him for nearly two years and he had never seemed vulnerable.
So I kissed him. Maybe I thought it would make him feel strong. Maybe I thought it would keep him vulnerable. Maybe I just wanted to kiss the little boy he had never shown me before. I honestly don't know why I kissed him. The kiss was a shock to him too. I could feel him tense. But then he softened and almost returned the kiss...but then I broke away.
I won't say it's the best kiss I've ever had. But it was the most special kiss I've ever had. I'll remember that kiss for the rest of my life. I can only hope Jeff will too.
// But I'm frightened of the things I might find.
Oh, there must be something he's thinking of to tear him away //
His eyes seemed to look through me when I finally found him in a bar later that night. I had to call everyone I could think of to find him. Most of them thought I just wanted to ruin Jeff, make his life miserable. Not too many people were willing to help me. Luckily, Edge and Christian do not consider themselves friends of the Hardy Boyz.
"Jeff," I said softly, placing my hand on his arm.
He didn't move, not even to shrug away from me. He looked at me and then looked away. I felt my heart hammering in my chest with fear. "Please talk to me," I pleaded.
"How could you do that to me?" Jeff asked.
"I couldn't help myself Jeff," I explained helplessly. "I had never seen that look in your eyes before and all I could think of to do was kiss you."
"That look?" Jeff asked, finally looking at me. "What look was that?"
"You looked scared, well, not really scared," I said, trying to choose my words carefully. "You looked vulnerable, like I could destroy you if I wanted to."
"Do you want to?" Jeff asked, his eyebrow arched in a way that I find very appealing.
It was my turn to be completely stunned, "I thought you knew me better than that."
// When I tell him I'm falling in love,
Why does he say... //
I traced patterns on his bare chest. He had finally forgiven me for kissing him. We had a couple of drinks and then left for the hotel. He wrapped his arm around my waist and I felt like I was going to burst with joy. I'm sure everyone in the world knows that I'm no stranger to relationships, but when I'm with him I feel like a schoolgirl.
Who would have ever thought Trish Stratus was having a secret relationship with Jeff Hardy? Four months ago I would have laughed pretty hard myself. Four months ago was when Matt and Lita were getting pretty hot and heavy and I was getting rid of Vince McMahon after he humiliated me. Jeff was always trying to avoid Matt and Lita, both because they were into public displays of affection and because he was attracted to Lita. Shane and I had just begun plotting how to get even with Vince. I would run into Jeff in bars and hotel lobbies. I guess we began to talk on a pretty regular basis. Jeff was the only other person who knew what was going to happen at Wrestlemania X-Seven.
After awhile our friendship became something more. Jeff would sleep in my room because he didn't like hearing what went on between his brother and the girl he had secretly had a crush on. And then he kissed me one night. It felt so right to me that I couldn't pull away.
I bit my lip, looking up at his face in the dark. It had been a little over a month since I had fallen in love with him. But I couldn't tell him. I didn't know how he might react. Actually, I did know. I just didn't want to have my heart broken so soon.
// Hush, hush
Keep it down now,
Voices carry //
"I love you," I whispered when I was sure he was asleep. Everyone deserves to hear that from time to time. And I did love him. I couldn't just keep that inside. At least he's heard me say it in his sleep.
I woke up halfway through the night and I was no longer in his arms. He was on his side, with his back turned to me. I couldn't help but feel a little hurt. He probably had no clue I even said something. But I have this childish need to be in his arms.
I got out of bed and put on my robe. I went and brewed a cup of coffee and then went and sat on the balcony. I love looking out on the lights of a city at night. It reminded me off when I was growing up. In my wildest dreams, I never imagined I would be a WWF Diva. But I never imagined I would be a slut either. I can look out at the lights and pretend that I'm happy with what I've become.
I heard a rustling of sheets in the room and plodding footsteps walk toward the balcony. Jeff slid the door open and softly called, "Trish?"
// I try so hard not to get upset,
Because I know all the trouble I'll get. //
"Yeah?" I asked, taking another sip off the now cold coffee.
"What are you doing?" Jeff asked, coming out onto the balcony. He had pulled on his boxers. He rubbed his arms even though it was still warm outside.
"I couldn't sleep," I answered. I could see the first rays of the sun. I must have been on the balcony for a long time, lost in thought.
"Why can't you sleep?" Jeff asked, kneeling down next to my chair.
"I don't know," I lied. I wanted to tell him that he confused me. One minute I could swear he was so close to loving me, the next minute he can make me feel like crap. I wanted to tell him that I needed him to love me if I was going to stay with me.
He took the cup of coffee from my hand and took a sip. A look of disgust crossed his face. "Well, you've been out here a while I guess."
"I guess," I agreed, raking a hand through my hair.
"How about you and I go visit that queen-sized bed in there for a little while," Jeff whispered in my hair, "then I will take you to breakfast."
I looked into his eyes. There was a definite look of affection in them. I nodded and let him lift me out of my chair. I softly kissed his lips.
// Oh, he tells me tears are something to hide,
And something to fear //
Hours later I was in the bathroom of my hotel room. I looked at myself and wondered when I started valuing myself so little. I had never let someone keep me as their dirty little secret. Even Vince McMahon had been more public about our relationship than Jeff was.
But every time I looked into Jeff's eyes, I found a reason to hope that things would change. I couldn't help but hope that Jeff would realize how good I could be for him. I was pretty sure he was over Lita, but I didn't know. He'd never let me inside his head or his heart.
I know that for my own sanity and self-image, things needed to change soon. But I couldn't let Jeff now the power he had over me. I've used the power of emotions against other people and I know the devastating effects those emotions could have. I refused to allow someone, even someone I loved, to treat my emotions like toys. I knew it was hypocritical, but sometimes survival requires hypocrisy.
// And I try so hard to keep it inside,
So no one can hear //
Jeff smiled at me when I came out of the bathroom. He took my hand and pulled me into his lap. "I'm sorry for overreacting to the kiss last night."
"I'm sorry for kissing you like that," I lied. I was so glad I had kissed him. I stood half-a-chance of convincing Jeff that our relationship could be out in the open because of that kiss.
"It kind of put me in a tight place there," Jeff said, nodding. "I don't know if people are quite ready for us yet Trish."
He took my chin in his hands and kissed me lightly. I wrapped my arms around his neck and he took the kiss farther. I was breathless when he pulled away from me.
"So you understand why we have to make it seem like we don't already have a relationship?" Jeff asked, nuzzling me neck with his lips.
// Hush, hush
Keep it down now,
Voices carry //
"What?" I asked, pulling away from Jeff.
"Trish," Jeff sighed. "I'm ready to start having a public relationship. But I don't want people to know that we have been sleeping together for two months."
"Oh," I said, standing up. I pretended to be busy packing my clothes. I tried to block the tears forming in my eyes. We were only sleeping together? With those two words, Jeff had managed to cheapen our entire relationship. "I see."
"Don't pull this shit," Jeff said, as he moved to stand behind me.
"This shit?" I asked, turning towards him. I was pretty sure my eyes were dry. "What shit would this be?"
"Don't play the martyr here," Jeff said, rubbing his hands up and down mine. "I'm ready to be with you. What else do you want?"
// He wants me,
But only part of the time //
"Nothing," I finally said. I turned away from Jeff again. I felt like I needed some distance. I felt like I was forgetting who I was.
"Great," Jeff said happily. He was completely oblivious to how upset I was. "Then we can play that kiss off tonight. Any plans?"
I smiled brightly at him. "Of course I do."
"You always do," Jeff said. He pulled me to him again. "I like that about you."
"Anything else you like about me?" I asked flirtatiously.
"I like the way you scream my name," Jeff whispered in my ear.
"Hey," I said, gently pushing him away. "We have things to do."
// He wants me,
If he can keep me in line. //
"I was just caught up in the moment and..." I said, trailing off as I looked up into Jeff's eyes.
"Trish, I'm not mad that you kissed me," Jeff said. He wasn't doing this like we had planned. I mean, he was saying what he supposed to do. But he was acting a lot more interested in me than he was supposed to. I felt my inside turning to liquid as he looked at me.
"You don't?" I asked, just before Lita and Matt interrupted us.
When I walked away a few moments later I could feel Jeff's eyes still on me. I looked at the tape later and saw the very interested look that had been in his eyes as I walked away. I wanted to go to him then and ask him what was up. I had no idea why he was changing things.
But I knew better. Golden rule number One: always do what Jeff wants or the relationship will end. Golden rule number Two: never let Matt and Lita know how serious things are. Golden rule number Three: never, ever tell Jeff you are in love with him.
// Hush, hush
Keep it down now,
Voices carry //
Pure, unadulterated rage. I had never been so angry as when I saw that slut Torrie Wilson with her MOUTH on Jeff. And he didn't pull away!
I left the arena right after. Two straight nights of problems between Jeff and I. But he wasn't going to get off the hook easily this time. I could not believe he let that, that whore kiss him.
Lita had been pretty angry too. Maybe even more angry than she had been when I had kissed Matt. I know everyone thought I kissed Matt to help Show, but it was a plan to throw people off the path. One or two people had suspected that Jeff and I were getting cozy. But who kisses their boyfriend's brother? I have to tell you, I was pretty disgusted with myself afterwards.
I locked myself up in my hotel room that night. I didn't answer the phone or the knocks on the door. After a while they stopped. Until about three in the morning.
Then he was banging on the door.
// Hush, hush darling
She might overhear.
Oh no - voices carry. //
"What?" I hissed as I opened the door. It was restrained by the security chain.
"Let me in," Jeff demanded. He was very, very drunk.
"You're dreaming," I answered. "Maybe after you sober up. And maybe not even then."
"Damn you Trish," Jeff said. "I try to make you happy. I try so damn hard to be around you. What else do you want from me?"
"I want you to care enough for me to not let someone else kiss you!" I exclaimed. "Now get out of here, someone might overhear."
Jeff snorted at the irony. "You wanted our relationship to be public, here we go!"
"You aren't ready for the kind of relationship I want little boy," I replied.
"What do you want?" Jeff asked.
"Love," I answered, slamming my door closed.
// He said shut up
He said shut up //
The next morning I walked out of my room with my suitcase in hand. I felt so much better about myself. Sure, it was weird to spend the night alone, but I had finally told Jeff what I was worthy of. I was worthy of his love.
The coffee I drank was better than normal. The grapefruit I ate was delicious. I was a human being and I had worth damn it. Please stop me when I start sounding like Vince McMahon. I could admit that I loved Jeff Hardy to anyone who asked. But I could also tell Jeff Hardy that I could walk out on him if he wasn't going to try and love me.
Girls dig us? I laughed mirthfully when I thought about what Jeff had said after Torrie Wilson had kissed him. No way, they just hated me. Well, they would get their's. Lita was going to kick Stacy Kiebler's ass. I had no problem stripping that blonde bimbo Wilson to her underwear...maybe more. It is national television after all.
"I'm sorry," a voice said behind me. I turned to see Jeff looking like a school boy that had missed a homework assignment. He still wasn't ready. I could see it in his eyes.
"Give me a call when you grow up Jeff," I said. With that I left the hotel restaurant. I felt Jeff staring after me again. Let him stare.
// Oh God, can't you keep it down?
Voices carry
I wish he'd let me talk //
Later that night there was a knock on my door. I opened the door to see a red rose lying in front of it. I picked up the flower. There was also a note.
Dear Trish: I won't pretend that I'm in love with you. But I'd like to try if you'd like to give me the chance. I know I haven't been fair to you. I deserve for you to walk out of my life. You are a special person and I'm sorry if I've ruined everything. Yours, Jeff.
I sat on my bed. Jeff had grown about ten years in one day. Maybe I was important to him. Maybe he would let himself fall in love with me. Or maybe we were both fooling ourselves. I couldn't know for sure.
He was stunned when he saw me. But I expected that. The kiss stunned him too. But after a few moments he eagerly returned it.
"I promise to try," Jeff said softly.
"That's all I ask," I replied.
Maybe he isn't perfect. Maybe I'm not perfect. Maybe he will never love me. But I love him and I'm willing to give him another chance. Maybe he'll show me it was a good risk.