Red, White and Blue: Death of the Winter Soldier

by LadyPoisonFrost

2nd Part of Red, White and Blue. Read 'Creating the White Queen' first to avoid confusion. :) On the brink of war our trio starts to question their side and positions as public heroes. While battling their old demons they need to overcome the new stones in their paths.

1. My Interpretation

The Death of the Winter Soldier

Chapter 1

James sat in a small room. It was only dimly lit. The most light came off from the many screens lining the walls. Six monitors hung opposite the desk he was sitting at. On his desk he neatly organised his folders, addresses, and utensils. He didn't want just anyone reading what he worked on. It wasn't a secret just between him and Fury, no. He just didn't concern himself about informing others of the extent of his new job. Yes, his new job. He might have gone through a very different type of application than others, but he could say that he earned this bit of normality in their different life's. It's been three months since Emma ran away. Shortly after Fury cornered him about a job possibility, and Steve about a new psychiatric evaluation, which Steve agreed to without comment. He resented Steve's for driving away the woman that had the capability and strength to help him, but then again Emma was not the only woman in his life anymore. Emma's departure made him realise how much work he would have to put into their relationship for her to understand exactly what was happening to him. They didn't exactly call it a relationship yet, but they took time for each other whenever she came back to the office.

At the moment he was watching the endless motion of the monitors. His job was to keep track of certain agents and former employees. Including Miranda and Emma. He was grateful for the chance to know that they would be safe. At times it was difficult to just watch what was happening to them, but then again it also proved his right to the job. He informed Fury about potential dangers to Shield or the agent. He never joined Steve on missions, he wasn't cleared for field work and he didn't want to be. The days of being a soldier were behind him, he had done enough wrong as the Winter Soldier and he would never be able to make it right again. This desk job was exactly what he needed. Some faith into his abilities, the calming to his restless mind of worry and something to keep himself occupied with. It also limited Steve's time of contacting him. He really wanted to punch him for his stupidity, especially as it seemed so unlike him, but Buck guessed the Steve he remembered was an entirely different person. Then again he also wasn't so sure if he could trust everything his mind produced. Still, it seemed unlike him to cause such a betrayal. After Emma's dash from the building and her disappearance Steve hardly spoke a word to any of his colleagues and Sharon. He was adamant to find her, without admitting his mistake. Finding her was only for the sake of her safety and the information she had. It seemed as if Steve didn't really care about Emma the person anymore. That was what irritated James the most, Steve's careless act of the hero Captain America who had no life anymore. He remembered Steve telling him about his show during the Second World War when they were huddled up together for warmth in a too cold tent. Then it seemed so unreal to see Steve acting, now he could see the act right through him. Steve needed help, and it's good that Fury put his foot down against Steve's behaviour. Emma needed time for herself. There were other ways to ensure her safety. His way for example.

His office was nothing special, he didn't get special treatment because of who he was and who his friends were. It didn't need to be especially dark, but he kept it at a dim setting so he could see the screens better. Sometimes he would work through the night and would then lose all sense of time. Then he usually needed some time to adjust back to the bright sunlight. Of course he couldn't watch the screens twenty-four hours a day. There was someone else who did the other half of his shift, but he hardly met the man. If his suspicions were correct, then one of the active agents he was watching had something to do with him. The same way he was looking out for Miranda and Emma. The other one was slightly taller than him, wide shouldered and wiry. Then again he didn't even know the name of his colleague as they only ever passed each other after a long shift. In the beginning the other one tried to get to know him, but he was usually too tired, too hungry, too irritated at not being able to do something. Miranda of course scolded him for letting this get in the way with getting to know someone new, but he really didn't mind. They only ever saw each other a fleeting minute. Maybe Miranda was right and he needed to try and make new friends around Shield so he could stop holding on to old memories that might not be true. Steve continued his life. Now he had the same chance.

There was hardly any movement on the screen in front of him. Emma lay in her bed resting peacefully while her roommate was already up sewing new costumes. It was really unbelievable how insecure the Club's security system was. Sometimes they would figure out he was watching, and shut him out, but he usually always found a loop hole through which he could get in. Fury had him take a class from another agent to prepare him for his job. It also gave him the chance to catch up on everything that he had missed while on ice. Steve still struggled with modern technology, only using his phone for calling or texting. Everything seemed a bit over the top for him. In the beginning James thought the same, but now he saw potential in everything new he discovered and fiddled around with it until he understood what was going on. While Steve understood all the military structures and innovations, he wanted to stay on the social level and understand what Miranda was talking about sometimes. Thank god, she was not some girly dame only talking about hair and dresses. From what he remembered he had endured his fair share of those girls. No, she was professional, kind and head strong. It had become very clear to him very fast that she had no tolerance for lying and other bullshit ideas he might produce to get out of things. This woman was one of the best things that could have happened to him. Another glance at the screen in front of him let him know that Emma was still sleeping. Probably another rough night. Sighing he ran his hands through his hair and finished his report for Fury.

Emma Frost. Location: Hellfire Club. Inactive. No immediate threats.

Steven Rogers. Location: Sea of Japan. Active. On Mission. Last Check in: 12th of November; 2:37 AM.

Miranda Carter. Location: Shield Headquarters. Active.

A knock on the door tore him out of his thread of thoughts. Slowly the door opened and in stepped his partner. What was his name again? Thomas? No, not that.

"Hey, man. Your shifts over and your girl is waiting upstairs for you. She told me to kick you out", he winked at him and laughed. James imagined that he might have been an agent at some time, but now he was very thin with a slight limp. Sighing he looked down at the report, then stood up and started collecting his notes.

"Thanks. I'll hand the report in to Fury on the way out."

"Good," he nodded and started hanging up his vest and taking out his own notes. Quickly James threw a last glance at the blonde woman who was only just starting to stir, then he fled the office blinking at the bright light of the hallways. Just as his partner said Miranda was waiting upstairs for him with a steaming cup of black coffee, a Cappuccino and two bagels in front of her. Her mock angry glare couldn't fool him anymore; she was proud of how serious he took his job. Just as he admired how serious she took her missions. Bending down he gave her a soft peck on the cheek, then sat down opposite of her.

"Good Morning," he yawned slightly then hungrily eyed his bagel. Cheese and Ham. Perfect.

"It's nearly twelve, James. You need food and some rest. Do you really need me to remind you?" she sighed then sipped at her coffee. With a nod to go ahead he started wolfing down his bagel. His sheepish grin only receiving a fond roll of eyes.

"You need to go to bed and sleep. We'll see each other before your shift starts" she consoled him as he dreaded not seeing her more when she was there, but he had agreed to take two weeks of night shift. There must be another person coming in to supervise the inactive and on mission agents. Surely it wasn't just him and the other one handling everything? Then again he hardly ever wanted time off. Most days Miranda was in New York now pretending to be a new assistant of Tony Stark. Yet he knew better. She was partly there to ensure his safety from Hydra, but also to ensure that he kept on working on the new instruments Shield had ordered. After their break down their numbers had reduced so significantly that Fury now relied on Stark to create new, mostly not deadly weapons. It also gave Miranda some time to snoop around to see what the atmosphere was like. There were still many questions the public needed answers to, but Fury and the government believed it would be better to release information over a slow process and carefully selected. There is no need for the public to get nervous about invisible threats. It was enough that they were worrying about Hydra and that weird group Emma complained about once in a while. The latter seemed to be a very small group though so he didn't really see her worry. How much harm can a group of roughly twenty mutants do?

"I will. Don't worry about my sleep. I've slept more than enough for one lifetime" he cheekily winked at her to lighten her mood, while he carefully pulled her plate away from under her nose. A quick swat to his fingers tore another barking laugh from him. Fluently he got up to get himself another bagel or sandwich before their lunch-lady decided that he needed "real" food. So anything hot and cooked. Shaking her head Miranda watched him talk another bagel out the lady's hands. Triumphantly he turned to wave, then continued watching her prepare his bagel. She couldn't believe how well he had developed. When she first saw him dirty from living on the street, hair hanging like a curtain in front of angry but terrified eyes. Steve half dragged him into Shield after finally finding him. The starving man who lashed out at everything was gone, he had developed into a mostly kind and cheeky young man who tried to keep everything as organized and tidied as he could. His memory still suffered immensely and without Emma around it would take a lot longer for it to heal, but they were working on it. Of course she also wasn't delusional. James was still rather hostile towards Steve and had a hard time getting to know other people, but most of all it was just difficult to see how much he really hated Sharon. They still didn't know entirely what had all taken place, but they knew for sure that Steve had a soft spot for Sharon which cost him Emma. James was entirely sure that Steve was falling for a version of Peggy or was just latching on to the past because it seemed easier. Whatever it was, Steve was a fool. It didn't matter how little experience he had with women, he should have known better. Sighing Miranda stirred her coffee watching the movement under her fingers. Not even she could get her cousin to talk about what happened. The only thing that was clear was, that Steve was trying to distance himself from all of this.

The smell of smoked salmon reached her nostrils and sure enough when she raised her head James sat in front of her again munching away on a bagel with smoked salmon on it. A small smile escaped her as she watched him. They shouldn't get involved into the other's problems, but then again everyone was expecting Steve and Bucky to be a team again.

"Penny for your thoughts?" he suddenly asked her earnestly, dropping the cheekiness.

"Just the whole situation. Sharon called earlier. Steve still hasn't dropped her a line and he's been on a mission for two weeks now. I think she really likes him, and she is so used to having her way" sighing she paused, searching his eyes for any kind of support, "I don't think she understands that Steve doesn't seem to be knowing what he's doing. She doesn't understand that he sees Peggy. Not Sharon. I am certain that that is what's happening between them. A hundred percent."

"Calm down, Miranda. It's all going to turn out fine. Even if I have to tell Steve to grow a pair and make a decision whether or not he is trying to date Sharon, Peggy or Emma. Give them time. They'll all come around. Emma will realise soon enough that the Club is no place for her and as soon as she takes control of her life again then they all can move on. Then I'll tell him where Ems is and that she's safe and he can decide for himself if she deserves another earnest apology or if he tries a real relationship with Sharon."

Miranda nodded carefully as she let his words sink in. He was probably right. They couldn't live their lives for them. Still it seemed very sad to think about the trouble the three got themselves in. As soon as they finished their coffee and bagels she sent him to his quarter for him to get some rest. After such a long shift he needed his sleep. With a quick kiss he then turned and went to bed. Slowly Miranda got up from her chair and made her way outside. She had already given her mission report to Fury, so she was free for nearly a week to stay here with James. Her missions were pretty simple and rather tame, she was sure that had something to do with James worrying about her, but then again she didn't mind as what she was doing was still very important. It also gave her time to contact her family and stay in touch with them. Her whole family had been in Shield since Peggy, everyone had been an active field agent until they started a family, then they became desk agents. Now though her parents hardly ever spoke of Shield anymore. They took the implosion of the organization pretty badly. They worked so hard and long for a stable organization and within minutes everything combusted. That was the only time she was glad that Peggy's mind was so confused due to age. She wouldn't need to go through the pain of knowing of her life's project's downfall.

A quiet bell announced a new E-Mail from Tony, sure enough he was looking for something again. When had she become his maid? After a quick reply she got into her car to drive to Sharon. She promised her a visit and their brief conversation in the morning told her that Sharon was not doing too good. Probably she was moping around the house because of Steve. These were the days that she was so glad that James didn't want to go on missions. They couldn't argue about joining in on a mission and so on. It was freeing. At the moment she usually took the time in Tony's workshop to sort through the information that would be released to the public. There were several teams working on that special case. Of course you can't just release information of current missions and old missions, but Fury wanted to start with an employee list. Also he wanted the full stories of public figures online. Fury said it would build up trust, but she saw the potential danger for people like James. People that had to kill. From what she gathered Steve was taking his sweet time to fill in his information. He didn't want anything released about him or Emma. She knew that Sharon willingly gave up her file, but Steve was adamant on not being in the papers or the internet. Sure there had been fame then, but today it was different. Fans wanted to know what their heroes do all the time, they want to know what you eat, who you see, if you have troubles. Steve wasn't meant for this kind of attention. Especially not now when he hardly seemed to know how to life his life as Steve Rogers anymore. Somehow Captain America took over his life.

Fury also wanted to speak to Xavier to see about a mutant database, but he met a clear resistance there. If what Emma said is true and they were on the brink of war in their community, then this would hurl them over that brink. Fury was enough of a diplomat to understand that this was the wrong time to think of such things. Still the cooperation seemed to be going quite well. Fury informed Xavier now and then about Emma's whereabouts and Xavier let Fury in on their training of the X-men. It did work quite well like this. Her laptop lay in a suitcase in the back of the car on there was everything she had gathered so far. Tony wasn't too thrilled about being in a "Shield pamphlet for new recruits" as he called it. Surprisingly Natasha was one of the most cooperative sorting out her folders and coming by to check up on her work. Miranda was glad she could live in the Avengers tower until her work was done. It gave her immediate access to information and Jarvis's knowledge. Still it was difficult to be the only one really living in the Avengers tower. Hopefully Natasha would be moving back in soon. After she disappeared from the academy with the USB stick that Steve gave her they hadn't heard from her for a long while. It had all been a great mess from what she understood. Natasha was constantly on the run from Hydra while trying to break the code on the stick. Now and then Steve would meet her some place, but they were followed closely that they lost valuable time running. Then they finally discovered how Hydra got into Shield and had to raise the security levels again. How Shield could have missed how much Hydra grew right under their nose was insane. Since then Natasha was paying visits to high ranked Shield officials to check in on their status. It was most important that no one knew that. Clint had left to take care of his family after Shield collapsed, but agreed to stay on the Avengers until a new generation came. It gave him more time with his wife and children and everyone respected that wish. That left Natasha without partner. Although she was regularly administered a new recruit as partner they usually came crawling back asking for desk jobs. Natasha's way of working was not for the squeamish. Miranda held a deep admiration for Natasha's way. Still, not everything Natasha did was good and the release of that information had to be carefully planned otherwise there might not be a Natasha for very long anymore.

Everyone had their own stories to tell. Bruce too was reluctant to share his story, as he feared that then he would be asked to be a permanent agent or soldier. Miranda tried to focus on his medical history without describing the Hulk as a mass-destruction program. Tony surprisingly wanted the family background added to his folder. Howard may not have been the best father, but having Steve around, getting to know the man of his father's admiration seemed to have lessened the bitterness of his family memories. All in all, it was quite a bit of information just about them which had to be sorted out.

For no though there were other troubles to be sorted out. Of course she wasn't blind to Sharon's behaviour. In no way did she support her efforts to get rid of Emma, but then again she was also family and now that Steve was gone she's alone. Miranda really hoped to get the truth out of her, just to know what exactly is going on. Slowly she drove up to the house and parked along the sidewalk. As she got out of the car she saw curtains waving rhythmically indicating that Sharon had been standing at the window to wait for her arrival. Sure enough before Miranda could even press the doorbell the door opened and she was pulled into a tight squeeze.

"Miranda! Finally, you're here!" The overly dramatic squealing turned her stomach, but she just cuddled her cousin to reassure her. Before she could even say a word she was ushered inside, made to sit down and had a steaming cup of coffee in front of her. The flat was nice. It seemed quite bright and eerie, although Sharon's things lay scattered about the place. Folders, clothes, photographs everywhere.

"I thought you moved in here months ago?" Miranda asked eyeing some boxes against the wall. The neat handwriting and organisation of it seemed awfully familiar.

"We did. Well, I did. Steve's still, you know, cautious. I thought I'd surprise him and move some of his unopened boxes here" Sharon explained as she noticed Miranda's stare. Although she tried to sound light hearted Miranda could hear the irritation and worry in her voice. Then again why was she surprised at Sharon's idea of moving Steve in while he's not there.

"Are you sure that's a good idea? They'll be unopened for a reason."

"Of course, Miranda, you silly thing. Please, they're marked as containing records, photos and art supplies. He just probably didn't have time to open those."

"Whatever you say", Miranda sighed at Sharon's idea, but it was their relationship. Not hers. If it was a relationship at all. Trying to comfort her Miranda changed the subject asking about family and how she had been. After a while though the subject of Steve was inevitable anymore, so Miranda listened as Sharon poured her heart out trying to understand what was going on between them. After Emma left Sharon thought they would start a relationship, but that only partly happened. Steve took his time to search for Emma, but then returned for a mission. Only after he returned did he start to spend time with her again. He seemed genuinely interested in her and a relationship one day, while the next he ignored her.

"Steve's been gone now for over two weeks. I'm really worried, but he won't contact me or answer any of my messages. I know for a fact that he has been calling in every now and then to report back. So he must have had the time. I just don't understand." Miranda watched her sink further into herself. Sharon was a selfish woman, just because she believed that Emma was wrong for him, she had to prove her point by pursuing Steve until he failed Emma. She felt a slight remorse towards Steve who had to endure their games, but also resentment at all their childish behaviour.

"Steve is fine. He called in to James a few days ago. Maybe he just wants to focus on the mission. He probably knows that you'd know when he would call in."

"Oh please! When you care for someone then you make sure they know you are safe" she argued heatedly already dreading Miranda pointed stare.

"Well, either he isn't 'safe' or he just doesn't care. Sharon it's been three months since Emma's gone and you expected from minute one on, that he just stops looking for her and be with you. That's not how it works. Steve may have made a mistake, but I am pretty sure he cared for her. Leave him be for a while. If he still cares about Emma, then why do you want a relationship with him? It's only going to hurt you." Sensitivity wasn't her strong point, but then again there were times when it was more important that one was clear about what was being said.

"He and Emma were wrong for each other! Did you see them together? Really together? They were always arguing! Always! And her stupid ex, which made a mess of everything! You should have seen how upset Steve was about that!" Sharon shouted at her, stood up and started pacing the room with tears in her eyes, but Miranda had had enough.

"Yes, they were fighting! They were fighting about those things that you are moping about now! Steve didn't call in, he didn't tell her about missions, he was just gone! That's what was going on and Emma had a right to blow up at him, because she was scared just like you are! So why don't you sit down and do something useful until he's back, but back off from Emma! You ruined their relationship, so in fact you have no right to sit here and cry!" Silent tears ran down Sharon's face as she listened to Miranda's shouting, slowly giving in to the inevitable that there was just nothing to do other than wait and occupy yourself until he's back. They would also need to talk. About them. About Emma.

Miranda watched her words slowly sink in, the weight of it pushing Sharon to the ground in a fit of sobs. Carefully she kneeled in front of her and gathered Sharon in her arms. Sharon may be a bit dramatic and delusional at times, but she was still family and Miranda didn't have the heart to just leave her alone right now. So they sat together until it was Miranda's time to leave. Sharon left the house with her determined to get some work done, while Miranda left for James' apartment. They hadn't yet discussed moving together, but they were both certain that they didn't want to stay in Shield accommodation for much longer. Maybe that's what they should be doing on their days off. Looking for apartments in the village.

When she got back to the Shield accommodations James was already sitting outside waiting for her. As he saw her car approaching he slowly got up from the stairs and dusted his pants off. With a smile he stepped up to the car and opened the door for her, stealing a first quick kiss. Together they made their way inside to the cafeteria, Miranda was sure that James waited for her with dinner, and she wanted him to at least have dinner before he started working again. She was pretty sure that he often skipped either dinner or breakfast, if she wasn't there to remind him. They chose their dinner and then sat down together at a small table.

"How was your visit at Sharon's?" he asked while poking around his peas.

"It was interesting", she sighed at his raised eyebrow, but she knew he was only asking to be polite. "She is having the same troubles with Steve that Emma had. He won't call in on her, just leaves for missions. I don't think she really understands what she got herself into."

"Serves her right."

"Stop it, James. This is serious. You need to get over yourself and speak to Steve. Otherwise all of this will never have an end. He needs help, his new psychiatrist seems to help, but you're his only friend here." Her accusing stare met rolled eyes as James turned away from the discussion to focus on his food. Talking to Steve was one of the last things he wanted to be doing. Nobody even knew when Steve would be getting back. Also, he wasn't keen on doing Sharon any favours. She deserved to be rolling around in suspense of Steve maybe breaking up with her.

"James, please", his stare softened at her small plea. Probably she would be right again. He should talk to his friend, support him somehow, even if he wanted to punch him. Wanting to punch Steve was still a strong urge.

"I'll see what I can do. I just don't think it's going to do much good" he argued defeated. Steve wasn't the same person he remembered. He hardly knew the person Steve had become. Miranda smiled at him thankfully and then continued reporting back what she had learned from Sharon. He should be hearing these things from Steve, but he doubted that he would get anything sensible from him. Also, Miranda seemed keen on sharing what she had learned, so he just indulged her by listening while he was poking away at the slowly diminishing tower of food.

"Well, and there's another small thing I want you to think about and it has nothing to do with Steve and Sharon" Miranda said, while cutting her meat into small pieces. She knew this was sudden, but since the idea on the way home struck her she felt compelled to make it happen.

"What is it?" he looked at his watch, slightly irritated at how fast the time had passed.

"I thought we could look for a flat. Outside of Shield. In the village. For us two" nervously she raised her head to look into his brown eyes. She could see what she said slowly sinking in. Slowly a small smile spread across his face and he nodded reassuringly at her.

"That'd be great. I'll try to get the weekend off, then we'll have a look around together."

After his free hour with Miranda, James took off back towards his office. Just as he was at the door Fury came out, nodded at him and left. That could only mean that someone was hurt or someone was coming back, and he would bet his pants that it was Steve. The other guy was already packing his things, when he came in. He was lucky at the moment to have the short shifts. James hung up his jacket and stared at the screens. Sure enough there was Steve in an airplane, which from the flight route was directed right at them.

"Hey man. The Captain's coming back. Says he has loads to tell." The other one grabbed his bag and put on his jacket.

"I bet he has. Anything else?"

"Not much. The girl. The blonde, you said to keep a special eye on? Somethings going on there. Not sure what, but she is being prepped for some big occasion."

"right. Thanks, I'll look into it." James said as he watched the other one leave. Emma was being prepped? A big occasion? That didn't sound good. He was pretty sure that the club had some kind of dirt on it, but he wasn't exactly sure yet what. Whatever it was, he was going to find out.

Steve arrived back in Shield in the early morning around 4 o'clock. Half his team was asleep. Even he felt a bit tired, but he would need to report back to Fury before he could go back to his flat and sleep everything off. He would also need to send Sharon a text to let her know he was back, but there would still be time for that after he spoke with Fury. They knew that Hydra had their fingers in everywhere in the states, but they hoped that they could fix that by going public with a lot of information especially about Hydra. What they hadn't known before the mission, was that Hydra was not just growing in the states, but everywhere else as well. Especially with social problems on the rise in Europe. Hydra had a great potential there for their right wing activities. He had spent over two weeks on the Japanese Sea. They were listening in on Japan, North and South Korea, Russia and China, and sadly what they found weren't good news at all. While they all seemed relatively harmless at first glance, the new information unveiled that each country neither trusted their neighbours, nor were they unprepared for any kind of attack. They all just waited for someone to make a wrong step and stumble. The fall would be caught by thousands of missiles, all ordered through Dray manufactures and shipped from the States to every country Hydra thought it was necessary. They had more heads right now than Steve knew to handle. Everything seemed a lot easier in the past. There were two evil guys to focus on. Hitler and Red Scull. That was it. Now, every country seemed to have some Hydra agent in the most influential circles.

Although his pace was brisk he felt as though his walk to Fury's office was one of shame to be the transmitter of such bad news. Steve had really hoped to never see a war again in his days, but now he feared that all his hopes had just been an illusion. Was their country as bad off? He didn't know. He couldn't tell anymore. Yes, Hydra was everywhere, but were they preparing for war like the other countries? Steve didn't know. The door of Fury's office announced his arrival and scanned him before he entered. Fury looked at him expectantly whilst he turned away from a large screen. On the screen he could see the entrance of their building where a nervous blonde was pacing in front of the door.

"Make it quick, Rogers. Someone is anxious to see you. Everything else has to wait until morning. We all need our sleep now'a'days."

His eyes lingered on the screen a second longer, a soft distressed sigh escaped him. With wary he then reported back what they had witnessed in the east Asian area. It was similar to what he had reported on Europe a few weeks earlier. He needed these missions. He needed to know what was going on. He needed to prepare to become the Captain America that his peoples wished him to be. A hero. Not some vigilante looking for his endangered child hood friend. Without comment Fury sent him on his way after he had informed him about everything. Now he had no other choice but to go downstairs and embrace Sharon. She had made her way to Shield in the middle of the night to see him. It would have been better if she let him sleep first, but he could hardly be mad at her. Not like he had been with Emma in these cases. Sighing he ran his large hand through his hair. He needed to fix all of this. What kind of hero was he going around breaking hearts?

As soon as he stepped through the door he felt a weight push itself against him. A soft sniffling came from the blonde woman at his chest as he softly stroked her hair. God, she didn't deserve all of this. He wrapped his arms around her holding her against his large frame. Her cold hands grasping at his uniform. Teary eyed she stared up at him.

"Bucky texted me that you are back" she whispered as she drew closer for a kiss. Bucky hated Sharon. Damnit. That meant he was really in the shit with him. He knew he disapproved of the situation, but he would have never thought that it bothered him this much. Steve gave Sharon a quick peck on the lips and looked at her.

"I didn't want to wake you up. It's the middle of the night" he reasoned and drew her closer as he realized her shivering from the cold. A sad smile crossed his face as he heard a mumbled "I don't care". Carefully he ushered her inside, lifted her small form into his arms and carried her upstairs to his room. He knows Sharon wants to move together, but he wasn't even ready to really commit to their relationship yet, if that is what they have. He would tell her. Soon. He just needed to find the right words. It scared him to think he would break her heart. He never wanted to be like this. He despised men like him.

They were both too tired to speak a lot that night. He was glad that Sharon did not push him for answers directly, because there were no good ones. He would also have another meeting in the morning and then he needed to speak to Bucky and he had another session scheduled with Dr. Collins at noon. That gave him some time to think about what he wanted to say to Sharon. He had to get it over with. For the first time in weeks he picked up his phone as he watched her sleep and tried texting the other person he had wronged. Of course Emma wouldn't answer. She was far too stubborn to hear what he had to say. There was just no apologizing for what he did. She might read a text from him. At least he hoped so. He really hoped she was far away from Hydra, far away from wherever he could hurt her.

Emma, I hope you are safe. Please take care out there. Hydra is everywhere. Please call in to Shield, I just want you to be safe. Steve.

With a sigh he placed the phone on his night stand. He didn't dare write an apology like this. Buck told him that that was considered very bad form. Anyway, if he ever got the chance to apologize for his behaviour, then it would be in person. Everything else wouldn't be enough, while he wasn't even sure if that would even be enough.

The next morning, he and Sharon had breakfast together. They shortly spoke about the mission, but he didn't want to go into detail as she wasn't cleared for all the information. At least she would know that the situations were tense everywhere and they all weren't as safe as they thought they were. Maybe that's what he should have written to Emma. Maybe she would have replied to that. As expected there was no answer. He listened as Sharon rambled on about her apartment about how she redecorated and bought new carpets. He wasn't even sure if he could recall the old carpets. After he reassured her that he would come by in the afternoon after his session, he left for his meeting. Around an oval, glass table sat several high ranked Shield agents and a few government officials, which were entrusted to us and the president. Steve took his seat next to Natasha. He wasn't surprised that she was here for such a meeting. Probably she would be off again after this, but he was glad to see her. Opposite of him sat Miranda, she nodded at him, but then turned away to give her attention to the director. Fury informed everyone about the several missions that had taken place the last two months which purpose were mainly to gather intel. As soon as everyone was on the same page Steve started to retell his new findings and opinion of the situation. If they wanted any say in what was going on in the world, then Shield would have to speed up its working process of going public. At this Miranda stood and reported everything she had worked on. She showed us a prototype, that she and Tony came up with, for a website that would give everyone free access to the chosen information. Most agents gave a personal comment on their page. He supposed his was glaringly naked. Another thing he would have to do. Carter shot him a pointed look. Yes, he would do that tomorrow.

The meeting passed by quickly so he had another twenty minutes before he had to see Collins. Bucky was surely still in his office, as he wanted another word with him he made a beeline for his old friend's office. Steve knocked at the door, then entered, striding into the room. As soon as he set eyes on the large screens his demeanour deflated. Somehow he always hoped, that if he just caught Bucky off guard that he would find Emma there on one of those screens. Bucky didn't speak about his job, or rarely, but Steve was sure that his friend was looking out for the mutant. Bucky had developed a soft spot for Emma as she understood his pain without having him talk about it. Emma just knew things. Sometimes Steve wandered what it was like to be able to read everyone's mind. Was it really like reading, or did she hear it? Did things just come to her? He had never bothered to ask, he supposed that it would be another thing on the growing list of things he didn't know about her.

"Morning", Steve said and stared ahead at the screens. James looked up from the screen, nodded a 'to you too' at him, and then went on to write his notes.

"Finished with the meeting? Did Miranda corner you about your commentary?" James asked passively. Steve could hear the continuous clicking of the mouse as James' hand moved across the table.

"She didn't, but I'll look at everything and give it to her tomorrow. I just," Steve paused, stared at one of the screens again, then leaned against the wall in a casual manner. "I just never wanted to be in the public picture like that. It didn't use to matter who the man under the mask was. Now everyone wants to know everything we do. What we eat, who we see, what we wear to bed." Steve rolled his eyes at their antics, what did it matter who was Captain America as long as it's a good person? The Captain is a leader for everything good the free state believes in. The embodiment of the freedom of the people. Steve wasn't sure if what they were doing was really producing freedom. If Shield managed to come back out of the dark with solid information before Hydra discredited them entirely could rescue many lives and potentially ward off another war.

"Good. It needs to go online and she's tired of waiting around for you to make a decision on this." James leaned back in his chair to stare at Steve. He couldn't fool him. He saw Steve's tension, could see it in the way that Steve kept glancing back at the screens illuminating the room. After another failed attempt at a casual chat Steve decided to just ask Bucky straight out why he had told Sharon. Thank god Sharon hadn't been pushy and they just got into bed. He would have been too tired for any kind of discussion.

"So, why did you call Sharon last night? You hate her, why would you tell her anything?"

"Are you listening to yourself?" James got up from his seat, came around his desk and leaned against it, crossing his arms in front of his chest. From the slight glare Buck shot at him, Steve knew that Bucky was close to losing his temper. Before Steve could really reply to the approach James went on in an earnest tone.

"You need to stop all of this. You know we try to keep out of your business, but even I am starting to feel sorry for Sharon. You need to get your head straight and take some action. You are losing focus on everything that used to be special about you. Are you really that blind? Sharon thinks you two are dating! She thinks that if she gives you some time you'll come around and you'll live happily ever after or whatever her deluded mind thinks of!" James shouted at him, starting to pace the room. Steve could feel his cheeks inflame with embarrassment. He felt like a child being scolded by his parent for reaching into the cookie jar before dinner. He knew he had to solve the problems he had with Sharon and Emma, but it just wasn't that easy. He didn't intend to break Emma's heart, he wasn't intending to break Sharon's, but he probably would end up doing just that.

"I know. I made quite a few mistakes lately." Steve swallowed, his throat felt tight. Anxiety creeped up from his stomach, made his skin buzz and tighten. "I already decided to talk to Sharon tonight about that. We aren't really on the same page", he paused to take a look at his friend. James just stared at him accusingly. His demeanour clearly saying "Well? What are you still doing here?"

"I'll break things off with her. I'm not entirely sure where her idea of a relationship comes from, but we'll talk things out. I want to try and find Emma again. She's out there somewhere and it's not safe. I'll take a break from 'dating'."

"Good." James said finally after thinking about what Steve had said. It also ended their conversation abruptly. Why should Steve wait around to have that chat? It would be better for everyone if he just got it over with. Then everyone could just move on. Continue their normal lives. Well, as normal as it gets around Shield, mutants and Inhumans. He was glad that they weren't dealing with that, but a substructure of Shield in the South.

Steve quickly took his leave from Bucky's office and made his way to the exit of the building. Doctor Collins insisted that the sessions don't take place on Shield grounds, but in a private establishment. Shield could watch the outside, but happenings inside were strictly confidential between Collins and his patients. Steve was sure that Bucky was coming here at least once a week. Whenever Steve stayed in the area, he took these sessions serious and turned up every second day starting Monday and excluding Sunday. Somewhere in himself he knew he needed this. All the trouble he got himself in was starting to catch up with him. It made his sleep even worse. He didn't need a lot of it, but even then he still needed a good rest. A restless night did no one good, not even a superhero. As he entered the small house the secretary smiled at him and greeted him with familiarity. She was a lovely elderly lady, that kept the appointments organized and answered the phone. Steve once asked her why she was still working, but she avoided the question with a laugh and a pat on the cheek. With a bright smile she waved him through to doctor Collins's office.

When he entered Collins wasn't at his desk yet, so he just sat down and waited for his therapist. Collins asked him to think about what was bothering him and what he would wish to speak about. Generally, they spoke about Shield and how he handled being in the field, taking a life more often than he wished. Today was different. Steve wanted to talk about the women in his life. His past. He needed support for his talk with Sharon. He would need help to apologize to Emma, if he ever saw her again, and he would need a lot of help for the day that Peggy would die. It might sound dramatic, but he thought about that a lot. Other than Bucky Peggy was the only one that understood him, that understood how his world worked. Hopefully she would hang in there for a little while longer, but Steve knew that the day was coming closer with every breath she took. He could hardly visit her without her starting to cry because she would forget.

After a few minutes Collins opened the door and greeted him with cold hands. Then he slowly took of his coat, hung it on a mantel piece, and then sat down opposite of him at a large oak desk. He took a shiny black fountain pen out of a drawer, placed it in front of him and stared expectantly at Steve.

"Have you thought about what you wish to speak about?" he asked calmly as he wrote something on his notebook. Steve asked not to be recorded, so Collins' wrote everything down for future reference and his occasional report to Fury. Steve agreed that a statement about his mental health would make it easier in case he did ever get into trouble.

"Yes, it's something that has been bothering me for quite a while. I'm not sure if you will be able to help me, but I feel like I need to get it off my chest. Otherwise, I feel like I might just run around in circles making the same mistakes."

"Very well, then carry on. Tell me about what has been bothering you", Collins said, pleased with Steve's effort to cooperate.

"Women. This may sound silly, but I keep messing things up. When I came to this time, I thought I might just continue on as Captain America, because there was no one left from my time. Then I met Emma and she was different. It was nice to spend time with someone other than the agents. She was fun to be around and as my therapist she was also genuinely keen on helping me, but somehow we just got away from that. A few days after we started a relationship there was an attack on Director Fury, and then Hydra attacked Shield while we were trying to help Bucky. I knew the attack was coming. From the way they attacked Fury they had to be in Shield. I was so worried about Emma. Both of us, and a small group of others, stayed at the Xavier Academy together, where I met her ex and his new girlfriend. Seeing him like that, gloating, it drove Emma up the wall. I never saw her so angry before. I thought she moved on. I still don't understand why she cared so much."

"Let me stop you there" Collins interrupted his monologue. Steve tried to go into detail as much as he could. If he wanted sufficient help, then he needed to sufficiently recount what happened. "Do you know how long they were together? When they broke up?"

"A few years. I think. I think they broke up a few weeks before we started going out." Steve replied slowly, unsure of the answer. He had never bothered to ask about Scott, believed it to be improper to ask her about her past lovers, especially as she did seem more experienced.

"Well, Steve. Then that man must have meant a lot to her at a certain point. It is rare that couples break up on good terms. Although her feelings might have lessened for him, the feeling of neglect is clear. Her reaction I suppose was not exactly jealousy, but embarrassment at being replaced."

Steve stared ahead, nodding at Collins's words. Had Emma been embarrassed? Had he embarrassed her again? He had been embarrassed at her antics, he hadn't bothered to ask her.

"Go ahead, Steve. I can see you are processing things."

"I don't know how to continue. It only gets worse. I feel like a horrible person", Steve covered his face with his hands, leaning forwards on his elbows. He tried to take slow breaths. Thinking about all of this made him want to throw up. He was supposed to be a hero. Heroes didn't break hearts. Acid ran up his throat, but he forced it down. After another minute or two he continued with a strained voice.

"From then on I had to go on missions quite often. I would forget to tell Emma about them. I didn't want her to worry, because that's what she does. She worries. She cares so much about other people. There are certain things about her that irritated her, but not so much that I thought it would be over. When we were still in the city Emma took me to see Peggy. My first love. The only woman that had an interest in me before I became this. Became 'a hero'. She wanted to give me the chance to see her again. Peggy is old now. She has dementia. Can hardly remember me coming in once a while. Poor thing always starts crying. She will die. Soon. Maybe not today, tonight, or tomorrow, but sooner than I wish. She's the only other person from my time. The only person who really knows what it was like."

"That must be very difficult. We talked about bits of this before. I am sorry that you may lose a friend soon, but you must remind yourself that she lived a full life. On your recommendation I read about her. She was an impressive woman; she deserves some peace. Don't you think? Even if it is only peace from her illness." Steve nodded demurely, rubbing at his eyes with the palm of his hands, which was slowly becoming damp.

"Go on, Steve. I can see you are struggling, so there must be more" Collins urged him softly. Steve hardly noticed the man getting up and placing a glass of water down in front of him. Steve carefully removed his hands from his face and nipped at the water to moisten his sour throat.

"Peggy has grandchildren. Miranda and Sharon. Cousins. Miranda is in a relationship with Bucky and it seems to work out fine, but Sharon is different. In the beginning she was just like the other agents. All business. She joined me on my missions. There was one evening when we were in east Russia. It was cold. Very cold. So we all sat around a fire and had a drink. She made a move there, but as I need quite a bit of alcohol to really get drunk I realized what she was trying and explained to her that I am with Emma. The problem with that was that she knew we were fighting. Everyone knew. It was humiliating. It made me become angry at Emma that everyone was talking about us. That people like Sharon thought they might have a chance. Thought that maybe Emma had had these offers. I really admired Sharon before that. She was like Peggy. Hardworking. Strict, but also kind. When I got back from that mission Emma and I had a terrible fight. I went to the gym to blow off some steam. I was so mad at Emma. All I could think about was if she had had other offers. If that was the reason why she slept naked when I came in. There was this person in my mind, a person like Scott, that would just use her. Take her, just because they" Steve barely registered that he was rambling as he came to a stop. He felt sick. Tears streamed down his cheeks. He took another gulp of water. He couldn't.

"Because they what, Steve?"

"Because they are more experienced than I am. In my time things were very much less sexual than today. I was so mad at all of that. So when Sharon came in she kept taunting. Kept saying how everyone knows that Emma and I won't last, how she would be a better fit because she understands my 'world'. Because she understands Shield, because we work together. I didn't push her away when she tried to kiss me again. I was so mad at Emma. It just all ran out of control. I can't get her face out of my head as she stood in the doorway. So much hurt. Hurt that I inflicted. Somehow since that day everything grew out of control. Sharon thinks we are in a relationship and I don't know how to tell her that I don't know what I am doing. I don't even know what I am feeling anymore. All I know is that I am going to break her heart, just like I broke Emma's. What kind of hero goes around breaking hearts? I am supposed to be a role model, but I can't get my personal life under control. And no Shield wants to go public with all sorts of information and I don't know what to say to them!"

By the time he finished retelling the events he was straight out weeping. He had done so much wrong and he didn't know how to fix it. Collins handed him a tissue, just letting him cry a while until he calmed down enough to hear what he had to say. He knew that there were worse things that he could have done, especially considering he is a spy, but it didn't matter. In his world women didn't get treated like that. Like they were replaceable.

"Steve, there are things you can't control easily. You need to remember that you are human and make mistakes. No one expects you to be perfect. No one that should natter to you. Captain America is just a character. A character you are struggling to identify with long-term. It puts a lot of pressure on you. I am sure, that if you speak to Sharon she will be able to understand. You just need to go and do it. From your reaction I deduct that you haven't spoken to Emma since that day."

"not exactly", he mumbled.

"I thought so. Don't be ashamed of crying, you seem to be quite overwhelmed. Try to remember what we spoke about when we spoke about Bucky. Physically you are the best a human can wish to reach, but illness isn't always just physical. I am glad you told me all of this. Try to explain to Sharon that you were not prepared to enter a new relationship and that right now you are not sure what your feelings for her are. Just break it off before she can get really attached."

"I will try, thank you", he was glad that Collins listened rather than constantly questioning him. He would question him about his progress sometime, but right now he just let him be.

Author's Note:

After 3 drafts I finally was happy with the direction of the story. It took me quite a while, I know, but I just wasn't happy with the way I was writing. Don't be afraid of the title my lambs, just trust me.