AN: This is my first attempt at writing a twilight fan fic that I am posting publicly. As much as I am writing for others to enjoy, I am also writing for me. Please let me know what you think and review. I want to thank my beta Eifeltwrfanfic. You rock TS! ;) Katy dazzledbythe Cullens, you're a huge support.
Lost & Found ~ Chapter One
"Please?" he murmured in my ear while he nuzzled my neck.
I moaned in delight which only spurred him on, his lips trailed from my neck to my earlobe. Sucking. Nibbling. Licking. Goosebumps ran from my scalp down to the tips of my toes. He pushed more of his weight on me to illustrate his arousal, although I had felt it long before. One hand pulled the spaghetti strap off my shoulder, his other arm braced himself so his full weight wasn't crushing me.
My fingers found their way into his hair and I pulled him closer. I felt his lips curve into a smile as he continued to seduce me into a stupor. He knew exactly what I liked and how to get me to comply. I wiggled my body against his as my lips let a giggle out.
"Where do you think you're going my BB?" he whispered seductively against my ear. He always called me his beautiful Bella and would abbreviate it at times when his mouth was otherwise occupied.
"Who said I was going anywhere?" I teased as I wiggled against him again. He ghosted his lips across my jaw and continued to kiss his way to my mouth. I opened my eyes and saw all his love, devotion and passion burning in his eyes for me.
I was overwhelmed. How could I see love and lust all at once? How could someone love another as selflessly as he loved me? I now realize that I have always loved him. I didn't recognize it in the beginning, because I wouldn't allow myself too, but I knew now that something was there and always was. He had always been there for me when no one else cared. He never failed me as others had. He loved me for all my faults, my tantrums, my weird ass sense of humor, my moods, and even my crazy family. Nothing scared him.
My mother had remarried when I was 17. When her husband, Phil needed to move to Florida for his job, it was decided I would move to Washington to live with my dad. I didn't mind actually, I never liked Phoenix, the sun, the heat and it wouldn't get any better in Florida. I didn't do bathing suits. Not my scene. I'm pretty fond of my pale skin. So I was happy to move to rainy, droopy Washington. Maybe, since I wasn't accustomed to rain or cooler weather that's why it held my fascination.
I did, however, feel rejection and abandonment from my mom. How could she so easily dispose of me? She was my best friend. Did it not tear her up inside to leave me? To live on the other side of the country? We had gone from seeing each other every day to sending texts every other day, IF that. To add insult to injury, I didn't have a close knit relationship with my dad either, seeing as I spent most of my childhood without him.
After a while I got used to it, although, it still tore me up and it hurt, but I'd decided I wasn't going to dwell on it and let it rule my life. I wanted her to be happy and obviously Phil made her happy. So I held it all in. I didn't want my dad to know how much it bothered me, I didn't want him to worry, or worse, call my mom. My dad and I weren't exactly the talk and share type anyway. We tended to bury our feelings. He did try to make me comfortable while I lived with him that short period of time.
From that moment on I kept my guard up, my walls stayed firmly in place. If my own mother didn't want me around, why would anyone else? Don't get me wrong, I knew she loved me and would never intentionally hurt me, but she did. I guess she was never the motherly type.
Therefore, I never let anyone close to me. I had friends, Paul, Embry, Emily and Jake, who lived near La Push beach, but I kept them at arm's length no matter how hard they tried to break my walls down. I was convinced that if I let anyone in, if I got attached, they'd desert me too.
Until I met Carlisle.
Every now and then when we'd lay in bed, just before falling asleep, he'd tell me his story of how he first saw me and fell in love with me. He spoke frequently about when he saw me for the first time, time stood still, how everything hazed over except my form which stood before him crystal clear. I always laughed at him but he swore it was true.
That fateful day we met I had gone to La Push to visit the gang, but of course the boys had gone surfing while Emily went searching for seashells to add to her collection. As usual, I had brought my old 35mm camera and decided to take some scenic shots. The beach was never very crowed and even if it was, I loved to people watch and take candid's.
Even though there wasn't a lot of sun, the cloudy, misty days made for great shots. The waves crashing against the sand, the moss encasing the rocks, and the old tree trunks perched on the beach as though they were makeshift benches. Sometimes I would hike up to the cliff's edge and take pictures of the scene below. Those were always my favorites. Some days the boys would even cliff dive. Those pictures always came out beautifully. I would take shots from the top of the cliff, standing behind them as they jumped or from the beach down below capturing them as they came flying toward the waves and splashing into the ocean. The day I met Carlisle I never thought much of it. Not then at least.
He had his dog, Ciaus running the beach. I had never been bothered by anyone on the beach before and in return I'd never bothered anyone either until Ciaus trampled me. He didn't hurt me, only startled me, licked me, and even drooled on me.
Per Carlisle's story, he said that he noticed me the first moment he'd stepped onto the beach, but was too nervous to approach me. He had been content to watch me bite my lip, deep in concentration, while taking pictures. He threw an old, washed up stick to Ciaus to play catch with and must have misjudged his throw because Ciaus and I collided. Carlisle and I spoke a little that day but I was my usual self and was extremely cautious.
It wasn't until a few weeks later when we kept 'bumping' into each other that we exchanged phone numbers. We called, and texted each other frequently. Carlisle hinted regularly at the two of us getting together for coffee in Port Angeles or even at the little hole on the wall diner my dad liked to frequent. For a while I managed to dodge the conversation when he brought it up, but eventually I agreed.
A little over two years later we had moved in together. I never had anyone stick by me the way he did. He knew everything about me. He knew about the strained relationship with my dad, my mom and how she made me feel insecure when I'd gone to live with my dad. He knew all my issues and all my hurt. He knew how I kept myself distant from others, exactly like I had tried to do with him when we first met. I was grateful that he had persisted and got through my tough exterior.
He encouraged me to be more open and let others in. Not just with him, but with Paul, Embry, Emily and Jake, my dad and even my mom. I wasn't over my hurt by any means, but I wasn't secretly holding a grudge and letting it eat away at me from the inside. I eventually began talking to mom every couple of days, we even designated one night a week to have dinner with my dad and one night a weekend we hung out with the gang. We would bowl, play pool, see a movie, go dancing or have a small party with a few other friends.
Life was good.
I blinked and a single tear rolled down the side of my face as Carlisle's greenish gray eyes bore into mine. My hand came around behind his head to caress his cheek. "I'm not going anywhere, CC."
I had taken to calling him my Prince Charming. His last name was Cullen, so CC seemed fitting as his nickname.
I admit to copying him seeing as he called me BB.
His lips ghosted mine, so close that I could feel the warmth of them and his breath enveloping me. It was dizzying. I wondered if I would ever become immune to his charming and dazzling ways. All it took was a smile, a wink, a small and brief chaste kiss and I was his all over again. Would my heart always threaten to beat out of my chest when he was near? Would my pulse race when I heard his voice? Would the goofiest smile always plaster my face when I saw him walk into a room? Yes. For that I was sure.
"Good," His lips covered mine in a soft yet passionate kiss, "I can't do it without you," he murmured as he kissed me again, his eyes telling me everything I needed to know. "I refuse to do this without you," he whispered.
I tilted my head in his direction, bringing me closer to his lips until they met. His warm tongue peeked out to seek permission to enter my mouth, like he needed to ask. I let him in and invaded his mouth with my tongue. It was a sensually slow heated kiss.
Carlisle moved his hand from my bared shoulder to take my left hand from his cheek. He held onto it, linking our fingers before he kissed my ring finger. There wasn't a sound in our bedroom except our heavy breathing and I am almost positive our heartbeats were frantically in sync.
"Please, BB." His eyes softened. "Marry me."
My eyes snapped open as the alarm clock blared that horrific sound telling me it was much too early in the morning, seven o'clock to be precise. I threw my left hand towards the damn alarm and slapped it until it shut off. Yes! That's better. The sunlight filtered in through an open sliver of my heavy curtains and bounced a sparkle off of the engagement ring on my finger. I hadn't taken it off since Carlisle put it on the night he had asked me to marry him. I still felt guilty I hadn't given it back to him when I left, but I needed it to feel closer to him. I needed to keep something that reminded me of the best thing I ever had.
Although, every night since I'd left, I dreamed of him. I remembered every moment we shared together, the good, the bad. In all reality, I didn't need the ring to make me feel connected to him; I would always feel that connection. I guess I hoped that someday I would be able to take the ring off and mail it back to him. However, today was definitely not that day. I brought the ring to my lips and held it there, like it would be a replacement for Carlisle's lips. Hardly.
Oddly enough though, it did calm me. It even comforted me. I sighed heavily and sat up. I had never been a morning person, but today seemed worse. I had worked until two that morning and had not been able to sleep all that well. I had tossed and turned, thinking of Carlisle more often than I usually do. When I did manage to sleep, my dreams were filled of him. I always had him on my mind. There wasn't an hour he wasn't at the forefront of my thoughts, but the last few days had been the worst.
I rubbed the palms of my hands on my face to help wake me, before I dragged myself to the bathroom and did my morning ritual. I had just gotten my hair up in a messy bun and was brushing my teeth – I'd decided to take a shower after I got back – when my cell phone rang from my bedside table.
I spit in the sink and ran from the bathroom, slamming into the wall on the way to the bedroom. "Ugh." I rubbed my shoulder and grabbed my cell phone. Mike. No. No. NO.
I took a deep breath and answered, "Morning Mike." I sighed.
"Bella! Hey, I know you worked late last night and I was hoping to leave a voice mail so I wouldn't wake you..." I walked back to the bathroom to put my toothbrush away.
"What's up Mike?" Come on man, get to the point, I thought to myself as I propped the phone between my ear and shoulder so I could have my hands free to put on some lotion. I had less than an hour before I was supposed to be at the park.
"Couldyouworktonight,Bella?" Mike said it so quickly that I almost couldn't make it out. I closed my eyes in disgust.
When I'd moved from Washington to Chicago three months ago, I'd left my freelance photography job and all my contacts. I needed something quick to get the money coming in. I always passed this restaurant/club when I was coming home and noticed the 'Help Wanted' sign.
Breaking Dawn was a new up and coming restaurant/club. It consisted of three levels. The bottom level had a stage where different local bands and DJs preformed nightly. A bar sat in the middle of the first floor with a dance floor surrounding it and a stage. There were two sets of winding staircases on each side leading to the second and third floors where the dining areas were for the restaurant.
I was a hostess/waitress and made damn good money in tips. I'm sure the skimpy outfits helped. It wasn't the dream job I thought I would have. I'd made some good friends the little time I'd been there, but I missed my old life. I missed my photography job. I missed my old friends. I missed Washington. I missed the ocean, the beach and the rain. Most of all, I missed Carlisle.
I sighed and leaned my hip against the bathroom counter. "What time should I be there?" I asked as I threw the lotion bottle onto the counter.
"Thank you so much Bella! I really appreciate it. Jessica called in sick and may not even be in tomorrow night."
"Tomorrow's Halloween, Mike!" I groaned, not even trying to hide my disgust.
"Yeah I know. I'm really urging her to get better soon if you know what I mean," he joked.
I wasn't laughing. He must have sensed his joke bombed when I made no attempt to reply. Mike was only a year older than I was, 28. How he had landed this job was beyond me. He did a great job with the schedules, orders, finances, booking bands, but there were times when it came to having a backbone and standing up to people and he failed.
He wanted to be liked so much by his employees that some-like Jessica-sensed his weakness and took advantage of it. "Anyway, Edward and Jasper are taking over the bar tomorrow and Alice and Ro will help you with the waitressing tonight and tomorrow in the event that Jessica doesn't show up."
"Okay, Mike. That sounds good."
"Thanks Bella. I do appreciate it." I smiled as I walked out of the bathroom and into my bedroom to start getting dressed. I put my cell phone on speaker and set it down on the bed, while I grabbed my skinny jeans.
"So, what time tonight, Mike?" I grunted from across the room as I shimmied my jeans up, zipped them and slipped on my ballet flats.
"Six okay? If not seven is cool, too," he replied.
"I'll be there at six. I can use the extra money." I grabbed a white V neck t-shirt from the closet and headed toward my bed.
"Okay, see you at six, Bella. Thanks again." With that he hung up while I continued getting dressed. I was out the door and heading toward the park with a few minutes to spare.
I made my way to the coffee shop, located a block away from the park and got two large black coffees to go. I had come to the park on a whim when I first moved here, just to escape my condo. I was a crying, sniveling mess that first month. When I wasn't working, I did nothing but lay in bed.
I hadn't cared if I made new friends, I didn't give a rat's ass what my co-workers thought of me. I was there for the paycheck, that was it. I barely ate or drank. I missed the appointments I was supposed to go to, and I couldn't find it in me to care.
I'd lost my reason for smiling...and I did it by my own hand. One decision had turned my world upside down. My insecurities led me to my life now. I sure as Hell wasn't happy with where I was in this life. I was never an overly religious person, but I prayed that those I left behind, namely Carlisle, would forgive me and find peace and happiness. I wasn't good enough for them and couldn't bring them down with me. It was better for them if I let them go. Let Carlisle go. I knew I was a coward, but I couldn't see any other option.
I allowed my depression to swallow me up for a month before I decided to TRY and live again. I started going to my appointments a month after I'd arrived in Chicago. Although, I knew deep down that I would never fully live, but I had to at least try. I had to, even if I wasn't near Carlisle anymore. He had brought me out of shell, he'd helped me to see the good in living and opening up. I felt like I was disappointing him by allowing the darkness to embrace me on such a deep level. I knew I would never be the same again without him.
The morning I decided to try again, I woke up and took a shower, and got dressed. I rummaged through the moving boxes that still sat unpacked - even after having lived here for a month and found my old 35mm camera.
I'd left the condo with no destination in mind. I couldn't explain it, but my instincts were guiding my body and telling me to go with the flow. I never questioned it. I let my feet take me to the coffee shop and then to the park. I sat on one of the benches and people watched, taking photos of the children playing or the scenery. I watched families rent the little battery operated boats so they could sail on the small man made lake.
Ducks and geese waddled around freely. A few times I would bring a loaf of bread with me to feed them, but not too often as I learned after a few days in a row of that practice, they became accustomed to it and literally flocked to me when I'd arrive.
One morning a little boy who couldn't have been older than four years old was chasing a butterfly and barreled into my legs as I was taking photos of the geese bathing themselves in the lake. It was the strangest sense of déjà vu. In that moment, I thought of Carlisle and Ciaus and that fateful day at the beach that had forever changed my life. When I finally met the eyes of the excited toddler, I froze. I finally felt like I had been given a sign. The coolest greenish gray eyes met mine. The baby faced toddler smiled the brightest smile, it met his eyes and for the first time in three months, I genuinely smiled back.
From that day on, I woke up early every morning and was at the park by eight o'clock in the hopes of seeing Tyler and his beautiful smile, his gorgeous eyes and hearing his infectious laugh.
I finally found something, someone to look forward to.
Now and then I would bring him a toy, a balloon, but I never overdid it. He was never at the park with his parents, always his nanny, Maria. I became friends with the woman, who I guessed to be in her late thirties and we got to know each other over our black coffees. It didn't matter that I usually got off work at two or three in the morning, I was always there. I always had my camera with me and continued to take photos of my surroundings, which now included this handsome little boy.
"Good morning, Bella!" Maria exclaimed as she and Tyler walked toward me, hand in hand, waking me from my thoughts. I smiled brightly at Maria, handing her the steaming cup of black coffee and made eye contact with my little man.
"Morning, Maria." I put my arms out to Tyler. "And you, how are you, little man?"
Tyler shrieked in excitement as he flung himself in my arms. I sighed contently as I held him close. I couldn't explain the feeling that drifted through me when I held this little boy, but I wasn't about to deny myself. I looked over to see a smiling Maria watching us over her tilted coffee cup.
"I'm good."
"You are?" I set Tyler on my knee and bounced him. "Were you a good boy at preschool yesterday?"
"Yes!"
"Oh well, I'm relieved..." I teased. "Because if not I would have to bring out the tickle monster!"
"No!" He wiggled in my lap until I loosened my hold and he ran off toward the jungle gym. I laughed as I watched him climb to the top. Maria nudged my shoulder with hers.
"How you been? You sleep any?"
I sighed and immediately took a long swig of my hot coffee. "Uh, I get the usual."
"The usual huh? Somehow I get the feeling that's not enough, darling, you're looking worse for wear."
I put my hand on my chest and feigned offense. "You know just how to make a girl's day!" I stuck my tongue out at her.
Maria's chuckle slowly turned into a sigh as we both looked in Tyler's direction and saw him playing tag with little boy and girl who had gotten to the playground not too long after him.
"So, what are you doing tonight?" Maria asked.
I took another sip of my coffee and set it down on the ground by my feet. "Got called into work tonight." I made a face to show my disappointment. Really though it didn't bother me. It kept me occupied.
"Oh, that's too bad."
"Yeah." I picked up my camera. "You mind if I snap some shots while we talk?" I motioned to my camera.
Maria shook her head. "Not at all."
I began shooting Tyler and the other two children playing on the jungle gym, tagging each other than running away, giggling. It was such a sight. Innocence. They didn't have a care in the world. How I longed for that feeling again.
"Well, I've got a proposition for you, Bella." Maria began. That snapped me out of my bubble. I cocked my head in her direction, away from watching the kids play. "It's no big deal." She held her hands up in mock surrender.
I smiled, chuckling softly. "What do you have in mind?"
"Well, I'm not sure if a four year old can have crushes, but I think it's safe to say that your little man is crushing on you big time! You're all he talks about. I hear about YOU all day..." She rolled her eyes then winked. I snorted. "Anyway, his parents have asked me to invite you to dinner. Since you work tonight and tomorrow's Halloween, that's a no go, but maybe next week sometime? They would really love to meet you." She ended with a smile.
I had mixed emotions. I wasn't overly social or anti-social for that matter, but meeting new people always scared me. Yet this was Tyler's parents. I'm sure they were curious about the 'stranger' who saw their son every day. The stranger who made sure to see Tyler come rain or shine for the last two months-no fail. Hell, I would be worried about it and I knew I posed no threat. What if they thought I did though? What if they saw right through me and saw that I was no good? What if I wasn't allowed to see Tyler anymore? I shook off that thought quickly and met Maria's eyes.
"I would love to." I looked down quickly to my camera, dying for a distraction. "Will you be there? It'd be nice to have another friendly face." I felt Maria's stare. I refused to meet her gaze, instead I continued taking pictures of Tyler and his friends.
"I think so. I mean I'm usually there all the time, it's not often I have days off in a long stretch. Like today and tomorrow will be the first days off I've had in a while."
I looked down from my camera. "Wow. What's the special occasion?" I teased with a wink.
"They have some family that came in late last night from the West coast. I guess they haven't seen them in a while. They got in about two this morning."
"What's their story?" I fished.
"Uh, well, I didn't really see any of them. I know there's an older couple, grandparents to Tyler and their son, Tyler's uncle, came with them, but like I said...I haven't actually met them."
"Well that's cool though and hey, you get some time off too." I waggled my eyebrows suggestively. "You got a hot date maybe? A costume party?" I nudged her shoulder with mine. Maria blushed and giggled.
"Uh no!"
"Come on, girl, get out there. Shake your booty and have some fun!" I encouraged. I grabbed my coffee and finished it, watching her from the corner of my eye. Maria always seemed so sure of herself, but when I teased her about dating or parties, she clammed up. I guess we have that in common. If it wasn't for me working at Breaking Dawn, I would never be out either. Although, I never looked at it as being out, to me it was just a job.
"We can go out and shake our booties together sometime. How's that sound? You can even invite your friends, Alice and Edward...Oh! Maybe Emmett? He's a cutie, but you can leave Rosalie at home." She cackled.
During one of our daily meetings at the park, Maria noticed a bear of a man running around the park and doing sit-ups, he was really working up a sweat. As the man drew closer to where we sat, I realized it was Emmett, the doorman at Breaking Dawn. He recognized me and stopped to say hello. I introduced him to Maria and they traded pleasantries. Ever since that morning, Maria had been smitten and she asked about him often, even though Emmett was involved with Rosalie.
"She's not that bad." I lied. She was friendly, yet I found myself biting my tongue at times just by being in the same room as her.
"Yeah, well." She waved it off.
I sighed happily as I saw Tyler running toward us with a huge smile plastered on his face and blush coloring his cheeks from his excursion.
"Maria! Bella!" He came to a screeching stop in front of us, breathing heavily with his hands resting on his knees. I couldn't help but burst into a fit of giggles at Tyler's excitement. Maria stood, taking my empty coffee cup with hers and throwing it into the trash bin. Tyler grabbed her pant leg and pulled. "You guys want to play with us? Please? We're going to play musical chairs."
I couldn't help but giggle again, although I quickly placed my hand over my mouth. "Where are your chairs, Tyler?" I asked.
He turned to look at me as though I had two heads. I looked to Maria, who shrugged her shoulders. Tyler grabbed my hand and pulled Maria and me to the faux camp fire to the right of the park. "Here." He managed to huff out in explanation.
I sat down on a huge rock, "Okay, you're it Tyler! We need music though!" Tyler pulled Maria to sit down next to me as the other two children came and joined us. I smiled at them and waved.
"Bella, these two monkeys are Todd and Kate. They are in Tyler's preschool class," Maria said.
"Hi." They waved shyly but I could see the excitement in their eyes as Tyler shushed us quiet.
"Okay, we need someone to sing then stop, then sing again..." Tyler looked at me. "Can you sing that song you sang to me that time I hurt my knee?"
His question took me by surprise. I had forgotten all about that. My heart raced in my chest at the memories that song held for me. That day he hurt himself, Maria had stepped away to use the restroom. He'd fallen off the swings and skinned his knee. I cleaned it up and tried to soothe him, but nothing worked, until I got the bright idea to lift him up as though he was flying and I began to sing to him. It had always made me feel better when it was sung to me - when Carlisle sang it to me. I was shocked he had remembered.
"Uh, sure Tyler." I blinked, trying to compose myself. Tyler motioned for everyone to stand and started walking in a circle around the makeshift chairs. I took a shaky breath. Here goes nothing.
"You're better then the best. I'm lucky just to linger in your light. Cooler than the flip side of my pillow, that's right. Completely unaware, nothing can compare to where you send me..." I sang until my voice broke in mid verse. The kids immediately rushed to the rocks and sat as did Maria, leaving me standing alone, trying not to burst into tears.
I closed my eyes tightly as I turned my back to all of them. I hadn't had a breakdown in a while. I hadn't shed a tear or had such a strong reaction to the memories in a while. I still thought of him every day. I missed him every day. I loved him every day. I wanted things to have played out differently. I would do anything and give it all up to be with him again-if I was what he needed or wanted.
Although days seemed to get easier, there wasn't a moment, an hour, that passed that I didn't long for him in every way. It tore my heart out how much I missed him, how I depended on him. Who was I kidding? I didn't have much heart left. I had given it to him. He still had it in his possession and I would never take it back. It wasn't mine anymore. It was his. It IS his. My heart belongs to him. Always.
I turned back to the four sets of eyes watching me. "So, I guess I lost out, huh?"