First off, I don't own the Nutcracker. And I don't own Holden Caulfield either – he belongs to JD Salinger. Read and enjoy!

It's That Time of Year

A Continuation of The New and Improved Nutcracker!

This play is sponsered by the Happy Strawberry Foundation: Bringing Slash to the World.

Act I, Scene 1

Return to the last scene in the New and Improved Nutcracker. The Mouse King is still chained to the bed with fuzzy pink handcuffs. He fidgets with his tail, bored, since it has been 3 hours since the Nutcracker left and he's getting hungry.

Mouse King: (Whining) I'm bored! Where is that nutcracker? He can't just love me and leave me! I'm the mouse king, damnit! (Grunts, pulling at handcuffs) Crap, these things are too strong. (Eyeing handcuffs appreciatively) I must say, pink is definitely my color though.

Toy soldier enters from left, holding a slip of paper

Soldier: Sir! The sugar plum fairies have sent an invitation to their annual Christmas party– (He stops, catching sight of the Mouse King) Oh my. (Looks away, blushing) Sorry, sir. Is his highness the Nutcracker present?

Mouse King: No, he stepped out…(Pauses, drawing breath) THREE BLOODY HOURS AGO!!!

Soldier: (Jumps, startled, then shifts uncomfortably) Ah…any idea where he is, sir?

Mouse King: (Snarls) Does it look like I know where he went?

Soldier: (Glances involuntarily back at the bed, then looks away quickly) Um, no, sir.

Mouse King: (Notices soldier's averted gaze) Ah, what are you being so shy about? Nothing here you don't have. Well, except for the tail, I guess. (Gets an idea)Hey, wanna uncuff me?

Soldier: Um…sorry, sir, I don't have the authority to do that.

Mouse King: (Looks soldier up and down) You're a general, aren't you?

Soldier: (Timidly) Y-yes, sir.

Mouse King: THEN WHY DON'T YOU HAVE THE AUTHORITY TO RELEASE ME?! RELEASE ME! THIS BLOODY INSTANT!

Soldier: (Close to tears) Please don't yell at me, sir! (Sniffles) I'm just trying to do my job!

Mouse King: Bloody hell, my army was defeated by a bunch of spineless pansies like you?!

Soldier: (Crying) Stop being mean! Don't call me names, you hurt my feelings!

Mouse King: (Irritated, in disbelief)I "hurt your feelings!?" Come on, man, where's your intestinal fortitude?

Soldier: (Startled out of crying) My what?

Mouse King: Intestinal fortitude! (Sees that soldier is still confused) Guts, man, guts! Where are your guts?! (Aside, to audience) A bunch of stupid, spineless pansies. How the hell did I manage to lose to these guys?

Act I, Scene 2

Running footsteps are heard outside the room, then the door bursts open. Nutcracker comes running in from left, waving a neon green feather boa and what looks like a leather dish cloth.

Nutcracker: Oh Mouse King! Mouse King, look what I got— (Stops short on seeing the soldier) General! What are you doing here?

Soldier: Oh, sir! You've received an invitation—

Mouse King: (Interrupts) Is that a loin cloth?!

Nutcracker: (A bit sulky) No, it's a mini skirt. I got it on sale at Sluts 'R Us.

Soldier: (Uncertainly) Um, sir?

Nutcracker: Go ahead, General. Continue.

Soldier: (Clears throat) Sir, the sugar plum fairies have sent an invitation to their annual Christmas party. They want you to RSVP ASAP and they'll TTYL. Oh, and there's an FYI that the party's casual dress, and to wear clothes that can get wet.

Nutcracker: (Bewildered) Huh? I know RSVP and ASAP, but what's FYI? Or TTYL?

Soldier: (Equally confused) I'm not familiar with the terms, sir.

Nutcracker: FYI…Funny Yelping Icon?

Soldier: Or Furry Yawning Idiot?

Mouse King: (Mid-yawn) Hey!

Nutcracker: (Sternly) That was uncalled for, General.

Soldier: Sorry, sir. Sorry, Mouse King. (Waits until Nutcracker's back is turned, then sticks his tongue out and whispers) How do you like being called names, meanie?

Mouse King: (Ignores soldier, looking disdainful) Come on, you two, am I the only one with a life? FYI means For Your Information, and TTYL means—

Nutcracker: Twenty Tancing Yellow Lights?

Mouse King: No, you idiot, it means— (Stops, realizing what the Nutcracker said) "Tancing?"

Nutcracker: I was right?

Mouse King: No! Bloody imbecile, you aren't right! What the bloody hell is tancing?!

Nutcracker: You know, tancing! Geez, and you say I don't have a life. You don't even know what tancing is! Hypocrite.

Mouse King: (Sarcastically) Ok, so I don't know what "tancing" is. Enlighten me.

Nutcracker: (Starts singing) Tancing queen, she's the tancing queen…

Mouse King: YOU BLOODY IDIOT! Dancing, not tancing! Dancing! With a d!

Nutcracker: (Pouting) Fine! Fine, so make fun of me! It's not my fault that I can't spell, I had a lousy childhood! And a speech impediment!

Mouse King: You don't have a speech impediment.

Nutcracker: Thanks!

Mouse King: You have a brain impediment.

Nutcracker: (Continues smiling for a moment before understanding) Hey! That's not nice.

Mouse King: Whatever. TTYL means Talk To You Later. Not hard, Nutcracker.

Nutcracker: (Seductively) Says who?

Mouse King: Huh?

Nutcracker: Who says I'm not hard?

Nutcracker leans in close to the Mouse King, and the two share a passionate kiss.

Soldier: Ahem! (Nutcracker pulls back) Ah, sir, I'll just be leaving. What should I tell the fairies?

Nutcracker: Oh, yes, of course. Tell them I'll be there. You may leave, General.

Soldier: Yes, sir!

Nutcracker: And General, you never saw me.

Soldier: (Confused) But sir, if I never saw you, then how can I have your reply to the fairies?

Nutcracker: Good point. (Thinks, then points at Mouse King) You never saw him.

Soldier: No, sir. Good bye, sir!

Soldier exits to right. Nutcracker leans back over Mouse King.

Nutcracker: Now…where were we?

Act I, Scene 3

Footsteps sound in the hallway by the room, then Clara's voice is heard.

Clara: (From outside) Nutcracker! Nutcracker, are you going to the fairies' party tonight?

Nutcracker: Bloody hell, she's found me! (Turns to Mouse King) Quick, hide! (Looks around frantically trying to find someplace to hide the miniskirt and boa. Unable to find a place, he throws them at Mouse King) Here, hide these too!

Nutcracker dives under the bed just before Clara opens the door.

Clara: Nutcracker? Nutcracker—(Sees Mouse King) Oh my goodness!

Clara faints, and the Nutcracker comes out from under the bed.

Nutcracker: You idiot! Why didn't you hide?!

Mouse King: Um…maybe because I'm CHAINED TO THE BLOODY BED?! (rattles handcuffs for emphasis)

Nutcracker: Oh. Sorry.

Clara wakes up, and grabs Nutcracker as he tries to hide under the bed again.

Clara: Nutcracker, I am ashamed of you!

Nutcracker: Clara, I can explain, it's not what you think!

Clara: Consorting with deformed rodents—

Mouse King: What the hell? I'm NOT DEFORMED!!!

Clara: — Buying all sorts of inappropriate items— (She lifts the leather miniskirt up with a finger, then drops it back on the Mouse King)

Nutcracker: Clara—

Mouse King: I am NOT deformed!

Clara: — And accepting that invitation to the fairies party!

Nutcracker: But Clara, I don't see what's wrong with the party and—

Clara: What's WRONG with the party is that EVERYONE knows they're thinly disguised orgies! Who knows how many STDs you could contract there!

Nutcracker: But—

Mouse King: I am NOT deformed!

Clara: I absolutely forbid it! (Turning to Mouse King) And YOU, you shut up! You are deformed! You're supposed to have five heads, but you only have one!

Mouse King: I do not have five heads!

Clara: That's the point.

Mouse King: But wait, wouldn't I be deformed if I had five heads?

Clara: Yes.

Mouse King: But since I only have one, that means I'm not deformed!

Clara: No, but you're SUPPOSED to have five, so you are deformed because you're deviating from what you're supposed to have.

Mouse King: Aaargh! It's a Catch-22!

Holden Caulfield: In the rye.

Everyone else (Mouse King, Nutcracker, Clara): Huh?

Holden Caulfield: Catch 22 in the rye, get it? Ha ha!

Everyone else: (Disbelieving silence)

Holden Caulfield: Fine! You're all a bunch of phonies anyways! I'll just pretend I've been shot in the stomach and leave.

Holden Caulfield bends over, clutching his stomach and pretends to be dying from a gunshot wound. He staggers out the door and out of sight.

Mouse King: That was weird.

Nutcracker: Yeah.

Clara: (Throws hands in air) Ugh, whatever! I'm warning you, Nutcracker, you better not go to that party! (Snatches the miniskirt and boa) I'll just take these and burn them. Oh, and get an exterminator to get rid of this deformed rat.

Mouse King: I am NOT a rat! And I'm NOT deformed!

Nutcracker looks at Mouse King and shrugs, then walks out the door. Curtain closes.

Please review! Thank you, and may your Christmases be bright (and slashy)!