"Cas, come one. You don't have to stay. Just pop in and let me know you're okay...Okay?" Dean bargained to an empty room. He had been praying to Cas nearly every chance he got alone. At the moment Sam was out running or some hippie crap like that. Dean was nearly at his wits end. In Purgatory he had something proactive to do to save Cas but now...now he had no idea. The angel had practically told him he was suicidal if he went back to Heaven and yet all the signs point to the angel being in that very place.
He just wished Cas would answer him, or even better, come back and join him and Sammy. Cas was right, Heaven wasn't his home anymore, it was with them, saving people in the Impala. Them against the world.
Well...At least that's what he would tell anyone that asked. Deep down he knew it was more than that...deep down he knew...No. He wasn't going there again. His mind had been there nearly every night when he was laying in bed. Cas. He tried to tell himself that the only reason he was having these...thoughts was because of all that had happened in the past between them. They were survivors so of course they would be close. But he certainly wouldn't be having the thoughts and dreams he had been having. And certainly wouldn't be looking at certain areas of Cas' body that he was currently catching himself gazing and sneaking curious glances at. The void that Cas' absence had made was bigger than what a simple friend or ally would make. Damn it. He needed to find Cas and get this whole mess sorted out.
Dean was almost desperate to the point of doing an angel summoning and shoving Cas' featheredass into a ring of holy fire.
Hearing no answer form his friend, he flopped sullenly down on his bed. He was almost in a light doze when he heard it.
Dean...I'm sorry. It was Cas' voice that had popped suddenly into his head and he knew that it wasn't on it's own accord.
But the pull of slep was suddenly more overwhelming than usual and Dean had no choice but to succumb to sleep.
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Dean's face appeared in head again as he stared down at the angel blade that was firmly grasped in his hands. HE was sitting alone in the dark depths of a forest with little inclination as to how he got there. He was by a small pond with only the light of the moon to give him sight.
Dean. The hunder had been a driving force in his search for pentance. Dean was his friend and he couldn't bear the thought of looking in the man's eyes and seeing the disappointment that would lie there.
So he had repented in Purgatory and again on Earth when he miraculously emerged It seemed to be working, Dean was no longer looking at him with disappointment...but he knew he was just staving off the inevitable. Heaven had to know he was out and on Earth...maybe even had a hand in it. He could feel it. The destruction he had wreaked was inexcusable. Millions slaughtered for what he believed was the 'Greater good'.
He looked down at the blade again. One sharp thrust and twist and it would all be over. No harm no foul, right?
And who would really care? Sam? Maybe. Despite what he had been condemned for, Sam had also became a close friend to him.
Dean? Probably. But the man had dealt with a lot worse than this. His parents, Sam, Jo, Bobby...no, this wouldn't phase his tough as nails Hunter. After he kicked himself with misplace guilt he would move on and soon Cas would be nothing more than another chapter of horror that had become t
he Winchester's lives.
He pulled back the blade, pointing the tip at his stomach. There was probably a less painful way to do this but Cas believed he would deserve the pain, after all, suicide is considered a sin in the eyes of his Father. He would deserve every ounce of the pain.
But there it was again. Dean. Popping into his mind. His laughing echoing through his head. Cas liked Dean's laugh. It was a rare thing to happen so you had to enjoy it when it came.
He sighed as he heard Dean praying to him and the blade wavered in his hands.
Dean wanted to know that he was okay. The man had been praying to hims for weeks. He may not be able to remember much of recent events but he remembered Dean. His voice. He figrued he'd always remember the man. While he had turned off his 'angel mojo' he left his connection with Dean alone. He wouldn't have felt right without it.
He could feel Dean drifting off to sleep and Cas closed his eyes and dropped his knife.
Dean...I'm sorry. He couldn't even kill himself properly. Maybe he needed a final shove over the edge. Seeing Dean would remind him of the pain he had caused the man. And he owed the man an explanation...or at least a warning that he wasn't to be counted on to bring Dean and his brother back from the brink of death whenever they needed. The two would have to be more careful. He let himself pull Dean into a heavier sleep and then he pulling himself into the dream as well. One last goodbye to his Hunter.
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They were seated in the Impala. Even though they were in a dream, the low engine rumbles and soft leather was filling Cas' senses and causing him to relax way more than he though would ever be possible.
"Cas? This is real, right? I mean a real dream...I mean...hell."
"Yes, Dean. I know you've been calling, so I've invaded your dream to talk...I hope you don't mind." He added as an afterthought. The hunter had always been touchy about things like this.
"Yeah, I mean, I'm just glad you're back. I-"
"I'm not back, Dean"
"Ah...Gotcha." There was a tinge of sadness in his voice.
"So, what's going on then? You really just popped in to tell me you were alright?"
"It is what you asked."
"I guess it was, yeah." Dean turned and looked out of the window. They were on the side of an old country road. Trees all around, not a person in sight.
"Dean, after you wake up. You won't see me again. I won't be there to help you anymore."
"Why not?" He demanded, "If this is because of those dicks in Heaven having some kind of hold on you you can fight them, Cas. We can fight them. We've done it once and we can do it again. You just-"
"It's not Heaven that will be stopping me." The angel interupted.
"Then what is it, Cas?" Dean asked, finally getting impatient.
"I killed Samandriel." He said bluntly.
"I know, Cas. You said he was too far gone. It's not your fault."
"Which was a lie. I don't know how or why but I killed my brother on purpose. This is becoming too much of a reoccuring event. It has to be stopped. I have to be stopped."
"Cas, you're talking like you're about to-" Dean stopped suddenly as realization dawned on him.
"No, Cas."
"Dean-"
"No!" Dean growled angrily.
Cas quit talking and just let the man glare with rage.
"You're not doing this." Dean said decidedly after a moment.
"And why is that?" Cas asked with a grim smile.
"Cas, when I was going to say yes to Michael you kicked my ass to kingdom come for my little suicide mission. You think I won't happily return the favor?"
"Dean, I may be weaker than normal but I'm still an angel. Still stronger than you."
"Why is it okay for you but it wasn't for me." He demanded.
Cas gave the man an amused look.
"Despite what you think Dean Winchester, you have a lot more to live for than I do."
"Oh, bullshit."
"Dean, I have hurt my brothers and sisters in Heaven as well as lose a great deal of your respect here recently. This...is how it needs to be."
Dean let out a growl of frustration and slammed his hand onto the steering wheel.
"Cas, you son of a bitch! You want something to live for? Fine!"
Dean grabbed the angel by the front of the trench coat and Cas dimly thought the man was going to punch him. Cas was jerked forward and suddenly Dean's mouth was crashing against his.
Dean pulled back just far enough to speak against Cas' stunned lips.
"Cas, I don't know how it happened but it did. At first, I thought it was just that I saw you as another brother to me. But there's no way in hell I'd ever do this to Sammy." Dean said with a smile before descending back upon Cas' lips which were finally getting with the program.
The Pizza man certainly hadn't prepared him for this. Not with this kind of passion.
He felt Dean's hand cup the back of his neck to pull him even closer. He followed Dean's lead as he deepened the kiss. This was all new territory to Cas so the angel was more than content to let the hunter take the wheel.
Panting like a couple of hormonal teenagers they soon pulled back from each other. Not much, but enough.
"Promise you'll come home to me, Cas. Screw Heaven, okay? Just come home and you, me and Sammy will deal with the rest. Just like we always have. You just have to trust me."
Cas nodded after a moment but his eyes were locked heavil on Dean's smirking lips.
"Will more of this be included in our deal?" Cas asked with such a failed suggestive hint that it made Dean drop his head and laugh.
"Oh yeah, Cas. As much as you want, I suppose. It's been awhile since I've given Sam a reason to threaten to poke his eyes out with a knife."