Under The Napkin
They're going to Breadsticks tonight. Actually, Santana invited Brittany to Breadsticks. She knows it sounds cheesy, but after all they're not dating, and she just needs to talk to her. She's nervous. She still hasn't found the right words to express her request and her feelings, and talk to her about what's clouding up her mind these days. Santana's never been good with feelings, but when it comes to Brittany, she's ready to at least try.
She could have talked to her in front of her locker, but it reminds her too much of the time she poured her heart out a long time ago, before being rejected. Or the time they have stated that they were best friends – but back then, it just felt like they were giving up on their relationship.
She could have taken her to the park where they met, but it reminds her of the only time she called Brittany stupid, when they were 5 and she didn't even know what the word really meant.
She could have even talked to her at her house, or at Brittany's place, but she doesn't want her parents or Rory to hear what she has to say.
So she settles for Breadsticks. It might not be a private place, but it's at least a place where Santana feels safe.
However, while she drives Brittany to the restaurant, when they take their sits and even when they order, she still feels nervous. Brittany is her usual amazing self, laughing, talking, and ordering her favorite food – shrimps – and it should make things easier, but it actually makes them worst. How can Santana break the mood of her best friend-girlfriend-soul mate – what are they, really? – with such a serious conversation?
They start eating, and all she can do is stare at Brittany and look into those beautiful blue eyes that make her legs weak and her heart flutter. When Brittany falls into an almost religious silence while eating her shrimps, she finally finds the strength to talk.
"Britt…" She puts her fork back in her plate. "I wanna talk about… you know that… thing that we never talk about."
Brittany says something that she doesn't even hear, the next sentence rushing out of her mouth before she can stop it.
"Are we dating? Or what?"
"Wait, isn't this a date?" Brittany frowns. "Aren't you paying? Cause I ordered shrimp!"
Santana smiles at Brittany's cuteness. She would almost forget what she was asking in the first place; almost, because Brittany keeps going on.
"Wasn't last week, when we were taking a bath together, wasn't that a date?" Brittany whispers in a softer voice so that no one else would hear her.
Of course Santana remembers it. This bath was so nice, yet it made her chest ache in sadness. She was so happy to be there with Brittany, but not knowing if what they were doing was meaningful or if it was just another manifestation of the way they worked before she confessed her feelings just killed her. She was grateful back then that Brittany had her back to her, in the bathtub, because she couldn't see that she was crying.
Apparently she had no reasons to worry, because Brittany already considers that they were together. Back then and now.
We're together. We're on a date. We are dating.
She's my girlfriend.
Santana ducks her head and looks at her plate to hide her tears. But she can't hide anything from Brittany.
"Are you crying?"
"It's just that I'm really happy."
Brittany tries to reassure her in her special manner, and starts talking about leprechauns and wishes. Santana frowns, but she doesn't contest what Brittany thinks. She doesn't say "This is stupid." She doesn't say "Leprechauns don't exist." She just listens to her explanation; trying to see things the way Brittany sees them, like she always does.
"Don't you have wishes that you like really, really want to come true?" Brittany asks, following her train of thoughts.
Of course Santana does. She thinks about all the wishes that she has, all these things she's not sure she can get because whatever she does, it doesn't just depend on whether she wants them or not.
I want to stay with you forever. I want you, and no one else. I want to stop being so afraid. I want to quit this miserable town. But most of all I want to be happy. With you.
"Yeah I do." She answers with a frown before shaking her head, trying to forget all of these images of Brittany and her, happily ever after.
"I'm thinking of joining Shelby's new show choir."
She explains the reasons why she wants to leave the New Directions, before assuring that she won't leave without Brittany. This latter asks if she can think about it, and Santana brushes it off: "Yeah! No, totally. I understand, you know, just think about it" she says very fast, not wanting to pressure her.
Brittany nods, and she looks so adorable that Santana is once again overcome with feelings. She looks at the girl in front of her with a half-smile and feels the need to settle their newly proclaimed relationship.
"But in the meantime, I do have one more wish."
Brittany smiles, waiting for her to pursue her thoughts.
"I wish you'd hold my hand." Santana blurts out.
Brittany smiles – oh this smile – and takes Santana's hand in hers. The feeling of this new contact, settling so many things it makes the butterflies in her stomach fly everywhere, makes Santana go dizzy. She forgets everything for a second and beams with happiness, before remembering where they are. She shoots a rapid glance at the other people in the room, and none of them seem to have remarked their intertwined hands; but she's not ready to take the risk yet, so she takes the napkin and puts it over their joined hands.
"Like… Under the napkin." She adds, needing to justify her acts.
Instead of arguing, Brittany just smiles, and settles the napkin better over their hands.
They spend the rest of the meal like this, hands intertwined, fingers brushing against each other's while Brittany's thumb grazes the top of Santana's hand under the red napkin. It's not easy, especially for Brittany who has to peel her shrimps with only one hand, but Santana is there to help her with her free hand.
None of them is willing to let the other's hand go, and it's reluctantly that they have to break the contact at the end of the meal, in order to leave the restaurant.
One day. Santana thinks. One day, she will hold her hand on the table, without the napkin, and it will be ok. One day she will lead her to this table with her hand on her back, and it will be ok. One day she will kiss her, right in front of everyone, and it will be ok.
Until then… She has Brittany.
A/N: I'm sorry, I just had so many feelings! THEY ARE GIRLFRIENDS! Did you like it? What did you think about the episode?