The Words of a Vain and Proud Ship:
A Narrative
'Whoosh', the wind flows quickly past my sides as men unfurl my sails. Finally, we sail triumphantly from the landing, my home of many years with fewer men than before. They call this place we leave 'Troy', and I know of the plans made by men. They say a wooden horse was built to trick the Trojans. I feel the joy of the men; it must have been a victory. Other ships go past, but I know I am much better than these. They are but fishing boats compared to my beauty and strength. We sail onward, but I see the land ahead. We stop and as men foolishly try to land in rocks, I guide them. They praise their gods, but I know it is me they should be praising. I am the one who gets them out of so many scrapes with my vast and all encompassing knowledge.
The men go to fight; I can see the greed in their eyes. Ignoramuses. Not too much time passes before I see them from the shore, shamefully drunk as skunks. The men who live there drive my men off. I laugh in my planks as they come rushing back to me like kittens after a scare. No matter, I will carry them off, the leader of Odysseus' fleet, the greatest of them all. Sailing on, we come across a land that I know will be dangerous to some. I try to stop Odysseus, but as always, he ignores me. I suppose mere men like them cannot understand a language as complex and eloquent as that of the ships. A few men go off, as we wait, I get bored of the petty gossip from the other ships. I am so much wiser than them, the young barnacle-ridden vessels. Odysseus goes to find the men, and drags them back. I sneer at them who want to stay and forget all, intoxicated wastes. We leave this land, the three men still trying to go back.
Landing farther on in our travels, I recognize the home of the Cyclopes, giants with one eye who keep to the land, no match for my aquatic skill. Odysseus and the best men head for the cave of one such Cyclops, again not heeding my warning. I sense something is wrong as time goes by, but I see the men, tied to goats, free themselves and run to me, the Cyclops blinded. Odysseus calls out to him taunting. I sigh at his folly as the Cyclops, Polyphemus I see, gets our position and hurls rocks at us. The men send up a plea to him to stop, and I brave the waters ahead, getting them out safely.
As we sail, I notice the wind god's home. I have always known Aeolus, personally of course, since he was the one who first breathed wind into my sails and set me on towards the vast seas where ships really come from. Because of this, he favors Odysseus and his men and gives them a present of the bad winds in a bag, a gift I've rarely seen, but seeing as how I am the best ship he's sent out, I'm not surprised. We sail quickly homeward, even sight land. Resting the night, I notice the men, numbskulls that they are, sneak into the bag they believe holds treasure only to be bludgeoned by storms and cruel winds all the way back to Aeolus. A smaller ship approaches first and I let it have its moment of glory, holding Odysseus, knowing I am still much better, and Odysseus' favorite after all. Aeolus doesn't see me, and sends them away, what fools they are to not see the advantage of my awesomeness.
We move on, landing at the shore of a place I know to hold cannibals. I try to guide the men on to another, better place, but they take this to be more bad winds and push against me. Not wanting to hurt my own men, I let them land. I watch them suffer from this mistake as only my crew along with Odysseus are left. We land at Circe's home and many men go off. A few follow later and I realize Circe is up to her old tricks again and is changing the men into animals. Convincing Hermes to give Odysseus the antidote, I save Odysseus and wonder why he waits for so long to return. I get news from my tree aunts on land, the ones closest to my great mother trees from which I was formed. Nowhere near as wonderful as my mothers, these trees lack the understanding passed on to me, but I decipher their meaning. Silly, half-witted, Odysseus and his men. The trip to the underworld would take forever even if Odysseus did return. I wait some more, and finally, Odysseus returns. We sail around some more and I wonder why these men don't ask me how to get home, but they still have not learned the assiduously prodigious vocabulary of the ships.
Nearing the land of the sirens, I try again to warn Odysseus, and he understands. I watch the wax melt into the ears of shipmates and Odysseus is tied to my mast. I am proud of my strong Odysseus listening to the siren song, best of the mortals; he learned all his courage from me, of course. I listen in to Odysseus' mutterings and learn of his plan, to sail between Scylla and Charybdis. Most ships would tremble, but not me, my timbers do not quake at every little gust of wind or wave, I will carry my men safely. I will be the subject of epics and tales for years to come; I will be the greatest of them all even besting the great first ship Sloshaposhalophoculas.
We near the fright of men and the terror of ships, we sail on Scylla's side, but against my counsel, Odysseus tries to fight that abomination. Men are lost, taken up, but none of the good ones, so no matter. Only the unworthy are taken. With my great prowess, we escape and sail smoothly onward. The men grow weary, but not me. I am excited by this adventure; at last something to show off my phenomenal, fabula-rific abilities. We land, what weaklings these that travel on me are. I see Lord Helios' cattle grazing and warn Odysseus. Again, he alone understands the magniloquent, grandiloquent beauty of the ship language. But, the stupid, foolish mortals disobey once again. I wait to see Lord Helios' punishment. I overhear Zeus and am appalled and agog to learn that I, the greatest of all ships am to be struck down for reparation and retribution. I feel my planks crack and my parts break; why me? What did I do? Oh, but of course, I now understand, Zeus is jealous that such a majestic ship as I have graced the paltry world of men and is taking me away up to Olympus where everyone will know I am the best of them all. Good-bye foolish mortals, I will listen to your prayers when I am goddess of all ships under Poseidon the Magnificent if your sacrifices are pleasing.