Light at the end of the Tunnel

I am Elena Gilbert. I was a human, then I became a vampire but now I am just…dead. I mean, I walk through the motions, I smile, I speak but I barely exist. I am a sister, I am a friend but I am nowhere to be found. This is not a journal because… what would I say? Dear diary I am no one. I am nothing but flesh and bone not even blood because what runs in my veins is not mine.

I keep thinking that maybe one day I can wake up and remember how to live again but after three years I just don't think that will ever happen. So I am stuck here walking this earth as a shell. Not that I haven't thought about ending it because I have. The thought of taking off my ring to let the sun free me of my prison inside my body is the only thing that makes my smile real. Every moment of every day, I have to fight the pull to do the only thing I really want to do and instead do what living people do: I pretend to be a normal vampire who's pretending to be a human.

Listening to my only desire is not an option. I just can't do that to my brother whom I love dearly with whatever heart I have left. He needs me and so does my friend Caroline and Ric… and Stefan. They all lost too many people and I just can't ad myself to that list. Instead I try to be there for them as much as possible. I listen and I comfort sometimes lending a shoulder for someone to cry on. It was not like that in the beginning though because I went through all stages of grief before I ended up here, accepting my existence as it is.

The first stage I went through was denial. After everything that happened I went back to college. I went to all my classes and studied hard never once letting myself dwell. I went to frat parties. I danced and I drank all the while ignoring my roommate and everyone else I used to care about. My thoughts were playing hot lava inside my head jumping around from thought to thought and skipping anything related to the people I cared about. I kept looking at my phone waiting for that name to show up on my screen and I even tried to call it once or twice only to end the call before it connected.

As the days went by the people left in my life started to freak out about my strange behavior and my attempts to push them away, so they tried to talk to me to make me realize what I was doing but I did not acknowledge the truth even as I went to my Psych 101 class and learned about the five stages of grief.

One day I went to a party half way through the night, I caught a flash of dark hair and a leather jacket. My heart jumped inside my chest. I dropped the cup in my hand on someone's shoes and barely registered their annoyed "hey!" before I made my way through the crowd trying to find that leather jacket. There he was, standing with his back towards me and I stretched my arm out to reach him faster. When my hand landed on his shoulder, he stopped whatever conversation he was having and turned around. I took a step back as I felt something slice through my chest at the sight of the face in front of me. His skin was not that porcelain pale color, his jaw not sharp and defined and his eyes not that intense blue that was a blend between a clear sky and the middle part of a flame.

Right there in front of that guy, my world crumbled and I scraped to find anything to hold on to in the face of the flood that was my emotions. Just then he winked at me so I leaped towards him and attached my mouth to his. He melted into my kiss immediately.

That night I went to bed with that guy and over the next couple of months, I threw myself in a new bed every night. I wanted revenge and this was the only way I could think of to get it: By giving myself to anyone who was interested. I never drank any of their blood though because I did not want to enjoy it.

My anger was not aimed at something in particular but more like everything. I was angry with myself, my life, people around me and most of all; I was angry with him. Because he left me when he had promised me he wouldn't… twice, because he was not selfish when I needed him to be, because he took something with him that I couldn't function without, like a soldier who lost a limb in battle, just more painful and less visible, most of all though because he finally showed me a glimpse of heaven before he shut the door in my face and I fell all the way down to hell.

Some days I would shout my hate for him at the top of my lungs and others I would lie in the middle of the road to catch unsuspecting humans and take their blood just to feel closer to him though I knew he would hate my doing that. He hated the idea of him changing me, well now I was a coldblooded slut who did not care about anyone and my emotions were not even off.

I was soaking myself in the blood and nearly bit Caroline's head off when she pled with me to stop… So she sent Stefan to find me. I was just finishing off a trucker on a road right outside of Mystic Falls and compelling him to forget, when I heard a rustling in the woods on the side of the road. The moment the trucker started his engine and drove away, Stefan stepped out of the woods with his hands in his pockets as if he was just taking a stroll through his back yard. When he got close enough for me to be able to see his face it hit me…hard. He was probably the closest person to understanding what I was feeling.

Stefan lost a part of himself too and I realized that the guilt must have been eating him alive. That was the first time I saw him since that night and his face looked tired and old. Not the kind of old you see in wrinkles and grey hair because obviously his body still looked 17 years old but the way he moved and the hopeless look in his eyes spoke of years and years of misery. How could I be so wrapped up in my own pain that I missed the pain of the only people I have left? Right then and there I decided to stop the careless self-indulgence, to stop being selfish. I was going to be whatever they need me to be.

He asked me to go help him in his research and I was puzzled by his request until it dawned on me. Of course he would try to find a way… maybe a spell. How did I never think of that before? I was too blinded by rage but now I knew and I had to help. We went to his rented apartment close to Whitmore. It was tiny and every possible surface was occupied with books, dictionaries, grimoires and all kinds of old scripts and documents.

He told me that he was searching for Liv and Luke but did not have any luck at finding them yet, so he was trying to find other witches who could help. He was also researching the other side and trying to read everything related to Qetsiyah's spell. I didn't need any prompting so I dug in devouring every piece of information I could get my hands on both in his little apartment and wherever else I could find something relevant. That was when I decided to quit college because I did not want to waste a single minute of my day doing anything but trying to be a better person to the people in my life and trying to find a way. They tried to talk me out of it but in the end it was my decision.

We never found Liv or Luke but we ended up finding several witches though none of them gave us anything whether we asked nicely or threatened them and their families. Still we would not give up… We couldn't. What we knew for certain was that the other side was gone and apart from a few theories, no one knew for sure where anyone would end up after that. It was the biggest question of our existence really; where would we all go when we die? The humans tried to find an answer to that question for thousands of years but we were not humans and if someone had a hope of finding out the answer it was us.

You know how I said that I was trying to be there for the people in my life? Well, I found out that I was not that helpful at all. Ric was a vampire now and I did not realize that he had not had any practice in control but I found out the hard way. I found him hiding in the loft he was staying in with dirt clothes, empty bottles and blood bags all over the floor. He wouldn't risk going outside or seeing Jeremy in case he lost himself in the blood lust. Caroline had been giving him blood bags but he did not let her teach him control, said he was too strong and too dangerous. I had no idea how he could stand staying in that place for so long but I wouldn't let him stay like that. He did not have a daylight ring so I convinced him to go out with me at night and I taught him control.

When Ric was comfortable being around humans again Stefan and I found a new witch. We paid her to make a daylight ring for him and when she was done, I asked her never really expecting an answer.

"Before the other side, supernatural beings went to the same places all other creatures went to after death; they either found peace or they did not." Then she put her hand on my cheek and looked me in the eyes. "No one, not even a witch can change the rules of what is beyond this world."

That was it. She could have shoved her hand inside my chest and pulled out my heart and it wouldn't have hurt as much as those words. There was no hope. There was nothing left. I could not hold on anymore. I had nothing left to hold on to. I walked out of the witch's shop and made it all the way to my car before I let myself go. My carefully constructed wall crumbled and I did not hold back my tears. That was the first time I cried since that horrible night where I lost the love of my life… where I lost Damon.

I cried the whole night and when the sun came up I was ready to leave this world forever and maybe I would be lucky enough to join him in the great beyond. I was standing near my car on an empty road. There was nothing around me but grass and trees and the asphalt under my boots. The nearest house was a couple of miles away. I looked up at the slowly rising sun letting my left hand feel the smooth surface of the lapis lazuli stone in my ring. Then I started to pull the ring off my finger, first past the first joint, then past the second joint. I was choosing this. I wanted to die and leave this world behind. I wanted to find peace. I was also choosing to leave Jeremy behind. He had no one else left but me and Ric. Ric had already lost so many people including his best friend. Caroline lost her father and our best friend. Stefan lost his brother… I couldn't do this to them. I could not be selfish and choose my own peace knowing how much I was going to hurt them. I slid my ring back to its place on my finger and a lonely tear dropped on the blue stone leaving my tear ducts dry.

Here I am now, my ring still on my finger. I am sitting on my desk near the window in the little apartment I'm sharing with Caroline. I am finally writing all of this down. It needs to be put down on paper for me not to disappear completely.

Jeremy is doing fine. He's in college now. Ric is in complete control of his blood lust. He is in fact so good that he decided to go back to teaching but of course not in Mystic Falls because the spell is still up and none of us can go there. It's a good thing for the humans though because finally there are no unexplained animal attacks, mass suicide in the town's square or sudden gas leaks. Matt is certainly happy for the improvement. He is a deputy now and the sheriff's right hand. I haven't seen Stefan in a while but Caroline tells me he's doing better. They are spending a lot of time together and I'm only happy that Stefan has someone there for him.

I am working as a sales assistant in a nearby store. It's nothing much but it pays the rent and I don't want to rely too much on compulsion to get the things I need.

I look outside the window. The moon is full and the sky is clear. It's a beautiful night in the middle of October. The apartment is quiet although I can still hear the sounds of the neighbors and the cars outside which is fine because too much silence is too lonely. My thoughts wander and I get one of those moments where I have to say things out loud just to know I'm still here.

"I miss you so much." I say into the night and I close my eyes and take a breath reminding myself that I am not completely dead.

"I know, baby." I smile as I imagine his velvet voice answering me though he's never called me that before.

"I can't live without you." I say keeping my eyes closed.

"Yes you can and you will for Jeremy." He tells me and I can almost feel his hand tucking my hair behind my ear.

"But I need you." I say my voice breaking.

"And I'm here for you." He says but that only makes my chest burn and my head spin with anger.

"No you're not. You found peace and I'm here living in my own version of hell." I shout but it's ridiculous that I'm sitting here arguing with myself so I open my eyes.

He's there right in front of me complete with black hair, leather jacket and those magnificent blue eyes.

"You're here." I say completely out of breath.

"I told you." He says and smiles knowingly.

I can't believe my eyes but I don't say anything because if this is a dream then I never want to wake up. I keep staring at him even though I know that no matter how much I keep staring I would miss him again the second he leaves and I'm convinced that he isn't here to stay.

He stares back for a while but then he walks around the desk reaching out for my hand. I put my hand in his and walk with him to the middle of the room. Then he pulls me into his chest and starts swaying to a soundless tune. I can't believe that I am in his arms. I can feel his hand on the small of my back and his other one holding mine to his chest. We stay like that for what is never going to be enough but we don't speak. Words can't disturb this moment but then I ask him.

"How are you here right now?"

"I've been here the whole time but you never let me in before tonight." He says.

"I love you." I say because what else can I say? I want him to stay but I know that he can't. I want to know if this is real but I can't ask in case it isn't. I want to scold him for leaving me but I know it isn't his fault.

"And I love you." He says then he pulls my head close and kisses me softly on the lips.

When I open my eyes, I find myself still sitting in my chair with my head perched on my folded arms on top of the desk. It takes a moment for me to realize that my phone is ringing. It's Jeremy calling at 3 a.m. in the morning.

"Hey Jeremy."

"Elena, I talked to Bonnie. They're together trapped somewhere on the edge of our world… We can bring them back!"

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