A/N: This is my first South Park fanfic, and I apologize beforehand if it sucks... I've been the biggest South Park fan ever since it first debuted, and I know somewhere down the line, I started thinking what a cute couple Stan and Kyle made. XD though any couple would be cute! If you don't like the pairing, I just kindly ask you not to bother reading this. I already know Stan/Kyle classifies as the 'popular in a sometimes annoying way' slash pairing of the fandom to many, but I will let you know I am not at all one of those 'Anything else sucks!' people. I personally love practically all pairings for all fandoms! (I believe you can make almost anything work in some way, even if it's just for fun ;) The idea for this fic just kinda hit me during one of my most tiring classes while one of my college professors was giving a really boring speech. Random, I know... I think the speech was about locusts in Ethiopia, in which I then thought of Starvin Marvin randomly.
The fic is set when they're in 9th grade. I've also just recently gotten into the SP fandom world, and will admit to only having read around five or six fics thus far because of it and time-lacking due to school... though I plan on reading more fics, of course, so if anything in this fic has been done a lot, I apologize for that, too, because I haven't read enough fics. The same thing happened to me in Gravitation in September... I wrote a fic for it, and then realized practically the entire fic had been done...
Please please, I kindly ask for no flames, because I am a wimp for them. -.-; And sorry if this chapter is already too long, or if there are any typos...
Disclaimer: I do not own South Park, or any of its characters. Just the crap fic.
Cause and Effect
Chapter 1: Premeditation
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"Eric, I think you really need to clean your room, hun."
"Shut-up, mom! And get me some Cheesy Poofs!"
Liane could only sigh in response. "Yes, dear."
"Yeah, Cheesy Poofs..." Cartman encouraged, thus continuing to watch 'Terrence and Phillip' while eating some chocolate fudge brownies. Even though he was now in Jr. High, his personality was pretty much a mirror image of what it had been years before. Only now, he actually knew the definitions of the names he called people a larger percentage of the time.
"Eric, one of your little friends is on the phone for you," Mrs. Cartman stated as she re-entered the living-room.
"I'm not here!" Cartman retorted in a loud exclamation.
His mom again sighed, once again holding the portable phone to her left-ear. "Eric wanted me to tell you he's not here."
"Mom!"
Liane looked back at her son. "He says he heard you, fatass."
"...Eh! Give me goddamn phone! And I still want my Cheesy Poofs, damnit!"
"Okay, calm down, sweetie," Liane remarked as she handed Cartman the phone.
Cartman took the phone in hand. "Who the hell is this?"
"It's Stan, fatass."
"Shut-up, gaywad. What do you want? I'm trying to watch Terrence & Phillip!"
"I just wanted to remind you that you better have your share of the big Chemistry assignment done tomorrow," Stan reminded in a demanding voice. "If you think I'm going to do all of the work for you, you've got another thing coming."
Cartman grumbled.
Stan soon did the same. "I just talked to Kyle on the phone, and he and Kenny are already finished."
"Yeah, that's cause' Kyle's a Jew and it's like a sin for him not to do his homework early."
"No, it's because Kyle and Kenny aren't paired with a stupid fat retard who refuses to do his share of the work!" Stan argued, sounding quite angered.
"That's nice, Stan," Cartman replied, stuffing a handful of freshly-opened Cheesy Poofs in his mouth. "Just be sure to finish the assignment on time, and to make it look really good and stuff. If I get a bad grade because of you, I'll have to kick you in the nuts."
Stan growled at this. "If anyone gets a bad grade, it's going to be YOU, Cartman! Either you have your half of the assignment done by tomorrow, or I'll make sure you get a zero. And don't forget; you're already flunking chemistry as it is. Fail this project, and you've got summer school, fatso!"
Stan hung up the phone before Cartman could shout some threat back. "Son of a bitch!" Cartman yelled out. "Mom, get me my backpack!"
"But it's only one yard away from you, Eric," Liane stated in response.
"But moooommmm, I wan my backpack it's too far away get it for me moooommm!"
"Alright, alright," Cartman's mom answered. She soon ambled over to the side of the large sofa, before grasping Eric's backpack and handing it to him thereafter. Cartman cursed in the process of retrieving his notebook from the backpack's confines. "Let's see here... If Stan, Kyle, and Kenny understand all this crap, then I sure will because I'm a million times smarter than those guys. Hmm... H2SO4... acids and bases... Periodic Table of Elements... combining them with proper molecule potentials and analyzing the potential of counting in moles... Moles? What the hell do moles have to do with Chemistry?! And what the hell's this gay chart? Awe fuck this! Stan's going to PAY!"
Just then, the doorbell rang.
"Mom, get the door!" Cartman yelled. The doorbell rang several more times in a row, causing Eric to become even more agitated. "Mom, get the damn door!!!"
Still, it continued to ring.
"Goddamnit," Cartman grumbled in mounting agitation as he finally rose from the couch to answer the front-door for himself. He stomped over to the door, and roughly jerked it open. "Whaddaya want?!"
"Hello Eric Cartman. I am in the area asking a few questions."
"Officer Barbrady?" Cartman inquired.
"Yes. There has been a murder in the area and it is my duty to ask questions," the policeman assured while stepping inside.
Cartman gave an odd look at the weird machine Barbrady was pulling into the living-room behind him. "What's that thing?"
"Oh, it's a... oh yeah, a lie-detector."
"Sweet," Cartman replied, randomly poking at the machine.
"Now don't touch it. This is top-secret adult stuff," the officer attempted to boast. "Yeah, that's right."
"Hello officer," Mrs. Cartman greeted upon her entrance into the room. "Did you come here for some more of my special donuts?" she winked.
"Oh brother..." Cartman sighed while slapping his forehead.
"Oh is that what I'm here for?" Officer Barbrady questioned in pondering.
"Right this way, officer," Liane chuckled smartly as she led the policeman into the neighbouring room across the hall.
Eric rolled his eyes a second time around as his mother and Officer Barbrady disappeared from sight. Still... a smile crept its way to his face when he took a second glance at the lie-detector Barbrady had previously left in the living-room. No sooner later, Cartman had already begun forming one of those devious plots of his...
A little over an hour later, Officer Barbrady finally exited Liane's bedroom. "Thanks for the donuts Mrs. Cartman."
Eric was sitting on the couch, once again eating Cheesy Poofs and double-stuffed cookies when the officer ambled in.
"Why, what's the matter officer?" inquired Cartman when he noted the man's wondering stare.
"I could have sworn I brought something here..."
"Why yes you did, my fine officer," Cartman guaranteed upon rising from the couch. He walked over to its left arm, and pulled something into view. "This little red wagon."
The police officer just stood for a few seconds. "Oh that's right. How could I forget?"
Barbrady took the toy wagon's handle, before opening the front door as he exited.
Cartman grinned derisively when the door shut... "Heheheh... You will pay, Stan Marsh."
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"Hey, where's fatass?" Kyle questioned as Stan arrived at the lunch table he and Kenny were currently seated at. It was Monday morning, and the cafeteria was where everyone was forced to wait before admission to the hallways was granted.
Stan slammed his belongings down on the table's top surface before taking a seat next to Kyle. "He's probably trying to find a way to pay someone into doing his share of our project."
"But didn't you two ever meet up over the weekend to get it done?" came Kenny's muffled inquiry.
"No," Stan began, "He refused to answer the phone most of the weekend, or just kept telling me he was busy."
"So what are you going to do?" asked Kyle when hearing this, "If you only have your half the assignment, you'll still both fail?"
Stan shook his head. "I figured this, so I finished the entire thing yesterday. And guess what? I'm going to make sure Cartman gets a goddamn zero and goes to summer school. He'll finally get what's been coming to him for never doing his work in class. Hell, the only time he pays attention in this building period is during lunch when he selects his food!"
"Well good for you then, Stan," Kyle nodded with assurance. "Too bad you were unlucky enough to get assigned Cartman as your partner in the first place. It's like, the minute the teachers say who Cartman's partner or group is for any assignment, you automatically hear an 'awe fuck' or a few 'damnits' from those assigned to work with him. That tells you something, dude."
"Yeah, that Cartman's a lazy dumbass," Stan added on.
"Well hey there guys, how's it going?" none other than Eric Cartman himself asked upon reaching the lunch table where his three friends were seated.
"You're going to fail, retard, that's how it's going," Stan snapped out.
"These damn rats always following me!" Kenny suddenly cursed after a few rats jumped out of his backpack; just as the orange-coated boy was opening it.
"That's because you are poor, Kenny," Cartman stated to this. "Rats like worthless poor people like you."
"Fuck you!" Kenny reproached.
"Anyway, you're going down this time, Cartman," Stan made noticed in a smart-alecky manner. "And then your meaningless fat ass will be glued to an enlarged chair made especially for it for three months, while you think of me every day and how you could have avoided the whole occurrence by just doing your work."
"That's nice, that's nice," Cartman sighed off-handedly, "Anyway, I have something to show you guys at lunch. Meet me in gym A under the bleachers. If you're man enough, that is."
"What the hell is this about?" Kyle quizzically asked, "Don't think you can just lock me in a janitor's closet and steal my homework. I only fell for that once!"
"Dude, you actually fell for that?" Stan inquired at this, before Kenny started laughing.
"Yeah, well that's Jews for you, always trusting and tree-hugging and stuff, or whatever it is you Jews do. Just like those goddamn hippies," Cartman spat in disgust. "Anyway, you guys meet me under the bleachers like I said. I got something to show you guys... Again, if you're man enough. Only if you're man enough."
"Don't you think we'd find it at least a tad suspicious that lunch is right before Chemistry class?" Stan smirked.
"Hey there, bloke," Pip stated as he appeared behind Cartmen. "I remember you said you had something jolly-good to show all the guys who were man enough under the bleachers at lunch. Righto, I'll be there." He then walked away.
"Ah shit..." Stan muttered, "I guess I have to consider this, because Pip's not a real man, and if he goes to see whatever this supposedly-cool surprise is and I don't, that'll hurt my reputation as that totally cool popular-jock person everyone hates, loves, and fears at the same time."
"That's right, Marsh," Cartman said in a 'tsk tsk' voice. "Well, see you at lunch, then." He then fake-coughed a couple of times, squeezing 'if you're a real man' in between the repetitive coughs a few times in the process of walking away. Soon after, the bell rang to go to first period.
"So what do think this 'surprise' could be?" Kyle asked.
"Hopefully something I can kill rats with," Kenny complained as he squashed a rat with his Algebra book. The book was so insanely big, that it did the job just fine.
"Well let's get to class, then," Stan again sighed. "No matter what, I just know I can look forward to seeing the look on Cartman's fat face when he receives that zero in Chemistry. Dude, he still thinks measurement-moles are animals with poor eyesight!"
"What-a-dumbass," Kyle too sighed.
"Well see you guys at lunch," Kenny stated upon re-gathering his things. He was heading off to his Algebra class, while Stan and Kyle both proceeded to World History.
"Later Kenny," both Stan and Kyle answered.
"Dude, I can't wait for this week's assignment in history today," Stan stated as he and Kyle walked side-by-side down one of the assorted hallways.
"But Stan, you DO know this is the assignment that's literally going to ruin our lives for the entire week? It's HUGE."
"I know," responded Stan, "But it's a partnering assignment, where we get to actually choose our partners rather than be paired with dumbasses who won't do their work."
"Point," Kyle stated with a smile. Spending a long week with Stan - no problem there. Of course - they'd have to be partners.
Stan elicited an exhale. "Ah, yes... A long week in Wendy's company."
"...You mean you and I aren't going to be partners?" Kyle replied in a harsher voice than he'd meant to use.
"What are you talking about, Kyle?" inquired Stan as they entered the classroom. "She finally broke up with that asshole she's been dating for the past two years. I never had a chance to ask her to go out with me during that time because of him, and before that, I was always too nervous around her. But now, I'm older, non-nervous, and Wendy's back on the single's list, so I'm going in for it!"
Funny the way I always see her fooling around with half the guys in the school... "Oh... Okay, then..." Kyle answered rather unenthusiastically as he sat down at the desk next to Stan's.
Stan's browns furrowed. "What's the problem?"
Kyle shrugged to a degree. "Well, you know... it's just whenever Wendy's around, you always ignore me, and it's like I'm always second on your list of people to hang out with..."
"Dude, that's how it's supposed to be. You're best-friends with people, and then you lose touch with them once you engage in a serious relationship, and then I'll call you and bug you with my suspicions of Wendy cheating on me and other whiney boyfriend/girlfriend crap like that, because that's just how it is, man."
"Sure..." Kyle again sighed with a classic eye-roll.
"But don't worry, Kyle," Stan smiled, "You'll always be my best-friend, so I'd never forget you. Oh, and by the way, I need you to move your ass from sitting next to me, because I want Wendy to sit here."
"But I always sit here?" Kyle retorted.
"I know, but I want Wendy to be my partner, so she needs to sit next to me so I can be first to ask her."
"Whatever," Kyle grumbled under his breath.
"I heard what you said." Came a giggling voice.
Both Stan and Kyle turned around to see Wendy and Bebe standing before them.
"Of course I'll be your partner, Stan," Wendy smiled, before then looking down at Kyle following. "Kyle... could you please hurry up and move already so I can sit with Stan?"
Kyle again grumbled; gathering his things in hand as he hastily stood to move to the next row back.
"And I can be your partner, Kyle," Bebe assured with a smart grin. "Don't think I ever forgot what a great ass you have..."
"Fine," Kyle grunted.
Just then, the tardy bell rang and everyone got out their history books in order to begin class.
Kyle soon turned to briefly face Bebe, who winked at him, before he once again redirected his glance forwards to see Stan's quixotic gaze locked on Wendy - eyelids lowered.
"Oh brother," sighed Kyle. Now he was stuck with Bebe for an entire week, who would probably find SOME way to stare at his ass even when he was sitting down. Oh well... At least unlike Cartman, she would do her work. That was the important thing.
Kyle was just about to speak, when the morning announcements came on first.
"Good morning, students. Now, if you will all stand for the pledge."
Everyone emitted some sound of annoyance right off the bat at this. The whole while the announcer spoke the pledge, everyone just kind of stood there mumbling incoherent words, other than Pip, who actually said the whole thing out loud. Shortly thereafter, everyone once again took their seats.
"Oh, and we also have a special announcement from one of our students Eric Cartman," the announcer continued.
"What?" at least half the class inquired at this, though Stan and Kyle the loudest.
"It's a special announcement for the ninth-grade boys. Meet Eric Cartmen under the gym-A bleachers at lunch if you're a real man. If you're not a real man, you will opt not to go and can bet on being ridiculed for the rest of the year for being a stupid pussy."
"What the hell?" Stan asked aloud. "This is weak!"
As the announcements closed, the history teacher then began handing out papers. Stan's eyes widened once he got a first glance at the purple sheet of paper. Again, it was a notice from Cartman pertaining to the 'real man' meeting at lunch. "How the hell did fatass pull this off in less than fifteen minutes? Oh well, I'll be at that stupid meeting, damnit!"