Until You Can't Let Go

by Kate04

"Then love knew it was called love.
And when I lifted my eyes to your name,
suddenly your heart showed me my way"
― Pablo Neruda

A/N: I have taken some liberties with Sharon's past in this story, so despite sticking as closely to canon as possible, it might be considered slightly AU. It also gets a warning for dealing with emotional abuse. I tried not to be too explicit with that, but you get the warning anyway.

This is for Kadi219 and lontanissima for more reasons than I can count!

A hug and 'thank you' goes to RockinRobin B once again for her beta services!

The idea for this story came to me while listening to Stacey K. Black's song "The Castle" from her album "Guarding the Castle", which btw is absolutely amazing and you really should check it out.

Disclaimer: Not my sandbox, not my toys. Sadly, I don't get paid for playing with them.

Time: Shortly before the beginning of Season 3

To say he was not nervous would have been a lie. Spending time alone with Sharon outside of work always made his stomach flutter in anticipation, but this time it was worse than usual. It was Saturday and he had gotten two cinema tickets from Nicole, because she and Dean could not go. His daughter had suggested that he take Sharon, but asking her had taken quite a bit of courage.

They had never done more than grab a bite to eat after a long day at work. Sometimes they would take a walk afterwards if dinner had not been enough for them to wind down. They were good friends, they talked, they laughed, they listened to the other's fears and worries, and provided an honest sounding board to one another.

Meeting up on their day off for dinner and a movie felt decidedly more like a date than their other outings. He knew that that was not the case, since Sharon was still very much married. She had made sure he knew where she stood on that early on and he had never questioned it.

He was not blind, though. He realized that he was beginning to feel more for her than simply friendship. That was probably the reason for his nervousness. Since Sharon had not hesitated longer than it took for her to check her calendar before agreeing, he supposed that it was all in his head.

Taking a deep breath, Andy let go of his anxiety as he knocked on her door. When it opened, he expected to see Sharon, dressed casually and ready to go, and he was only partially successful in hiding his surprise when he was greeted by Rusty.

"Hey kid." Rusty returned the greeting as he stepped aside and gestured for the Lieutenant to enter. "I thought Sharon said something about a tech rehearsal you had to go to tonight. Or did I get the days mixed up?" Andy asked, still a little confused to see the boy instead of his guardian. As he studied him more closely, Andy noticed how uncomfortable he seemed. When Rusty just stared at his feet and tugged at his shirt sleeves, the older man frowned, his voice low with concern.

"You okay, kid?" Rusty looked up, staring at him wide-eyed as though he was surprised he was still there before he nodded. "Yeah. It's not… I mean, yeah. I should probably leave, but I don't know. Maybe I shouldn't go." He looked helpless and uncertain, as if something was tearing him apart.

"Is something wrong? Did something happen at school?" Andy prodded, trying to get to the bottom of the problem. The boy shook his head, clearly frustrated and Andy thought that if it had been anything like that, Sharon surely would have dealt with it already. That raised the question of her whereabouts, but before he could ask about that, Rusty spoke again.

"There's nothing wrong with school or anything. It's Sharon." He hesitated for a second, chewing on his bottom lip and looking as if he was debating whether or not to reveal this particular bit of information before he went on. "Jack was here earlier. You pretty much just missed him. Sharon sent me to my room when he showed up, but I saw that he was drunk and, I mean, it's not like the condo is like, huge or anything. I could still hear most of what they said, mostly because he was yelling at her. Jack was a complete asshole and when he finally left, Sharon went to her room. She always does that when she's upset and doesn't want me to know. So now I don't really want to leave her alone before I know she's gonna be okay, but I know she'll be upset with me if I miss that stupid school thing."

For a short moment Andy was overwhelmed by his emotions, could feel his blood pressure rising with the need to find Jack Raydor and punch him in the face, but with a few deep breaths he got that impulse under control. It was not his place to sweep in and avenge Sharon as if she were some kind of helpless maiden. It would certainly not be appreciated. Besides, he had no idea what really happened, beyond what Rusty had told him.

Jack falling off the wagon would have been enough to hurt Sharon, because despite everything that had happened between them, she still wanted him to have a relationship with his children. And if the kid said he was an asshole, that could mean any number of things. Andy had no doubt that the couple had had words, and he knew from experience that fights between spouses usually were not very pleasant. Andy tried to think back to the days when he and Jack had gotten drunk together and he remembered the other man as the loud kind of drunk, always at the centre of attention, always one to laugh and quick with a joke. He had been fun to be around.

The previous summer, he had seen Jack in a slightly different light. The jokes had seemed a little forced and out of place and what he used to think of as easy charm had come across as artificial. Even when Sharon and Jack had come to blows over their case, he had not been overly hurtful. And yet, Rusty's agitation concerned him and made him wonder what might have changed.

Andy pondered briefly if what he intended to do would be appropriate, given that they were merely friends, but he pushed his doubts aside. They were friends, and friends took care of one another when they were hurting.

Giving Rusty's shoulder a brief, reassuring squeeze, he tried to give the impression of knowing what he was doing when he spoke. "You're right, she's not going to like it if you stay in because of her. You took on a responsibility with that play and you shouldn't walk out on it. It's fine, Rusty. I'll make sure Sharon will be all right and you go and make sure they have light on that stage."

He knew how proud the kid had been that the drama teacher at his school had allowed him to be in charge of the technical aspects of this year's annual drama club production. It involved a lot of complicated and expensive equipment and it still surprised Rusty sometimes that people would trust him with such valuable things, considering his past.

When he still looked torn between his desire to leave and his concern for Sharon, Andy tried to give him something that would make him feel useful. "Okay, let's do this. You go to school and do your thing and on your way home you'll stop by that all-night café around the corner that Sharon likes so much. Then you can tell her all about your night over some chocolate fudge ice cream. I'll keep her company until you're back, and if anything should come up in the meantime, I promise to text you. Deal?"

Rusty knew what the Lieutenant was trying to do and he almost called him on it, but he was right. Sharon would hate it if he let his fellow students down and she probably would not talk to him anyway. Flynn stood a much better chance at getting her to open up, if anyone could do it at all. With a reluctant nod, he grabbed his backpack that he had dumped next to the small hallway table. "Okay, but you have to promise not to leave her alone until she feels better. Unless she tosses you out, I guess." He had not thought of that. Sharon could not make him leave, because he lived there. Flynn was a different story, however, and he could not expect him to stick around when she insisted he leave.

Andy grinned at the kid. He saw the doubt cross his face and figured that he was imagining the same scene he did. What Rusty might not be aware of was the fact that, although Sharon was one of the most stubborn people either of them knew, he might be the one person who more than matched her in that department. "Don't worry about it, kid. She won't throw me out. She's too polite for that." With a wink, another promise to contact him if he should be needed, and well wishes for the rehearsal, he gave the boy a gentle push towards the door and waited till he had closed it behind him before he let his confident mask slip a little.

It took him a moment to figure out what to do next. His first impulse was to knock on her door and try to get her to talk to him, but he discarded that idea as quickly as it had come. She hated it when people saw her without her emotional control firmly in place and even if he thought that catching her a little off-balance might help making her open up, she would not appreciate it. She would be much more inclined to ask him to leave and that was something he did not want to risk.

In the end, he decided to make some tea and wait. She would come out eventually, if only to check if Rusty had made it out of the door on time. When she did, what happened next would be up to her. He would be more than happy to listen if she wanted to talk about what happened, he would provide a shoulder to cry on in the very unlikely event she needed it, or he would simply be the goofy friend who would come up with something to distract her and make her laugh. Until then, all he could do was be patient. As hard as that might be for him, he would do it for his friend.

It was almost twenty minutes later that the sound of a door opening and closing startled him out of his thoughts. Looking up from where he sat in one of her armchairs, a cup of tea in his hands, he saw her padding into the living room. She was headed towards the kitchen, but when her eyes landed on him, she froze.

"Andy, what… Oh my god, I completely forgot about… I'm so sorry." She pinched the bridge of her nose, her eyes closed as she drew several deep breaths in an attempt to collect herself.

He could not remember ever having seen her that flustered before. Rising from his seat, he closed the distance between them and placed a gentle hand on her upper arm, waiting for her to look at him. Her eyes stunned him into silence momentarily. He had always admired the different shades of green that came with different moods or a change in lighting, but he had never seen them like that. They were red-rimmed from crying and shining with the tears that still lingered close to the surface. The bright green of her irises was that of a deep, cold mountain lake, sprinkled with gold and brown, like fall leaves floating on the water.

Andy loved that her face was so beautifully expressive. Sharon Raydor might not be an overly emotional person, at least not on the outside, but to the people who knew her she was like an open book. In that moment, he could see it all right there in front of him. There was pain and embarrassment, a hint of anger and a lot of sadness. What truly startled him, however, was the fear he saw lingering in the background, making her tense when he touched her. He studied her even more closely, trying to detect any sign that Jack had hurt her with more than words. Since the other man seemed to have walked out on his own two feet, Andy was pretty sure that he had not laid a hand on her.

He let his fingers slide along her arm to clasp her hand, gently drawing her over to the couch. He poured her a cup of tea and sat down next to her, watching as she clasped the cup between both hands and took a sip of the hot, calming fluid.

"I'm sorry about the movie. I should have called you to cancel." She sounded more like herself, her voice stronger, but she would not look at him.

"It's okay, Sharon. Don't worry about it." He paused for a moment, long enough to take a sip of his own tea, before he went on to explain his presence.

"I ran into Rusty on his way out. He let me in." She nodded absentmindedly, staring into her cup, her brow furrowed as she no doubt tried to figure out a polite way to ask him why he had been sitting in her living room since then.

"He told me about Jack and he was a little worried about you. Worried enough that he was thinking about skipping his rehearsal. I promised him to make sure you're all right."

"Andy, I don't need a keeper. I'm perfectly okay on my own." She sounded only mildly put out by their scheming and it gave him hope that he might be able to get her to talk to him.

"Of course you don't need a keeper. But maybe you could use a friend." When he saw her get ready to protest, he went on without giving her a chance to voice her objections.

"Listen, you've been there for me a lot with my family. How many times have you listened to me complain about my ex-wife? Don't you think it's only fair if I get to help you out, too? Even if it's nothing more than lending you an understanding ear."

She shook her head, shifting slightly to the side, away from him and the soft touch of his hand. It was too much. There was this man who cared for her, who wanted to be her friend, but she could not let him. Sharon was not completely oblivious. She knew that Andy felt more for her than mere friendship. The way he often looked at her when he felt unobserved spoke volumes. There was a tenderness in his eyes and smile, a warmth in his voice when he addressed her, that carried so many promises, so much hope. It scared her.

For a while, she had thought that she could handle it, that she had finally left her past far enough behind to move on. She had hoped that they would get a chance to explore what was developing between them, that thing that was more than friendship, that was warmth, and comfort, and longing, and safety. Jack's presence had reopened all those old wounds, had reminded her of all the reasons why she had kept her heart to herself all these years.

Jack had always been able to get inside her head, to manipulate her. She had gotten smarter about it over the years, had gotten better at limiting the damage his words could do to her. A large part of the power he held over her was the fact that, despite everything he had put her through, there would always be a piece of her heart that belonged to him. Somewhere inside of her there was that young, naïve East Coast girl who had given up everything to be with the man she loved beyond reason. He had broken her heart more times than she could count, had almost broken her spirit once, but in some strange, masochistic way, she still loved him.

Maybe it was the fact that she had begun to open her heart to the affection she felt for Andy that had made her more receptive of his manipulations this time. She had not let him get to her the previous summer, even though there had been a tiny sparkle of hope when she had seen him sober and looking for work. Jack was a different man when the addictions did not have a hold of him. During those rare times it was easier to spot the man she had fallen in love with.

His sobriety was a thing of the past, however. He was back to drinking and being the same man who had once had the power to destroy her soul. She could not let that happen again, and the fact that he had managed to plant the seed of self-doubt inside her head once more was frightening. She could not go down that road ever again. If that meant cutting herself off from one of her closest friends, she would do that.

She was afraid to risk her heart like that, to give another person the key to that place she had guarded so carefully all these years. The thought of allowing Andy access made her breath catch in her throat and her pulse speed up with the rising tide of panic. She simply could not do it.

It would be so very easy to give in to the pull she felt towards him, to surrender to their mutual attraction. She knew that, if she allowed it, she could easily fall in love with this kind, generous man. However, she was terrified of what loving him would turn her into.

Professionally, she had always been strong and confident, sure of her abilities and comfortable in her skin, despite the disapproval and open hostility she had so often encountered. It was away from the job that she had issues with her self-esteem, where she tended to doubt, and question, and criticize. It was in her private life that a few thoughtless words from someone she trusted had the power to send her spinning into that dark, lonely place she had spent years working her way out of. She had sworn to herself almost two decades ago that she would never put herself in a position where she might end up in that place again. As much as she trusted Andy, she simply could not take the risk. After all, there had been a time when she had trusted Jack, too.

Sharon studied the aromatic steam that rose from her cup, curling upwards until it got lost among the surrounding air. Her eyes stayed focused on it when she finally spoke. "Andy, I don't think this is such a good idea. We shouldn't spend so much time together outside of work."

When she glanced up at him, she saw a brief flash of hurt cross his face before it made way for stubborn determination. He shook his head, his eyes narrowing slightly.

"No. You're not doing this again, Sharon. I don't know what happened, but we gave up on our friendship once and I'm not going to let that happen again. You'll have to fight me on this."

She had no trouble believing that. He would fight her and they would both end up hurt like they had before, when all she wanted was to protect him.

"Andy, please. I can't give you what you are searching for and don't pretend it's not more than friendship. I see the way you're looking at me. I haven't forgotten. I could never forget, but I can't be that woman for you. I'm sorry."

She wanted to cry. She wanted to be alone with her aching heart and the guilt over once again hurting Andy's feelings, but he did not let her. Instead of leaving, he reached out and took her hand between his, gently caressing the back with his thumb.

"I know you don't want me that way. You've been open about that from the beginning and I accept that. You're right, I do care a great deal about you, but what is most important is the fact that you're my friend. I don't expect anything else from you and I never will. You're a married woman and I'm not going to challenge that. I did it once and lost you. I can't do that again. Please trust me, Sharon. You don't have to do everything alone."

She tried to pull her hand out of his, but he did not let go, his thumb keeping up its soothing motion until she relaxed slightly. He painted such a beautiful picture of trust, and friendship, and care. It was hard to resist, but fear for her emotional stability made her try.

"It's not that simple. There are things that you don't know, things that you can't understand."

Sharon wished he would back off and let it go, that he would not look at her as if he tried to see through all the walls she had put up between them. She wished her heart were not at war with itself, making it easier for her to push him away. A part of her wished that he would get angry, that he would yell at her, giving her a solid, logical reason to be afraid. Instead, he was patient and understanding and too stubborn to walk away.

"Then help me understand. Tell me what I don't know. Maybe we can find a solution together. We're a pretty good team, after all," he suggested, his voice soft.

Her first impulse was to hide, to tell him that it was none of his business, and she ran with it. Never before had she talked about that part of her past with anyone outside her family and her therapist. There was no way she would share the darkest moments of her life with a subordinate, no matter how much time they spent with each other outside work.

"I can't, Andy. I am sorry. Just let it go, okay. Please." This time she succeeded in extracting her hand from his grip, and she rose from the couch to put some distance between them. As she stood in front of the large window, she heard his frustrated sigh behind her, was able to see him reflected in the glass, bending over to rest his elbows on his knees and rubbing his hands over his face. Hurting him had never been her intention and yet she kept doing it. Maybe Jack had been right all along. She was incapable of feeling anything and destined to ruin every relationship she got into. Despite the pain it caused her to imagine her life without the solid friendship she had come to depend upon, it would be for the best.

"I think you should leave," she stated, the tremor in her voice barely noticeable. She was not prepared for his reaction, had expected him to respect her wish, but it seemed as if his calm demeanour merely had been a front. Underneath, his legendary temper must already have brewed. She saw him jump up from his seat and stalk towards where she stood, his hand landing on her shoulder to spin her around to face him.

"Fine! If you think you have enough friends who are willing to put up with you, I'll go. I've been doing damn well without you all these years and I really don't know why I thought this would be worth all the trouble." He gestured between the two of them, his eyes almost black as he glared at her. His voice rose with every word and Sharon had to fight the impulse to take a step back from him. His words hurt, ripping a large hole into her heart, but she had wanted to put more distance between them. What he said next made her recoil, though, the pain almost a physical one.

"I guess Jack was right. You are cold-hearted, after all. Should've listened to him all those years ago." With a shake of his head, Andy turned around and started towards the door, ignoring her shocked gasp and the tears of agony that filled her eyes.

It took her a moment to react, but when the anger finally hit full force, she was unable to suppress it. Rushing after him, she grabbed his arm to stop him. When he turned to look at her, she placed both of her hands against his chest and pushed him away from her. Her tone was far from its usual low, calm pitch, closer to yelling than she normally allowed. At that moment, she was beyond caring, however.

"How dare you?" She paused, shaking her head as she struggled to express her emotions. "How dare you speak to me like this? You have absolutely no idea what you're talking about. What gives you the right to judge me when you don't know the first thing about what my life has been like? You can go to hell, Andy Flynn." She raised her hands to give him another shove, but he was faster this time, his grip firm and almost uncomfortable around her wrists. She struggled against his hold, her ire rising even more, but he refused to let her go. The desire to slap him was getting stronger with every passing second as the rage built inside her, making her stomach roll and her heart race.

"Let go of me, you bastard," she practically screamed at him, her eyes wide and dark with terror. Breathing was close to impossible as she felt the walls close in on her. She needed to get away from him. She needed space. There was not enough space, not enough air. Panic gripped her as she felt an all too familiar sense of helplessness and vulnerability. He was taking her to a place she had sworn she would never visit again, and it proved to her that they had gotten too close. She had let him sneak through her walls without realizing it.

"I can't do this again. I'm not going back there. Please don't make me go through this again." Tears ran down her cheeks, her struggle becoming weaker. She stared up at him, her eyes begging him to understand, to walk away, but he did not. He closed his eyes, giving air to his annoyance in a quiet grunt.

"You're right. I don't know what your life has been like. Maybe it's time you told me." Andy took a deep breath, loosening his grip around her wrists, sliding his hands up along her arms in a gentle caress. When he continued to speak, his voice had returned to the quiet rumble she loved.

"You can push as much as you want, but I won't leave you, Sharon. I'm not Jack. I'm not going anywhere."

Maybe it was the hypnotic way in which he stroked her upper arms, or his deep, confident voice, or his unwavering gaze that made the fight leave her body. She sagged against his chest, squeezing her eyes shut against the flood of tears that would not stop. She wanted nothing more than to believe him, to find comfort and safety in his warm embrace and in that moment, she had the overwhelming feeling that she could.

He held her for a long moment, gently swaying back and forth and giving her time to calm down. She felt the reassuring rhythm of his heart against her cheek and inhaled the familiar scent of his aftershave. With every breath she took, her panic receded a little more and the darkness that had threatened to overwhelm her retreated to the back of her mind once more.

The decision to trust him with this incredibly personal information was not a conscious one. Words she thought she did not have started to tumble over her lips, tentative at first, as if she were testing his reaction, but gaining confidence the longer she spoke.

Andy guided her back to the sofa and eased both of them down to settle against the soft cushions without letting go of her. Slowly, bit by painful bit, she revealed all the things she had spent decades trying to forget.

~TBC~