This is just a oneshot of something I had in mind and decided to write it out one night. I hope it gives you angst and feels because that was what I was going for.
The First Failure
He remembers hearing laughter. It was a quiet sort of laughter, that wasn't heard often. It started as a chuckle, and ended with a laugh that echoed in the room. He liked the laugh, a lot, actually. It was kind of hypnotizing and he wondered why it wasn't recognizable. But then, he knew.
It was Eren's laugh. He hadn't realized because he heard it very seldom. Recalling, he couldn't remember a time Eren had laughed before. How unfortunate, it was a good laugh.
He could hear the titter of voices that scattered around him. He could pinpoint their exact locations, but he knew they were around him. He was too disoriented; in fact, he couldn't even open his eyes to see his surroundings.
Slowly, as time passed, although, he wasn't sure how much time; he began to distinguish the voices. Petra. He heard her once; her kind, harmonic voice rang clear in his mind. Next, was Auruo. He could tell it was him since he was doing some blasphemous impression of him, like he so liked to do. He could hear Petra growing slightly annoyed, although she seemed less offended than usual.
He wasn't sure what they were saying, but that they there. Maybe, he could feel their presence. Probably, since he'd known them for so long. Time passed slowly, he was sure he was only trapped inside his shell of a body. He told himself it has only been a couple minutes, but he knew it has probably been more like days.
He felt trapped inside his own mind, lost in the darkness, but engulfed in the sound. It was a peculiar feeling, one he was so unaware of. He liked to know his surroundings. It would make him feel more comfortable. Instead, he waited.
He waited for time and time again, hoping to regain a sense. Some days, he thought he could smell something warm, like baked bread. Others, he was sure he smelt flowers weltering from sunlight. He couldn't tell if he was hot or cold. If he was awake or asleep. He just wasn't sure.
The darkness, it was sort of calming, as if it called to him, telling him to stay. He wouldn't, though. He would push away from it, trying to get away. He wanted to find the sliver of sane light.
He heard their voices scrabble, talking about things that he found frivolous. The small girl, Sasha, said something about finding the secret stash of oranges in the kitchen cupboard. The others said she must be joking. He, himself, thought it was an incredulous notion. If there were oranges, they would be eaten. Then, he would hear Hanji's over active voice, talking passionately about titans that she was brutally experimenting on.
Other times, he heard his squad talk to one another, mostly quietly. He could pick up on few words, the yelling of the children around him knocking their voices around. He wanted to yell for them to shut up but, alas, his mouth didn't work. What was his squad talking about without him there?
He was sure, he was bored. He didn't know what to do to keep his mind busy. The only thing keeping him sane was the chatter that was coming into the room every now and then. He told himself that their voices weren't so important, but they were. He was sure if it was quiet and dark he wouldn't be as he was now.
Sometime later, he heard the laugh he was hoping to hear again. There it was. Eren's laugh was like a blast through his mind. It echoed and it was almost as if it was supporting him. He listened to it, with warmth too. It was then; he decided to open his eyes.
It was bright, too bright. He had to force his eyes closed again. He couldn't believe how bright it was. He tried again, this time slower, allowing light to flood his eyes at their own speed. He felt a bit fuzzy on one side of his head but he ignored it. It was probably from his eyes being closed for so long.
It took time, the chatter went on, as he struggled, unaware of his awakening. He didn't need their awareness, though. He would much rather scold himself for falling asleep on the job. He couldn't believe he had fallen asleep. He hadn't got much sleep the night before, Eren's titan form was acting up and there was nothing he could do but keep watch.
His eyes were open now, everything blurry and out of place. He couldn't understand. Blinking a few times, it became clearer, but not by much. He twitched a finger; his cheek was feeling a bit itchy. Silence had engulfed the room.
Then, all at once, there was a crowd of people around him. They were all talking fast as he went face to face. A couple of unknown trainee's, other older, Scouting Legion members, his own squad, and Eren, watched with open eyes.
He let out a sigh and a Petra with tears in her eyes ran to his side, grabbing his hand, and giving it a squeeze. He didn't know why she was being like so, she knew how much he distastes hand holding. He was in a whirlwind of faces, and either side didn't know what to say to the other.
It started off very slowly, he remembers. They were saying hello as if they have never met him before when they obviously had. He couldn't find his voice to tell them he knew who they were. So, he just nodded with an uninterested expression.
Erd began to talk then, he was probably chosen since he was so straight forward. Petra added in little details. The rest stayed quiet, their eyes averted or cast down. Eren's eyes stayed on his the whole time, as if searching for an emotion.
He didn't have one. There was a lot that had happened. Erd told him he had been in an accident. He didn't understand by what he meant by accident. If there was an accident with a titan, he would be dead, not alive. Petra told him that in the last battle, a titan had swiped at him. His gear had locked, and he was thrown at a wall so fast, he didn't have time to react.
He couldn't believe it. He knew the nagging possibility that he would die someday. He wouldn't live long at all, if anything he would make it a couple more days than a couple more months. It wasn't a surprise. He was known as being the best at his gear, but it had frozen so quickly. Did he truly deserve that title after this?
They were around his bed, as if they thought he would have died, Erd tells him that he could have. He was in a coma for a few weeks. He couldn't believe the time that had passed while he was immersed in that darkness. It had seemed like a few hours, maybe a day at most, but certainly not almost a month.
He couldn't help but think about his responsibilities he has been missing, or who has been watching Eren? More than anything was someone keeping tab on the castle's cleanliness. He tried to sit up, so he could start barking orders. Hands rushed to his shoulders, holding him down.
He was angry at this, angry that they would touch him with their filthy hands. They had no right. He gave them all a glare, but the others acted as if they hadn't seen it. Erd had paused for a moment before telling him that there was more.
At this, the others were looking at him. The mixture of fear, pity, and defiance churned in their eyes. They were looking at him as if they were worried about him. He hated the look on their petty faces. He didn't need a bunch of children being worried about him.
He had told Erd, he was fine. He stayed his unemotional mask, so they wouldn't think anything was wrong. That's when Petra started to cry. Her wailing filled the room, the others look away, however Eren's eyes stayed on his. No expression at all, only watching. Petra's wailing drew worse and Hanji escorted her out of the room.
Erd looked at him with cold eyes, coming out with the words bluntly. Erd's words froze in his mind like no others before. You were paralyzed. At first, he had thought he had heard Erd wrong, he means that would be impossible. But the looks from the surrounding others, told him he had heard right.
It was then, he had lost his composure. If not completely, he tried to pretend he wasn't affected, but he was. He leaned back into the bed covers, his eyes closing shut. A small breath of air left his lips as his silent scream. No one said anything.
As if, testing the theory, he tried to move his right leg, a little to the left, or even a small twitch. Nothing happened. He tried again, over and over again, his motions were fruitless. Nothing came from them, only desperation.
It was when; he took his arm to shield his eyes, as if hiding from the sun that the people began to leave. It would have been more believable had there been a sun. He heard the shuffle of footsteps as the people left. He didn't cry, he didn't need to. He felt no tears for his situation, only pain.
The soldier worth a hundred men was now worth half of a man. He took down his hand and looked around. Everyone was gone, except for Eren, who sat in the corner in a chair, watching with his hands on his lap. A part of him wanted to scream at the brat to scram, but the other felt like he needed the company.
He decided to let him stay. He sat there for hours, his body cold, and his mind blank. He didn't feel like talking, or moving. Eren seemed to understand, as he just sat there. Eren sat there until it grew so late his sister had to fetch him to lock up, leaving him back into the darkness.
It had been a few days for him to recover from the news. It only grew worse. His left eye was gone. He hadn't noticed until he had asked from a mirror. It had shocked him at first, but he regained his composure just as quickly, simply saying it was a good look for him.
His body was bruised, battered. Broken bones scattered themselves in his skeletal system, in fact, that's how he was paralyzed. A couple of his vertebrae had dislodged, embedding themselves in different parts of his back. At one point, his nerves were severely severed, losing him the feeling of his legs.
It took him exactly a week to tell them he wanted a wheelchair. They got him one right away, and he was glad for it, although he wouldn't show his gratitude. Getting into it was challenging. He wasn't used to the lost feeling. It only reminded him of his worthlessness.
It took him exactly 2 weeks to master the use of the wheelchair. He was a fast learner, and soon he was able to guide himself across the floor of the castle without a problem. An eye patch now hung around his head and his arm was finally unwrapped from its cast.
Eren had helped him with anything he had asked, no complaints. He was sure Eren recognized, he didn't have the strength to beat him to a pulp in this state, but Eren didn't try to act superior to him. He was curious as to what Eren's alternative motives may be.
Weeks had passed, countless meetings with his squad, and various fights with higher ups had created a problem. In this state, he was useless to them. He couldn't fight, or lead, but most importantly, keep Eren in check. This started an armistice, although the war between the Scouting Legion and the Military Police was far from over.
He tried to make as much time as possible, hoping to find a resolution. If not permanent, something to keep the higher ups happy. Of course, there was nothing. He was the only one who could keep Eren together. He was entrusted and he had failed.
News of a new trial spread like wild fire. It was chaos. No one was sure quite what to do. With him in this state, the Scouting Legion had no chance of winning Eren again. He wouldn't make it out alive to see the last wall fall. The chance of him living was slim. It was obvious to everyone.
He could see the fear growing in Eren's eyes as the day of the trial got closer and closer. He wished he could comfort the boy, a small pat on the back at least, but he couldn't. Every time he found himself reaching out, he found himself pulling back. He felt only childish.
The day of the trial they rode into town. Various groups scattered the streets. Some were in support of Eren, others found him a threat. It was much like the first one, only completely different. This trial seemed more important than the original one.
The trial started off like the original as well. Both sides stated their intentions and their thoughts on him. The Scouting Legion fought diligently, speaking of their successes with Eren on their side. The Military Police brought up how unstable he was.
The hours past on, and this time he was staring at Eren the whole time. Eren was locked in the middle of the floor, so all eyes could land on him, but the only eye he was concerned about was his commanding officer's.
When they had first appeared in the city, countless of people went up to his paralyzed commander, replaying their sadness for him and such but he blew them off with a pitying look of his own. Eren knew what he was really feeling, even if wouldn't show it.
Eren's commander's disability was brought up, and it seemed as if the room had grown quieter. It was if it was a touchy subject. He couldn't bother with it, though.
By the end of the trial, he had known the outcome from the beginning. He had lost. His squad had lost. His whole team had lost this valuable asset to the Military Police. He couldn't believe after taking good care the kid lived, he would only die at the hands of the Police.
Everyone held their heads low, knowing the meaning of the outcome. Eren sat on his bench, alone; hand in his hands, as if he was trying not to let his tears drop to the floor. He looked up as he heard the sound of a wheelchair.
Eren called his name breathlessly, as if worried to speak it out loud. He wanted to respond. He didn't know where to begin, though. There was a lot to say in little time. But it all seemed too much. Trying to hold back his quick tongue, he pressed his head forward.
He apologized to the small headed child. He tried to remain gruff but a small frown had escaped his lips. Even so, Eren let show a bright smile. Even with wet, soaked cheeks, Eren had still managed to smile. Eren sat still at a statue, however. Finally he had looked up.
He thanked his commanding officer, for keeping him alive as long as he had. That, without him, he would have died a long time ago. Maybe, now, he had left something in his wake. He felt like he was something more than just a kid with an even bigger goal.
The Military Police came forward, plucking their prize. Eren walked slowly as he was pulled away. His sister, Mikasa, had to be held back by various soldiers. His friend, Armin, was on his knee's crying; knowing full well anything he said at this point wouldn't be taken into account.
He watched as Eren walked to the farthest door, to a room that not many talked about. Eren gave a fleeting glance over his shoulder, giving a small smile to his commanding officer, before the door was shut.
Of the whole rest of his life, if he was to say he ever had regret, it would not be the day of his accident. He didn't regret going on that mission. It was probably meant to be.
His only regret was not seeing Eren off.