I walk up the narrow path to the glass ceiling. I don't know if she'll follow me, I can only hope that she saw me and decides to follow me. As I get closer, I hear quiet footsteps behind me and I smile to myself. I walk to the far side of the glass room to stand in front of the fear landscape door with my back still facing her. I'm holding a black box in one hand and a syringe in the other. With my back still turned I say, "Since you're here you might as well go in with me." I hope she agrees. I want her to know the real me.
"Into your fear landscape?" She asks.
"Yes," I state simply.
She begins to walk toward me while asking "I can do that?" Always so curious.
I begin to explain, "The serum connects you to the program but the program determines whose landscape you go through. And right now, it's set to put us through mine."
"You would let me see that?" Of course I would, I think to myself.
I don't lift my eyes but speak quietly, "Why else do you think I'm going in? There are some things I want to show you."
I hold up the syringe and she tilts her head. I press the needle into her neck and then I offer her the black box containing the other syringe.
She looks nervous while she says, "I've never done this before."
"Right here," I say as I tough the spot on my neck using my fingernail. She stands on her tiptoes and pushes the needle in. I can't help but notice her hand shaking. I don't flinch, I keep my eyes on Tris the whole time and when she's done, I place both syringes into the black box and place the box by the door. I offer her my hand, hoping that she won't reject the offer. She slides her hand in mine and I open the door with my free hand. We walk into the dark room.
I decide to say something, "See if you can figure out why they call me Four."
The door clicks shut and the light is gone. I feel Tris inch closer to me so our arms are touching.
"What's your real name?" She asks.
"See if you can figure that out too."
The simulation begins and I know the first one. Heights. We're standing on something metal, high above the train tracks. The wind is blowing harshly and Tris leans against me to stay steady. I remove my hand from hers and wrap my arm around her shoulders. It's more for myself than her. I'm starting to breathe irregularly. What the hell was I thinking!? This was a terrible idea. I try to force breaths in and out through my open mouth, my teeth remain clenched.
"We have to jump off, right?" She shouts.
I can't manage to say anything. My throat is swelled shut with fear. I barely manage a nod.
"On three, okay?" Oh my gosh, we're going to die. Instead, of saying that, I nod again. She starts counting, "One...Two...Three!" She pulls me with her as she explodes in a run. I think about letting go of her hand and staying up here where it's safe. But this is just a simulation. It's not real. We fall off the edge, dropping at an incredible speed. I'm going to be splattered all over the ground. Then the scene is gone and we're on all fours. Small spaces. This is probable the second worst. I begin to gasp and I place a hand on my chest. Tris stands up and pulls me to my feet.
"What's next?" She asks.
"It's-" But before I can finish, the ceiling slams down on her. She falls into me, her head hitting my collarbone. The walls appear around us. The space is too small, I pull my arms into my chest so that I can fit better. The ceiling appears and I hunch over, groaning. This was a terrible idea. We're going to be stuck in here for a while.
"Confinement," she says.
I make an animal-like sound. This is torture, I grimace. Tris tilts her head and looks at me.
"Hey," she says. "It's okay. Here-"
She takes my arms and guides them around her body, trying to give me more space. I clutch at her back and place my face next to hers. I feel her cheeks warm.
"This is the first time I'm happy I'm so small." She laughs. Always trying to make jokes out of a bad situation.
All I manage is "Mmhmm." My voice is too strained.
She begins to speak, "We can't break out of here. It's easier to face the fear head on, right? So what you need to do is make the space smaller. Make it worse so it gets better. Right?" I don't think I can handle this space getting any smaller. But then again, I know she's right. It's the only way.
I tensely reply, "Yes."
"Okay. We'll have to crouch then. Ready?"
She squeezes my waist to pull me down with her. I hear the ceiling inching down with us, giving us less space. Tris turns, curls into a ball and presses her spine into my chest. One of my knees is bent next to her head and the other is curled beneath her, she's sitting on my ankle. I'm glad she doesn't way much or that would hurt. I breathe harshly against her ear.
My voice is raspy when I say, "Ah, this is worse. This is definitely..."
"Shh, arms around me," she demands.
I obediently place both arms around her waist. If I were't trapped in this stupid box, I would be thoroughly enjoying this. I see her cheeks lift up into a smile. Maybe she's enjoying this, my arms being around her.
"The simulation measures your fear response," she says, repeating my earlier words. "So if you can calm your heartbeat down, it will move on to the next one. Remember? So try to forget that we're here." She makes it sound like it's a walk in the park when it's clearly not for me. It's not going to be that easy.
"Yeah?" My lips brush against her ear while I speak, "That easy, huh?" I'm trying desperately to keep my cool.
"You know, most boys would enjoy being trapped in close quarters with a girl." She rolls her eyes.
I wish I could be enjoying this but the fear is front and center in my mind. "Not claustrophobic people, Tris!" I shout desperately. I just want out of this stupid box.
"Okay, okay." She places her hand on top of mine and guides it to her chest, above her heart.
"Feel my heartbeat," she says. "Can you feel it?"
It's really fast but I can definitely feel it. Why is her heart hammering? She's not afraid of tiny spaces! "Yes," I say.
"Feel how steady it is?" I feel that it's steady but not normal. It's rapid. Maybe it's because of me...
I smile a little, "It's fast."
"Yes, well, that has nothing to do with the box." I knew it! I knew she liked me! Her hearts hammering because of me! I can tell she knows her error because she winces.
"Every time you feel me breathe, you breathe. Focus on that," she says.
"Okay," I reply.
She breathes and I follow her lead. A few seconds of this and she says, "Why don't you tell me where this fear comes from. Maybe talking about it will help us...somehow."
Well, I'd really rather not talk about it but I might as well.
Um...Okay. This one is from my fantastic childhood. Childhood punishments. The tiny closet upstairs." I don't allow myself to flashback. If I were to do that, I would have a panic attack and we would never get out of this stupid box.
"My mother kept our winter coats in our closet," she replies, trying to be casual. Yeah, well so did we. A bunch of coats and I don't fit well together in a tiny closet!
I gasp out my words, "I don't... I don't really want to talk about this."
"Okay. Then... I can talk. Ask me something," she says. Perfect. I have a great question to ask.
Okay," I laugh shakily. "Why is your heart racing, Tris?" I know you aren't afraid of tiny spaces like me!
She cringes before she says, "Well, I..." She seems to be trying to find an excuse. I smile inwardly at her refusal to admit that she likes me. "I barely know you." Not a good excuse, Tris. "I barely know you and I'm crammed up against you in a box, Four, what do you think?"
Well, I think that you like me. But of course I don't say that.
"If we were in your fear landscape, would I be in it?" I ask.
"I'm not afraid of you," she says.
"Of course you're not. But that's not what I meant," I say back. I laugh again, but this time the walls break apart and fall away. I sigh and lift my arms from her body. She scrambles to her feet and brushes off invisible dirt. I feel cold from the absence of her against my chest. I stand in front of her, grinning with a knowing look in eye.
"Maybe you were cut out for Candor because you're a terrible liar," I say.
"I think my aptitude test ruled that one out pretty well."
I shake my head at her, "The aptitude test tells you nothing."
I see her narrow her eyes. "What are you trying to tell me? Your test isn't the reason you ended up in Dauntless?"
Crap, I think to myself. She's not going to let this go. "Not exactly, no. I..."
I look over her shoulder and notice the woman that I always have to kill. My voice trails off into nothingness. She's completely still, pointing a gun at us. I see the table with the gun and bullet.
"You have to kill her," Tris says softly.
"Every single time."
"She isn't real."
"She looks real." I can't help but bite my lip. A nervous habit of mine. "It feels real."
"If she was real, she would have killed you already," Tris says.
I know she's right but I still don't want to be a murderer. "It's okay." I nod. "I'll just... do it. This one's... not so bad. Not as much panic involved." Not as much panic, but it is really bad. I don't want to kill this lady. It's just a simulation though.
I pick up the gun, load the bullet in and click it into place. I squeeze my eyes shut and breathe. As I exhale, I fire the gun, thus killing the woman. Her head swings back and her blood flashes. She crumples to the floor in a heap.
Tris grabs my arm, "C'mon. Let's go. Keep moving."
She tugs me again and I come out of my daze to follow her.
Here comes the worst fear yet. This is also where she will find out who I really am. "Here we go," I whisper, more to myself than her.
The dark, evil figure moves ahead of us. Marcus emerges from the darkness and steps into the light. Tris must recognize him.
"Marcus," she whispers. Good, she knows him. Less explaining.
I say with a shaking voice, "Here's the part where you figure out my name." Please figure it out.
"Is he..." She glances between Marcus, who is approaching me, and I, who is backing away. "Tobias," she says.
Well, at least she knows my name now. Marcus shows his hands, holding the belt curled around his fist. He slowly unwinds it from his fingers.
He says those words I've heard so many times before, "This is for your own good." His voice echoes and a dozen Marcuses are surrounding us. The original Marcus blinks and his eyes turn into the dark, empty pits that I've come to know so well. I'm frozen with fear. Marcus yanks his arm back, ready to strike. I shrink back and try to protect my face, like I did as a child. I hear the crack of the belt and wait for the slicing pain but it doesn't come. I look up to see the belt wrapped around Tris' wrist. She yanks the belt away and hits Marcus with it. He yells and lunges at her with outstretched hands, claws suddenly appearing. He may have hurt me but I won't allow him to hurt Tris. I jump up and push Tris behind me. My fear is gone, replaced by pure rage.
All the Marcuses disappear. The lights come on in the fear landscape room, signaling the end of my fear landscape.
I got through it. I got through it all because of her.