Spartan 117 Takes on the Reapers
A/N: The premise of Master Chief being in the Mass Effect has been used by some others on this site, but I'll do what I can to make this one-shot original. It's comedy, after all... (very fourth-wall breaking)
The Alliance's most advanced vessel, the SR1 Normandy sat docked on the Citadel's ship bay, its silver and black surface catching the starlight like some giant mirror with SR1 stamped on its side. On board this ship, Commander Shepard, the first human Spectre (besides Anderson, but no one cares about that guy) went to the bridge of the ship where cripply-legs Joker sat picking his nose with the rest of the Normandy crew anxious to take off and take on Saren and his geth army, especially since hotels on those foreign worlds were booking fast and they didn't want to be stuck in some crummy batarian-run motel. At last, Shepard was right behind Joker and gave the order for the Normandy to take off and face its destiny.
"Normandy, launch!" Shepard ordered, and Joker grudgingly took the Normandy into space, since he felt that Shepard was rather underpowered to take on the geth, even if he was humanity's best hope. He was just wishing for something more when there was a loud bang.
"What was –? And is that a Gregorian chant?" Joker said, before a towering man in head-to-toe green armor punched through the ceiling of the Normandy and landed right behind Shepard. The epic music swelled.
The human Spectre whipped out his assault rifle to defend himself, yet the armored man grabbed his arm and broke it.
"Wh... who are you?"John gasped through the pain, looking up at the armored man's gold-tinted visor.
"This is Spartan 117," the man said in a deep voice before grabbing Shepard and throwing him at the airlock door; Shepard was sent straight through, falling into space toward a planet and burnt up on entry.
"Whoops, I guess Cerberus will have to bring him back now. Wait, that's not supposed to happen until the second game!" Joker protested, then covered his mouth. "Crap, a spoiler... anyway, Chief, what's up?"
Master Chief pointed at a planet on the map. "Take us to Therum," he said, and Joker complied.
"Help me! I'm trapped and can't get out," the blue asari girl cried when Chief, Wrex, and Kaidan found her in the prothean ruins. She was trapped in a blue bubble of energy beyond a second barrier. "Can you help me?"
"We have to find a way to get this barrier down," Kaidan said, examining it. "Maybe a mining laser?"
"Laser? I have... THIS!" Chief exclaimed. He kicked Kaidan away because he was annoying anyway, and useless besides. Chief then ran away and returned with a Scorpion tank out of nowhere, ramming the energy barrier and breaking it with sheer force.
"And... princess rescued!" Chief said, scooping Liara up and putting her in the tank with him. Geth were flooding the place, opening fire.
"Get us out of here! The ruins are crumbling!" Liara cried, and Chief complied, getting out of the tank and deploying a grav-lift, sending the tank shooting straight up and through the ceiling. He followed it on the lift, leaving Wrex behind. Lizard-boy could fend for himself, after all! Chief had Reapers to think about, and they were coming to destroy all life! The Normandy picked up the Liara-occupied Scorpion, taking off for Noveria.
"It's kind of cold here, Chief!" Joker warned as the Normandy docked there. "And you'll have to get through all the bureaucratic work to get to Peak 15 anyway. Got a plan?"
Chief nodded, then took a shuttle onto the cold surface and lured in a Thresher Maw.
"Those don't even live here!" Ashley complained, watching the beast approach like a sandworm out of Dune.
"They do now," Chief said, climbing on the beast's back. "We're going."
"I know what you're thinking, and it's crazy," Ashley shouted up at him.
"So, stay here," Chief told her, starting off on the Maw's back. "I'm going to Peak --"
He realized that Ashley was right there with him as geth flooded into the area, shooting up at them.
"Unfortunately for us both, I like crazy," Ashley grinned, before a geth's stray energy bolt blasted the poor girl's head off.
"Well, just unfortunately for you, I guess," Chief commented as he made the Thresher Maw ram its way into Peak 15 and he jumped inside. There were a bunch of Rachni there, but Chief's energy sword crackled to life and reduced them to smoking bits.
"The flood are a million times more annoying than you guys," Chief told them as he made his way to Matriarch Benezia. "That asari ho is going down and none of you can stop meh! I am Master Chief, lollolollolollolololl!"
A stray Rachni hit him and took out the Master Chief's shields, threatening his life.
"Cover! Cover!" Chief cried, hiding behind a box until his shields warped back to full strength, that full blue bar never looking better. He pwned that Rachni and then found Benezia.
"Have you faced an asari commando unit before?" the elder asari asked, turning to face the Chief. "Few humans ha --"
Master Chief's beam rifle shot struck Benezia in the stomach, taking her down.
"I – I didn't get to finish! I'm supposed to be a difficult boss!" Benezia gasped.
"Tough luck, lady. I'm a Spartan!" Master Chief said before facializing her completely, then planting a giant spiky Covenant bomb he kept in his pocket and setting it to go off. Chief took a convenient Hornet out of the place before the whole place went ka-booooooooom.
"By the way, Garrus went in there after you but was lost in the explosion,"Joker told him as they went to Feros. "Aren't you concerned about your crew?"
"I took on the Covenant alone. I operate... alone," the Chief said, the Gregorian chant coming back. Epic lone hero music! Once on Feros, Master Chief pwnzorz-ed his way through the veritable Zerg Rush of Thorian Creepers until he confronted the massive Thorian plant.
"The Gravemind... it's you," Chief said in a deadly serious tone, setting his redundant Assault Rifle on his back and looking up at it.
"Dude, you've got the wrong address. I'm the THORIAN! AND I RULE EVEN THOUGH I'M A PLANT!" the beast declared.
"Oh. Not the Gravemind?" Chief said quietly, then whipped out his Spartan Laser, the read beam blasting the Thorian in half. "Then take this, rose boy! What now?? Unless you have hax..."
The Thorian's pieces lay limp and didn't do anything, so it apparently didn't have hax. Too bad. Now, the Council ordered Chief to go to Virmire where Saren was, so he had to sit through the loading screen to get to that level and start things up again.
"We're about to assault Saren's main base," the salarian captain told him once Chief got there. "I'm Captain Kirrahe of the STG and will be your superior officer --"
"I can't take your orders," the Master Chief shook his head.
"But you must!" Kirrahe insisted.
"Never. I'm storming that base on my own," Chief said. "Go away."
"This is madness!" Kirrahe cried.
"Madness... this! Is! Screw it. People make '300' jokes too much," Master Chief said, pushing Kirrahe away before zipping his way through Saren's geth and Krogan defenses using his quick reflexes, BXR, and 1337 skillz. :D Oh, and a super-bounce to get to the main level of the base. Chief had to crouch-walk in a corner for a few seconds before walking to a particular spot on the floor and jumping to get there. Then, he confronted the red-tinted hologram of a massive squid-like monster.
"C... Cthulhu?!" Chief sputtered.
"No. It is I, Sovereign. Not the guy I was ripped off from," the Reaper hologram said in his deep voice. "You fumble in ignorance. Incapable of understanding. The day of reckoning is coming, and when it does... hey!"
The Master Chief was doing that trick where you press B and then X over and over to make you super-rapidly melee and cancel it, in order to distract himself. "Are you listening to me?!"
"Nope," Chief shook his head. "Time crunch. Later. Folks need heroes!"
And so, the Chief deployed 1,000 Trip Mines at the base's most critical point and made a remote-control Warthog model drive over them to set them off, and Chief rode the explosion to get right into the waiting Normandy, shoving Liara and Tali out of the way. They fell to the planet surface and were roasted by the detonation.
"Now the ship's nice and light," Master Chief said. "Get me to Ilos where that Conduit whatever is."
"'Kay," Joker complied, dropping the Master Chief right onto Ilos' surface. He burned his way through the geth defenders with a combination of no-scope kills, his energy sword, and dual-wielded Needlers. He started up that IM session with Virgil and then realized that time was running out, and he had to get to the Conduit NOW!
So, he grabbed a quick Warthog and drove well beyond the speed limit past the defending geth, this all reminding him of the endings of Halo 1 and 3. He got through the Conduit and reached the Citadel, where Sovereign had planted his fat butt on top of the Presidium tower. The Master Chief knew that the Reapers would arrive in full force if Sovereign lived for much longer, so he grabbed a convenient Banshee and shot out Sovereign's brains, winning him the battle! Now all galactic life was saved from destruction by the Reapers, which was a concept he was familiar with in his own game. But then...
"Oh, hell!" Joker said in Master Chief's comm, before the rest of the Reapers arrived anyway! And they would doubly destroy all life in the galaxy because they brought the Halo rings with them! And were using them like Hula Hoops!
Master Chief realized that there was one way out of this. He reached for the button.
"I know what you're thinking, and it's crazy," Joker said.
"Don't make me have this conversation again," Chief responded, before pressing the power button on the Xbox 360 and shutting everything off. No Reapers-using-Halo-rings death for him!
Game over :D