In a normal world, people would rather not live in a mansion that could collapse on them. In retrospect, they would rather not be the ones that have to build that mansion in the first place.
Unfortunately, I can't say the same for me.
Imagine being in a team of seven forced to build a manor large enough to house forty or more people. First of all, we weren't going to get paid for this. It's slave labour; there wasn't much any of us could do. The goal our bosses laid out for us was to build this place while spending the least amount of money possible. Second, out of the entire team, five out of seven of us are either animals or Pokémon, so on top of slave labour, you can even consider this animal abuse.
Living under the roof of one boss is hard enough—especially considering we are supposed to be building that "roof" ourselves. As for living under the roof of two bosses?
…
Let's just say I hate working as an Assist Trophy.
I am what people from my country call a Venus Adept. In short, that means I can manipulate the very earth we stand on through something called psynergy. From my bosses' perspectives, that meant creating building material to use for this mansion we had to make.
Math is not my forte, but you can imagine their current spending bill at zero so far.
The team did pretty well so far as we followed the blueprints given to us by Mr. Game and Watch. The problem was he's so flat that his body became the blueprint itself, so I wouldn't be surprised if the building ends up being in the shape of a man. It wasn't like the bosses were specific about what the manor should look like though, so we decided to go with it. We had a few issues along the way though.
First off: the bedrooms.
Have you ever heard of a mansion that can fit over forty bedrooms? We're not supposed to be building castles here, and yet this "mansion" is supposed to have one endless hallway of bedrooms for everyone. Hasn't anyone in this country ever heard of bunking? Or inns? Or sleeping—I don't know—in their own homes?
As I was making the rock and mud bricks, I started imagining all of the places I've slept in before. If I can survive having termites, vines, and ice to sleep on top of, I'm sure they can survive living under mud, rock, and clay.
Maybe.
It wasn't like we were getting paid anyway.
You'd know something was wrong when you get towered over by a gorilla and a dragon.
Yes, construction work needs heavy-lifters, so we had Donkey Kong and Charizard for that. One of my bosses once said that they own them along with an entire collection of Pokémon and animals serving them as Reward Trophies.
Hence the slave labour.
They don't really talk much, but even if they did, you wouldn't understand them in the first place. What they did was lift all the bricks I made to stack the mansion. I would've said they were doing a good job if I didn't end up risking my life around them every time.
Rocks were flying everywhere. To your left, Donkey Kong was tossing a bunch of bricks over your head while nearly skinning your nose or hair. In the air, Charizard could flap his wings hard enough to force the air to push you into stacks of bricks. It was like they were trying to kill you! Charizard made everything stick together by melting the bricks with his flame thrower. Get too close to the flames…
Let's just say they owe me a new scarf.
And a wig.
The next thing we had to worry about were the utilities like electricity, heating, and running water. Basic stuff to have in a country like this, but have you ever thought about where they came from?
When you happen to have two guys like Pikachu and Pichu who can spark up lightning from their cheeks, that's when you start to realise your bosses don't need to pay for electricity. Brilliant, but you haven't seen the things that they've done. Those two electric mice? Guess what they'll be generating electricity from.
As Donkey Kong and Charizard started building the electric-generating hamster wheel in the basement of the mansion, it was then when I wondered how long the Pikachu and Pichu will be staying in there for. Think about it: two little mice are going to power an entire mansion by running along that wheel for a very long time. I remembered the bosses mentioning something about supporting greener, alternative energy, but I guess they're the kind of people who take blood, sweat, and tears too seriously. Poor little guys, going to get overworked to death. Surprised no one had filed charges for animal abuse yet.
As for the water that'll be running through the mansion, that's what Squirtle is for. I don't know about you, but using shower and toilet water that gets spit out from a Squirtle? Saving water, saving money, I guess. Saving the environment too if they want to pretend to use that as an excuse.
It wouldn't have been too much of a problem had we not only have one Squirtle. And yet we were supposed to have at least four bathrooms…
I have a feeling Squirtle won't see the light of day for a long, long time.
At least he'll have Charizard to keep him company—that guy's in charge of the heating after all.
Also the mansion ended up being built in the shape of a man, so guess where one of the bathrooms will end up? Here's a hint: what do you do to use the bathroom?
It's ridiculous what kind of requests people have for rooms sometimes. Who has ever heard of a kitchen being put beside the bedrooms? That basically makes that entire hallway of bedrooms the servant quarters. And listen to this: one of the bosses wants to have a ballroom next to an arena with the change rooms across from the ballroom, specifically the girls' change room so that the inside can be seen through the windows.
Huh, I wouldn't mind that, actually.
But an arena? The other one wants to have an office at the opposite end of the cafeteria, but next to the kitchen so he could get at least one of the women from the bedrooms nearby to go make him a sandwich.
Glad to see he's supporting women's rights.
When we finished building everything on the list, which surprisingly was finished in a week, you wouldn't believe how nice it looked—from the outside at least once it got painted. Our bosses named the place Smash Mansion. It was a glorious day. The people gathered around and admired the hard work we did, even if we weren't getting paid for it.
However, we weren't the only people who built a mansion.
Next door, you could hear a crowd gathering in front of another mansion that looked exactly like ours. No one realised we were going to get neighbours. A couple of us went to say hi, but the moment they turned around, we saw that it was Waluigi and Bowser. We already knew them.
Then beside theirs, there was yet another crowd in front of yet another mansion with Saki and Ganondorf this time. Made some of the people who gathered at our opening wonder if they came to the wrong building.
Across the block, more crowds and mansions were being built! It was ridiculous! The entire block looked filled with them. I turned to look at my bosses and the one on the left told me we were on FF Street. A mansion was just too brilliant to not have!
Well it would've been brilliant if they haven't ordered the rest of the Smasher Trophies to make the exact same thing.
But it got me wondering. If they have all these mansions, where's all the electricity, heating, and water coming from? Looking at the mansion that already have the Pokémon locked up in their places, I realised someone should file a report for animal abuse.
Take my experiences with care, and thank you for purchasing the guide to Mansion Building For Cheapskates: Slave Labour Edition.
I doubt I'll be getting paid for this either.
Results may vary.
Tune4Toons: I just have too much about Smash Mansion to leave it alone. XD The humour's a little more weird from the normal stuff (actually I'd put this under attempted satire haha), but I wanted to give it a try. ^_^
Happy birthday, Skull! Sorry 'bout this thing being a bit belated, but hope you as well as any other readers enjoyed it! :D Cheers!