Summary: Minako Arisato had more secrets than he had ever known. Ken x Minako/Female Protagonist. Oneshot.
Author's Note: I would like to sincerely thank those who enjoyed my other Ken x Minako story, Eternal Sunset. It has taken quite some time and is long overdue, but I have finally finished another fanfiction for you all. While I am not (and may never be) satisfied with it, I hope you enjoy reading nevertheless.
Disclaimer: I do not own the Persona series.
Warning: Angst. End of game spoilers.
Too Many Secrets
Created By: x-LittleMissAlice-x
xXx
"Some secrets are better left undiscovered or unsaid."
Unknown
xXx
[ What was her secret? ]
Without any effort at all she was always there, smiling - smiling, smiling, smiling without a flaw.
The weight of the burdens she bore were quelled by the carefree curl of her glossy pink lips. Every little hurdle, every obstacle standing in her way disintegrated beneath her determined, ruby eyed-gaze...
Nothing could touch her. Nothing could shake her.
Nothing could ever cause that radiant, effortless grin of hers to falter, slip, or fade - it was always be there (would always be there, he had thought), brightening the days of those around her like a constant, effortless sunshine.
But... how could she do that? How, after everything she had gone through, with all of the burdens and expectations thrust upon her, could she still smile?
How could the chime of her laughter be so infectious, and her gleaming, pearly white grin so addicting, and the softness of her touch so... comforting?
"Are you ready to go home, Ken-kun?"
Perky. Yes, in that moment the tone of her voice had been as lively and cheerful as always. That all-too-familiar smile stretched across her lips, a gentle hand resting on his shoulder. He could sense the warmth of her touch seeping through the cloth of his orange hoodie, feel her fingers lightly brush against the nape of his neck...
Shivers of delight tingled his spine. His eyelids involuntarily fluttered shut, and it took everything inside Ken to refrain from leaning into her touch.
"Wait... Minako-san," he began, voice trailing, his slipping thoughts struggling to retain his words. "There is something... I need to ask you."
"Oh, yeah? Go ahead."
Minako's eyes - a lovely hue of mixed chocolate brown and alluring ruby - were oddly unreadable as she waited for him to speak. In that moment, if only for that brief span of time, the usual warmth in her gaze had... vanished.
Those intense irises burned him, pierced through his persona, his being... They saw everything: the gradual flush of his boyish, heated cheeks; the fidgeting fingers nervously gripping and releasing the hem of his shorts; the hesitant opening and closing of his parted lips, struggling to form coherent words.
He needed to say it. Just... spit it out. Just. Say. It.
"You are just... I think you are really amazing!" he blurted, his unspoken thoughts tumbling out all at once. "You are great at everything. You always have the top scores in your class, and do well in sports. You are the leader of our explorations into Tartarus, and have so many friends..."
She was also, in Ken's opinion, the most beautiful person he had ever met. She had a bubbly, positive personality to match her genius intellect, charismatic charm, badass courage, outstanding diligence, and saintly empathy.
Minako Arisato was... well, perfect, but...
"But, I just wanted to know... Are you ever unsatisfied or unhappy with anything?"
Surely, there was something she lacked. Surely, there was something she desired but couldn't obtain, something that made her more realistically... human.
Surely, there was something Ken could do to help Minako acquire what she could not achieve.
He had wanted to know. Really, he had wanted to know her thoughts, her feelings - everything about her.
But then, wordlessly, her warm, slender hand slipped into his, and Ken could have sworn he stopped breathing.
An insistent pounding of thumpthumpthump! raced loudly in his chest. The pale fingers effortlessly intertwined with his own made his entire hand - no, his entire arm feel like it was on fire; a fire that quickly grew into smoldering orange and red flames, consuming nerve upon nerve within his body.
It was wonderful. The closeness, the heat- it was...
Minako began to walk, then, her arm brushing against his flinching shoulder. Awkwardly, he had directed his flushed face towards the ground, staring at the heel of her knee-high boots, before his chocolate eyes flickered upward to gaze at the back turned towards him.
In that moment Ken wished (God, how he wished...) he had seen Minako's face as she uttered her next words:
"I really enjoyed spending time with you again tonight, Ken-kun. We should go to Wuck again some time."
Then she turned her head towards him and smiled, innocent without a flaw.
Ken had been so breath-taken by it he hadn't even noticed...
She had never answered his question.
xXx
[ Would she tell him her secret? ]
If there was one question in the universe Ken Amada wanted answered in that moment, it was this one;
How was it possible for a girl of her size to... eat so much? Where did it all go?
"Minako-san... isn't that your third Wuck burger? If you keep eating like that, you are going to feel sick."
The high schooler before him pulled her mouth away from her Wuckaburger long enough to express a childish (but rather cute) pout.
"What are you trying to say, Ken-kun? Would you love me any less if I gained weight?" Despite the teasing pitch of her tone, a pink blush dusted his cheeks.
"O-of course not. You know I... well, I-"
I love you more than anything else.
"Are you sure?" she pressed, the corners of her lips expressing a hint of an amused smile. "If I gained any more weight, I might not look as good in that battle suit I know you like."
"Are you talking about... the one you wear in Tartarus?" Ken squeaked.
His mind drifted, recalling slim white armored gloves, mid-thigh high heels, and fabric that hugged Minako's curves far too tightly for comfort. Minako had always called the outfit her "Battle Panties" and, for whatever reason, made all the girls in SEES wear one (although an ecstatic Junpei and a flustered Akihiko never outright complained).
Modestly, Ken adverted his eyes.
Great. It had already been hard enough trying to stop himself from staring at her too long, but now he would imagine her in that outfit if he looked at her...
"...You shouldn't wear that." Ken allowed the soft murmur to pass between them, but still refused to make eye contact; instead, his thumbs fiddled nervously under the table. "It isn't safe. With so little, uh... clothing it provides little if any protection against shadows and-"
"Do you like when I wear it?"
His head jerked up at the abrupt question, his lips immediately parting to speak, before losing any coherent words the moment his gaze met hers. The tips of his ears helplessly warmed, and his big brown eyes shifted away, instead intently staring at the window beside her.
"You shouldn't tease me like that, Minako-san..." Softly, he added, muttered under his breath, "And even if I do like when you wear it, I don't like it when Sanada-san and Junpei-san can see you in it, too."
The secretive (and undoubtedly perverted) glances, the sharp tension lingering in the air, the stuttering remarks and fidgeting legs- it was always like this when Junpei and Akihiko went with him into Tartarus, especially when Minako wore that outfit. Occasionally Akihiko would spitefully spit out a backhanded remark, and Junpei would try to defend Ken (albeit miserably) while trying to snap out of his own stumbling and foggy thoughts. Wearing that outfit in front of three guys was just-
"I don't have to worry about what I wear because I know you will protect me."
Breath hitching, heart singing, his eyes met her's properly for the first time that evening.
"Do you really think... I am able to protect you?"
"Are you kidding? You have saved me in Tartarus more times than I can count!"
Does she really mean that? Is that why she always chooses me to take with her during our expeditions? Am I... really able to protect her even though I am just a kid?
She must have been able to read his thoughts (her eyes always seemed to be able to see right through him), for she smiled a rather ambiguous smile.
"Would you like to hear a secret?" she asked gently. At his eager nod, she leaned across the table between them. Her face inched closer, closer, closer to his own. Her hot breath tickled the shell of his ear as she whispered a single, simple truth:
"You have always truly been by my side, more than anyone else."
Giddiness - absolute bursting, genuine happiness flooded throughout his entire body at her personal praise. She had noticed him, and perhaps always had.
Even so, almost self-consciously he continued to fidget with the fingers in his lap.
"Even more than... Sanada-san?" The hesitation and insecurity bubbling inside him leaked into his tone, but every negative feeling or emotion washed away at her reassuring words.
"Yes, even more than Akihiko."
He could feel Minako smile against the lobe of his ear, and Ken couldn't help but fear that someway, somehow she could feel his pulse jumping erratically under his skin. But before he could shift under her touch, the sensation of her lips disappeared, like they had never been there in the first place.
"Anyway, we can't all be healthy like you, Ken-kun," she remarked suddenly, and it took Ken a moment to snap out of his haze to recall she had changed the subject to what they had been discussing before. The eyes that had been observing him closely left him, instead turning to the food on his plate. Minako's nose crinkled in distaste at his untouched salad, flourishing with various shades of green, the occasional spots of other colorful vegetables decorating his meal, before her eyes shifted towards her impossibly unhealthy Wuckaburger and fries.
Silently, Ken was thankful she didn't say something along the lines of, 'Who knew kids actually liked eating their vegetables?' He didn't like to eat them of course, but he had to if he wanted to grow up faster.
"...But you do have a point," she continued after a long pause, "I have been eating far more than I should lately. I guess... I am just stress eating."
Stress eating...?
"Has there been anything bothering you lately, Minako-san?"
She froze. Her arm hovered in the hair, halfway to her opened mouth, fry in hand. A long, heavy silence lingered between them before she slowly placed it down on her tray, far too quiet for comfort.
"Minako-san...?" Ken pressed, feeling oddly apprehensive. "If you don't want to talk about it, it's fine. But if you need an ear to listen, I'm here for you. I... I really care about you-"
"Have I seemed different to you lately?"
Ken blinked. His eyebrows furrowed in confusion. "What do you mean by 'different'?"
"Has my demeanor seemed... out of the ordinary, or have you noticed me treat you or anyone else in S.E.E.S. differently?"
"Honestly? You haven't really seemed any different from usual..."
Ken immediately regretted that admission when he saw her somewhat dejected expression. Guilt overwhelmed him.
How could he not have noticed something was on her mind? Were they not as close as he would have liked to believe?
"But-" Ken added quickly, unsettled by the way Minako wordlessly pursed her lips, "I want to help you in any way I can. So you can rely on me, if you need to."
Mentally, Ken kicked himself. Rely on him? What was he thinking? He was just a kid... she would never do that.
Even if she meant it when she said he could protect her, there were just certain things he was unable to do.
"I have just been feeling a little overwhelmed with school lately." For the first time that evening, Ken noticed just how tired Minako looked. Light bags were forming beneath her usually lively eyes, and she was paler than usual. "You know, with exams just around the corner and all."
"I wish I could help you study for them, but I can't since..."
We are six years apart.
Frustration. The emotion bubbled inside him every instance he was reminded of that fact, questions of Why couldn't I have been born sooner? and Why am I such a kid? flashing through his mind.
Age wasn't a factor Ken normally considered. He was mature, and Minako had a tendency to act like a little kid when they spent time together. Most of the time he didn't even notice their age difference, but when it was brought up, when the reality of their gap in experience was shoved in his face, it upset Ken. Even now, internally, he fought the urge to kick the table.
"Are you sure there isn't anything else making you feel stressed?" Ken asked, hoping, willing, wishing he could do something to help her...
But she admitted nothing, merely sat there and smiled, smiled, smiled without a flaw.
"No, but thank you, Ken-kun."
And then she resumed eating her burger, far too quiet for the rest of the evening, and Ken couldn't help but think she was lying to him.
xXx
Rising panic. Bubbling Fear. Stifling anxiety.
[ Would she figure out his secret? ]
"This isn't what you think! I was just- I am holding them for a friend, I swear."
Amused smile. Crossed arms. Cocked eyebrow.
[ Had she already figured out his secret? ]
"I didn't know friends allowed their classmates to borrow their limited edition Phoenix Ranger Featherman R action figures."
"We are, um, you know... rather close... B-but it isn't like I watch the series of anything."
Still, that all knowing smile did not falter.
"Then why do you have them?"
"He asked me if I could keep them here because... his mother really hates Featherman R."
She knew, she knew, she knew.
She knew he was cringing. She knew he was a terrible liar. And, above all else, she knew he was obsessed with Featherman R, even if he refused to admit it.
"Did that 'friend' of yours ask you to hold all that manga, too?" With a fluid gesture of her hand, she motioned to the neat bookshelf behind him, shelf upon shelf filled with various manga, their titles and volumes arranged from A-Z.
"They are a, uhm... really, really good friend?"
"Are all of those posters from this 'friend' too? And what about those plushies-"
Burning cheeks. Shifting gaze. Fidgeting fingers.
And, finally... a confession.
"Alright! All of it... is mine, okay?"
Her open laughter washed all of his anxieties away.
"Why did you try to keep it a secret?"
"I didn't want to admit it because..."
Trembling limbs. A gentle sigh. A soft, ashamed murmur.
"...Cartoonsarechildish."
His greatest secret, muttered just under his breath, was not unheard - could not be unheard in the dead silence of his room. He knew because he heard his bedroom door shut with a gentle whine. He knew because he could feel the edge of his mattress dip with a sudden weight. He knew because his heart raced in a way being around Minako made it do.
Still, he didn't dare to raise his gaze from his knee, not even when her intoxicating sweet scent tickled his nostrils, or when her thigh brushed against his own.
From the corner of his eye, he saw Minako place a mischievous finger to her glossy pink lips.
"Would you like to hear a secret?" she asked, "But you can't tell anyone, alright? This is just between us."
A secret no one else knows about, shared between only me and her...?
"O-of course, Minako-san."
"Okay. Well, the truth is..."
Ken's body went rigid. His mind whirled. What could she possibly tell him? Something embarrassing? A memory from her past? Or perhaps... a confession?
Ken couldn't deny the giddiness he felt at the possibility. If Minako confessed to him - if she told him she loved him as a person, not just as a little boy or brother - Ken knew he would hold her tight and never let go.
But perhaps he was being too hopeful, expecting something like that. He was just a kid, after all...
An immature kid that bought Phoenix Ranger Featherman R action figures, manga, plushies, and posters... A little kid that was hopelessly in love with a girl six years older than him.
Who was he kidding? Minako could never (would never, the voice in his head whispered) be with him like that.
Someone so... childish and young and-
"I really love Phoenix Ranger Featherman R!"
Ken's racing thoughts stopped mid-rant, his chocolate brown eyes widening in surprise. His head instinctively snapped towards her.
"W-what?" he asked, uncertain if he had heard her correctly. Surely not. She wasn't as childish as him... was she?
Apparently, she was.
"I watch Phoenix Ranger Featherman R every Sunday morning, and have seen every episode aired to date at least three times, and I was really excited when I heard they were selling the action figures in stores again for a limited time!" she admitted quickly, her cheeks flushed in embarrassment.
Was Ken... dreaming?
He had to be a dreaming. A girl as beautiful, intelligent, and daring as her couldn't possibly be as geeky as him.
In yet, when he moved the hand on his knee to pinch his thigh, the scene around him didn't dissolve. Minako was still there, next to him, talking to him with a slightly sheepish smile.
"I was actually planning on buying one earlier today... Well, like all of them, okay? Just one of each Phoenix Ranger... maybe two if I could afford it."
Two of each Phoenix Ranger? She was more obsessed than he was!
"Why weren't you able to buy one? There were plenty the first day they were released."
Ken's mind drifted back through time, recalling the memory. Only a single aisle had been stocked, lined up with several gleaming action figures in golden cases. There had been a high school student working there, wearing a tag with the name Nozomi Suemitsu. He had been yelling about waiting all night for those action figures to arrive so he should be the first to purchase them. Although the growing crowd in Book On! was riled up, nearly to the point of starting a riot, with Ken's small stature it had been easy enough to slip through the crowd of customers. Surely Minako, being as beautiful as she was, could have effortlessly charmed everyone in the room long enough to buy an action figure or two.
But, according to her, that was not the case.
"Did you see how quickly they sold out? I was lucky I was even able to get through the doors to see if there were any action figures left! And when I saw there were a few, I had to work at the Chagall Cafe in Paulownia Mall for two weeks just to save up for one of them!"
"We earn more than enough funds through our expeditions in Tartarus. Why didn't you just use that?"
"Mitsuru manages money we find in Tartarus, and even if we do share an unbreakable bond, she wouldn't be happy if I used it for something other than equipment." Minako sighed, muttering something along the lines of, It's not like I wouldn't have shared them afterwards and At least Junpei would have appreciated my efforts under her breath.
"If you had arrived to Book On! earlier but could only afford one figurine, which Ranger would you have chosen?" Ken asked curiously.
"Let's see..."
Her pointer finger tapped the end of her chin thoughtfully, unique ruby-chocolate eyes skimming the various action figures he had bought a few days prior, spread out across his wooden floor. Reaching out her arm she carefully grabbed the White Ranger. She placed him in her lap, stroking his suit almost tenderly.
"The White Swallow. Definitely."
Ken flushed. He was his favorite one too. "Why did you choose him?"
A heavy silence filled the air between them.
"...The White Swallow has the ability to see through any lie, told by others or to himself."
As she said those words, Minako seemed… different. The perky tone of her voice had darkened, and the usual twinkle in her eyes vanished.
It was as if… the girl sitting in front of him wasn't her anymore.
"Have you ever owned a Phoenix Ranger action figure before?" Ken asked quickly, in hopes of changing the subject, willing for her to regain that uplifting look of happiness and comfort, that look of life her eyes once had...
But still, she continued to have that far-away, distant gaze.
"Yes, I used to play with-"
Her eyebrows knitted together briefly, as if mentally struggling within herself. "I used to play with them when I was a little girl. My... parents would buy them all the time. I guess you could say I was obsessed with the show, even then. But... well, I don't have the merchandise from back then anymore."
They remind her of her family, don't they?
Although she didn't always look like it, her parents' deaths must have affected her far more than she let on.
"Who is your favorite Ranger, Ken-kun?"
"I like the White Swallow as well. He is very noble, honest and... well, mature," he admitted a bit shyly.
"We often admire those we aspire to be like most."
That was true, and Ken wanted to be just like the White Ranger. Maybe then he could protect everything that was precious to him. Maybe then, he could protect her.
"You know, I think you already have many of the White Swallow's traits, without even trying."
Ken perked up at that. "Do you wish you had the ability to see through lies, Minako-san? Or even... be more like me?"
Surely not. Minako was perfect. She had everything going for her. Why would she want to be more like him? What qualities did she see that he didn't?
"I think... having an ability like that would make it easier to see the world for what it is."
Why? Why does she still have that faraway look in her eyes? Why won't you tell me what is troubling you, Minako-san?
"Not all of us can be strong like you, Ken-kun. Sometimes it's just... easier to shut our eyes and cover our ears to the truth."
...What kind of truth are you closing your eyes to?
"We should play sometime," she remarked suddenly.
"Play with... these action figures?" Ken asked incredulously.
This was his chance. This was his opportunity to spend more time with her, to be there for her. But... she already had so many burdens and responsibilities. Wouldn't he just add to them?
"I don't really mind but... are you sure you have the time for me?"
She smiled, but for the first time her smile didn't reach her eyes.
Lonely.
Yes, that smile looked so very lonely.
"I have a lot of lost time to make up for. I guess... I wanted to buy those action figures to try to have some sense of my childhood back."
In that moment, Ken wanted nothing more than to make her smile again, one of those smiles that could so easily brighten a person's entire world.
"We should watch Featherman R together, too. You know... on Sunday mornings..." his voice trailed at the open invitation, dissolving in confidence by the second.
His nerves calmed considerably when she nodded.
"I would like that."
For a moment longer she gingerly touched the White Ranger figurine in her lap. Then slowly, almost reluctantly, she stood, placing the figurine in the palm of his hand. She turned her back towards him, heading for the door.
His voice called out to her before he had even realized it.
"W-wait, Minako-san!"
She froze, turning her head to look over her shoulder. Nervously, he fidgeted under her gaze.
"Before you go, uhm... Here."
Somewhat hesitantly, he held the White Ranger out to her.
"I think... he will give you the courage to face the truth. A-and he might help you sleep easy at night..."
What was he saying? Give her the courage to face the truth? How cheesy was that? Maybe he had read one too many mangas...
But still, even if it was cheesy, Ken couldn't deny the beating in his chest skipped when she came back to his side and her hand brushed against his.
"Thank you, Ken-kun."
The sincerity of those words made Ken's heart sing.
Finally, there was something he could do for her. Even if it was just giving her an action figure, he hoped it would put her at ease.
"We leave for Tartarus in twenty minutes," she said, referring back to why she had entered his room in the first place. "Be ready."
Then she softly shut the door behind her, White Phoenix Ranger in hand, and Ken could have sworn he had seen tears in her eyes.
xXx
[ Had she known about this secret all along, since the beginning? ]
"Why didn't you ever tell us, dammit?! How long have you known? How long have you had this... this thing stuck inside you?"
Junpei's panicked ramble broke the tense silence of the dorm, shouting the very words everyone had lingering in the back of their minds.
In that moment, every friendships Minako had made no longer mattered. All those hours she had spent bonding with the dorm members, helping them with their homework or spending time with them after school to overcome their personal issues… all the times she had led her teammates to victory, cared for and protected her friends in Tartarus - all of it meant nothing.
No one seemed to be by her side when she needed their support most. No one.
No one except Ken Amada.
"Cut the crap, Junpei!"
Every head in the room snapped towards him, eight pairs of eyes widening in disbelief… Well, everyone except Minako. She sat stiffly, her auburn bangs fallen over her face, hiding any and all expressions from the hostile world around her; the world she had done everything in her power to help; the world she had tried to save, to make even the slightest bit better, time and time again...
The same world that the entity she had unwittingly carried inside her was destined to destroy.
Silently she sat, as if waiting for that very world to end, as if covering her eyes and closing her ears to everyone around her - but still, Ken knew she was listening. Even if no one else saw it, even if not one else noticed, Ken knew she had relaxed if only a little when he spoke.
"But she is the one who is going to bring about The Fall!" Junpei's voice rose to match the volume of his own. His taller form loomed over him, his dark eyes staring down at him (always, always staring down at him), trying to intimidate him, to force him to commit or agree to the same mentality he had... the same mentality everyone seemed to have. "Everyone is going to die because of her!"
"Shut up!"
Ken's back straightened, his small trembling hands curling into fists at his sides. He sucked in a deep breath before saying his next words:
"Who do you think you are? Who do any of you think you are?"
He motioned to the entire room, and almost everyone had their arms crossed over their chest or behind their back, idly standing on the sidelines as if their conversation didn't concern them, didn't affect them.
But it did. The world ending. Everyone would become one of The Lost... It was their responsibility - their problem, whether they liked it or not.
"From where I am standing, none of you are Minako-san's friends. If you were, you would be by her side, and you would know this is not her fault!"
"Shut up, Ken," Akihiko snapped. "You're too young to understand the gravity of the situation."
There it was. His age, his age, his age. It was always about his God damn age!
"Too young to understand?" Ken laughed bitterly, shaking his head. "How do you think I feel about this? As much as I hate to think about it, I know I am only ten years old. I should have my entire life ahead of me. Do you think I want to die before I even have the chance to live it? Do you think I am fine with the possibility of losing any life I could have had within the next month? No, of course not. But that doesn't mean me, you, or anyone else has the right to be an ass to Minako-san!"
"He's right, Stupei," Yukari said, standing (although a bit shakily) from her seat. "We can't blame her for this. She couldn't have known."
"This is not her fault," Aigis agreed, placing a mechanical hand over the gears of her heart. "It is mine. I had to seal the Arcana of Death inside her to protect this world ten years ago. She could not have possibly known or remembered she was harboring it, and had I not shut down and lost my own memories, I could have warned you all of this."
"It's my fault too," Ryoji spoke up, squeezing Minako's shoulder comfortingly. "I didn't know my true identity. I wouldn't have approached you if I had... Maybe then you wouldn't have to make this choice now. But... I'm glad. I'm glad I met you, all of you. It was... fun."
"Doesn't anyone care about my feelings...?" Minako whispered, speaking for the first time since Ryoji warned S.E.E.S. about the events that were to come. "How do you think it feels, knowing that not only your family died because of you, but that it's your fault the world is going to end? The only 'great' thing about being me is that I get to choose how it ends."
"Minako-san..." Ken murmured, but she wouldn't look at him. She wouldn't look at anyone. Ken could see her arms shaking.
No one else said a word. She truly did have a heavy burden to bear, and everyone knew it. She could either allow Ryoji to live for the mere opportunity of defeating Nyx on Tartarus' peak, a battle Ryoji himself had said was impossible to win, or she could kill him, along with the memories of everything associated with the Dark Hour, and live on blissfully until the end of the world.
Ken would forget how his mother truly died. He would forget all the memories everyone at the dorm had created together, how they had bonded with one another… and most importantly, there was a chance he could forget about his deep feelings for Minako.
Could he forget why he loved her if his memories disappeared?
Ken didn't know, but he was frightened at the possibility.
I don't want to lose those precious memories...
In the end this was, ultimately, Minako's decision. He couldn't do anything to influence her. At this point, no one could.
She had already gone through so much... If she wanted to lose her memories, to forget about all the tragedy she had endured throughout her entire life, she now had the opportunity to do so. Ken would accept her choice, whatever it was... for her.
If Minako chose to close her eyes and cover her ears to the truth, someway, somehow he would stay by her side, as he always had.
xXx
[ Why had she kept it a secret? ]
"I'm sorry, Minako-san."
Ken's child-like index finger stroked the edge of the wooden park bench they sat upon, moving it slowly back and forth in a rhythmic motion - a habit had grown accustomed to whenever he was lost in thought or wished to distract himself. Koromaru lied in the sand of the playground, whimpering softly as if apologizing as well.
"It's alright," Minako managed weakly, but she still avoided eye contact.
"No, it's not. Junpei had no right to yell at you like that, and everyone else..." his voice trailed, biting his lip at the memory. It had been far too intense in there, and although Ken had been the first to speak up, he couldn't imagine how the situation would have turned out if he hadn't been there. Would Junpei have kept going, saying the end of the world was her fault? Would the others have jumped in and agreed with him too, yelling at her while Minako just sat there and took it all silently?
Ken didn't know, but he wouldn't wish that situation on anyone, least of all Minako.
"He was just scared is all. They all are..." That was so like her. She was always justifying her friends, even if they had nearly betrayed her only a few nights earlier. "You are scared too, aren't you?"
Her vermilion-chocolate eyes gazed into his own, and Ken knew then he could not lie to her: she always had possessed an innate ability to see through any mask or facade.
"Of course I'm scared..." Ken admitted quietly.
He had sworn to his mother the day she died he would avenge her killer, and after Shinjiro's comatose he had promised to live a long, happy life. He would have never thought that life would end at only ten years old. But there was something else he feared more than anything else:
"I don't want to forget about the ones I love. I don't... want to forget you, Minako-san."
Gently, he clasped his hand with hers, his cheeks burning.
Ken hadn't realized she was tense until a sigh of relief escaped her parted lips, hesitating for only a few moments before moving her fingers to curl around his own.
"Thank you for not acting like Junpei did," she finally said. "Even if I expected a few of you to react that way, I'm glad you were one of the ones who didn't. I really... appreciate it."
"I will always be by your side, for as long as I am able," he declared. "Please don't forget that."
She held his hand a little bit tighter, closing her eyes and leaning against his shoulder.
A long comfortable silence lingered between them: a silence of just listening to the others breathing, of enjoying the crisp night air, the chirping cicadas, and the overall feeling of being alive while it lasted…
He should have kept it that way. He should have continued to enjoy the moment, continued to relish being so close to the girl he loved, for as long as she allowed it…
But he didn't. A question – a single, stupid question ruined everything.
"...Did you ever know?" Ken had finally (stupidly) asked. "Did you ever know you had such a power inside you?"
Minako was silent for a long time. Slowly, steadily, she pulled away from him.
Her next words made Ken's heart stop.
"Since I was a little girl, I haven't been able to feel anything at all."
A slap in the face... In that moment, that's what those words had felt like.
"Wait, what does that mean? How...?"
"Since... the accident ten years ago, I haven't been able to feel true happiness or sadness. I was in a state of constant numbness. I had hoped if I met several kinds of people and did many different things I would feel something, but..."
She didn't have to say anything more. Ken already knew.
She hadn't felt anything towards him at all. Or anyone else, for that matter.
"So the reason you wanted to watch Featherman R is because you had liked it before Death was dormant inside you?" Ken guessed, and his heart cracked when she nodded once.
"I had thought... if I watched it enough, I would feel the way I did back then."
"Why didn't you ever tell me?"
Hadn't he told her she could trust him? So why did she decide to carry this all by herself?
"This burden was mine to bear, and I knew that there wasn't anything you nor I could have done to relieve it."
"But-" Ken choked, biting his bottom lip. "You always looked so... happy."
Ken could remember her flawless smile, her infectious laugh, her warm and comforting touch...
Had all of that been a lie? A facade?
"I imagined I would have been happy if I had felt my emotions, so I just-" she paused, moving herself further away from him, further from their once intertwined fingers and shared heat. "I'm sorry."
"No," Ken said, boldly grasping her hand so she couldn't pull away. "I'm sorry I didn't notice anything sooner."
"It's fine," she replied flippantly.
"No, it isn't. I should have been there for you more. You were giving me signs there was something wrong but I... I'm really sorry."
Hot tears welled in the corner of his eyes. The pads of her fingertips gently brushed away the pools of water before they could fall.
"It's alright, Ken-kun. There's no need to cry," she murmured soothingly.
"...Do you feel any differently now, since Death has been released?" he asked hopefully.
A heavy sigh escaped her parted lips. Her hand held his tighter, trembling slightly.
"The day Ryoji arrived at Gekkoukan High, all the misery I should have felt over the last ten years suddenly hit me all at once," she admitted quietly.
Weeks had passed since Death had been released, since the day Ryoji transferred into her class, in yet... he hadn't noticed anything at all. The signs had been there, right in front of his eyes the entire time. Her evasiveness, the ambiguous comments, the questions she asked during their meals at Wild-Duck Burger, the frequent expeditions into Tartarus; it all made sense now.
Minako Arisato had been closing her eyes and covering her ears to the truth. If Ken really was as similar to the White Ranger as Minako had once claimed, Ken wished he could have seen through her facade. He wished he had realized it sooner.
If he had, then perhaps Minako wouldn't have endured so much alone.
"Will you... be alright?" Ken finally asked, and he felt so powerless, so much like a child as he said those words. "Is there... anything I can do?"
"Just hold my hand."
It sounded like such a simple request, but certainly there was something else, something more he could do for her.
"Are you sure there isn't anything else?"
"We all have to fight our own demons. I will be alright. If we are going to win this impossible fight, as leader of S.E.E.S. I have to be."
She had to bear the entire world – the entire fate of humanity – on her shoulders, even if it wasn't fair.
All he could do now was try to be there to help support that weight, and be by her side when the final battle came.
xXx
[ Why had he discovered her secret this way? ]
They had climbed hundreds upon hundreds of floors. They had destroyed all of the guardians, the Arcanas, and over a thousand shadows...
But Nyx - Death itself - was unlike anything they had ever faced before.
Her Arcana constantly changed. Her weaknesses and immunities continuously shifted. All her attacks were deadly. Her stamina was colossal...
It felt like an impossible fight. All Ken could do was use every ounce of his energy to summon Nemesis and heal, desperately trying to keep Mitsuru, Koromaru, and Minako alive...
Desperately trying, with everything he had, to save a damned world...
That was, until flames (hissing, hot, red and orange balls of fire) suddenly engulfed him. With a powerful Agidyne, Ken flew back and hit the ground - hard.
Exhaustion pulled at his body. Even the remains of his healed wounds throbbed insistently, aching with a pain he had never felt before. Ken wanted nothing more than to just slip his eyes closed, to go limp, to just... give up.
And he might have, had he not heard Minako screaming.
"Nooo!" she wailed. With shaking knees she crumpled to the ground, hot tears streaming down her cheeks as she buried her head in her hands. Her voice dripped with pure agony, pure despair as she screamed: "Minato, please, Minato…!"
Ken blinked. Who was Minako talking about? Who was… Minato?
"Arisato! Pull yourself together! Nyx's aura is amplifying your emotions. You must suppress them. Amada-kun is not Minato," Mitsuru insisted, somewhat desperately, but Minako only continued to break down, to tremble and cry.
Mitsuru had a right to be worried. If their leader was distracted, if Minako wasn't present and coordinating with them, how could they have any hope of defeatubg Nyx? With her variety of Personae, she was the strongest of them all… Could they even stand a chance without her?
"M-Minato is-"
"Gone," Mitsuru stated sternly, but a hint of distress leaked into her voice. "We do not have time for this! Nyx is our only priority. You must fight now, Arisato, or you and everyone else on this planet will become one of The Lost. Do you understand?"
Something about Mitsuru's tone must have seeped through, as Minako flinched, then slowly moved to stand, quickly whipping her tear-stained cheeks with her arms.
After that they continued to fight, to pour all their power into defeating Nyx, but two questions couldn't help but linger in the back of Ken's mind:
Who was Minato? And what other secrets was Minako keeping from him?
xXx
[ There wasn't such a thing as secrets. ]
This world and everything in it was just as it seemed.
Lazy spring afternoons drifted by, repeating school days passing carelessly. Oblivious laughter surrounded him, without any hint of artificiality, hardship or stress, and Ken couldn't recall knowing anything else.
No one was lost. Everyone smiled.
She smiled.
Minako grinned as radiant as ever, brightening the atmosphere within the dorm. She waved her hands in the air adamantly, her bubbly voice currently directed towards a dorm member of his - Yukari, he believed her name was - as they descended the staircase. Although the scene before him seemed so innocent, and even though Minako laughed without a worry in the world, it all felt… wrong, somehow.
Being here felt wrong.
Why was he there again? Why was he living with high school students far older than him? Why was he told he belonged there?
Ken didn't know. He didn't know how or why he was placed in this dorm. He didn't know these people; they had never exchanged anything more than basic formalities or simple greetings, yet... they felt familiar to him.
He wished he could recall the reason why.
He also wished he knew why Minako always looked so tired.
It was Spring, a season for new beginnings. Everything was happy. Everything was without worry or sorrow. So why did it look like she was bearing the burdens of the world, for everyone who could not?
"Minako-san..."
The brunette before him paused mid-step, the palm of her hand resting on railing of the dormitory's main stairwell. She smiled at him.
"What is it, Ken-kun?"
"Could I speak to you for a moment?"
She nodded before turning towards her companion. "We'll talk more later, okay?"
"Yeah, don't forget our girls day out!"
"Is it alright if I invite Fuuka and Mitsuru as well?"
"Fuu-who?" Yukari asked, raising a brow. "Oh, right, that new girl who moved into the dorm. I mean... if you want to I don't mind, but I don't really know her personally. As for Mitsuru, I doubt she will go with us. We don't exactly get along the greatest and - don't tell anyone I said this, but she is kind of an Ice Queen."
For whatever reason, Minako seemed to hold back a laugh, a secretive smile on her lips that seemed to read "if only you knew".
"Anyway, see ya!" And with an outgoing wave, Yukari walked out the front door, leaving the two of them alone.
Wordlessly, Minako took Ken's hand and lead him to the second floor, down the hall, and to his bedroom. Ken sat gingerly, sinking into the edge of his mattress, oddly self-conscious of the action figures and manga surrounding him. He bit his lip but didn't speak until Minako prompted him to do so.
"What did you want to talk about?"
"Minato... Who is he?"
Minako froze. Her eyes widened, staring at him incredulously. "How do you... How do you know that name?"
"I don't know," Ken replied honestly. "I woke up one day and the name was on my mind. It's been bothering me ever since."
"I... I see," she murmured. "...Did I ever tell you I had a brother?"
Ken stared at her. "You had a brother?" He had thought she was an only child. He knew her parents had died in an accident, but… well, that was all he knew about her past, about Minako before she came to Port Island. The details of Minako's family seemed like a sore subject, so he wouldn't be surprised if her friends had never ask about it, either.
"Yes, an older one. An older twin."
"Like your parents, did he...?" Ken trailed and she nodded slightly.
"I was the only one who survived the car accident during that dark hour."
"I'm sorry, I... I never knew."
"It happened years ago," Minako stated, brushing it off, but her body looked incredibly limp... Weary, even.
"Are you tired again, Minako-san?"
"Yes..."
"But it's only four in the afternoon," Ken murmured softly, his eyes full of worry. "Are you sure you are alright? Maybe you should get checked out next time you visit the hospital... I would feel a lot better if you saw a doctor-"
"It's fine. All of this... will end soon."
Ken stared at her, puzzled by the undoubtedly significant meaning behind that statement.
Was there something she keeping from him?
xXx
[ What was the secret to a happy ending? ]
"I can't believe today is graduation day! The sky is lovely, isn't it?"
Minako casually leaned back on her palms, gazing at the bright blue sky above her. Clouds drifted by - harmless, beautiful white puffs, he knew, but to Ken they looked just like ominous shadows.
It was as if Nyx was in the sky, somewhere behind those clouds, watching him - watching them, waiting for the perfect chance to strike.
(If only he had known there was something far more pressing he should have worried about...)
A simple question had been lingering in Ken's mind, nagging at him as he darted out of his classroom and ran as fast as his burning legs could carry him to Gekkoukan High. The five little words screamed at him the moment he saw Minako, waiting for him on the rooftop, keeping the promise they had made together (the promise he had forgotten) all those months ago...
Now, it was finally the time to say those five little words:
"...Why didn't you tell me?"
A heavy, exasperated sigh escaped her pretty pink parted lips. "Can't we just enjoy the sky, Ken-kun?" she asked, her tone slightly pleading, but only frustration grew inside of him.
"You knew all along! You had memories of the Dark Hour and Tartarus this entire time! Why didn't you say anything? Why didn't you tell me?"
"I... considered telling you all for the longest time, but you and everyone else looked so... happy."
"B-but I had felt like something was missing for so, so long. And you had to carry this burden, all on your own, just like when…"
We found out Death was inside you… When you told me you were experiencing 10 years of turmoil all at once. When you asked if I had noticed something different about you, giving me a subtle cry for help, and I said "no".
"I told you before Ken, we all have our own demons to face. Sometimes it's best to face those demons alone."
"But why? Did you think I wouldn't be able to handle it? And why did it have to be you, when you have already suffered so much?"
"You wouldn't have believed me."
"If it was you, Minako-san, I would have believed anything you told me," Ken replied seriously. "Anything at all."
"...Did you enjoy it?" Minako asked softly. "Did you enjoy living a normal life, while it lasted?"
Tears stung the corner of Ken's eyes as he tightly wrapped his arms around Minako's lithe frame. He did enjoy it. He enjoyed living without stress, without worry, without pain. By being ignorant of his memories, even if he did know something was missing, he had almost felt like a normal kid for the first time in his life.
But it was wrong to have felt that way. It was wrong to have let Minako carry the burden of their memories all on her own.
It was wrong to lie, to keep secrets. It hurt.
"No more secrets, okay?" Ken whispered, clinging onto her tighter. "You can't lie or keep anything from me ever again."
Don't hurt me again. Don't keep things from me anymore. Please, Minako-san. Please.
Minako was silent for a long time. Reassuringly, her fingers tangled into his brown locks.
"Alright, Ken-kun," Minako murmured. "But there is something I need to know first. Are you keeping anything from me?"
"U-um…" his cheeks flushed as he stuttered. There was something he wanted to say, something that had been on his mind for a long time, despite all the ups and downs they had gone through. Now was the time to finally express it.
"I think I... I love you, Minako Arisato. All this time, more than anything else, I have wanted to be there for you... I want to know your thoughts and feelings. I want you to be safe. I want you to be... happy. If I were the person to make you feel that way... well, it would make me really happy too," he blushed.
But the pitter-pattering fluttering he felt in his chest, in his heart as he expressed his feelings, died as soon as she spoke:
"I'm sorry, but I... I can't make you happy, Ken-kun."
"Is there something you are not telling me, Minako-san?" Ken asked, hurt, hurt beyond belief, but still clinging onto the hope that she would be there, in his life, no longer keeping secrets. He would have been content with just that...
Wordlessly, Minako leaned back, back, back, her head resting in his lap as she stared up at the clouds once again. Although she was so close, something about her and her gaze felt so... far away.
"The sky really is beautiful today," she said once again, "I'm sure you will find the one tomorrow just as nice."
Those words – he didn't understand why, but they made fear grip his heart.
"Minako-san? Are you... leaving?"
The once steady breathing escaping her parted lips slowed. The color in her face quickly began fading from her cheeks.
This... This couldn't be happening. The world was saved! They were supposed to move forward, to move on with their lives. This wasn't supposed to be happening!
"I am going to see them again. Akinari, my parents and brother, and... your mother too, Ken-kun."
The tears he had been trying so hard to hold back were freely falling from his cheeks.
"Minako, please... please don't leave me. Not you, too. I love you! I love you more than anything else!"
"It's okay Ken, it's okay," she cooed reassuringly, brushing the tears from his eyes with those familiar gentle fingertips.
Then she smiled at him. Smiled that sweet smile… Smiled without a flaw.
...How could she have smiled in her final moments?
xXx
[ What was the secret to moving on? ]
Three years had passed, and a lot had changed.
He was the star player of the soccer team. He was part of the student counsel. He was an honor student (just like she was), and had just as many friends surrounding him as she once did.
So then why did he feel so… empty?
Was that how she had felt all those years ago, when he had been an earnest elementary school student? Was that another secret she had never told him?
There had been many secrets, hadn't there? Secrets upon secrets, some of which he had known, others he had been oblivious to all along.
First it had been the fact Death was harbored inside her, then it was the secret of her true emotions (or lack of them)... She had kept the existence of her brother a secret, as well as her imminent death.
So many things had been left unspoken, so many aspects to her unknown or unsaid.
Minako Arisato had kept her secrets close to her until the very end...
Still, if there was one thing Ken Amada had learned from Minako during the time he had known her, one little secret she had passed onto him, it was this:
He knew how to laugh, even when it hurt, and could smile, smile, smile without a flaw.
Well. 9,000 words later, and that ended on a rather... bitter note.
Regardless, I hope you enjoyed this (rather angst-y) contribution to the Persona series. Reviews containing your thoughts, feelings, and/or favorite scenes are appreciated.
That's all then. Have a lovely evening.
xLMAx